Finally Feeling Something

It's been a long December. My life has been full to overflowing "doing things for" and "spending time with" the people (and pets) that I love.

The reality of middle-aged life with four kids in school, though, is that those things I do and the minutes I spend don't always come when I'm well-rested and ready. It's a school project that I didn't hear about until the night before. It's a long, emotionally-charged conversation after bedtime. It's sitting by a child taking two hours to finish one stinking word search worksheet. It's a child who just can't calm down to sleep. For hours. It's taking the kids on Nova's walks and on errands because they just want to spend time with me. It looks like getting all my winter gear on to work on bikes in the unheated garage...alone...and the kids opening the door every 10 seconds coming in and out, checking on me with a question or a request or some kind of crisis that requires my immediate attention in the house. Even Nova desperately wants to be in the garage with me, but doesn't like the cold, and will sit at the door with a puppy-dog sad face begging to be on the other side, regardless of whether she's already indoors or in the garage with me. 

Another stark reality in all of this "doing things for" and "spending time with" is that it's often very hard work. It's getting up at 6:30am on school days, no matter how late I was up the night before by choice or otherwise, keeping a calm and cheerful demeanor as I carefully shepherd kids through the morning routine. Matthew is extremely sensitive to negative emotion. He has several trigger words and situations that can lead to all-out meltdowns. I spend a lot of energy these mornings smoothing out relationship bumps, guiding the kids through minor disappointments, and acting playful, silly, and downright goofy just to distract Matthew and redirect his attention. Medication has helped him immensely, but we still experience the occasional meltdown crisis. Sometimes it's Matthew, sometimes it's James. When I hear one of those trigger words or situations, I emotionally gear up and lock down: rock-steady tone of voice, light conversational mood, and a steady stream of verbal reassurance until the crisis has resolved. I picked up the younger boys from school today and soon discovered myself hiding in the bathroom, anticipating an episode that might randomly occur at any moment. 

I am complaining. I am also fully aware that I like being important to these people and that I like seeing my efforts matter to them. Even when I'm feeling totally drained, there is almost always a little bit more to give in an emergency. 

Bobby's energy level has been low and unpredictable over the last several months. He's started going to bed at 8:30pm to give himself the best possible chance at functioning well the next day. That means I do the hardest bits of the bedtime routine on my own...smoothing contention, navigating Matthew's intense bedtime anxieties, and negotiating between 1) my need to be utterly alone and uninterrupted, 2) my desire to engage with an empathetic peer, and 3) the kids' needs/ wants. Lately, I've caught myself grumbling, "Why do *I* have to perform this particular family task/duty?" only to answer myself, "Because there's no one else right now." It's hard. I've had to lower some expectations. Nothing too egregious just yet. Ha!

With all this responsibility looming and then adding the sweetest, gentlest, quietest, and most affectionate dog to our household, there hasn't been any room for Christmas in my life. 

Until today. 

I just started feeling the Christmas spirit today. My mom mentioned her nativity and I decided that I wanted to put mine up this year. We haven't had a good/safe place to put it for years. I made a place, put all the pieces down in random order, and left it in disarray for one of my kids to discover and put together. I knew it would be James. I knew he would do it without a second thought, without even asking me, and enjoy himself immensely. I asked him to string more lights up in the front room for the same reasons. 

A few more things happened today to Chistmas-ify me a little more:

--Alex and Robert had their last day of school before winter break.

--Alex finished the Christmas Stocking shopping today. He picked up a couple extra stockings for the Sister Missionaries in our ward. James invited them to spend Christmas with us! James, of all people, invited non-family members to come into our home. Will miracles never cease? I've had fun collecting gifts for the Sisters to open on Christmas. Alex color coded and wrapped everything. We're also doing a tree and gifts for my friend who recently moved into a nursing home. That's been rewarding. 

--I made Lebkuchen. It's amazing. Not everyone is into dry, crumbly gingerbread cookies filled with plum jam and coated in dark chocolate, but I sure am. Soooo good. The first batch was a successful test case. Now I know how to make them just right. 

Unrelated to Christmas, I crunched more numbers looking at tuition and housing costs for universities that Alex has applied to. It's astounding. Even a state school nowadays costs 10x what I paid in 1997. I was able to pay for college with a partial scholarship, a part-time job, and a single small interest-free loan. Alex will need a whole lot more than that...the state college will cost $100,000 for tuition alone over 4 years. It's a daunting figure. Now comes the fun part where we move pieces around until we formulate a workable plan.