Made for something

In the last week, James has asked some pretty intense questions about life and the natural world: human reproduction, microscopic biomes, viral infection, and the ethics of eating animals. He's just as likely to ask how something works as he is to ask how you learned that. The last time we went to the library, he filled his own bag with books (First time ever! This kid has not enjoyed the library much in the past) and most of them were enormous, picture-filled nonfiction books about how things work, sunken ships, and the mythology of fairy tale creatures. I should have taken a picture of his selection. I never, never, never would have selected those books for him.

He asked for a chemistry set for Christmas so he could, "make my own mixtures and see what happens" (cue mischievous smile and twinkle in his eye). And that is exactly what he has done with it.

Saturday, as we got out of the car, James proudly proclaimed, "I was pretty much born to do science, draw, write, and read. But mostly do science."

Big smile for a chemistry set.

Christmas Day

This was a good year for Christmas at our house. The kids aren't too old, nor too young, to get excited and make it fun. My favorite part, though, was seeing what the kids gave each other and Erin. We let them shop for their siblings at the Crisis Nursery Holiday Shop* every year. This year, though, Alice and Robert both wanted to do more with their own time and money. Robert stewed and planned and researched and studied out gifts that would make each sibling happy. It came down to getting a small thing for each one, or a larger thing they could all enjoy together. He asked Bobby and me for advice. He finally decided to get the larger gift for the family: a set of MagnaTiles. And what a great choice! Those will be used and useful at our house for a long, long time. Even grandkids will probably play with them. For Erin, Robert spent a couple weeks constructing a life-size, 3-D replica of himself out of cardboard, complete with a cabinet in the chest that opens to reveal a book he made for her (a list of things he loves about Erin, a handmade comic strip featuring several inside jokes, and a picture of the two of them playing ball together). Dude.

Alice purchased full-size packages of Skittles and Starbursts and put together a note using the candy names to describe things she liked about each brother. They were extremely pleased. And for Erin, Alice spent hours planning, cutting, assembling, and finishing a Christmas-themed lap quilt. She used what she learned from her quilting class at school to do it. I only helped her find a sewing machine to borrow when ours went on the fritz. Holy moly! Her quilting class is working on pot holders. Pot holders! Not full-on quilts. Was Alice intimidated? No. Stressed? Yes. Thrilled with the outcome? Absolutely.

James wrote and illustrated a story for Erin. Amazing! He's started writing all kinds of stories since then, actually. He cleared off a shelf to put together his own "library".

And I want to tell you about this gift Erin gave me. I'm not usually a gift person, y'know? And this year, I finally figured out why when Erin gave me 2 of the most PERFECT gifts ever. I'm still dancing inside about them. The first: a handful of custom stickers to put on my guitar case. She selected things that totally hit all of my strong and eccentric bits. Here's a picture James took of my new guitar case look:

I love, love, love, love, LOVE it! Dark chocolate, Paris, minivan mom, C. elegans, triathlon, chicken farmer, supporting local food...*sigh* It couldn't have been better, except it DID get better. She also gave me a coupon book for favors/activities/tasks I often want, but can't easily do on my own, and rarely get the guts to ask other people to do for me: pick up groceries, shuttle kids somewhere, date night, attend a lecture/activity together, go to lunch. And that, my dear friends and family, makes the perfect gift for me: something I need/want/use that I can't give myself, or won't give myself. The guitar case stickers count in that category, too, because I had just decided I DID want to decorate my case, but they would have to be stickers that really defined me and my interests, and how on earth was I going to narrow the list down to just a few crucial aspects (I'm an overthinker, too, you realize) and then somehow search for and stumble upon cool-looking stickers that adequately represent each of these parts of my identity?! It seemed an impossible task, and I wanted it badly, but doubted I would ever get around to it or be satisfied with the end result. But Erin gave me that gift! And now I know you can order custom stickers!!

So many exclamation points!!

Gotta calm down.

Whew.

I think I played my guitar better today just because I love those stickers so much.

*gasp* I can also make one that says "Warning: I'm intense."...oh man...

Matthew, my one child who abhors kisses and will peel kisses off of his body and throw them back in your face, turned to me one morning and giggled, "Let's make a kissy picture!" This was our first, and only successful, attempt. He did not throw it back in my face. Huzzah!

*The Crisis Nursery is a non-profit organization in our community and the Holiday Shop is a big fundraiser for them. Businesses donate toys and small gifts to the shop where everything is priced $2-8. The best part is they have volunteers that will shop with your child and help wrap the gifts so his/her gift choices stay a secret from the rest of the family. All four kids can shop for each other in a safe place, all at once, and the money goes to a charity I want to support. What's not to love about this?!

Winter Break Part 1

The first half of winter break is over. Only the hardest half left :)

Here are some things we did in the first half! You saw our Christmas Eve Hike already.

Our first fire in 8 years of living with a wood-burning fireplace. James was the most insistent and excited about this adventure. We ended up with more smoke in the house than we wanted, though, so it's a bit of a learning curve.

Alice designed and put together this quilt for Erin for Christmas. She was thrilled and frustrated and excited and bored and everything in between. She swore off quilting for a little while, but she was awfully pleased with the end product.

Matthew said, "Take a picture of me! I'm a cat!"

Our ninjabread men before...

...and after! Linda Hobson showed us and the Alveys how to do royal icing. Dude. I may never do it again, but it was pretty fun for this one afternoon ;) Pretty cookies!

A Christmas Day walk at Meadowbrook. The weather was fantastic for it! Matthew, of course, remains in PJ's and barefoot. He rode in the stroller. Such a fourth kid.

We also pulled out the synthesizer for some new-wave music fun. In this video, James is playing the music and Matthew is doing an interpretive dance. The first 35 seconds are my favorite. The rest of the time, Matthew pops in and out as James' music gets less and less melodic.

The kids and I really enjoy the music of They Might Be Giants. Some of their music we've listened to often enough for Matthew to lip sync it. Here he is in the car as we wait for Robert and James after school: I Haven't Seen You in Forever from their fifth album for kids entitled Why? (2015). I love this song for so many reasons. First of all, it captures the many different feelings that can accompany a reunion of two people who have been apart for a while. Second, the ENTIRE song is essentially a round where John Linnell starts it, then sings the second part identical to the first just a few measures after he starts. The resulting harmony and rhythm is brilliant, even as it travels through key changes and tempo changes to complement the lyrics. This song embodies everything I love best about They Might Be Giants. Enjoy!

Christmas Eve Hike!

This year is so, so, so very different from last year. Can I just put that down on the official record? I am utterly relieved. Yes, I've had to say no to lots of things that I would normally love to participate in, but the energy conserved by those choices has been channeled into patience, peace, and more "yes" answers to my kids' requests for time, attention, and family activities.

Today, we went for a hike. Crazy, huh? We're not normally the hiking type, but our holiday hiking time with the Garners over the years has shown us that we actually like that sort of thing. And maybe we can see ourselves as a hiking type family in the future? It was our first visit to Turkey Run State Park just inside the Indiana border, about an hour's drive from home. I selected a trail that promised lots of, um, exciting bits: narrow, rugged pathways on cliff faces, crossing over a stream several times, 140 stairs, 30 feet of ladders, and something called "The Narrows". The weather forecast said it would be sunny and warm (over 50 degrees!!). Perfect, right? Well...

...it was at first. Then we discovered that narrows and canyons and forests shade the snow, and lots of hikers smash that snow into ice. Even on rocks and stairs. Especially on rocks and stairs.

*sigh*

It was hilarious and scary and fun and lighthearted and intense all at once. One bit was pretty terrifying, I'll confess. Once we got past the terrifying bit, the kids said they never wanted to hike this trail ever again. We talked about the things that were really cool about the experience, though. I even got a really good groan from Alice when I joked about this being an analogy for our mortal experience. Robert decided to tuck it away for a future church talk.

So, to quote my friend Rachel, "I'm glad it was a good bad hike, not a bad bad hike."

Ice on the bridge. So slippery!

Perfect temp in the sun, freezy cold in the shadow.

So many photo opportunities!

"Is this the trail?" "I don't know. I don't think so." "It doesn't really look like a trail." "Wait. I think it is." "Look at those icicles!!"

These ladders were fun for everyone except Matthew. But he did it!

If you look in the back, you can see some of the 140+ icy stairs we managed both up and down along the trail.

Lots (most??) of the trail was along the stream bed.

Some bits were impossible for Matthew to traverse on his own. He got a little help from his dad.

Interesting Nut

Today was a special combined sacrament meeting for all three wards in our building. I had to come early to practice a choir piece one more time. Alice joined me. When we finished our practice and found where Bobby and the guys were sitting, I sat down next to James. He did the funniest thing. He begged to perform the choir number with me and Alice, even though he had never sung (nor heard!) the song before. I couldn't fathom his motivation...

"Do you want to stand up in front and have everyone look at you?"

"No."

"Then why?!"

"I just want to do it! I want to be with YOU."

"But you don't know the words or the tune."

"Look, I can read the words", pointing at the sheet music in my hand, "And I'll just sing with you. Trust me, Mom, I can do this!"

"Do you promise to sing? 'Cuz just standing there next to me will be a huge distraction from the music. I can't have that."

"Yes. I promise to sing."

"Mmmm. Gah! Ok."

I was completely befuddled that this boy, who shrinks at giving talks in Primary and won't make eye contact or speak English to any adult he doesn't already know well (and even then, it's more like 50/50 English and baby caveman) would propose such a thing!

But what kind of mom wouldn't be excited to see her child challenge his/her fears so willingly?

I couldn't think of a reason to make him stay on the pew. I let him come up with us, shaking my head all the way. 

And guess what? He really sang. Everything. No shyness, no wilting, no silliness or acting up. He behaved just like a choir member should.

Why?! WHY?!

Afterwards, his primary teacher (whom he's known for a whole year!) told him she was impressed to see him singing with the choir. James looked at his shoes and mumbled something unintelligible. It was hard to tell if he even recognized she was talking to him. Later, Bobby told James he did a good job. Again, no obvious response. If James was doing it for the attention, he sure doesn't show it like Alice and Robert do. Holy moly.

Did he really just want to be with me? Or to see if he could do it? Was that really enough motivation to overcome his fear of public performance and the post-performance accolades? I just can't believe it. There must be more. I'll ask him again in a while. See if his answer changes.

This James is an interesting nut. 

[Later: It turns out, James was a little upset that he couldn't go to the last practice with Alice and me. We were a little late, so the two of us had split off without telling the other kids about it. When James realized I wasn't there, he wanted to find me, but Bobby wouldn't let him sneak into the rehearsal uninvited. That's why James asked me about the performance. He did just truly want to be with me. Dude. This kid values my physical presence above and beyond my comprehension. I need to remember that about him. It's apparently a very important love language to him.]

Peaceful

Alice having a flute lesson in the front room.

Boys out back playing in the new snow.

Pizza dough rising for dinner.

Dishwasher running.

I am happy.

Satisfied.

This is the kind of contentment I think I will miss when my kids are all grown up: knowing at this moment that they're all busy and happy and learning. Watching them do it. Knowing that I am actively doing things to care for those I love (dishes, dinner).

Recitals aplenty!

This was a week of music performance: 4 events to attend, 5 people in our family performing.

First was James' piano recital, which I blogged about previously. Yay, James!

Then came Alice's school Winter Arts Festival. Also documented in detail previously. Way to go, Alice!

And then, on Saturday, we attended Alice and Robert's piano recital. Bobby recorded their performances (see below), but the kids requested that we not move over to get them in the shot. They like hiding behind a big piano.

Alice's Ring Silver Bells (with Matthew's heavy breathing):

Robert's Jingle Bell Rock (with Matthew's swaying to the beat):

I would have enjoyed the recital much more if I weren't totally stressing out about another recital happening right after this one. Erin and I have been taking guitar lessons together and we decided to perform in the winter recital. Agh! It's the craziest thing preparing for something like that again. I remember them as a child. I remember preparing myself for other public performances, too, like talks/speeches and lessons at church and Cub Scouts and such. But somehow, this felt different. I was totally psyching myself out!

In fact, in the last few minutes before our recital, Erin and I were running through our performance pieces and I literally hit every note wrong. Like I was making stuff up on the spot. Dude. Not a comforting feeling at that point. *SIGH*

We did it, though, and I'm glad we did. I felt like our performance was actually pretty good. Not my favorite run-through ever, but decent. Passing. Not hideously embarrassing :) The video Bobby took of our performance, though, is really, really quiet and hard to hear. We weren't playing very loud, for one, and the acoustic guitar isn't exactly a bold, blaring sound. That's okay. A mutual friend of ours, Aubrey, attended with her husband and took a couple snapshots.

Here we are intensely focused on the music:

And here we are intensely relieved that the first piece is over, and worried about the next piece which is significantly more difficult and troublesome...so. much. tension!:

Coming up this week, we'll have Matthew's preschool Christmas Program. After that, Bobby will have to come up with some sort of public performance something so we have a complete set ;)

Anxiety Revisited

Last year, the week before Christmas, I went crazy. Or you can call it a nervous breakdown. Or maybe an anxious episode? For just about a month, I wasn't a fully-functional person. I remember that darkness and uncertainty. I remember so much fear. And love. There were people who loved me. I could feel that love in my best moments. But it was hard. And scary. And it felt like it would never, ever get better.

A year later, things are a whole lot better. A few small relapses, but nothing nearly as incapacitating as last Christmas! I'm still on a low dose of anti-anxiety/depression meds, and I'm seeing a therapist once a month or so to address triggers as they pop up. My body has done a good job letting me know when it's time to slow down...my forehead flushes, my gut gets overactive, appetite loss, nausea, and immediate nervousness upon waking. Usually, I can get the symptoms to disappear by catching up on sleep, eating more/better, and taking my meds regularly. I have been really, really lucky so far.

Christmas is a crazy busy time of the year anyway, so I anticipated some increased stress. What I didn't anticipate, though, was the sick feeling I got seeing the Christmas tree back up. The stockings. The advent singing. Christmas carols. All of it is tainted with memories of dark, irrational feelings from someone not exactly in control of herself. It's not bad enough to make me hate Christmas, but I'm on edge. On guard. There's an emotional weight there that wasn't there in years past.

Alice doesn't like to talk about last Christmas. At all. She doesn't even like me to mention it. I figure the more openly and frankly we can talk about it, the sooner we can accept it for what it was and move on. Alice is afraid that talking about it will make it happen again. And I will confess that something inside me feels very much the same. But that's superstition, right? Here are the facts:

I've had slightly elevated but still low-grade symptoms for a couple weeks. My body wakes up about 5am and starts to whir through the day: thinking about relationships and schedules and to-do lists and sticky bits. I replay previous conversations in my head. I plan what to say in anticipated future conversations. My blood pressure rises. My heart rate goes up. Getting out of bed is harder than it was last month, but the good news is that once I'm out, I'm good. That anxiety stuff melts away. I'm pretty tired, but completely functional.

I have tried to trim everything out of this season that I don't absolutely adore or need. Delegation goes a long way, too. I just don't have the emotional strength to carry everything that I have in the past. Our friends/neighbors/family won't get treats or letters. No caroling. The only Christmas traditions we'll do this year are the ones the kids specially request. Which, so far, have been gifts ;) and a family party Christmas Eve, a Christmas countdown with treats (I linked it to Light the World, though, so they have to work for it--mwah ha ha haaaaaaa), and at least one advent sing with friends. I can do that.

Winter Arts Festival

Alice's school had a Winter Arts Festival tonight. All three grades performed what they have been working on in Drama, Music, and after school Ensemble classes all semester. What a fun evening! I did not expect to enjoy myself that much. But now I have some cool ideas for things to do at home with our family.

Hanging around before the show, waiting for friends to arrive.

I love seeing Alice with her peers. These girls are loud and confident and so supportive of each other, despite all of their differences. And they are all very different.

I got to see a couple modern-day Greek tragedies, written by the girls. Complete with chorus. Here is Alice in Fiona's Tragic Airplane Ride (her drama teacher is filling in for one student who couldn't be there tonight).

The 6th graders showed us a fantastic drama exercise called ad lib mannequins...or something like that...the drama teacher called out a theme like "A day at the dog park" or "Snowball fight" and one by one, the girls would go on stage, strike a pose, and stay there. Each actor building on what the previous actor had done. In the end, their poses created a full scene, often hilarious. The drama teacher asked for a theme from the audience and settled on "Riding reindeer". This is a game I totally want to play with family and/or friends.

Then we heard recordings of new commercials and public service announcements the 8th graders invented. 

6th graders sang and acted out a group-written parody of Johnny Cash's Ghost Riders in the Sky called Ghost Chickens in the Sky--so clever, so well-written, and absolutely hilarious. I did not know children this age were capable of this! [12/12/19 CORRECTION: Alice told me this morning that the 6th graders actually found this brilliant parody online, memorized it, and created only the dance portion of the performance. *SIGH* I guess they're regular 6th graders after all ;) and my expectations are back to normal.]

Then there were choral numbers by each grade, some with live accompaniment by other students. They made mistakes. They weren't always in tune. Or on rhythm. It was still a middle school band concert. And yet, the energy was palpable.

I've said it before, but I'll say it again. Alice coming to this school was the right decision. I am astonished at the difference a small, supportive, cohesive, and inclusive environment makes. I wish I could guarantee this for every child! These girls are free to spend their energy inventing, taking risks, and getting comfortable in their own skin. *sigh* 

It didn't hurt, either, that several of the girls reminded me of good friends who have moved on from here. I love my friends. I miss them. I just wanted to give those girls hugs! But, of course, I didn't.I came home and blogged about it instead ;)

Thanksgiving Pictures!

A double rainbow we saw while traffic added an extra hour to our 6.5 hour drive :)

He loved the chocolate fondue. I loved his chocolate mustache and goatee. He did not like getting the chocolate mustache and goatee photographed.

Matthew loves Joshua! In fact, he and James have both asked if maybe the Garners could come visit us at our house sometime. Especially Daniel and Joshua. Every member of my household has a favorite Garner or two they'd love to have stay here for a bit. Summer exchange program?

I think this is why James wants the big boys to visit...they have fantastic games on their school-issued Chrome books and they don't care if you look over their shoulder!

I loved this hike!

No views like this one in Chambana.

Thanksgiving dinner! So. Many. Kids.

We played some Minute-to-Win-it games, too. This is Matthew trying to roll marbles across the counter and get them to stick to a strip of 2-sided tape at the end. Gideon's head is in the way because it was his turn to catch all the marbles that flew off the end (a highly coveted and contested position, I might add).

The hike again! This time, you can see Rachel :)

Bobby set up an ice cream tasting for us. These were all the flavors we tried. The third column is how many people "didn't taste" that flavor. And our names went next to our overall favorites. The Graeter's ice cream flavors (mango sorbet, mint choc chip, and Black Rasp Chip) were the clear winners. The other ice cream flavors came from our favorite Mexican ice cream shop in Chambana: El Oasis.

Rachel always has stuff on-hand for awesome crafts. Here, Alice and I are melting crayon shavings in a glass ball ornament. You can see the ornaments finished by the other kids in that box. Cool, huh?!

I'm going to say it again: I loved the hike. This part of Ohio knows how to do hikes and biking trails and such. Kinda jealous.

First Piano Recital

James is his own man: he had memorized his recital pieces, but didn't ever play them the same way twice. He would change the dynamics, the number of repeats, his hand positioning, and the octaves he used every. single. time. he. practiced. Even when asked/prompted/begged to "play it the way you're going to play it at the recital." So, when he stepped up to the piano, there was no telling what this boy was going to do:

Shaking off his upset in the highest octave.

Stumbling in the lower octaves, then recovering, and finishing the piece all slow, strong, and then surprisingly gentle.

Did you see that stifled little smile at the end when he hears the people clapping for him?

James, James, James. Who are you? Not a performer, per se, craving the limelight, but somehow confident enough in yourself to play it the way YOU want to hear it, and easy going enough to be flexible when you get stuck. Pleased in the praise, but you don't let them know it. Heaven forbid you encourage them! Then glowing all evening, proud of yourself.

You're fascinating, James. Absolutely fascinating.

Congrats on your first public performance!

Garner Fun

We love our friends the Garners. Their home is like visiting Grandma's house: familiar and comfortable, but totally different from home, and so much fun. I laugh so much harder at her house than I do at mine ;) I'm waiting for a couple more pictures from our Thanksgiving trip, then I'll fill in the details. Suffice it to say, I'm feeling grateful for Rachel and her family in my life.

Little Concert Video

Little Concert

James was SUCH a wiggle-wart at piano lessons today, I was sure it would be a beastly week for practice. He has his first piano recital in 6 days! His teacher made me laugh out loud today. James' recital pieces are a little above his sight-reading level. In fact, he learned them by ear (and visually memorizing the key sequence), not by reading the notes on the page, so he hasn't looked at the music on the page for a couple weeks. So, when his teacher opened the book to the right page and asked him to play his pieces, he started with the second one. She pointed to the first, a little confused. James was a little out of practice and had forgotten a few notes of the first one. She pointed to them on the page, but he wasn't even looking. He has no idea what those notes on the page mean in the context of what he has memorized for his fingers. She leaned over to him and said, "Okay, if you're not going to use your eyes, I'll just poke them out." James let out a little squeak and his eyes got as big as his smile. He looked at the page a lot better for the rest of the lesson.

Then his teacher pulled out some simple Christmas duets. She had him sight read through them, even after one episode of him going boneless on the piano bench and moaning, "But that one looks so HARD." He played it through once, smiled, and his teacher nudged him on the shoulder with a wink, "See? There was once a kid who thought this looked too hard." James got a little smily-er. His assignment this week is to practice his recital pieces and play from the Christmas duets book. That news resulted in more boneless drooping on the piano bench. My spirit wilted a little, too...how hard would it be to get him to play the Christmas ones?! His teacher took him through the book, every song, and showed him that he already knew all the notes to all the songs. She told him he was fully capable of playing everything in it. No response from James.

As soon as James got home from his lesson, he rediscovered a string of rainbow Christmas lights that I had said earlier he could put anywhere in the house. I didn't hear from him for a while. Then he announced that there would be a concert in the front room starting shortly. He had strung the lights all around the piano and intended to play Christmas songs from the very book his teacher had just shown him! He made an arena and audience seats and everything. He was SO stinking proud of himself performing for us, mistakes and all. We clapped and clapped and clapped after each piece, calling for an encore. He decided to favor us with his recital pieces, too. What a surprise!

A little while later, he walked up to me with that big, beaming grin of his...the one that squints his eyes...and he gave me a big hug around my waist, "Wasn't that great?" he said. I knew he meant the concert. And his budding piano skills. And a newfound confidence in himself. The applause. He was so, so happy.

Selfie #1 when he should be going to bed.

Selfie #2 even later in the night.

And Selfie #3. Yup, he's totally on vacation. Late nights all around.

Hiking in Ohio, "The Ledges" trail. He's thrilled to be outside again, even if it's barely 35F.

James-y: my big man in the middle.