Car Moment

I wrote the 3 previous posts this morning, so this one is something of a post script to those. 

The first morning of school after Spring Break was a really tough one for James. He said he didn't fall asleep until 3:30am and was just too physically exhausted to do well in school that day. He wanted to stay home. I took Matthew to school and came back to finish the discussion. After a spring break like that, I couldn't handle any more anxiety crises. Not one more. We discussed our perspectives and it boiled down to him saying, "It'll be too embarrassing to fall asleep in class" and me saying, "Fatigue is not an excused absence." I was patient and level-headed until the moment his frustration and fatigue switched to "anxious meltdown" mode. He stopped being able to form words, his body got all rigid, and he started falling off the couch. It's almost like a seizure when he flips into anxious mode. I lost it. I firmly/loudly scoffed, "Do I need to take you to the hospital? If you're too overwhelmed to go to school, then we need help." He got scared and finished getting ready. He ran to the back seat of the car, as far away from me as possible, and could only stammer nonsense words and rock his body back and forth as I drove him to school. I was done. Totally drained. I had no answers. I didn't say a thing. We pulled up to the school and James began writhing and flailing more actively, sobbing louder. All I could do was turn back to him and say I needed him to go to school today. My voice broke as I got choked up and teary. I said this was very difficult for both of us, but the best place for him today was at school. I asked him to please just go. His fit went quiet. He got his bag and left the car silently.

I pulled away from the school relieved and angry and hopeless and exhausted. I just cried. All the strain from the past 6 months finally had an outlet. 

Every morning and evening, as I pray, I ask God for help to become the person he wants me to be. In that moment that morning, I felt that this continuing struggle was an important part of my spiritual growth. I had been asking for this for months. 

"Well," I said out loud, "if this is what it takes, then I don't want to be that person anymore." It made me laugh. I said it several times. And every time I said it, I felt myself laughing back, "Yes, you do." And yes, I do actually want to be the person God wants me to be. I have every confidence that His plan is the best plan. I know that hard things get more manageable when I 1) choose to grow closer to Him and 2) tell the grandparents about it. Their prayers count extra. It's true. 

I was uncomfortable and grouchy much of the day until I picked James up from school and the first thing he says is, "I'm really glad you made me go to school today. Otherwise, I would have had a TON more homework to do and that wouldn't have helped anything."

That's the truth. 

So, these last few days of slight relief have been a significant blessing. Matthew even fell asleep in his own bed tonight. That hasn't happened in a very long time. 

A couple days after this school incident, I discovered that James had hidden a Kindle in his room and had made a habit of watching YouTube into the wee hours of the morning. Hmm, no wonder he was too fatigued to function properly. Bobby and I addressed that particular infarction pretty severely. No leniency for bald-face lies. Grr. 

Photos

 

James and Matthew's school had a big music and dance performance for kids K-6th. It was a testament to what kids and teachers can do with adequate resources and the full support of families. Holy moly. Matthew is on the center riser, third row down from the top, left end.

James got a better hiding spot. He's standing just to the right of the risers on the very back row. The kid in front of him is looking down at the floor, otherwise you wouldn't see James at all. Sneaky little boo.

Bobby got this fortune at lunch one day and laughed so hard he had to share it with me. There's nothing wrong with a sympathetic wife...it's the possession bit that just doesn't fit in today's society...how old were these fortune cookies?!

Alex attended a Bug Zoo event at the library and got to hold a tarantula.

Close up of the tarantula.

Alex and I went to tour the SIU Carbondale Campus. This is the ONLY picture I took! Argh. It was cold, but very, very good. Alex loved it all. The dorms are much nicer than the ones I stayed in as a freshman, and the dining hall was stunning. He met up with the German Studies advisor and got to attend an upper-level German class. He understood a good amount of what was said, but they were discussing art and history. He didn't have enough vocabulary in that subject to speak fluently. 

I traveled with Erin to Houston to visit my parents. I had to take a picture of my lunch because it was so, so delightful: carrot salad, collard greens, and steamed broccoli. I almost cried. 

While visiting Houston, I also took a side trip with Mom, Erin, and Lara to Alabama and Georgia to check off another couple 50-mile bike rides. Lara rode with me for a lot of it. Good company makes all the difference!

Nova is so calm and so sweet, but she can also be a little stubborn when it comes to her favorite spot on the couch. Matthew was sitting in it, but there was a little triangle free right in the corner. Nova hopped up and squeezed right in. She had no choice but to lay her head on Matthew...he was simply in the way. 

James competed in the Great History Challenge and qualified for the national competition. Here he is with his teacher, Ms. Gregg, who also happens to be the head archery coach.

Matthew has had archery tournaments almost every weekend during the season. He's very focused and deliberate when he shoots, incorporating everything his coach has told him to work on. He's not stressed at competitions yet. We're all just thrilled to see him improving. He finally shot his first score over 200, which thrilled him to no end. For context, a perfect score (all bullseye) is 300 and his first ever tournament score was 130. 

A friend introduced us to this rainbow sticky craft. It's pretty cool. James is all over artsy crafts like these. 

Matthew, finally asleep. He's not easy to share a bed with. The kid flails all over the place, grinds his teeth, and talks/cries/mumbles in his sleep. Things have calmed down a lot since taking the relaxant at bedtime.

Matthew playing around with a video chat app. It was hard on him to have me away in Houston for so long. He called me many, many times a day. 

Again, Nova is a sweet and gentle soul. Waaaaaaaay too tolerant of all the puppies in this household.

German Pancakes are the best!

James made a raised garden bed all on his own. He planned it, selected the wood, and assembled it with power tools. Then he painted it. We needed 4 full-grown adults to lug it to the backyard, but now it's in place waiting for soil.

Matthew selfie

First day of Spring Break, the kids decide to color their hair purple. It stuck nicely to Alex's sandy blonde bits, but you could hardly tell any difference on the little boys' heads.

How does she get all four paws in one place. A marvel of dog engineering.

Matthew's class made miniature parade floats for individual states. Matthew chose Montana. They pulled the parade down the hall for the K-3 crowd, then parked them at their desks for the adults to come see. Each kid had prepared a slideshow presentation about their state and had to present it to visitors at the event. Again, this was the ONLY picture I took (ugh!), but he's presenting.

Another incidence of Nova's quietly stubborn insistence that some seats are hers. Matthew had to sit in her
 seat one day to go to school. She wandered around the car for a bit, looking for another place that was suitable. She lay down, stand up, turned around, lay down again. No good. Then she noticed Matthew's legs were crossed. That left a little spot right in the middle of the seat! She slowly climbed up and sat down on him. He's laughing so hard here. We all are. She's such a gentle, polite, crazy sweet dog that knows where she likes to sit!  

Anxiety Update and Tornado

We've had a good anxiety week. I don't want to jinx it by expecting it to stay good, but I can say with confidence that last week was something of a relief. Spring Break was hard. Last week was their week back at school and so much better.

James was having depressive episodes almost every day before Spring Break. He started taking Prozac and it just kept getting worse. We finally got a consultation with a pediatric psychiatrist who started him on another medication and gave us important insight into what might be causing this particular type of depression: anxiety. He assured us that he sees cases like these three times a day and that things would get better. We've been following the doctor's counsel, and James hasn't had a depressive episode since. It's only been a week, but I'll gladly take that.

Matthew wasn't doing any better on Prozac, either. Whatever effects it had early on, they were gone, and he was pretty much a hot ball of stressed anxiety that couldn't do much. It was severely affecting his ability to function and encroaching on our family's ability to function. We got in to see the pediatric psychiatrist and received another dose of insight and a heaping dose of hope. Matthew started a new medication regimen, including a vasodilator that helps him relax at bedtime. We've been following the doctor's counsel, and Matthew has had significantly less paralyzing anxiety. Matthew was too anxious to go to church, but Bobby was able to stay and do "home church" with him. In every other way, though, I feel like the last few days have been a relief. Matthew's appetite has improved, he actually played with James yesterday, and last night he decided to try sleeping in his own bed. It didn't work long, but he felt comfortable enough to try! 

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The tornado sirens went off during the second hour of church yesterday. That hasn't happened before in the 21 years I've lived here. One of Matthew's oldest and strongest anxiety triggers is tornadoes. Bobby and Alex at home were able to calm him enough to get to the bathroom and stay until the danger had passed. Every time there's a storm strong enough to create a tornado, we assure Matthew that the chance of a tornado destroying our home is so small that it's really not something we worry about.

At church, when the sirens went off, we started moving into the halls and bathrooms. My friend sitting next to me thought it was ridiculous. She stayed seated, insisting that we'd all be fine and should just continue with the lesson as planned. I moved toward the hall. I spent the last half hour of church chatting pleasantly with ladies in the bathroom and sharing tidbits of weather news as it came. The storm "hook" that was capable of causing a tornado passed just a couple miles south of us. My friend's prediction was right. Everyone would have been fine and we could have continued the lesson without incident. That's the gamble we take. When the warning is sent out, we always have a choice. I've taken shelter during tornado warnings a dozen times. In every case, if I had stayed out and about in my home, I wouldn't have sustained any damage to myself, my family, or my property. That's the message we emphasize when talking to Matthew. I still take the warning seriously, though, and will continue to take the warning seriously, because the cost of being wrong once is too great. That's the message I was trying to share with my friend. 

Both messages are true, and while they seem to contradict each other on the surface, they aren't contradictory at all. The statistical probability of a tornado striking my home is very, very small. The statistical probability of a tornado causing damage to my home if it DID strike my home is very, very high. That's why I don't get stressed about tornado sirens and I always take shelter :)

Alex is 18!

Alex turned 18 this month. Friends have asked me if that was hard for me. The truth is, Alex has been 18 for 3 years already. This kid is laser-focused on his future and what he wants to do with it. He's responsible at school, skilled at cooking/cleaning for himself, and making solid plans to care for himself physically, financially, and mentally. He's ready for the next chapter!

Alex's senior year has been unique. He's taking 3 classes at the high school (PE, German, and Dual-credit college English) and 2 classes at the community college (Abnormal Psych, Forensics). He's not working, so he's got a little more flex time. He's got several weekday afternoons free this semester. He has lunch with me or Bobby most days and we get to talk without the other kids around. I like it.

For his birthday, Alex wanted to go out to a nice "adults only" dinner and see the new Captain America movie. We picked up Erin and went to Silver Creek Restaurant. The food is fancy, but you can still wear casual clothes. The movie was alright. 

Newly-adulted Alex has planned a trip to Chicago with Erin to get a tattoo. He's carefully selected the artist and the design and made his appointment for April 19th. He's a little concerned it will hurt, but his online research assures him he can handle this. 

Alex finally got a call to start an autism assessment. He's been waiting for over a year. He's had three appointments so far, 2 hours each, assessing different aspects of social, cognitive, and emotional function. The spatial reasoning assessment was torture. He has one more appointment in April and he's hoping for a positive result. He'd like to have an official diagnosis so he has access to more supports at school. I asked him what he would do if the test came back negative. He shrugged, "If it's not autism, then I'm just weird for no reason."

I'm proud of this kid. He's come through a lot. I don't allow myself to think too hard about him leaving, though, because there's a lot to do before then. I'm a little nervous about how he'll respond to the loneliness that comes freshman year. I'm a little nervous about how I'll feel at home without his boisterous company, funny stories, and insightful conversations. 

One more summer :) 

One Day

Sometimes, I just want to record my day. It's different from how my days used to look and different from how my days will look in the future. 

Wake up, check my video game

Make breakfast (oatmeal)

Set out the kids' morning meds

Make my own breakfast (protein shake)

Make the boys' lunches (chik'n Parm for Matthew, chik'n nuggets for James)

Grab my clothes and get dressed

Take the boys to school

Walk 3.1 miles at the gym, remember that I need new walking shoes (ouch)

Go to Salt and Light to drop off a refurbished bike

Chat with a mom checking out the bike selection

Help her choose the best bike for her kid

Offer to refurbish it at-cost

Pick out a couple more bikes to bring home to refurbish

Walk up to two different white vans in the parking lot before finally finding my own white van

Cram three bikes into my van (I'm getting better at this)

Go to the pharmacy to pick up meds for 2 kids

Clerk says the meds will cost forty-six ten, I realize I don't have my wallet

Ask if there's a credit card on file

No

Check emergency cash stash in car...no cash, just a heap of change nowhere near $46

Drive home for wallet

Return to pharmacy for meds, pay with credit card

Realize I have an appointment in 10 minutes at a place 20 minutes away

Speed a little

Arrive a little late, but not so bad

Drive home for lunch

Get kisses from Nova that smell strangely like cinnamon sugar

Learn that Nova got out of her kennel and had eaten half a bag of Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal

Check the meds I picked up earlier and realize: 

• the clerk had said "forty-six cents" not "forty-six ten". I didn't have to drive home to get my credit card for a measly $0.46. Dude, I had had 10x that change with me *face palm*
• the pharmacy had substituted James' tablets with capsules, which aren't splittable
• I'd have to fix this...and go back

Drive 20 minutes to take Alex to his community college class

Drive 20 minutes home 

Pick up new shoes and orthotic inserts

Unload the bikes from the van

Personal scripture study and prayer

Start a load of dishes

Start a load of laundry

Call the pediatrician about the meds, who then calls the pharmacy and figures out what I need to do

Make a batch of chocolate chocolate chip muffins

Return capsules to the first pharmacy for a refund...um..."hi, it's me again, for $0.46"

Reschedule a few things

Make a few appointments

Start this blog post

Drive 20 minutes to pick up Alex from his classes

Stop at the boys' school on the way home to pick up Matthew from archery practice

Take Alex and Matthew home

Immediately turn around and go back to the boys' school

Check my video game

Pick up James from his afterschool art club

Take James home

Immediately turn around and head for a 2nd pharmacy

Pick up tablets for James

Drive home

Enjoy dinner with the fam

Finish this blog post

Whew! The eldest three are now at their midweek church activities. Matthew had a panic attack and is staying home from his activity. 

I've got a Relief Society Presidency Meeting in 30 minutes.

You want to know what was on my list that didn't get done today?

Muck out the chicken pen

Put my bike away (it's been in the living room for 10 days already)

Do the laundry (dry, fold, put away)

Install new smoke detectors

Collect eggs

Turn on the grow lights for the baby vegetables in my front room

Purchase a wedding gift 

Purchase Alex's bday gifts

Work on more bikes

There's still time for a few of those, especially if I get off the couch right now.

Away I go.

I guess.

I'm gonna like going to bed tonight.