Marbles, rainbows, snow, homework, and Dobby's nose

Matthew's homework includes a non-screen activity once a week. It gives us a chance to pull out something we might not have played with for a while. Marble Run this time :) It's been fun for everyone the last few days, especially James. He took considerable time putting this together, then carefully relocating it to the front room when we needed the living room floor.

 

Alice decided she wanted to bake a "really difficult" bread this week. She found a recipe for rainbow bread on the internet and gave it a go. Alice's rise wasn't anything like the recipe's pictures, but it was tender and tasty and pretty darn colorful! She slathered butter, cinnamon, and Splenda between each color layer.

It snowed a decent amount today. It was finally enough to lure the boys back outside. They played together in the snow *without any fighting* for about 2 hours. It was perfect for packing! Matthew eventually played along with the bigger boys, but built snow friends first.

Matthew's asynchronous school work is a series of online worksheets. Here, he's practicing with number bonds. After sitting at his desk in the morning, I thought he'd enjoy a different position for homework. He sang and moved doughnuts and sang some more, moving more doughnuts.

The boys have been "back at school" for 2 weeks now. James still LOVES it. Matthew is now "meh". Robert still doesn't want to go, but he's stopped complaining. He likes getting teacher attention for wearing shorts and sandals in 25F weather *eye roll*. That's not a battle I choose to have with him. 

The boys seem to play better after having been out of the house for a couple hours. And Alice is coming to appreciate that blessed half hour of quiet one-on-one Mom time between when the boys leave and when her online school starts. Then I have a couple hours of quiet. Sometimes I work, sometimes I play. Usually I do a little bit of both. 

I've had a bit of a mental health rebound this week. The weight of the pandemic remains, and I'm still not interested in gardening or exercise, but I've been able to ease up a little more and smile some. My sister Heidi sent me a care package of super fancy dark chocolates and an ENORMOUS book of Sunday NYT crosswords. A friend mailed me a piano piece she's enjoyed playing recently. Bobby's parents have scheduled their first Covid vaccine doses. All have helped me.

We also started a new initiative in our family, which has helped this week. Each of the boys is keeping track of the choices he makes that "improve the spirit of and the Spirit in our home." It's a self-monitoring system. They decide when they've made a choice worthy of a check mark. Bobby and I had suggestions for them, of course, of behaviors/choices that we thought they could monitor*, but it's ultimately up to them. The point (for now) is just to raise awareness of the impact they have on our home's mood. True to our unique Evans family form, we're tracking these choices on 3 pieces of graph paper hanging from Dobby the house elf's nose (Erin gives the best gifts...just sayin'):

I've seen the boys make better choices already. Of course there's something for them at the end of the first round :) Two are motivated by Lego sets, one by a complete set of the Harry Potter DVDs, and one by a stuffed animal as big as he/she is. Extra points if you can figure out which kid wants which ;) 

 

*We suggested that Robert could reign in his criticisms/corrections to just one at a time. He tends to correct everyone about every single little thing said. So, so literal, this boy, and half the time he doesn't seem to realize how that constant judgement and correction can feel like an attack to someone else. He thinks he's just providing more accurate information in a neutral way. Even if a sibling is talking about an imaginary scenario, Robert feels compelled to say, "No, that wouldn't work because this and this and this..." He doesn't take criticism/correction well himself, either. Baby steps. 

And James, well, we suggested he could improve the spirit of our home by listening/responding the first time someone addresses him...when an adult or sibling asks him to stop, when it's time to get ready and go, when he's asked a question. He is now required to shout, "Polo!" whenever Matthew yells, "Marco!" Why? Well, James knows he's not allowed to jump out and scare people anymore, but he likes to grin broadly at Matthew and sneak quietly out of the room, tucking himself around a corner or behind a cabinet. This sends Matthew into hysterics, terrified that James will swing out or speak out at any moment from any part of the house just to startle him. So, I taught Matthew and James the game Marco Polo. Any time one of them shouts Marco, the other must respond with Polo. It's calmed Matthew's nerves a little. 

For Matthew, we suggested he could try to use words more when he's feeling strong feelings. When a brother is getting on his nerves or changing his games too much, he whines, then moans, then writhes on the floor, then shrieks like a banshee. Sometimes the aggressor knows what Matthew is upset about, sometimes he doesn't. We're encouraging words so Matthew can be more specific about his frustration. Then maybe the boys will respond better?

Alice was a tricky one. She's already working to improve the spirit of and Spirit in our home every day. Well, when she's out of her room, that is. She's taking on additional chores (e.g. bathing Matthew, helping him whenever he says he's bored, helping Matthew and James through their homework, sometimes even making dinner) and interacting with the boys in meaningful ways even when it's not her favorite way (Robert really, really, really likes hugging her). Seriously, she was born this way. I did nothing to deserve it. Sooooo, we suggested she could help the boys see opportunities to earn check marks. Not in a bribery way, but in a guiding way, "Hm. This looks like a good time to make things better." "Oo! You have a choice here!" "Way to use words, Matthew!" "James, I noticed you responded the first time Robert asked you that question." "Robert, that must have been hard to walk away from *hug*."

I want more of this...

The New York Times posted a feature online yesterday where their health and safety reporters used 1) calm, neutral language and 2) actual research publications to answer readers' questions about the Covid-19 vaccines. This brought me peace. Made me so happy.

Read it here.

Whoops, I don't know if that's free for everyone or just subscribers. You can probably access it for free through your library. It's entitled:

Answers to All Your Questions About Getting Vaccinated for Covid-19

By The New York Times   Jan. 27, 2021

Update (it starts kinda heavy but it gets lighter)

**********This is the heavy part**********

Feel free to skip to the lighter part at any time. You won't hurt my feelings. 

 

After 10 months of Covid restrictions, I find myself rattling around this house with too much responsibility and not enough to DO. Winter weather has been especially painful for me, shutting off the outdoors as a place to work/play/be. I am so, so tired of this house. So, so weary of living through the same day, the same petty chores, the same people, and the same problems every. single. minute.  This feeling persists despite three very big and wonderful events happening recently: 1) the boys going to in-person school 8 hours a week, 2) my friend's apartment being declared bedbug free, therefore allowing her senior home aide to return, therefore relieving me of those duties, and 3) the physical pain and mental anguish of a messy breakup finally stopped hurting as much. An open wound has healed into achy scar tissue now. 

I'm constantly irritable, never satisfied, losing interest in things that I used to enjoy, and scouring the news and government websites for any glimmer of hope that this will ever end.

And that, my friends, is a classic case of depression. Not an incapacitating case, but clearly having an impact.

I'm keeping to my usual coping mechanisms in place: daily anti-anxiety/depressive meds, regular bedtime, mostly healthy eating habits, reinstating daily personal scripture reading and prayer, keeping a physically orderly environment, good personal hygiene, and making regular contact with friends. I haven't exercised as much lately, but I'm still doing something every few days. If I went to therapy, I don't know what I would say. I would probably just cry. This is hard. It's hard to be strong all the time. It's hard to have everything I need and still feel unhappy. It's hard to feel guilty that others are suffering more than I am in so many ways. I should be grateful and happy and working to make things better...aren't I, though? I thought I was. Why am I still so sad? Why does the sound of a housemate coming to find me cause a flicker of dread...they're going to want something more from me...I'll have to be strong and patient and act like the adult, no matter what they do. And then there's the guilt for feeling that way. For wanting to avoid the people I love. Why do I feel like I'm a prisoner just trying to keep it together until rescue? Am I going to be okay until that rescue comes? Will rescue come?

 GAH! 

Talking about it helps. Had a good cry. Feeling a little better.

I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm going to change the subject now and talk about other things...

 

***************This is the lighter part****************

Last week, I decided I'd help Robert deep clean his room. It wasn't dirty, per se, but everything was everywhere in piles. He and I spent hours sorting and organizing his possessions. We rearranged some furniture, too, giving him more space where it mattered most. It was fortunate I did that when I did. It reminded me that we're keeping the queen-sized guest bed strapped against his wall, and it made a clear spot on the floor where we could set up the bed for Alice. She was having another episode of night anxiety. I suggested she could use the guest bed in Robert's room. He stays up longer than the younger boys, and welcomed the company. She felt better at that idea and actually slept really, really well that night. The next day, she asked for a queen-sized bed, deciding that a twin size was just too small anymore. Ha! But that one night of good sleep ended the anxiety episode. Hooray!

James started in-person school last Friday. He was pretty excited. And he was still excited this morning for his second day. They're learning all the extra Covid rules and procedures pretty quickly. Matthew's teacher sent me an email after his first week saying he did an AMAZING job with in-person expectations. She even capitalized it like that. I'm so glad! What a relief. 

When I drop off or pick up the kids from school, I hear the teachers call them "The Evans boys". It makes me smile. I can't decide exactly why. I also notice how other parents interact with their kids at pickup. There's one mom I've watched several times as she picks up her kindergartner at the drive-through. When her daughter comes out of the school doors, the mom gets out of her car, meets her at the curb with her hand out, holds her hand the 10 feet from the curb to the passenger door, opens it for her, helps her in, gets her out of her coat, and buckles her in to her car seat. I'm 95% sure that's how I would get Alice into the car as a kindergartner. That is in sharp contrast to how things roll with "The Evans boys", though. I don't get out. I push a button to open the sliding door on the curb side and the boys pile in. I push a button to shut the door and there's a shuffle as each boy finds his seat and struggles to buckle himself in before I leave the parking lot. Matthew usually wants to take off his coat and mask and hand me his stuff before sitting down and buckling. He's such a proper sort of fellow sometimes. But we end up barking at him to sit down, buckle up, and just wait the 2 minutes 'till we get home. Soooooo very different from one's first child.

With in-person school now, we've decided to be more cautious when we interact with Erin. The older kids groaned loudly about wearing a mask to visit her, but they would never choose to stay home over it. Matthew even said, "A mask is no big deal!" They are all pleased to hear that there's no vaccine approved for use in children yet, so their jabs probably won't happen until after the summer :) I signed them all up for check-ups, though, the first week of February. Alice and Robert will be getting boosters for entry into high school and middle school, respectively. Can you believe Alice will be going into HIGH school? Just 4 more years with this one.

And now for pictures:

Robert got Alice a giant stuffed llama for Christmas. They were both thrilled.

 

Robert finally got a crested gecko. He's been saving and planning for about a year. He's named him Tiny, though we won't know whether Tiny is a girl or boy gecko for at least 18 months. He/She will grow to about 8 inches long and a couple inches wide.

Tiny has proven to be curious, quite speedy, and a great jumper.

Now that's just adorable. Tiny eats fruit puree, mostly, but can be fed crickets.

Alice has been free-handing some sewing projects. Yes, her hair is now red. She loves it. This is a jumper she designed for one of her future children. She's amassing quite a collection. 

Here, James is taking Matthew's portrait. I'm glad the Magna-Doodle could be fun again for a little while.

Robert is very, very snugly these days. He wants snuggles when he's happy, when he's feeling a little insecure, and when he's bored. Sometimes he'll just come up to me and rub his face on my face. Hm.

(First) Day of (In-person) School (Sort of)

 

Robert and Matthew headed into school this morning. Robert was less than thrilled, Matthew was excitedly nervous. James' grade doesn't start in-person instruction until Friday. He was kinda jealous. 

I'm relieved. Two kids at home is a very different story from 4 kids at home. Even if all four are all occupied in their own ways in their own virtual classrooms, it's stressful for me. With only two kids at home this morning, my stress has dialed down significantly. My abs have stopped clenching.

I'm tired. Alice had a hard time getting to sleep last night...anxiety, afraid of being alone...and her usual plethora of coping techniques just weren't cutting it for some reason. I stayed in her room until 11pm. She says that if she can make it to 11pm, then morning doesn't seem too far away and her fears settle a bit. It's unfortunate that she has parents who like/need to go to bed between 9 and 9:30.

I'm curious. Two of our toilet seats have turned light blue.

I'm hopeful.

Changes...again

So, my boys are going back to in-person school next week. The news completely surprised me. Pretty much knocked me off-kilter for a couple days. What a flood of conflicting emotions, ripe for overthinking!! I'll quote my journal here:

"I was thrilled at the prospect of a break, scared at the risk I was taking, hopeful that my children would greatly benefit from the additional expectations and social interaction, annoyed about all the extra measures our family would have to take to meet the school's stringent health guidelines, grateful for the school's stringent health guidelines, worried about what Erin would say/think about it all, relieved that our district was finally seeing how other districts have done it safely over the last 4 months, and conflicted about whether the benefits outweigh the risks for everyone involved."

The boys took the news well. Robert was the most put out. He prefers the predictable, dependable routine he's built for himself with school-at-home. He knows exactly what to expect at any moment of the day. Surprisingly, James was thrilled with the news. He clapped and cheered. Matthew doesn't quite know what to think yet. He's never done school the traditional way, and this still won't be like traditional school:

Health screenings every morning.

Temperature checks before entering the building.

Masks required at all times by every. single. person.

Desks spaced 6+ feet apart.

Classes still broadcast over Zoom, including specials like P.E., fine arts, and library.

Scheduled bathroom breaks. One-way traffic in the halls. 

Abundant sanitizing measures before and after school.

4 mornings a week, 2.5 hours each.

They'll still have all their usual asynchronous school work to do at home in the afternoon.

My friends in Rhode Island, Ohio, and Utah have their kids in school-at-school in a plethora of ways. Some voluntary and some state-dictated. Every state and district has their own methods, of course. I take courage in the fact that none of these schools have had outbreaks linked to school attendance...so far. It appears (circumstantially) that kids can learn in-person in relatively safe ways. And I've been searching for studies looking at infection rates through school attendance. No luck. If anyone knows of any studies along this vein, please send them my way!!

A close friend questioned the logic of opening schools for in-person learning just weeks before teachers are eligible to get the vaccine in Illinois. That got me thinking. The governor's speech 2 days before gave me some real numbers: Illinois currently gets 300,000 doses of vaccine a week. As of January 25th, there will be 4 million people eligible to get the vaccine in Illinois (frontline healthcare workers, nursing home residents and staff, frontline essential workers, and all individuals 65+). Almost a million of those eligible folks have already received 1 or 2 doses. Teachers, thankfully, count as frontline essential workers, so they can get in line on January 25th, but what a long line!! It will take 10 weeks to give the remaining 3 million Illinoisans their FIRST dose. Then another 10 weeks for their second dose. That puts the rest of us in line at the beginning of June. If not everyone opts in, or if vaccine supplies go up for some reason (c'mon Johnson and Johnson!), that timeline could be reduced dramatically. So, yes, some teachers may start getting vaccinated in a couple weeks. Maybe it's worth waiting. The school board has decided that it's not worth waiting.

Robert's teacher, at least, is excited to get kids back into the classroom because "it will be good for them". Matthew's teacher strongly prefers being in the classroom, but recognizes that current conditions are not ideal for kindergartners to learn their best. I haven't asked James' teacher her thoughts yet.

And when the more virulent strains become all the rage here in the Midwest, school will most definitely close again. 

Change. Change. Change. It just keeps coming.

Long Hair

 

"If I had body hair this long I could go into a swimming pool naked." 

--James

Gripe session

I wrote this yesterday...

I haven't written about Christmas yet. I don't want to write about it today, either, because my mood right now is pretty dark. Don't get me wrong: It was a perfectly normal Christmas with all the anticipation and excitement that comes with 4 kids at home. I was satisfied with how it played out. I just won't do it justice in my current state of mind. 

I'm tired. I'm worn thin. I've spent all day at other people's beck and call, frustrated that I can't ever get the time I want to focus on the things I want to do. They don't need me, but they want me. I can't even go to the bathroom for 2 minutes without one or more of them hunting me down and asking me something through the door (or taking the opportunity to wreak vengeance on a sibling*). I spent the day trying to avoid their neediness (while still meeting their ACTUAL needs) and self-medicating with inordinate amounts of sugar. 

Not a good day.

What I want to do is work uninterrupted. Deep focus. I want to plan my garden, research future bike rides, and read the 8 library books that I checked out for me. I want to go for an afternoon run. I want to be alone in my house for hours because then, and only then, will I be free of all the entanglements and obligations and nagging guilt that always sways me to put others' wants in front of my own. Even if everyone is sitting quietly reading books or on screens, they're still there, needling the edge of my consciousness, because I know they can request my attention at any moment.

And here's the kicker: in the rare cases that I do get time to read on the couch, or spend all 2 hours of online school planning my garden or researching bike rides, it's not enough. It's never enough. I'm just as grouchy and unsatisfied afterwards because the task remains incomplete.

I want the impossible. 

So, I throw up my hands and open another bag of dark chocolate covered acai-blueberry candies because that's the only thing I want that I can actually get.

Grrrrrrrr.

I warned you this wouldn't be a light and fluffy blog post, yes? 

 

The blog post was unfinished, of course, because I had to make dinner. I cut a few corners that night and downgraded the menu-dictated chicken flautas to ground beef burritos. No frills. I wasn't planning to attend dinner with the family, thinking I could hide in my room for 20 minutes and let Bobby wrangle the crew on his own. Then I remembered he had an unusual (but becoming more common) after-hours work meeting in 10 minutes. 

There was no one to tag me out. 

I came to the table. Things got a little better. 

The kids liked dinner (a blessing). We played Mastermind for a while afterwards. I bribed Alice with chocolate to keep her out of her room. Then I left just before bedtime for my guitar lesson at Erin's house. Bobby's meeting ended in time.

The lesson went well. Tom, Erin, and I chatted current events (storming the Capitol Building, seriously?!). I pet Ruby. She licked me. A lot. Dogs are therapeutic. So is adult conversation. So is making music with someone. So is spending time in a house where all the chores and responsibilities are optional. There's nothing around to remind me of things I should/shouldn't do. And, wonder of wonders, it also has a treadmill and indoor bike for burning off all of that frustration energy! Erin and her house are a blessing. After our guitar lesson, I ran and ran and ran on her treadmill. I had run 3 miles that morning, but I went for 5 more. I was tired and sweaty, but I wasn't ready to go home yet. I swept and tidied...it feels good to use my skills in someone else's home...I feel like I'm competent instead of just playing catch-up. Then I had a little more chat time with Erin and pet/lick time with Ruby. She's such a sweet little puppy. It was 9:30 before I got home to shower. I felt a lot better, but still not quite right. I took 10mg of melatonin and went to bed, planning to sleep in the next morning as long as I possibly could.

I'm better today for an assortment of small reasons:

I slept in until 8:10am (skipped exercise, used earplugs).

A friend I hadn't heard from in forever sent me a meaningful text. I miss my friends. It's good to hear from them once in a while.

A surprise guest had to spend a couple hours at our house, but instead of having to make conversation with them in my off mood, it turns out they needed to get some blood drawn. After the trip to the lab, they were so tired that they fell asleep sitting up on my couch. That relieved the conversation pressure considerably.

Then my book of crosswords was delivered: something interruptable to do with my brain in those times I can't work on real projects!

And the kids were excited about going to Erin's house for a sleepover tonight, so they pestered each other less. 

I didn't have to make dinner. Bobby ordered Baldoratta's and I got a few things from the Co-op deli counter. The kids ate at Erin's.

One of my seed catalogs is selling 1-year-old Lingonberry plants this year. Lingonberry! I have room right next to my blueberry plants. They could be very good friends. 

I got an email saying 75-year-olds in our county were now invited to line up for a Covid-19 vaccine dose. That means we're almost done vaccinating essential healthcare workers and nursing home staff/residents. Progress! Change is coming.

I ate too much sugar today, too, but not until the afternoon :) and I sneak-shared it with Alice because she was doing such a great job playing with the boys and letting me blog. It was intentional on her part. Her empathy knows no bounds...which is her greatest strength and her greatest source of pain.

I feel better just writing it all out. I feel better remembering that not all days are like yesterday or this one. Monday and Tuesday were pretty great. The kids fell right back into the school routine and cheerfully did their work. It's just a funk I'm in. Probably triggered by the end of Winter Break not feeling like anything has changed at all. Just seeing two bleak, gray, cold months ahead of me. Blech. I'll get over it. I already am. Let's get back to work.