Healing

My friend Allison and I attended the temple yesterday. This visit had been in the works for a couple months, but I felt a renewed sense of urgency when three friends and family members from three different states contacted me separately within 2 weeks of each other and encouraged me to attend the temple again soon (Allison, Rachel, and Heidi). None of them knew it had been over a year since I had participated in an endowment session.

It was such a healing experience. And it was fitting that Allison was there with me, since she has been an integral, essential part of my life and healing since we became friends last fall. There are some feelings too strong for words. And some experiences too meaningful to share casually. I will tell you, though, that I cried with relief and joy and healing. That Allison was the companion I needed for this experience. And that I feel more loved and whole for having gone to the temple yesterday.

What a gift.

Anxiety

It's time to talk about Christmas.

The week before Christmas, I got pretty sick. I was nauseous, tired, and waking up in the mornings with my heart racing and fast breathing and adrenaline telling me that something was wrong and I had to do something NOW. The nausea had slowly gotten worse over the last 6 weeks and had led to undesired weight loss. I was feeling pretty weak. I saw a doctor about it and he ordered a chest x-ray and a series of blood tests to rule out all sorts of things.

Everything came back normal, except my vitamin D level was a titch low.

That meant my nausea and panic were being caused by something else. Something less biological and more emotional/mental.

I started talking to family members and learned that we share a pretty strong family history for anxiety and depression. Pieces started falling into place. I was going to need more help.

Bobby ran the household, Erin kept things fun for the kids, and my friend Allison talked me through the panic and the anger and the pain. Slowly, over the course of a couple weeks, I was able to eat more. I had more energy. I started feeling halfway normal in the evenings. I started taking an anti-depressant and slipped a bit, but by the end of the first week there were good days again.

I have had 12 good days in a row. I count each one as a blessing. I never want to take another good day for granted.

I'm not back to the way I was before the anxiety took hold, and I don't know what's possible for me here on out, but I'm okay. Right now, I can take care of myself and my family again. I have a rich support network of spouse, family, friends, and church family that has offered/acted to help in more ways than I can number. I'm getting medical help and seeing a therapist. I'm fortunate to have so many resources available to me. It's a pretty good place to be.

So, there it is. I don't know what more to say except I want to be open about this, so please don't hesitate to talk to me about it. And if you want to help but you don't know what I need, just say that :) And if you're wondering how I'm doing, you don't have to scrap for clues in my tone and body language. Just ask "How are you doing?" and I'll honestly let you know if it's a good day or not. I promise I won't go into excessive detail about it, either, unless you ask follow up questions :)