Really bad day

After a full day of fun on Saturday (see Winter Fun post), Matthew somehow crashed in the early evening into a stress episode that lasted 2 full days. These were 2 very hard days. 

He barely ate

He couldn't get dressed on his own

He couldn't go to church

He couldn't spend time with the family

He didn't sleep well

The first evening of this, I was so wrung-out and exhausted that I crawled into bed at 7pm and willed myself to sleep.

The next morning was one of the worst in a while. A minor disappointment triggered a terrified, angry, screaming Hulk attack. I literally had to dress his screaming little body and half-carry him to the car. I knew that if I could get him to school, he could reset. He sobbed the whole way up to his classroom saying that he couldn't do this. He sobbed loudly outside his classroom door saying that he couldn't do this. His classmates watched, but fortunately for us, another classmate had just thrown up all over the floor, so the class' attention was divided. They may never remember Matthew's episode. He had me walk with him to the closet to put his jacket away and pull out his workbooks. He was still crying as he went to his table. I turned and left. 

It's periods like these that I want to crawl into bed and disappear. I lose my desire to do anything but fall asleep and escape the weight of this fear and ignorance. I don't know what to do. Bobby doesn't know what to do. We're just getting through episodes like this one hour at a time. 

Sometimes I think about how great it would be to not to have to deal with this...like if I died or ran away somehow. These are not serious thoughts, of course. I'm in no danger of self-harm or abandoning my family. All I have to do is imagine what either of those things would do to these people I love and that hurts more than anything. So, I tell myself that things will change. I lock in to self-care: prayer, scripture study, personal hygiene, time with friends, and exercise. Kids grow up. Medication and therapy eventually work. Prayer and faith carry me. We do have good days, and these bad days don't last forever.

Matthew did fine at school. He struggled in the evening, putting himself to bed at 7pm. He woke up this morning happy and lovely. No problems. Cheerful, excited for this, that, and the other thing. Getting ready for school was easy. Dropping him off was easy. 

We did NOTHING differently. Nothing. 

And I feel better. 

Winter Fun

Saturday was the school ice skating party for James and Matthew. Matthew reeeeeeeally wanted to go. He wanted to ice skate and his friends had said they would be there. James opted to stay home and run some Christmas errands with Bobby. 

We got there just as it started. It took a little while to get the right size skates, but that only increased his excitement. His first few laps around the rink were slow and very close to the wall. He got a little faster every time, though, and was having a lot of fun skating on his own. I chose not to skate. His friends hadn't arrived yet. 

Heading out onto the ice.

Ice skating! All those weeks roller skating in P.E. paid off :)

A lot of kids were using the skating scooter to gain confidence. Matthew gave it a go, too.

Throughout the event, there was an administrator on the ice taking pictures of everyone. I saw her skate right up to Matthew's side and say something. Later, he told me she said, "Now who's the little lady skating here?" Matthew turned to face her and she instantly recognized him. A little shocked, she cried, "Oh! It's you, Matthew!" He thought it was hilarious. 

When they give us access to those pictures, I'll see if she got any with Matthew.

We took a cocoa break and some boys from Matthew's class said hi. Matthew turned to me a little sheepishly and whispered, "I don't know what to say to kids outside of school." These kids weren't his good friends. I learned later from Matthew that these were the "cool" kids and Matthew is a "friendly" kid, so they get along nicely but don't play together routinely. When we hit the ice again, these boys aggregated around Matthew and included him in everything. They started timing their laps. They told Matthew it was his turn, and he declined. They just told the next kid it was his turn. No teasing or excessive persuasion. Eventually, Matthew decided to take a timed lap. He was obviously slower and much less experienced. Halfway through, one of the kids skated out to skate next to him. the other kid continued timing. When Matthew finally returned to the start, his time was 3x longer than the worst time of any of the other boys. I wondered what might happen. It wasn't a true test...the boys knew I was watching, even though I was standing a ways off...but their reaction surprised me all the same. 

The kid with the timer excitedly told Matthew his time. Matthew was a little embarrassed. The kid was supportive, though, and genuinely praised his efforts. The group kept timing each other and being friendly and doing silly things for fun. When Matthew went for another timed lap, he shaved off 30 seconds! They were excited for him again!

Matthew had a GREAT time at the skating party. His good friends never showed up. That didn't really matter. He skated by himself and skated with the other boys from his class. At the end, as we walked to the skate return desk, Matthew said, "NGS is a really good school for me. I'm so glad I go there."

*********************************

Later that afternoon, James and Matthew decided they wanted to go sledding. Conditions were great. I wasn't too thrilled about going, but somehow I knew it was important that it happened that day. We arrived at the sledding hill and ran into James' closest friend from school. The three of them played (carefully and well-supervised by parents) on the frozen lake. I didn't take any pictures of James' friend, and I don't think I would post them here if I did, but he was there. I promise :)

Exploring the ice by the fishing dock

Matthew on a good day...friendly, cheerful, funny, brave, and happy to lie down on a frozen lake.

James managed to dislodge a hunk of ice from the lake surface. You can't really see it here, but it's several inches thick. Maybe 3-4 inches. He. was. thrilled. They tried to use this huge, heavy, pointy piece of ice to break other ice further out, but it just bounced off the surface. Crazy.

Then the boys went sledding together. We parents just watched, laughing at the hilarious outcomes. At one point, the boys were trying to sled onto a little ramp/jump someone had built at the bottom of the hill. Matthew was the first to hit it. He flew 3 feet straight up and landed hard on his back. He got the wind knocked out of him and used the rest of his energy to warn the other boys away from it. It was a hard target to hit, thankfully, and no one else got hurt. 

James just couldn't stay on his sled for whatever reason. His hair is wet with a delightful mixture of snow spray and sweat. It's a really big climb up this hill.

Matthew loved it!

Pink

Matthew needed a new winter coat. I was totally in agreement. He really wanted it to be pink. I hesitated.

Won't kids make fun of him?

I don't know.

Am I overreacting? 

Definitely.

A boy's pink coat used to be grounds for bullying and shame. Pink meant girly, which was synonymous in my mind with weak, silly, and frivolous. It was fine (and expected?) for girls to be these things (though I did NOT want to be seen that way), but not for boys. It turns out, however, that kids are growing up watching movies and reading books where girls and women have a broader range of socially-acceptable behaviors. They still have to be thin and beautiful, but they can also be smart, fierce, and compassionate leaders. They have autonomy. They are powerful. If I grew up when pink meant THOSE things, I might have developed a better feeling about pink. 

Well, whatever pink means now, Matthew just likes the color. He likes it as much as I hate it, actually. I tried to get him to choose purple just so I wouldn't have a pink coat in the house. No dice. This kid knows what he wants. 

When I was dropping Matthew off at school for the second day with his brand new pink coat, he pointed out one of his classmates hopping out of his car in front of us. He told me his name, which I promptly forgot because 1) he wasn't one of Matthew's closer friends, and 2) that kid was wearing a pink coat, too!

Icicle sword fighting

Note to Self

I was going through Matthew's school folder and discovered this little gem:

Transcription:

hi matthew

Here is some things to do when you are having a panick atack

Please acshaly use theas

• Breat in till you can't than do a little more the let it out
• go upside down
• try a cart wheel / gym nastincs
• think about hiyperfixsshons
• smile

I'm not sure who or what exactly gave him the idea to write this all down, but I suspect his therapist had something to do with it. hiyperfixsshons = hyperfixations = his absolute favorite things to obsess over lately.

[P.S. I asked Matthew later about this list when he was slowly but surely devolving into a panic attack. He scoffed. He said they HAD to make that list for his Social-Emotional Learning lesson and that he just made it all up. It meant nothing. Dang.]

[P.P.S. Yesterday morning, Matthew feels a panic attack coming on. He sucks in his breath, holds it, then sucks in a little more and holds it. Then he lets it all out and declares in shock, "I'm not stressed anymore! The breathing thing ACTUALLY works!" He was happy the rest of the morning and got to school just fine.]

Photos

Matthew's birthday cake this year :)

Matthew in his Spider Man costume for Halloween. 

James and Matthew at the ward Trunk-or-Treat. James is dressed as a "capitalist" and Matthew is a machine being controlled by a wolf. I think. 
 

Nova, absolutely pooped after a long morning chasing squirrels at the park.

Me and Matthew playing Bananya, the card game that Lukas' boyfriend bought Matthew during our visit to Carbondale. It's pretty cute. 

Fantastic icicles at Erin's house!

James' praying mantis egg case (aka oothecase) hatched this morning. I think we have maybe 100 baby praying mantises in my kitchen right now. Fortunately, our local pet store carries pinhead crickets and flightless fruit flies so they won't go hungry. Our last brood ended up eating each other, mostly, even with a steady supply of crickets. We've got them in a larger container this time...maybe that will curb the cannibalism? 

Ok, Let's Talk Turkey

Thanksgiving break was pretty nice this year. We planned to spend Thanksgiving in Ohio with our friends the Garners and the Barruses. James and Matthew had the whole week off, while Robert wasn't off until Wednesday, so I took the younger boys to Ohio for some touristy stuff before the two Roberts arrived Wednesday afternoon. Lukas opted to stay in Urbana with Erin this year. 

Did I take pictures? Not many. It looks like I haven't downloaded the photos from my phone in a very, very long time. 

Tuesday evening, the boys and I checked into our VRBO, but the front door code wasn't working. The instructions they emailed me said the code would be the last four digits of my phone number. Well, we tried it multiple times until the key pad itself locked us out. Matthew about died. He thought we would have to sleep outside. I contacted the owner and she fixed the issue. We unloaded our stuff, chose our bedrooms, made grilled cheese, and I went grocery shopping for the last few items we needed. It wasn't the loveliest place we've ever stayed, and it kinda smelled bad, but Matthew was starting to calm down. That's when the neighbors came by to let us know in no uncertain terms that they were very upset with the owner about parking and other property issues and the VRBO would be closed down by the city that weekend. Matthew kinda lost it. I assured him that none of that would affect our stay. We would park in the right place and leave at the right time. Matthew still didn't feel safe, but he was willing to give it a go. Well, about 8:30, we hear someone entering numbers into the front door keypad and trying to open it. Repeatedly. I open the door and it's another person claiming to have reserved this VRBO this weekend. We were both completely shocked. He tried to contact the owner and I suddenly remembered the code not working for us earlier...I looked over my reservation...yup, I had reserved this property for Thanksgiving 2026, not 2025. We had arrived a year early! 

Well, I scrambled to find another place to stay. Slim pickings. I did finally find one, but they wouldn't be ready for us tonight. We had to stay somewhere else tonight. We had to vacate the property in 20 minutes. Fortunately for me, Rachel's house guests weren't arriving until the next day, so we hurriedly loaded the van back up (and got another tongue lashing from the neighbor) and got out of there. Matthew pretty much decided he never wanted to come back to Ohio ever again. We crashed in Rachel's guest room. All three of us. She had several excellent sleeping places to offer us, but the boys wouldn't leave me. Matthew and I shared the bed and James stayed on an inflatable hiking mat on the floor. He did not sleep. I did not sleep. Matthew did great. 

Wednesday morning we decided to visit the Cleveland Museum of Art. They have an impressive display of medieval armor and weapons. They even have several suits of child-sized armor that were made for young princes. We examined every floor. My boys gravitated towards the realistic portraits and scenes. About 30 minutes into our art adventure, we were moving from the armor section past an elevator where 10 people suddenly spilled out around and through our little threesome. Seconds later, Matthew started getting a panic attack. Related? He said it wasn't, but I'm gonna hold on to it for a bit. 

Matthew suddenly decided at that moment to play a game. We would come up to a painting (realistic portraits of battle scenes and families and historical moments) and have to guess which person in the painting he was impersonating. James played, too. It was hilarious! That kid is something. The panic returned as soon as the game grew stale. I knew our time was short, but I wanted to see the last floor...Renaissance art. James started dragging his feet, too. Everyone knows that Matthew's panic signals the end. It's no use trying to stave it off. We turned the corner into the exhibit and I saw a painted scene from the nativity story. I asked them to tell me which person was Jesus. It was another game. They groaned in synch. I said we could leave the museum once we found Jesus 10 times. All of a sudden, they were dashing about examining the art and counting them up. It was like shooting fish in a barrel. They found 10 images of Jesus in about 20 seconds and we were done!

The Cleveland Art Museum Atrium. Matthew wanted a picture where it looked like he was holding the tree.

Here, we are taking the glass elevator down to the parking level. 

The next stop was Trader Joe's. It's a popular (and kooky?) grocery store with interesting items and flavors. We picked up mango-flavored dreamsicles and the cutest little ice cream cone drumsticks you've ever seen. That was lunch. We also found an ENORMOUS pair of pomegranates and a trio of fancy jams: rhubarb vanilla bean, mango with yuzu lemon, and strawberry with black pepper. See? It's kinda cool and weird all at once. 

After Trader Joe's, we headed back to Rachel's house. I got started on some bike repairs. Rachel's kids came home from school and we invited them to the movies with us. Not just any movie, but Wicked: For Good. The best seat we could find was way too close for my taste (4th row) but Matthew said, "I have to move my head just to see the whole screen! I love it!" And he loved, loved, loved the movie just as much. I talk a lot about Matthew's stress and panic attacks, but this kid is enthusiastic, funny, smart, confident, and just plain great to be around the rest of the time. It's a welcome relief to see him enjoying himself so thoroughly. 

Bobby and Robert arrived in Ohio during the movie. They weren't able to check in to our new VRBO until 4pm, and the owner was not the most responsive of communicators, so we just met up with them after the movie at the Garner's house. When we finally did check in to our rental, it was FREEZING. No bad smells or grouchy neighbors, though, so Matthew felt considerably safer. The old, drafty house never did warm up adequately. I kinda felt like I was camping.

Thursday morning, Thanksgiving, we had a leisurely breakfast of Dutch Puff and took our time getting ready for the day. We arrived at the Garners' house about 11am and stayed until 8pm or so. It was a long day of video gaming, bike repair, food prep, lots of good conversations with my friends, some board games, a service project, and an excellent meal with people I enjoy very much. Robert had a headache, though, and was struggling to have fun with teenagers he barely remembered and who had nothing obviously in common with his current interests. My friend was scoring pre-calculus exams for her college-level math class and offered a blank one to Robert. He finished it in 20 minutes and only missed one point for having a negative sign in the wrong place. He was pretty proud of that, and was offered some calculus problems to work on. Robert is not in a calculus class. He's studying it on his own to take the AP exam in May. Working on the problems was great, he said, until he had a question about something and all the Garner boys (who are currently taking college-level calculus) knew something that he didn't. It made him feel stupid :( A lot of Robert's current self-image is built on being really good at some things. Math is one of those things. So, being the only teenager in the room who didn't know that one math thing was a real blow.

Friday was another leisurely day. We had pie for breakfast! Then we had an elaborate popcorn tasting before the Barrus family had to leave. There was a winter storm coming through that would make their drive home very difficult and dangerous if they didn't leave in the early afternoon. It turns out the most traditional-looking popcorn won in almost every category. After lunch, we visited the Fannie-May chocolate factory. Tours weren't happening that day, but we got to taste a piece at their gift shop and score some great chocolate deals. 

James out in front of the chocolate factory. It's freezing cold. There's snow and ice everywhere. No one wants to sit on the giant chair. And James will not smile in a picture unless it's an accident. 

After lunch, Rachel and Gideon drove me to a bike shop to pick up some parts. Fortunately, they had everything I needed! I worked on bikes the rest of the afternoon. That evening, we played Bunco. 

As I explained how to play the game to a cluster of teenagers and young adults, Robert insisted that I was making absolutely no sense. Joshua backed me up, though, saying that my explanation was plenty clear. I took it as a sign, however small, that my communication issues with Robert may not be entirely as one-sided as he proclaims. 

This is the traditional "kids on the stairs" photo that we take when we visit the Garners. You can see some Barruses in there, and there are a LOT of kids missing. This is also one of the few pictures you'll see James smiling by accident. 

We left for home the next morning, but had to stop halfway and spend the night in Dayton, OH. Another winter storm had closed down the freeway. It was hard to believe, though, since Dayton was getting no snow whatsoever. Bobby and I left the boys at the hotel to check out another kooky grocery store in Cinncinati. It was pretty weird. We found a few treasures, though, that we had to bring home. 

That night in the hotel, James got the bed with me and Matthew got the couch. I did not sleep. James did not sleep. Matthew did fine. 

As we drove again the next day on perfectly dry roads, James started doubting whether we should have stayed overnight in Dayton at all. Just past Indianapolis, we saw a couple cars that had slid off the road the day before. Then another. And another. In that final stretch of highway between Indy and Urbana, we counted 16 cars that had slid off the road into snowbanks and ditches. James no longer doubted the wisdom in staying in Dayton for the night. 

While we were away, Lukas was crazy-busy in our kitchen. He baked oatmeal raisin chocolate chip cookies, 3 dozen croissants, and several small loaves of bread. He prepared his signature ramen and experimented with a fermented ginger drink. He cooked a large batch of beef stroganoff to take back to college with him. He said he lost track of time while he was cooking/baking. It was lovely. He also cleaned up after himself!

I had a great time visiting with my friends. The weather didn't allow for a trip to Kirtland, OH, so we'll have to go back when it's warmer :)

October and November

It's mid-November. Today is the official beginning of the "Persephone Period" when daylight is just short enough that all plants stop growing. Even plants in greenhouses with temperature control and the perfect soil conditions will just stop. And wait.

Kinda feels familiar ;)

I'm working hard to let November be November this year, and not just "Pre-Christmas-Month." I've been happier. I don't really like Christmas anymore. There are expectations and standards and "shoulds" and the burden of celebrating and recognizing this holiday for weeks on end. Like it's up to me to create traditions and a magical, spiritual experience for my family 2 months of every year. The truth is, it's never quite enough or quite right. That hurts. 

So, no thanks. I'm putting that off as long as I can this year.

Our October and November have been full :) At the ward trunk-or-treat, James ran a candy casino. It was his idea, start to finish, and he had a lot of fun running the games. All three boys had social events to attend on Halloween itself (hip hip hooray!), so we had Erin and my mom over to watch some movies. Bliss. 

Nova ate a sock that landed her in the hospital again, but thankfully they helped her work it out without surgery. This time. She's now better supervised and restricted from certain parts of the house. She's also on a strict exercise routine to keep things moving along in case of another incident. She doesn't mind. She'll gladly sleep on the couch all day or go out and run with squirrels. No big deal to her. 

Alex now goes by Lukas. It's trickier to change someone's name when they're not around all the time, but we're trying :) We chat regularly. He says I am welcome to share on the blog anything he's willing to share with me. So, he's got a boyfriend and a good group of friends. He's doing well in his classes. He's started testosterone therapy and is really, really happy about it. He says he can already hear a difference in his voice, but most people won't notice much of a change until March or so. He was able to move into a private room at the dorms, which has helped immensely with his panic attacks, and he says college is his happy place. He's finally who he wants to be with real friends who care about him, and his future is wide open.

I've been back at the gym the last couple of weeks. It's good and it's hard.

Matthew has been a lot happier at home lately. He's been able to do his homework at school, or catch up in his after school tutoring sessions once a week. He's in love with a couple new video games, too. We got him super soft and comfy clothes that he's happy to change into every day, which has relieved a significant amount of school morning stress. He still has incapacitating panic attacks with screaming and crying, but they're less frequent when other stressors are avoided. I'm also a little more callous to his episodes. It doesn't pay off to hover. It doesn't change anything to offer a litany of possible solutions to his current stress. When he's stressed about getting out of the car at school, I used to park the car and carefully navigate his emotions back to "okay" before he'd finally get out and walk in on his own. I have since learned that he does better in school. Any time he's out in the car with me, he's falling further behind in class, which only builds more stress later on. It's a pattern we both want to avoid. So, with this logic in mind, he's recently allowed me to walk him up to his classroom. I'm in my pajamas. Hair hurriedly pulled back. He's clinging to me the whole time. His face is buried in my shirt as we pass teachers and kids in the hallway. I smile and say, "Good Morning." I've had to let go of a lot of things to make this possible. Pride, mostly. But, he's on his own two feet and he's going to class. On time. 

The longer we live with this, the more we learn. There's a brief window of opportunity in Matthew's panic attacks where intervention can make a difference (usually humor), but once he crosses that threshold, it's no longer about one thing or another, it's out of control. He's kind of an Anxiety Hulk that way. 

There'a video game I like to play called Total Battle. I spend a lot of time on it. I love it. It's a slow-burn sort of game where you build technologies and resources over time that allow you to defeat bigger and bigger monsters and gain more and more strength. It's primarily a team game. Your clan matters. When individual players choose to sacrifice a little personal gain in order to help the clan, everyone benefits 10-fold. I like the other players in my clan. There are some genuinely wonderful people that I've grown to love. There are also frustrating people and bullies and miscommunications and cultural differences (our clan is from all over the world). It's fascinating. I was promoted to leadership some months ago and my specialty is clan data. I loooooove the data work. I collect data, look for patterns, and suggest clan action based on the evidence. It's so much more straightforward than dealing with the players themselves. I let the clan diplomats do that stuff :)

The government shut-down was frustrating for me, but I didn't take any action until SNAP benefits were suspended. Then I got a little angry. Seriously? We're starving people now? I loaded up on groceries and delivered them to small, free food pantries scattered around town. Do you have those in your area? They're like those "Little Free Libraries" but for food. It's just a box or cabinet on a post that people can give and take food from as desired. A couple boxes nearby are sponsored by churches, and one cabinet was put up by my friend in her front yard. A woman happened to be visiting one of these free food pantries when I stopped to restock it. She was shocked and thrilled to get a head of cabbage, some grapes, bananas, carrots, a loaf of bread, and a jar of pasta sauce. She said, "Oh, this is so great. I'm going to leave some for other people."

We've had a couple campfires in the backyard since it's grown colder. I bought a "smokeless" fire pit, hoping it would be an improvement, and it was!! So, so, nice. The wood we harvested from Erin's dead tree is almost half gone. I thought it would need a year to dry out, but it was mostly dead already when we cut it down. It burns quite nicely :) James and I sit out there mostly. He's been toying with the idea of blacksmithing, heating up different kinds of metal in the fire and checking out their properties. I couldn't handle the hammering noise, though, and put an end to it. Sorry, James. Last night, he asked for a gas-powered forge in his bedroom. I said no. He can save that dream discussion for future landlords, roommates, and spouses. 

It's parent-teacher conference time. Matthew is still reading at an eighth grade level and spelling/handwriting/punctuating like a 2nd grader. His teachers are super supportive, though, as we try to get him the right combination of helps. After Matthew failed a writing assignment because it was utterly illegible, they decided to let him type out his future ELA assignments. He's also a slow typist, but at least there will be some spell-check and grammar help! They say he's engaged and thoughtful in class. They like his sense of humor and big imagination. 

James' history, science, and ELA teachers think he's a hoot. They love his comments and thoughtful questions. They like his creativity and semi-crazy ideas. His math and French teachers, however, want to see more from him. No surprise there. At all. His French teacher started off with, "Well, we know that James is James..." I laughed so hard. In short, he needs to work on slowing down and going back to correct his mistakes. 

We stopped at the hardware store today to get more paint for James' room. We'll need to go back to get wall putty. When you buy wall stickers for your children, please be sure they are not the "permanent" type. I didn't even know there WAS a permanent type. Sheesh. It's ripped the top layer off of the drywall. Ridiculously timely learning experience. Ugh. He should be able to repair the wall and finish the sky blue base coat by the end of the weekend. I hope :)

The Kids (and dog)

It's hard to know anymore what I can share on the blog about my older kids' lives. Once they hit middle school, there are events and feelings that affect my life but aren't mine to share. I'll try to walk that line carefully. 

Alex--

Doing really well at college. He's got a solid group of friends, a job, and a variety of classes that he enjoys. We chat on the phone on Sundays and text through the week here and there. He's navigating independent living and adult life. He's coming up to C-U for James' birthday weekend :) James will be turning 13, so they have plans for a PG-13 movie marathon. Thank you to Erin for being willing to host them! That wouldn't go over so well at our house.

Robert--

Working through the high school grind. He's got a solid group of friends, a killer workout routine, and a variety of classes that he tolerates well enough ;) He made a decision this summer to be out of his room more and be more social in general. It was tricky at first, but now that Matthew is generally on a tablet most of the day, the house is quiet and serene. The whole household feels lighter. There's time and opportunity and energy for real conversations. We talk about lots of things theoretical and hypothetical. He tells me about some of his classwork and some of the things that really frustrate him. I'm learning his life rhythm and cadence a little better. He's a genuinely funny and thoughtful guy. I didn't know that last year.

James--

This kid is taking school a little more seriously this year. He has a goal to have zero missing assignments. He's even started using the study hall he has at school to do homework...imagine that! James has a grade goal in mind for math, too. He still hates learning French. Almost as much as he hated learning piano. Speaking of music, James' 7th grade class is putting on a musical, Matilda, Jr., in December. Not only did James audition, but auditioned for a lead. He was assigned the exact role he wanted: The Trunchbull. If you're not familiar with the Roald Dahl story, Matilda is a bright girl that is sent to a horrible school headed by The Trunchbull. The Trunchbull is a very masculine, militant, yelling sort of person with horrible torture chambers and a vindictive rage towards children. Of course James wanted the role! He already knows all the music.

Matthew--

I just wrote about Matthew in the previous post. I wonder what he would write about himself. He would likely tell you about Zelda: Breath of the Wild, or Grounded, or any other video game that piques his interest at the moment. He wants to do gymnastics and work out so he can dress up as Spider Man and look the part. He loves having his own room (Thank you, Alex). 

Nova--

Cute dog. Still calm and patient. Excited to go places and sniff new people, but prefers if they let her approach at her own pace. She discovered squirrels at the dog park and now hovers obsessively at the foot of those trees hoping one will fall out or something. I'm not quite sure what she would do if she ever caught up to a live one. She's not terribly interested in the dead ones we've found. She does hunt crickets and grasshoppers, though, as James learned the other day. He was trying to catch a large grasshopper to save for Alex's bug collection. He finally got a hold of it, but it slipped off the bench and Nova pounced on it immediately. Chomp, crunch, slurp, smack, smack, smack. Then she looked up at James as if to ask, "Got any more?" Well, James was a little upset at first, but then he just stirred up the grass to get more crickets to jump onto the patio where Nova could eat them. She's no good at hunting them in grass. 

Nova comes to the nursing home with me every week to visit a friend. She comes to the boys' therapy appointments and sits with me in the pet-friendly lobby. I take her wherever I feel like I can get away with it. I keep taking her out with me so she gets used to meeting new people. I'd really like for her to be comfortable as a therapy dog. She's well-behaved and curious, quiet and soft. She only stinks when I haven't bathed her in a while :)

Mathew's First Weeks of School

It's only been a month since my last post, but holy moly, it feels like three. Whew.

School life is a huuuuge adjustment for me. 

After an especially difficult weekend with Matthew's anxiety, I've been feeling some of my own physical anxiety symptoms (nausea, fatigue, irritability, irrational thoughts, mental buzzing/whirring in my head, difficulty concentrating). It occurred to me just this morning that if Matthew experiences his anxiety disorder the way I do, he's probably feeling all of those things, too. It gave me a new insight into his behavior. I understand his lack of appetite and inability to do regular life. I understand how easy it is to navigate a problem on a good day and then feel utterly overwhelmed by that same problem on a bad day. I even understand the relief that a stupid video game can bring. In my worst times, I could only lay on the couch and sleep. In the slightly better times, I could lay on the couch and play dumb games on my tablet between exhausted naps. In the slightly better times than that, I could do family history on the computer.

This explains a lot of what seems so unpredictable and intractable with him. 

We had a small miracle this week when Matthew's teacher offered to tutor him once a week after school. I cried. She has no idea how difficult it is for us to get him through homework. She has no idea how difficult it would be for Matthew to be tutored by anyone but her. This was an answer to prayer.

The truth is, when Matthew's having a good moment and he's motivated, he can complete his math homework in a few minutes without a single mistake. In a bad moment, absolutely nothing works. Nothing makes sense. He can't even sit up. He's crying and apologizing that he can't make himself do it. He has to use his fingers to add 1 and 1. He can't multiply 6 times 0. Literally. That happened just this weekend. So, it's not the tutoring he needs, per se, but the right set of circumstances in which to do the work. 

Aaaaand he clearly needs more help managing his anxiety. Gonna call his doctor about that. Again. 

I've found a few other tricks that help Matthew get through the day. He likes the silky feel of dri-fit/athletic/performance fabrics, so I got him several tops and shorts of each. It makes getting dressed for school a world easier. If only church clothes came in athletic fabrics...sigh.

He also does better with a hot breakfast, usually something high carb with chocolate chips: pancakes, waffles, muffins. He won't say no to french toast, a cinnamon roll, or a croissant. And on weekends, we've got to do Dutch Puff/German Pancakes.

Matthew loves his Dungeons and Dragons Club at school. Loves it! He's been DMing his group's most recent adventure and loves how he can shape the story and manage troublemakers with humor. One teammate keeps trying to kill non-player characters like shopkeepers and random citizens on the street. Matthew (and the dice) deal the consequences, and they are never in favor of the rogue teammate. At this moment, the teammate has melted down all of his copper money into bullets but can't find a single blacksmith that will make him a gun. Matthew smiles about this.

Matthew also really likes archery. They're doing an archery unit in PE right now. He misses one PE class a week to attend his dyslexia therapy :( but he plans to join the archery team again when they start up in January. 

Sometimes I wonder if Matthew will ever live independently or find a job that suits his needs. Will he go to college? Will he find someone to love and share his life with? 

I often question my parenting choices with him. Sometimes, a choice feels perfect. Sometimes, it feels like a cop out. Always, though, I end up looking at it from the outside and imagining what others might think about it. I come up with a defensive justification in my head. I imagine turning my shoulder and looking away. I feel alone. I think about all the things he's missing and all the things I'm missing as we work so hard on this particular set of challenges. I think about James, Robert, and Alex. I try to be the mom they need, too. And it gets to me. I tell myself that I'm doing the best with what I've got. I really am. I truly believe that. And yet, I'm still feeling all the hard things. It's still difficult and isolating. 

*sigh*

Then I get up and do it all again the next day. 

It makes sense why I would be developing physical symptoms of anxiety right now. I'm so grateful for the medication and social support that I have in place to keep it from getting much worse. I'm grateful for time. I'm grateful for it every day because that means things don't have to be fixed right now. It means that things don't stay the same, for good or ill. It means that I get to grow and get stronger and learn new things. Time is my friend. We go way back ;)

Alex is Adulting!

Yesterday, James and I moved Alex into his freshman dorm room. 

Gotta be honest, I didn't think all his stuff would fit in the van. It did.

I also didn't think it would fit in his dorm room. It totally did.

He was exhausted, though, literally stepping off a bus from a 3-day freshman sleep away camp right onto campus. I can't tell you much about this camp except that the food was TERRIBLE (I have pictures to prove it), the cabins were air conditioned, and Alex made a few new friends. There was a bonfire, too. And a karaoke night :)

So, Alex was exhausted and feeling a little overwhelmed. There were a bajillion people hustling around like ants and we knew nothing. Alex took the initiative, however, and figured out what needed to be done next. I tell you, this kid has skills I couldn't dream of at his age. I think part of it is family placement. He's the 1st child, I'm the 8th. Part of it is personality. Alex likes/needs some things just so, and has the patience to get it that way. The final part is his experience level. He's already held down a full-time job and saved thousands of dollars for college. At age 46, I STILL haven't managed to secure a full-time job. Ha ha ha!

Alex's room is on the 7th floor of a 16-story tower. And while the tower has 4 elevators, only 2 were functional at the time. We waited in line 15-20 minutes every time we took up a load. Seriously. I arrived with his stuff at 12:15pm and we finally had it all in his room 2 hours later. One minivan, 2 HOURS!

We then registered his bike with campus police. They gave him a U-lock (yay!) and lights for night riding (Illinois law). They also pointed out exactly where he should park his bike overnight so the security cameras would always have a good view of it. Huzzah! Again and again, I have been impressed by how much this community actually cares about the students who come here.

Next, we headed out to get his student ID. And we needed food. Stat. It was 3pm, however, and the dining hall wasn't serving lunch or dinner at that time. We ate Chik-Fil-A and fancy salad at the strangely empty Student Center. I downed an enormous Mountain Dew. 

Refreshed, we were ready to start unpacking :) I was grateful for Alex's abundant treat supply as we unboxed, sorted, assembled, organized, and put away everything he brought. 

BEFORE

DURING

AFTER

After a quick trip to WalMart in the pouring rain, he had everything he needed to create his perfect space. He lofted his bed so he could create an "Autism Cave" underneath. It's a soft, squishy, dark place with gentle lighting, books, DVDs, a TV, and crafts. 

James and I stayed until 8:30pm or so to put the finishing touches on everything, then drove 3 hours home and dropped straight into bed. 

I'm happy for Alex! This is the right direction for him and he's so, so prepared for it, even with how new and different it is. Also, now that he's graduated to college, he'll start getting these blog posts. Congrats, Alex!

Summer Snippets

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This entry was written 26 July 2025, published 11 August 2025

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Alex goes to college in 2 weeks. He's still crazy excited and terrified. He's started packing up his room. I'm still not feeling any nostalgia, sadness, fear or loss. Just cautious excitement :) Here's the thing: I don't remember my transition to college being anything particularly difficult. I was 45 minutes from my parents. I came home for weekends that first term because I had a boyfriend. And, thanks to a fantastic summer program for women in science, I had a job and an instant posse of friends from day one. I had a scholarship to pay tuition and a tidy little student loan to pay rent.

Actually, now that I write that all down, I realize that my freshman experience isn't much like Alex's at all. Add to that his powerful desire to transform himself, and we have a completely new situation on our hands. Alex is getting more piercings this week. On his face. This doesn't excite me. He knows this. He's wanted to do lots of things for years and he's respectfully obeyed our wishes that he wait until adulthood. Not a single fight. I have a lot of love and respect for a kid who can wait that patiently for something he's wanted so long.

Yesterday morning, before James and Matthew got up, it was just Bobby, me, Alex, and Robert doing our stuff in the kitchen and living room getting ready for the day. I brought up the Evans Family Reunion next summer and asked Alex if he would be coming. He's not sure. We were kidding around about the novelty of having an adult child in the family with his own schedule and life outside the house. Bobby said something like "it's harder to plan things for the family..." and Robert hopped in with a joking laugh, "cuz' you won't be part of the family anymore."

I burst out laughing way more forcefully than I had anticipated. Before Robert said it out loud, I didn't know exactly what I was feeling about Alex's college transition. Turns out, I was feeling like the Alex at college wouldn't be "part of the family" anymore. 

That's true AND false. It's true that he won't be in our daily lives and routines. We will know only what he chooses to share with us, and he will know only what we choose to share with him. Each of us will make plans for the future without consulting each other's calendars every time. All the daily life overlap/intimacy has been synonymous with the word "family" in our house for the last 18+ years (e.g. your family is the group of people you live with at home). 

Now we get to expand that definition. 

My parents and siblings haven't lived in my home for decades, but they are still family. And when I got married, my running definition of "family" expanded again as I came to love Bobby's parents and siblings. Somehow, when we started having kids of our own, my working definition of "family" shrank back to its default size. Alex leaving for college is starting to pull it wider again :)

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Robert went to FSY (For the Strength of Youth, a week-long church camp for teenagers) at Purdue University last week. He wants to go again next year. When I asked him about it, he was reluctant to share any details. He said the best part of it all was the fact that it was him and his friends and his own choices and his own experience. He doesn't really want to share that with his family. I respect and love that, too. 

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A friend of ours suggested we get our families (e.g. the people who live in our homes) together at a park for some lake fishing and hill cart fun. I liked the idea. A lot. I decided to add ice blocking and a hot dog lunch, too. Then I invited all of the families in the ward with kids my kids' ages to come. I rented the pavilion by the playground at Colbert Park and set a date. People came! The kids were generally old enough to manage their own activities and be courteous to each other. It took two hours of almost constant use for James' hill cart to finally break. Nobody got hurt :) 

My favorite part was getting people together that my kids would enjoy. My second favorite part was how easy and comfortable all those wonderful people made it.

Chainsaw Lessons on the 4th of July

James asks to learn how to use a chainsaw. 

Erin has a half-dead tree in her yard. 

Perfect.

Yesterday afternoon, we had an impromptu landscaping party at Erin's house. I brought Nova. Bobby and James worked on the tree, Erin and I watched from the driveway in camp chairs. The dogs hung out, panting. It was a hot afternoon, but there was a nice breeze. 

Nova and Ruby "chillin'" in the car. I think Nova was telling me she was ready to go home.

This was the thickest limb.

Hauling, hauling, hauling.

Chucking a log onto the pile.

Matthew called me at some point asking where I was (did I forget to tell him??) and hung up once he heard we were all hanging out at Erin's house. 15 minutes later, I see him running up the sidewalk, barefoot, in pajamas. He ran the whole way over, half a mile, just to be part of the fun. He didn't do it out of anxiety. He wasn't the slightest bit anxious or stressed about making that trip on his own. He was thrilled, actually. His anxiety is like a light switch. When it's on, everything is bad. When it's off, nothing phases him. It's hard to address something so seemingly random.

That morning, I had gone with the Prairie Cycle Club on their annual 4th of July Perimeter Ride. It was the longest ride I'd done in months. 37 miles. It would have been a whole lot harder if I hadn't met K. She's a long-term club member and a seriously active 60-year-old. We have the exact same bike! She's a natural talker, thankfully, so she was using a lot of air to chat, which made it easier for me to keep up with her. I learned a lot about her and her passions. She gave me some research to look up on low-carb eating. I was fascinated by how much a change in diet improved her own health and the health of her family members suffering from similar chronic conditions. Just plain awesome. I've heard similar testimonials from friends who went vegan, dairy-free, or gluten-free for a variety of reasons. I am thoroughly convinced that one eating pattern does not fit all. 

We talked about food addiction, too. I'm pretty sure I'm in that boat. Gotta read up on that. 

I've got a lot to read up on, actually. This winter, I'm going with Rachel on a 4-day cruise to Mexico. She's an avid reader, and this cruise is something of a conference with several authors she enjoys. She sent me a reading list. I like what I've read so far! There's so much more to go. We will also be making a couple 50-mile rides on this trip ;) Rachel can be pretty darn efficient.

Swimming!

This summer, a friend from church has invited our family to use their backyard pool. It's large, shaded, heated, and quiet. James and Matthew spend hours in it just about every other day. Thursday, it was a new record of 4 hours. What I love best about this is 1) how well the boys play together, 2) the physical activity away from screens, 3) seeing Matthew finally gain confidence in the water, and 4) the time for me to work quietly on other things poolside.

Recurring Dream

Over the last few months, I've had a recurring dream that causes me to wake up angry and sad and frustrated. It involves James. 

In the dream, I'm doing something with the family. It's been a variety of things, so I don't think the activity itself is important. The family members present also vary, except for James. Somehow, in the dream, I'm asking him to stop doing something. He doesn't stop. It's not that he doesn't hear me, he's choosing to ignore me. I get more insistent. Then louder. He keeps going. I get more and more frantic until I'm screaming and crying, commanding him to stop with everything I've got. It doesn't make a difference. I wake up furious and beaten. 

What the heck?!

I don't feel this way about James in real life. Not even close. Sure, he's the kid most likely to push his brothers' buttons a little longer than I want him to. Yes, he does a lot of things before asking if he can do them. And, of course, he's just plain growing up and exploring independence. None of this bothers me to the point of screaming out of control. Or screaming at all.

Also, James is one of the most sensitive of my kids when it comes to correction. He's not rebellious. Maybe a little bit of a rascal, but he takes correction very, very seriously. If I ever get so upset that I raise my voice to him, he crumples instantly and we need to talk through it thoroughly before bouncing back.

I'm recording this here now in case I have a different/clearer perspective of it later on in life. 

Hill Cart

Now that James is comfortable using power tools, he can build pretty much anything he can think of. Last Fall/Spring, it was an enormous garden box and a variety of weapons. 

James' garden box this morning totally loaded with potato plants, sunflowers, and a cedar tree. Yesterday, he also planted walking onions in there somewhere.

James' wall display of all the sharp and pointy things he created from whatever materials I would let him use.

This summer, it's a hill cart.

No steering.

No brakes.

Just you, a hill, and gravity.

He used a 55 gallon drum, four dolly wheels, an assortment of plywood, PVC, metal tubing, couch cushions, ratty towels, a pool noodle, and about a million screws. I think a few of those screws ended up in our van tires, but the mechanics didn't save them long enough for me to do the forensics.

This cart has been a lot of work. James had to figure things out from scratch at every step. He had in mind what he wanted to, assessed the materials on-hand, figured out which tools he needed to accomplish the task, and did it. Minimal input from any of us. I can't tell you how much thought and sweat labor went into each component. Seriously, folks, I'm crazy proud of this kid.

We took it to Colbert Park this week, to the tallest, longest hill for miles around. It's a man-made hill designed for sledding and it took more than one of us to get the cart to the top.

Safety first! Here's James at the top, about to take his first ride.

The first run was an incredible success. It was a smooth and terrifying ride. The cart veered strongly to the left, which, on a steep hill, would normally mean a rollover, but James had designed the cart with a wide wheel base for just such occasions (we had learned a few things from the St. Anthony sand dunes). He was thrilled! We all were. Matthew took a ride, too, screaming and laughing all the way. Then James decided to try the "bumpy" side of the hill. It's built a little like amphitheater seating with regular stair-step formations. He went really fast and ended up veering so far left that he turned onto the steepest, steepest, crazy steepest part of the hill, which only made him go faster and farther. Scary AND hilarious.

I said to James, "This would make a great picture way up here with the land, sky, and clouds! I want you in it." *click* Um...thanks. 

Both boys were exhausted after two runs each (it's a really steep hill, and the cart isn't light). We loaded up the cart and drove home theorizing how to address the veering problem. James got a few ideas. He spent hours in the garage the next day tweaking things. Every test run down the driveway proved that he hadn't solved the problem yet. He got pretty frustrated. Grouchy. Angry. Then he'd get another idea and try again.

Just the other night, after several sweaty hours in the garage working with power tools, when he felt he had FINALLY got it all figured out, he asked me to watch the test run. Turns out, he still hadn't fixed the problem. It was just as bad as it ever was. Like he had done NOTHING. He was incredibly disappointed. As I pushed the cart back into the garage, he saw something he hadn't seen before. Suddenly, he knew what to do next! We chatted about it and decided this was the next thing to try. We didn't talk specifics, though, about how to accomplish that change. When he asked where the level was, I furrowed my brow. I wouldn't use a level. I would use a square (a large, L-shaped ruler). I pulled out the square and showed him the geometry and marked the cart with a Sharpie showing him how to align things just so. I stood up and looked at him with an excited smile and asked, "Does that make sense? See how to do it?" With the level still in his hands, and a look of mischief, he said, "Mom, let me do this my way." 

"But the level won't work because..."

He playfully whacked me with the level and said, "Let me do it my way." Then he shooed me out of the garage with the level saying, "And if it fails, I'll be sad for 20 minutes, and then I'll figure out another way to fix it!"

Ten minutes later, he stomped into the house with a sour expression on his face and wouldn't tell me why. He wasn't out there long enough to make the fix he was planning. I'm guessing something else went wrong in the process. Such is life on this planet!

This kid. Sheesh. Just the other day, as we drove past Art Mart, James said that all the kids in his class loved that store. It's kind of a weird, hoity-toity international grocery store and pricey art/clothing/toy store. I asked him why they liked it. He said with a shrug, "Because the other kids like it." I burst out laughing, "Holy moly, that is the essence of Junior High! I can't believe you saw that." Give this kid a gold star. 

Well, the cart is still a work in progress. I asked James if maybe he would be okay with it just the way it is. It's a great ride! He said no. It would bother him too much. In the meantime, he'll keep at it and we'll keep heading to the hardware store (our favorite outing together!). We took Nova to the hardware store with us last time. She wore her "therapy dog in training" vest. She did a great job!! 

I'll have to tell you later about her surgery, but I'll leave you with this photo of her and James. She's been on sedatives post-op to keep her from accidentally tearing out her stitches. The kids have looooooved this extra sleepy, extra tolerant version of Nova:

Summer Begins!

 

Summer is in full swing here at the Evans' house. Alex is working 40 hours a week as a summer camp counselor, Robert is loving all the unscheduled time and gaming with friends, James has created and experimented with all sorts of dangerous things, and Matthew is gaining confidence in the pool. 

We've had several firsts, too: Bobby and James went to Boston on a school trip, I attended a peer's funeral, Nova underwent surgery for an intestinal blockage and separately experienced emergency treatment for a chocolate overdose within 10 days of each other, our family went on vacation without Alex, and Robert got behind the wheel on an actual road.

It's a lot to try and cover all at once in one enormous blog post. I think I'll start with our family vacation to Utah/Idaho.

It was a long, long, long trip to get to Utah. First, we drove to Indianapolis and arrived about 10pm. Matthew was starving, so Robert and I went to the only place open, The Waffle House, to get some chocolate chip waffles for him. The place was sketchy. The cook was vaping. They accidentally made us two orders of waffles and gave us the second set free. While Bobby tried to get some sleep, the boys tried to quietly eat their waffles, get PJs on, brush teeth, and go to sleep themselves.  

Then, we "slept." Those of us on the queen beds were not accustomed to sleeping with another person so close. Matthew struggled to fall asleep, then woke up with a nightmare. I slept for a while on the floor next to his bed, which was more comfortable than sharing a queen. I am always, always worried that my noises and movement are going to disturb the other person's sleep. Many of us snore. So, whenever I woke up to roll over or adjust my blanket, it was hard to fall asleep again. Even with ear plugs. Ugh. It didn't help that we would have to get up a 5am to get to the airport on time. I swore then and there that our family would not share a hotel room ever again. 

We survived the night, caught our flights (juuuuuuust barely, in the boys' case), and arrived in Salt Lake City safe and sound and totally tired. And hungry again.

Bobby and the boys flew together. I had to take a different plane.

So, so tired.

Matthew at Heidi's house.

The kindle was Matthew's best buddy throughout the trip. It kept his anxiety in check enough for him to engage with new people, eat regularly, and stay pretty resilient with all of the coming and going and utter lack of routine.

Heidi took us to a vegan bakery. Taaaaasty! Robert opted to go bouldering with his cousin A instead.

 

The next day, we spent time in Provo with friends and family. Here is Matthew waiting for us to start our hike to the Y. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Digging for treasure rocks.

At the top with M and A.

I loved, loved, loved catching up with the J family. M was an influential friend and teacher in the years our family grew to include Robert and James. Bobby and the boys made a noble effort to keep up on the hike, but the trail was steep and the elevation was getting to them. Matthew's anxiety was swelling, too, so Bobby took the boys back down to the car while the rest of us went to the top.

The boys in the car. Robert had opted to stay in Salt Lake City and enjoy the quiet space of our VRBO on his own.

The rest of the afternoon, I visited with my parents in their new place at Cove Point. They gave me a tour of the whole facility, I got to meet a few of their new friends, and I definitely enjoyed their new reclining couch. We went to lunch at a weird place. I'm kinda glad it was completely empty, though, because that made it easier to talk. The boys headed back to SLC and Heidi took me home at the end of the afternoon. That evening, I had a dinner date with a couple more friends and teachers who had seen me through Matthew's arrival in our family and so much more. 

 

E and M and the Red Iguana II!

E was the first person to hire Alex as a nanny/babysitter. He learned a lot from that experience! I worked with both of them in the Relief Society Presidency where they taught me about leadership, friendship, Christlike service, and so much more. I can be myself with these ladies, and that feels good.

 

The next day, we attended church with the Bennetts and had a big family dinner at our VRBO. I loved spending time with my parents and siblings and their families. I used to dread loosely-structured family gatherings like this, but not anymore. Not since the family cruise, I think. On the cruise, I got to spend time with them as adults outside of my role as a mother. That's a very different type of relationship. And many of my nieces and nephews are adults now, too, which is fun! It makes me wonder what my children will be like as adults.

 

My niece A told us about the Harry Potter Exhibition where she works. Matthew is a big Harry Potter fan and we had to take him!

 

Matthew was an absolute nut about all of it. He just couldn't believe these were actual movie costumes and props. We did it all. He pinged from one amazing thing to another, totally smitten.

Harry's cupboard under the stairs!

Newt Scamander's case

Hagrid's cabin, complete with an enormous chair.

Herbology class where he got to repot a mandrake that knocked him out cold.

 

 

James Sirius Potter's trolley!!

Bobby took Robert and James to mini golf while we were at the exhibit.

After the exhibit, we had lunch at The Garage Grill in Draper where we ate under a literal race car. We were also our server's first customers on her first day. 

 

I kinda wish I got the car in the picture, too. Pbbsh.

 

After lunch, we drove to Idaho Falls to spend time with Bobby's family. Touring Grandpa's garage was awesome. There were all sorts of exciting things and stories to be had. Then we got to make s'mores in the backyard!

Rhubarb leaf hat from Gma and Gpa's garden.

 

We spent the night in a hotel, but got two rooms this time. The Roberts shared one and I shared with the younger boys. No one shared a bed. This trip was a pivotal point in James' development. He finally decided that he wasn't a little kid anymore. He was ready to get the same treatment we routinely gave Alex and Robert regarding privacy and personal space. It was something of a paradigm shift for me, and I confess I'm still grappling with it, but I agree with him that it's time. When Alex moves out this August, James will finally get his own room. It will come with a new set of privileges and responsibilities.

Tuesday morning, we set out for Rexburg and the St. Anthony Sand Dunes. We visited with Bobby's sister before renting a couple of dune buggies and scaring the crap out of ourselves on the dunes. Seriously, folks, that sort of driving takes practice. Matthew only kept it together in the dune buggy because the alternative was far more terrifying: hanging out with Gma and Gpa at the lake. Robert was frustrated at my overconfidence which crossed the line into ignorant recklessness more than once. Maybe 12 times? All in all, I would totally do it again.

The 3 Roberts at the Hales' house.

 

Gma and Gpa Evans came with us to Yellowstone National Park. We saw what we wanted to see despite the rain and cold :)

Waiting for Old Faithful

Waiting for Old Faithful

They updated those horrifying warning posters. Now they're in color with a whole family looking on!

Matthew was always cold.

After a couple of days at Yellowstone, we booked it to the airport and got home late, late Friday evening. The kids handled the airports well. The flights themselves were fine, too. The biggest thing I had to learn was to let go of control. I can force my kids to attend something, but that's not always worth it. I'm learning to make my own plans and let the kids decide for themselves. It stinks. I want so much more control than that. Ugh.