Brother Butts

I just love it when my boys share interests. Even the smallest, most trivial peek behind the couch bed makes me want to pull out the camera and post it on my blog. It doesn't happen that often, you see, since most of Robert's interactions with James still involve a lot of sneaky, passive-aggressive pushing/pinching/headbutting to scare James away from his play. James isn't always the victim, though, since he's on a pinching/biting streak of his own these days. They'll get this brotherhood thing figured out one way or another.

Bobby's Sunday Summary

This week was rather busy.  I was in Washington DC for the last half of the week.  I was there to speak at a conference.  The last day of the conference they wanted to give me a thank you gift, but it was a wine opening set.  They learned that I don't drink the first day so I just kind of left it with them, and it all worked out.  The plane ride home was less then ideal.  The conference center I was at was right next to Dulles airport so I just took the shuttle, and didn't bother with a rental car or anything.  Sadly my flight out of Dulles was canceled because of weather issues, so they booked my on another flight out of Reagan.  A $70 cab ride latter I was at the airport and ready to take off, except the new plane they had put me on was not ready to take off.  The plane was three hours late and another flight to Chicago took off before ours even showed up.  Turns out there was a faulty sensor on the plane and it took them three tries to fix it.  I was positive that I was going to miss my other flight but it turns out that my flight to Champaign was delayed 2 hours and left 15 mins before the next flight to Champaign.  I just made the flight but my bad did not.  It was put on the flight 15 mins later.  So I landed and then had to wait another 15 mins for my bags to show up.  It was a very long day to finally get home.

The next day we woke up and a leisurely breakfast, and then went outside to finally rake the leaves. It was a big job, but it turned out to be a really good experience.  Both Alice and Buddy helped to fill bags.  Alice filled just over 4 bags all by herself.  Buddy almost filled an entire bag.  it was really great. Alice was actually really helpful, and didn't need any help, except to smash the leave down and carry them over to the pile.  it was awesome.

The power of a neutral tone

From my last post about introversion, you know I've been working hard lately on my relationship with Buddy. I'm just now starting to get a handle on it, almost seeing patterns and techniques that bring out the best of the shining, happy, meticulous, and helpful boy that he seems to be. And I'll tell you what, *sigh* it takes a lot of focus.

I feel like I'm learning an entirely new language and culture. I'm setting the same boundaries as I was before, but it's a totally different technique from what comes naturally to me. I wish I could describe it better. I'm REALLY excited that I've happened upon something that seems to work better for us. The biggest difference is my tone of voice. It's really, really important that I approach him with positive or neutral emotion. Negative emotions like anger, frustration, and disappointment are effective in the short term, but tend to make him insecure...he soon lashes out physically and emotionally on his siblings, resulting in more negative emotion from me. It's not even that MUCH negative emotion. I'm not a yeller, after all, but I can get pretty stern.

[Sidenote: I found Buddy in the bathroom one day practicing his "mad faces" in the mirror. They weren't your typical "bad guy" faces with exaggerated eyebrows and snarling. No, these were REAL mad faces. Subtle. Silent. He showed me his Daddy mad face and started counting to three. It was pretty darn good. I told him that Daddy sometimes clenched his teeth, too, and we worked on that bit together.]

The last couple days, Robert has done a few infuriating things. I've kept my cool, remaining emotionally neutral and casual as I asked him about each situation:

• Tearing the corners off of a couple pages in a library book---with his teeth!---and chewing up the paper into a slimy wad.
• Sneaking James into the bathroom with him after I explicitly told him James was not allowed in there.
• Using the red handle of the broom to draw lines down the corner of our front room wall.
• Punching James in the face for smearing a slobbery toothbrush on his arm.

Seriously, I don't know where all that patience came from. Anyway, I probed each situation with a few neutral-voiced questions, determined that he already understood the actions to be wrong, rewarded him for his honesty, and meted out the appropriate consequences as I deemed fit (I love, love, love Love and Logic). He didn't enjoy the consequences, but at the end of the day, I still had energy and he still felt secure in my relationship with him. He also managed to accept the corrections and modify his future behavior. That's a win-win.

Another tip when working with Robert: When asked directly about his guilt in a situation, he will lie almost every time. Instead of "Did you do this?", I ask in a curious and interested tone, "Huh, what happened here? I wonder how that could happen." His typical guilty response is a shrug of his shoulders and, "Mmm-mmm. It could happen like..." and I usually get part of the real story. A few questions later and I get the whole story. I can tell he doesn't really want to lie, but it's hard to tell the truth when he knows it was wrong to do.

Alice wasn't the kind of kid to create these sorts of infuriating situations. She also took snippets of direction very seriously, acting with self-control, and often asking permission if I didn't make a boundary explicitly clear. She's still like that.

[Sidenote: I think school has made the permission-asking thing even worse. She asks if it's okay to do everything. Anything. Sometimes I have to give her permission three times before she acts.]

I think Alice and Robert are similar in how sensitive they are to redirection/correction. Alice crumples into a pile of tears and obeys, no matter how you deliver it. Robert sucks the pain in deep for a while and then pushes it out other ways, eventually obeying with great reluctance. I guess what I'm saying in this post is that slight changes in how I deliver redirection/correction to Robert can prevent him from sucking in the pain. He accepts the corrections and remains positive about his ability to make better choices in the future. He seems to be obeying with joy. Maybe it's a phase. Maybe it has nothing to do with my technique. I've seen that happen too many times with my kids, so I'm not calling it a real pattern yet, but at least my perspective change hasn't hurt the situation :) Maybe.

Introversion

I'm introverted. Surprise! Ha ha ha, okay, that's no big surprise. Well, it turns out that Buddy is quite the introvert, too, so lately I've been reading about it and watching TED talks about it and collecting informative and hilarious comics about it. I want to understand my child's experience better and relate to him on that spectrum. Being an introvert myself (and a seriously introspective one at that), I know it will be harder to get to know Robert as he grows because introverts don't always share their feelings readily, even with their moms who just want to understand them, gosh darn it.

In my research, I've come across statistics placing introverts anywhere from 25 to 50% of the population. Where are all those extroverts? If you're an extrovert, please leave a comment to this post. I feel like I'm completely immersed in introverts. Maybe I just pick introverted friends...extrovert relationships take a lot of energy, y'know?

Some research indicates introversion is genetic...introverted brains are hardwired differently. Introverts process information in DIFFERENT parts of the brain than extroverts do and therefore introverts and extroverts use certain cellular pathways in different amounts. This whole thing can be tracked biologically, not just environmentally! Absolutely fascinating.

So what does this mean for my relationship with Robert? Well, it means a lot of things. It means some forms of discipline are humiliating (e.g. scolding in front of peers) and some basic routines are paralyzing (e.g. ad lib public speaking, attending a busy/noisy preschool, time pressure to complete a task or make a decision) to him when they would only make an extrovert uncomfortable. It also means that he flows through life at a different pace, getting completely engrossed in a single task or idea for a period of time before moving on to another. He wants to know how and why things work. He can't stand to be interrupted in speech or play. He can only take so much of Alice's attention/play before he starts to drive her away with mean words and actions. Hmmmm, I should talk to Alice about this pattern so she can learn to give him space before he hits the "breaking point."

Robert lives in stark contrast to Alice, who would shrivel up and die if she didn't have new people to interact with constantly. Alice is on stage all day, and she loves it. She neeeeeeeeds it. She's the one who can't stand to be alone, who listens to music/books on CD at the same time she's reading in bed. Just for the noise and comfort of another voice. Robert likes to listen to music in the car. He doesn't sing along, doesn't want ANYONE to sing along. He listens hard and looks out the window and soaks it all in.

Anyway, he's a rich and interesting fellow to watch.

Where will James fall on the introvert/extrovert spectrum? Well, as of right now, one of his favorite games is to get perfect strangers to smile at him. He gets right into their personal space and flashes his big, pebble-toothed grin with scrunched up nose and squinty eyes. He just keeps shining it at them until they notice and do something. Then he runs back to safety. You tell me...innie or outie?

Growing Pains...again

Buddy has a pattern. Every few weeks, he wakes up in the middle of the night with pain in his legs. He screams, he cries, he writhes. He tells us it hurts too much for him to even stop and take medicine. We massage, we soothe, we coax, we massage some more, we rock, we snuggle, we massage some more, and finally he calms down enough to take the ibuprofen. Then he eventually kicks us out of his room so he can get back to sleeping.

It happens so regularly that I kinda felt last night's episode coming on. We were due.

Our pediatrician says they sound like growing pains. Last night's pains were definitely centered in his ankles. He was thoroughly hydrated all day, and there was no excessive jumping or physical strain on his limbs. Add that to the pain's regularity, and Robert's large size ("You mean he's only three?!"), and I'm convinced it's related to his growth. A few weeks ago, he could still wear size 3T. As of this morning, his 3T jeans are highwaters. Anyway, I haven't officially documented the events until now. I'll just keep updating this blog post with dates. Poor guy.

Leg pain/Cramping episodes as of November 2013
10 November 2013
12 December 2013
6 January 2014
18 February 2014
21 February 2014
16 March 2014
10 April 2014
25 November 2014
5 December 2014
28 December 2014
    February 2015
14 April 2015

Bobby's Sunday Summary

I don't really ave a ton to say, despite it being 2 weeks since I last wrote anything.  Yesterday was one crazy day.  Susan had some friends over to help wash/treat the walls for some mold we had show up.  We are fixing the drainage problem too,  so hopefully this is the last time we have to do this.  At the same time I went out and got some gutter guards for our house and installed most of them.  It was a long and crazy day.

I Love You

The boys and I were driving in the van this morning. Buddy said something so hilariously "Buddy" that I was struck again with how much I love that boy and this preschool age and my life with him. I just had to say, "I love you."

"Why? Where are you going?" (sounding worried)

"Huh?"

"Where are you going? Why did you say that?" (a little more worried)

"I'm not going anywhere. What makes you think I'm leaving?"

"You said, 'I love you.'" It's the WAY he parroted my "I love you" back to me that brought understanding. He sing-songed it with the "love" being the highest tone (kind of like the NBC television network chime, low-high-med).

"Oh really?"

"Yeah. That's something you just say when you're going away somewhere else." (calmer)

"Oh, well, hmmm. That's not what I meant to say. I was just feeling a lot of love for you right then and I wanted to let you know. What if I say, 'I love you, Buddy'?" (high-low-low-low-low)

"Yeah, that's okay. When you say 'Buddy' in it, you're not going away." (relaxed, back in Buddy coasting mode)

Then I thought about the last few times I had heard Buddy say "I love you"...they were all occasions when he was leaving a person somewhere. And he used the same tones every time. And here I was the whole time thinking he was such a balanced soul, in touch with his feelings, and at-ease with expressing his more vulnerable emotions. Pbbbbsh.