Alice and CMS

Alice started at her new middle school last week and she's a completely new person. So happy. So buoyant and free. So stinking excited to get and work on homework.

Sure, we're still in the honeymoon period, and coursework is still "reviewing" material they should have learned last year, and she hasn't had time to run into any friendship snags, but the radiant energy she's beamed ever since starting at CMS is a welcome sight in this house.

Every year, the whole school (42 girls enrolled in the whole school) goes on an overnight field trip to the 4-H camp at Allerton Park. Do you remember our outing to Allerton Park this summer? Dreamy.

Anyway, this field trip is aimed at building relationships and cultivating a cooperative, welcoming school culture. Parents are required to give 20 hours of service every semester, so there were plenty of parent chaperones the whole time. Including me. But I only stayed yesterday afternoon through the night hike.

It was an enormous experience to spend 8 hours with this engaging group of 12-14 year olds. Most of the time I just watched, soaking it all in, picking out Alice's laugh from the constant cacophony of singing, laughing, talking, shrieking, and pounding girls. I can't possibly describe everything I saw and felt and learned. I will share a few snippets that come to mind, though.

• I met other parents of 12-14 year old girls. I asked my questions. Got their input. Started building relationships.
• I started learning some of the girls' names. By the end of the night, I could almost pick out all 16 of the 7th graders from a lineup.
• I witnessed first-hand the kind of loving, supportive culture this school nurtures. First, it respects you as you are. These girls come from varied religious and racial and cultural backgrounds. They have different interests and needs. And not once did I hear or sense, "That's dumb" or "You're wierd/wrong" or "she's not like us". Second, everyone wants to see you succeed. When the school administrators told me this as we were looking into CMS as a possibility for Alice, I didn't really believe it. How could a pack of insecure middle-school girls want to support people out of their "in group"? But at the Lip Sync Extravaganza last night, I witnessed a 6th grader put herself out there and get up on stage alone, then halfway through the song she forgot her dance. She stood there for a moment, shrugging her shoulders. Then the teachers and students started clapping the beat and singing along. Not one person laughed. The girl started making up her own dance. When she ran out of ideas, an 8th grader hopped up on stage with her and the 6th grader followed her lead to the end of the song. As the 6th grader came down off the stage, she got boisterous applause and pats on the back and verbal support from girls of all grades for being brave and sticking with it and trying. I wanted to cry. I get goosebumps just thinking about it. I want my daughter to be that kind of supportive voice. I want my daughter to be that kind of gutsy and free and willing to take risks. One parent turned to me and said, "Can you imagine what this event might have looked like at a different middle school?" The contrast was striking.
• I felt relieved for Alice. A little sad for my own middle school experience. Grateful for so many parents invested in this school and their girls' futures. Impressed with what kids are capable of these days. Nostalgic for a time of close female relationships and few other responsibilities. Hopeful. I thought about my boys. A lot. I thought maybe we could host a family reunion at this 4-H Camp. I loved exploring Allerton again, this time on a night hike. And this time hearing my daughter be her kooky, talkative, funny self with friends just as kooky, talkative, and funny. I ache for her. Like I ache for all my kids. But after witnessing this school in action last night, I'm a little less worried overall.

Final 40th Year Goals Report

My time is up! Well, technically I have one more day, but I will not make any further progress in what time is left, so I'm calling it. Finished!

Here is where I initially made my 40th Year Goals.

I've made progress reports since then at the halfway point, 2/3 the way, and about 2 weeks ago.

This has been an interesting year...Alice starting middle school, me getting diagnosed with anxiety/depression, Bobby starting a new job, me traveling to new places, building stronger relationships with family, starting to heal old wounds, and facing some of my own deep-seated fears. I've learned a heck of a lot. These goals did push me to do things I might not otherwise have done, and they gave me a better perspective from which to view my daily task list.

But I didn't complete all of them. You'll see.

Italicized text comes from my original blog post:


By the last day of my birth month next year, I will...

...spend 40 quality hours one-on-one with loved ones (spouse and children top the list, but there will be more) 

DONE! And here's how I spent it:

...serve others outside my usual circle of loved ones (40 hours)

DONE! See the final column in the chart above.



...train for and participate in at least one major endurance event (preferably a physical one, LOL)

DONE! Many thanks to Allison, my training partner, for getting my head in the right place and my butt in gear after the anxiety/depression fiasco at Christmas.


...master something new

NOT DONE! I failed to achieve this goal, mostly because it was too poorly defined. When is something truly mastered? I could choose something so small and insignificant that mastering it would be meaningless, or I could devote my life to something meaningful and never master it in a thousand years. Sure, sure, I know there's middle ground. I just didn't find anything middle ground that I could master and feel good about. So, while I certainly tried a number of new things this year, I didn't master a single one of them. And that's okay. I'll know better when it comes to making goals for my 50th year ;)



...do something that scares me

DONE! I volunteered for Girls Camp, but they didn't need me. Or want me? I couldn't tell. But that doesn't bother me. I'm kinda glad I didn't have to go through with it. And I am convinced Alice did better without me there.

I also decided that I would finally face (one of) the nagging fear(s) at the back of my mind that I had let my former boss and long-time mentor down by choosing the life I did. It was scary to think that maybe I was disappointed in myself, too. I eventually worked it out that I wasn't disappointed in myself. Which was a relief. And I decided then that I wanted to contact my former boss/mentor again after all these years. I thought I would let him know how happy I was with my choices and such, but that felt forced. Artificial. Childish. What I really felt, after all this self-reflection, was an intense gratitude for his influence in my life at such a critical stage. I wrote this email instead and sent it (names left out):

**********************************************************

Hi XX,

This note comes out of the blue, and I apologize for that. I'm not the best at keeping in touch :) I do, however, often reflect on my undergrad experience, especially my 6 years in the XX lab, and I wanted to let you know that it has made a significant impact on my life. I've come to realize a few things:

1) You spent no small amount of time and energy and money training me. 

2) The lab was my home away from home, and its people became like family.

3) My experience in the lab shaped my young adulthood. I am a better scientist, collaborator, and critical thinker than I ever would have been without your training. Heck, I also have the coolest email address in the world because of you! 

4) In your lab, I practiced life skills like patience, hard work, persistence, and learning from failure. My coursework didn't demand so much of that from me.

Thank you for these things. Truly. I am a different and better person for having "grown up" in your lab, and I'm happy about that. Thank you.

That was the purpose of this note. Now, if you're interested, I can tell you a little about my life since I left the lab in 2003. 

I attended the University of Illinois and earned an MS in Nutrition Science and the Registered Dietitian credential in 2006. After graduation, I continued to work in nutrition research and took on some duties administering the RD Internship Program at the U of I. My husband, Bobby, found a software programming job with Motorola in town and we decided to stay long-term.

I had a daughter in 2007 and soon discovered that I could be the parent I wanted to be or be the researcher I wanted to be. When I tried to juggle both, I failed miserably at both. I decided that being a parent was more important to me than research and I've been doing that full time ever since. 

We now have 4 kids: Alice (7th grade), Robert (4th), James (1st), and Matthew (PreK). Bobby is currently a Senior Software Engineer at Nvidia. In addition to parenting 4 kids, I've spent countless hours volunteering and teaching in all sorts of ways. I've also started competing in triathlons. I'm at a bit of a crossroads next year when my youngest goes to school full time. There are so many things I'd like to do. Where to start?!

Thank you, again, for taking a chance on me way back when I was in high school. I'm so glad you did.

Susan

***********************************************************

I also attached a few pictures of me and my family. I felt satisfied knowing that I had faced my fear and come to terms with it: I wasn't afraid anymore because I didn't need his approval that way anymore. I was simply grateful for the experience. Does that make sense? Whether he wrote back or not, it didn't matter. Whether he was actually disappointed or not, it didn't matter. I didn't expect a response. I didn't need a response. I was at peace. Or so I thought.

Much to my surprise, I discovered a response from my former boss/mentor in my inbox this morning. It could be anything. Could say anything. Was I actually ready to read it? The initial satisfaction of "moving on" had passed and I was feeling a little insecure. I opened and dealt with every other email in my inbox before finally opening his. I was blown away by his thoughtful, kind, and thorough response (names removed):

***********************************************************

Hi Susan:

Thanks so much for writing. Really great to hear from you. And apologies for the late response. I just returned from a trip to Ohio. My daughter XX is just starting college and XX and I flew out to see her off and get her settled.

Impact works both ways and you have had a lasting impact on me and the lab in many ways, not least of which were your notable research achievements.

But just as importantly, you made important contributions to the culture and ethos of the lab. Curiosity, energy and enthusiasm are infectious and lead to all sorts of surprises and discoveries.

When I was a kid, my Dad said that he felt his responsibility to me was that I would be prepared to meet the world after high school, and if my choice was to go to college, that I would be prepared to go to any college.

So, when I decided to go to college, he was pleased, but he didn’t view my choice as the logical outcome of his parenting and encouragement. Rather, he was happy that he was able to give me that choice, which was one of many choices that I could make, any of which would make him feel satisfied that he had prepared me for life.

In some ways, that’s the way I think about how I train people in the lab: I encourage everyone to aim high, to do important science, to imagine new paths forward. If that process results in a great publication and experience that helps you pursue a career in research, that’s great. If it gives you the training and confidence to be an informed citizen and to make your mark on your family or community, that’s just as great. 

Talented people like you often face anxiety because they are good at lots of things and they don’t know how to decide on the “best" path forward. You could have achieved much had you pursued an academic career. You had the right temperament, curiosity, and above all, the right kind of logical mind, to do important creative science. Or to raise a great family, or to prepare your children for the challenges of the next generation. You had choices, and you made the right choice for you at that time.

I guess I’m writing about this because I sometimes reflect back on the students in the lab and question why they went one way or the other and what my role was in that process. After over 20 years of this, I realize that one can’t predict the future very easily, but one can make an impact on the here and now.

After you started at Illinois, I received a call one day out of the blue from a researcher in your program. He introduced himself and said that he felt compelled to call me because one day a young woman (you) knocked on his door asking about research. He said that it was the best thing that ever happened to him and he wanted to thank me for the best trained student he had ever encountered. Made me feel good, I must say. Just another example of how you are making your mark and why your experience is important and lasting.

The lab has grown and contracted and grown again. It has its cycles. We are now moving more towards some clinical applications and I have a great interest in the pathophysiology of Alzheimer’s disease.

Many of the same people are in the lab and I’m secure and happy in our community of scientists: XX, XX and XX form a strong nucleus that I increasingly rely on.

Thank you for the pictures and update on your family - you sure must have your hands full with 4 kids, all of whom look lively, energetic and whip smart (Any of them want to engage in genetics research in a supportive fun lab in Utah? :)

I’ve attached a picture I’ve found from our trip to the Wind River Range and some recent pictures of family, dog, and XX & XX in NYC.

Best wishes,

XX

 

***********************************************************

Here's the picture he sent from that lab camping trip. I hardly recognize myself.

So now, I am no longer afraid. I won't have that recurring nightmare of returning to the lab feeling ashamed, embarrassed, or second-rate. My former boss and mentor has yet again given me a fresh and fuller perspective on my life. And potential. I can't control my children's choices, but I can prepare them to make the best choices for themselves.


...fix something that's been bothering me a long time

DONE! Therapy is a beautiful thing.


...go somewhere new (bucket list?)

DONE! Phoenix, AZ, with Allison. Palymra, NY, with family. Taos, NM, with sisters. Fantastic!

Now to start planning my 50th Year Goals ;)

Piano for James

James started piano lessons today. And while he wasn't exactly thrilled at the notion when I initially brought it up, I know I found the right teacher for his particular personality. Here's how I know:

She's a grandma with a wicked sense of humor and a twinkle in her eye.

We knock on her door, she opens it, and says with a smile, "No one's home!" Matthew looks surprised, confused, and even starts to turn away. James gets a big grin on his face.

When we step into her foyer, she tells us, "We take off our shoes here." And as the boys get to work, she adds with a twinkling eye, "And if you don't, I'll whip you." Matthew freezes. James smiles wider. She asks, "Do you think that's true?" James gets a twinkle of his own and says, "No." They all laugh.

She pulls out a few puzzles for Matthew to play with and gets to work with James at the piano. My kids know her from church. She leads music time for all the children. James is familiar with her unique sense of humor and innocently subversive ways, and he already wants to impress her. He's not a relationship addict like Alice. He's not a chatterbox like Robert. He is James: reserved, watchful, curious, eager to learn new things and work independently, lover of mischief and unexpected surprises. And Nancy McNabb is full of mischief and unexpected surprises.

At the end of the lesson, she tells James he can choose three small pieces of candy. This, ladies and gentlemen, seals the deal. As we walk back to our car, James asks if he gets to come back tomorrow and get another lesson. He's a little disappointed that he will have to wait a whole week.

Yes. This will do quite nicely for my sneaky ninja pirate magpie.

Two recent pictures I just love

James and Matthew walking in Busey Woods. They are friends. They have their issues, of course, but most of the time they have fun together wrestling, acting out imaginary scenarios, and making each other laugh.

Bobby and me on a recent date. We biked 6.5 miles along the Kickapoo Rail Trail and ate dinner in St. Joseph, then biked back just as it started getting dark. We talked and talked and talked. We wouldn't ever do these sorts of adventures before Erin moved to town and started having the kids sleep over once a month. Thank you, Erin!

Pictures from Ohio

Fantastic ice cream (and sorbet) shop in Indianapolis on our way home. We will return.

Our requisite photo of the kids on the stairwell at the Garners' house. I just can't leave her home without it :) This is all 10 kids. Even Daniel! In the next year or two, kids will start moving out of the house and it will never be the same again!

Alice

Matthew's eyes.

At the falls. Robert and James had a falling out over who was in who's way for the perfect view of the waterfall. Hence Robert's disgruntled cooperation and James feeling all sorts of cool and powerful.

Before the falls. All the kids but Daniel, who felt too mature to climb into a rock crevice for a picture.

Robert, like all my boys, love to play at the Garners' house because it is all fun all the time. Here he's in full SWAT gear for some sort of battle exercise going on in the basement. I don't ask questions until someone starts bleeding.

This isn't the 32-mile ride I did with Rachel, but it was an awful lot like this: flat, shady, and off the road. Bliss! Here, we're taking a bike-and-train adventure with the kids who were too young for Civil War Summer Camp.

Just got off the train here where it dropped us off at the top of the trail. James and Matthew are watching it pull away.

Another thing I love about visiting the Garners: it feels like family. Our kids call each other cousins and fight to sit by their favorites. Their ages overlap so well!

Something that scares me

I have a recurring dream. The details have changed a little over the last 15 years, but the basic premise is the same:

I'm back in the research lab that I worked in as an undergrad. I haven't been back in a while. New people are there, but the core folks are still around: my boss, his main technician, a couple hardcore grad students who have stayed on as post-docs after graduation. I'm there to say hi and catch up with old friends, but I'm intensely insecure. I kind of flit in and out of the lab hoping no one will actually see me, especially my old boss. I don't really want to talk to him. Sometimes I wander through the building running into other people I recognize who don't remember me.

In the most recent variation of this dream, I had just been hired as a technician in the lab, but I couldn't remember even the most rudimentary of tasks. Equipment fell apart in my hands. I didn't know how to talk to anyone. I knew my boss would be disappointed. Very, very disappointed.

And I think that's why I keep having this dream.

I think my old boss and the people I worked with for 6 years would be a little disappointed in the choices I made for my life.

Why should I care about people I haven't seen for so long? People so unconnected from my life? These weren't just co-workers. These were the stable "family" I had through my undergrad years. My work in the lab earned scholarships and fellowships that paid for my education. My boss invested a lot of time teaching me research skills. They took me to conferences and treated me like an adult. Those grad students were my big brothers and sisters when I was just starting to figure out who I was and what I wanted with my life.

When I told my boss that I didn't want a life in academic research after 6 years of working for him, he was pretty disappointed. Completely baffled, actually. He pulled me aside several times as he tried to write a letter of recommendation for my grad school application. He didn't understand how an MS in Nutrition Science was more desirable to me than an MD or PhD or both, like he had. He said I was capable of so much more and he couldn't understand why I would cut my future short like that. He eventually wrote the letter of recommendation, and I got into grad school, but he was shaking his head the whole time. He thought he had "raised" a different kind of person.

And whether he cares about it al all or not, I still feel like I disappointed him.

When I woke up from the most recent variation of this dream, I felt that my former boss would see my life and choices as nothing special. I wondered for a moment if I felt that way, too, deep down inside. Or if I would feel that way in another 20 years.

I'm calling this the beginning of my mid-life crisis. It's an irritation at the back of my mind. The smallest hint of doubt...maybe I'm not actually happy...maybe I should have done more or differently...I'm feeling regret...regret for things I can't possibly change...that's new for me.

Then I had a dream where I realized I was turning 40 and all the things I had been waiting to start or waiting to do when X, Y or Z happened never actually happened. I stood there in myself realizing for the first time that the set of dreams I had held on to for so long were no longer attainable. I needed a new set of dreams. I felt sad and empowered at the same time.

I don't think dreams tell the future, but sometimes they explain things to me:

1) I need to deep down explore how I feel about the choices I've made and remind myself why I felt those were the best choices for me. I don't want to create or carry regret for things I cannot change.

2) I've only envisioned my life up to this moment...child, young single adult, newlywed, grad school, young kids...then *bing!* straight to retirement. I have had no plans or dreams for that middle time as a mother with teenagers or an empty nest. How could I miss something so obvious?! I'm staring at a gaping hole in my existence and that. terrifies. me. Time for some new dreams to work towards!

So I'd like to take the rest of this blog post to explore these two points.

First off, this seed of doubt about the choices I've made in the past...

At the end of high school, I chose to pursue a degree in biology. My plan, fully supported by my lab boss, was to get a BS, serve an LDS mission (preferably to Taiwan), earn my PhD by 30, get married (if possible), and have kids (if possible). As I became immersed in the academic research world, I learned a lot about it. And myself. And I didn't really want to do it any more. Bobby and I became more than friends. I chose marriage to Bobby that year over a mission. That was a tough decision. And while I wonder "what if..." sometimes, I have never regretted that choice. That was so good for me.

We chose grad school instead of having kids right away. That was also an easy decision. We were SO not ready to be parents! And I am grateful again and again that I/we made that choice. Grad school was our next move and it brought us to Illinois to build our life together. What a choice!

When grad school was over, we decided to try and have kids. I was finally ready.

Hold on, here. I'm noticing a pattern. It's not my life choices that bother me. I'm quite satisfied with how things played out. I'm not actually carrying any regret about those. Whew. Then where is this insecurity coming from?! I think the key is my former boss himself. He invested a lot in me. I feel an obligation to become something he can be proud of, whether or not he even cares anymore. That's the issue.

Second, what will my middle-aged years look like? What am I aspiring to? What will I learn and become? I like questions like these. A few of my answers:

I want to be a good mother.
I want to find balance between my needs and the needs of my children and the needs of my spouse.
I want to keep farming/gardening.
I want to keep learning new things.
I want to contribute.
I want to build lasting relationships.
I want to feel loved.
I don't want to be too busy to enjoy life as it is in the moment.
I want to conquer a few more of my fears.
I want to be in good physical health.
I want to be strong...every kind of strong I will need to be. Growing old is not for sissies.

Maybe that's enough for now? Maybe that will do for my "Do something that scares me" goal? :)

Goals Update!

16 days left to meet my 40th Year Goals. Where do I stand?

Spend 40 quality hours one-on-one with my immediate family member
Bobby: 40+ YAY!
Alice: 40+ YAY!
Robert: 40+ YAY!
James: 36 (Almost there...fishing, bike rides, reading together after bedtime...I'll make it)
Matthew: 37 (the other kids go to school next week, so this will be finished soon)

Serve others outside my usual circle of loved ones (40 hours)
40+ hours YAY!
I indexed records for family history research, volunteered at Sola Gratia, babysat kids I didn't know very well, and took some people to doctor's appointments.

Train for and participate in at least one major endurance event
Pioneer Sprint Triathlon, 4 May 2019
Swim 300m 5:59.24
Bike 13mi 48:54.91
Run 3.1mi 30:02.17
TOTAL 1:27:03.6

I also biked my longest distance ever (32 miles) with Rachel on 10 August 2019. YAY! While I didn't actually train for this, and it was only a grueling experience for my hiney, I'm counting it :)

Master something new
I have something in mind for this. Coming soon.

Do something that scares me
There's a little part of me that wonders, "40 years old and what to show for it? Would my past self be happy with what I became? Will my future self be happy with where I am now?" I can't change anything in the past. That scares me. So maybe I'll face these fears head on and try to make sense of it all. Coming soon. 

Fix something that's been bothering me a long time
DONE! Therapy is still a wonderful thing. I haven't gone back since my anxiety stabilized, but I am comfortable with the idea of therapy and will go back when I'm ready to work through another issue. And I have plenty :) I've had a couple minor panic/anxiety hiccups since February, but good sleep habits and regular meals seem to stave off the worst of it.

Go somewhere new
DONE! Phoenix, AZ, with Allison. Palymra, NY, with family. Taos, NM, with sisters. Fantastic!

40th Birthday

I've gotta say, this birthday was one of my favorites so far. Usually I struggle to enjoy my birthdays and other holidays because I expect it to be special and different and magical somehow (like real life will just stop happening for 24 hours??). I have been so disappointed so many times. Sigh. So, this year, I tried to make it a special day in very ordinary ways and my friends and family were the ones who made it magical ;)

It started with the kids letting me sleep in until 7am. They didn't remember it was my birthday, or else they would have been all over me much, much sooner. When I told Robert it was my bday, he got sad. James, too. They were both sad that they didn't have presents for me. I told them all I wanted was time with them. James furrowed his brow and said, "I know what to do." Matthew immediately started crawling all over me and in my face like a puppy dog. That's soooooo 4-years old: give the gift that makes you happiest. Thanks, dude, I love you, too.

We had a slow morning with cocoa and toast for breakfast. I released myself from all my chore obligations, which meant I only did the chores I really, actually wanted to do. That's a good feeling.

I arranged for my boys to play at the Davis' house and Alice to hangout at another friend's house. They. Were. Thrilled. I dropped them off and headed home for a walk with my close friend. Well, I thought it was going to be a walk, but she decided to surprise me with a tour of a community garden I hadn't seen yet. What a treat! The garden had cold frames, a grape arbor, raised beds, and rows upon rows of growing vegetables that I got giddy exploring...squash, beans, tomatoes, peppers, watermelons, okra, lettuce, and some flowers. After the garden walk, we went to my friend's house for lunch where she had prepared a giant pile of cooked veggies (even mushrooms!) and I ate some of the best corn on the cob of my life. I tried not to moan too loudly. That kinda weirds people out, y'know? Her kids made me birthday cards :) and she gave me a little succulent with very clear instructions for its care. I need very specific instructions for indoor plant care. Luckily we haven't killed James' cactus...yet...

After lunch, I had an hour left before it was time to pick up the kids. I visited another friend who had some things we would need for our family movie, then made a quick stop at Aldi for tuna. I haven't found another tuna I like any better than Aldi's albacore one.

The kids had had a GREAT time at their friends' house. They were happy. We collected almost 200 library books from around our house and took them back. Alice and Robert had piano lessons. I made Musmun Curry for dinner and took half of it to another friend's house to thank her for caring for our chickens and garden while we were in Ohio. I don't think I could have asked anyone else to spray my brassicas with Bt. Bobby had stayed up late the night before preparing my birthday dessert: dairy-free banana pudding. It was perfect, by the way. Absolutely perfect.

Erin came over for dinner and the whole house got in a better mood at once :) We were already feeling good, but Erin has her own kind of magic. We ate, opened presents, and watched some old videos Erin had taken of the kids while Bobby and I were in Hawaii, then soon after Matthew was born. We laughed so hard. When we were living life back then, we didn't know which of the kids' behaviors would stick and which would turn out to be a phase- or age-specific quirk. Well, some behaviors clearly stuck. Hard. What didn't stick was the speech impediments. Robert has no moral ground to correct ANYTHING Matthew or James says any longer.

Erin gave me a bottle of Mexican vanilla (mmmmmm!) and a mandolin slicer. Both things I had mentioned recently wanting to procure. I was touched by the thoughtfulness, practicality, and personal nature of the gifts people gave me this year.

Even the kids. At bedtime, Robert handed me two coupons for a 5-minute shoulder massage each. He knows what I like! I always redeem those babies. We put the kids to bed and watched The Incredible Hulk. I'm rewatching the Marvel movies in order of their release date. Just for fun. And Bobby and Erin were happy to help me that night :)

Then this evening, 2 days later, James snuggles up to me and asks, "Did you ever figure out what my present to you was?" I thought and thought, "Nope."

"Well, I wasn't mean. And I didn't get any time outs."

"Really!? You did that for me?!"

"You always say you want us to be nice and not fight so I decided I would do that for your birthday."

(Big smile. Hug.)

I'm lucky to have these guys. Each one...Bobby, the kids, my friends, my family, and all the other people in my life who love me and whom I love. Thanks to every person who reached out to me and wished me well. I'm feeling super loved and watched over. What a gift!

Arboretum Insight

I was walking at the U of I Arboretum with a friend this morning, remembering the last time I was there. That was when James took off on his bike in a fit of anger and went all the way home alone. Because I wouldn't go home the way he wanted to go. The way he insisted he knew by heart and desperately wanted to lead on. He biked home the way I told him to, but he wasn't going to stay with me.

This is one of those experiences that I keep in my RAM. It feels like there is more to it than a simple fit, but I just can't see the whole picture yet.

Next to this experience, I have several others where James is shy and backwards with new people or places. He resisted gymnastics camp this week because "The teachers always tell you what to do and you HAVE to do it." He wants to do his own thing at his own pace.

How can both of these situations be the same person?! How can James be so stinking confident and capable and independent that he'll tear off on his own, but so insecure and unsure and timid that he won't speak a word in Primary for 6 months?

As I walked with my friend, remembering that day at the Arboretum, it occurred to me that both of those reactions could stem from the same personality trait. A personality trait I actually share with him.

James longs to be independent. To explore. To prove himself. That's easy on his own. When you add other people into the equation like classmates and teachers and loosely-structured social situations with unclear social boundaries, it all falls apart. It takes time to observe the rules and feel comfortable in those relationships. Only when we feel comfortable enough in the situation that nothing much will surprise us anymore, that's when we feel safe to be independent, explore, and prove ourselves.

That takes so. much. time.

But I get it. And I see why James can seem so very different from moment to moment. I ache a little bit, thinking he might struggle with the same demons I've battled my whole life *ARGH* but at the same time, it's something we share...and can work on together.

Taos, NM

I just returned from a neat trip with some of my siblings. Lara and Heidi came up with the idea to invite sibs out to Taos, NM, where Lara had recently vacationed and had a great time. I'm so glad I could make it even if not everyone else could! I got to spend 4 days with 3 awesome ladies.

The bed and breakfast Lara selected was the perfect location and backdrop for our trip:

Cabinets in the kitchen.

We were in the "La Madonna Suite", and the decor did not let you forget that for a moment.

Not even as you showered.

I ate more chilis and chili sauces in those few days than I have in the last year. New Mexicans really like their chilis. So much good food!

We hiked, we toured, we shopped, and we even spent time at the hot springs spa...a totally new experience for me, but not unpleasant, especially considering the company I kept.

I must confess, I was a little worried if we would have enough to talk about for 4 days. That was NOT a problem, it turns out ;) So glad I have these sisters, and friends, in my life.

These are only the pictures I took. Everyone else took a bunch of others. I may post those as I get copies. Thanks, Lara and Heidi, for putting this together!

Family Game and Love

Erin was hanging out with us this weekend and we decided to play a game. Choosing a game to play is usually difficult because we don't have many games that engage all the ages of those in this household who want to play...until now.

Erin had the awesome idea of playing Taboo without the restriction of taboo words. We didn't divide into teams. It was just one person giving the descriptions and everyone else guessing for one minute, then passing the cards to the next person. It moved pretty fast. The BEST part was that both James and Matthew could play. Not only guessing, but giving clues, too! That was the biggest surprise of the evening. Bobby whispered a word into Matthew's ear and Matthew would come up with his own descriptions to get us to guess. I was amazed! His clues were spot on...as long as he heard the word correctly. And he was having so much fun being part of the game. I loved it! James, too, got playing. He's usually pretty timid around games and situations he's not super familiar with. More than a little insecure about doing things the "wrong" way. He watched us play a few rounds and decided he wanted a turn to give the clues, too. He ended up reading all the "taboo" words as clues and that. was. bizarre. The couple times he came up with his own clues, it was way easier.

Anyway, I'm completely thrilled we can play this game together as a family!!

Bobby tried pictionary tonight with everyone. I thought James and Matthew would struggle with the fine motor drawing and time stress. Matthew's drawings weren't always clear, but he was eager to try, and every once in a while he said, "Hey! That actually looks like the thing I was trying to draw!" He also guessed right when the rest of us were totally exasperated by Alice or Robert's drawings. Who knew Matthew could identify lipstick? Or see a hand puppet when all I saw was an alien on fire.

When it was James' turn, he would not be rushed. He carefully, deliberately drew exactly what he wanted to express. And once, even though we had already guessed the word correctly, he had to finish the drawing before we could move on.

I love having games we all can play and have fun with. What a relief.

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A story from tonight:

I'm lying on the couch with James snuggled up behind me, Robert in my knee nest, and Matthew in my chest/belly nest. James leans all the way over me and puts his face right in front of mine with a big grin, "Mom, do you know what I love best of all?"

"What?" (thinking it's me, 'cuz, well, it usually is)

"Panpipes. Panpipes and moola."

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A story from yesterday:

Matthew is squirming on my lap during church. A woman gets up to speak who is the Primary chorister (the Primary chorister is the person who leads singing time for the kids in the second hour of church). This particular woman does an excellent job teaching doctrine AND keeping it fun. She has a sense of humor that works well with the kids and the adults in the room. Anyway, Matthew just won't sit still, but when this woman gets up to speak he whispers to me, "Oh! I love HER the BEST. She is my BEST friend."

I let her know that.