The Kids (and dog)

It's hard to know anymore what I can share on the blog about my older kids' lives. Once they hit middle school, there are events and feelings that affect my life but aren't mine to share. I'll try to walk that line carefully. 

Alex--

Doing really well at college. He's got a solid group of friends, a job, and a variety of classes that he enjoys. We chat on the phone on Sundays and text through the week here and there. He's navigating independent living and adult life. He's coming up to C-U for James' birthday weekend :) James will be turning 13, so they have plans for a PG-13 movie marathon. Thank you to Erin for being willing to host them! That wouldn't go over so well at our house.

Robert--

Working through the high school grind. He's got a solid group of friends, a killer workout routine, and a variety of classes that he tolerates well enough ;) He made a decision this summer to be out of his room more and be more social in general. It was tricky at first, but now that Matthew is generally on a tablet most of the day, the house is quiet and serene. The whole household feels lighter. There's time and opportunity and energy for real conversations. We talk about lots of things theoretical and hypothetical. He tells me about some of his classwork and some of the things that really frustrate him. I'm learning his life rhythm and cadence a little better. He's a genuinely funny and thoughtful guy. I didn't know that last year.

James--

This kid is taking school a little more seriously this year. He has a goal to have zero missing assignments. He's even started using the study hall he has at school to do homework...imagine that! James has a grade goal in mind for math, too. He still hates learning French. Almost as much as he hated learning piano. Speaking of music, James' 7th grade class is putting on a musical, Matilda, Jr., in December. Not only did James audition, but auditioned for a lead. He was assigned the exact role he wanted: The Trunchbull. If you're not familiar with the Roald Dahl story, Matilda is a bright girl that is sent to a horrible school headed by The Trunchbull. The Trunchbull is a very masculine, militant, yelling sort of person with horrible torture chambers and a vindictive rage towards children. Of course James wanted the role! He already knows all the music.

Matthew--

I just wrote about Matthew in the previous post. I wonder what he would write about himself. He would likely tell you about Zelda: Breath of the Wild, or Grounded, or any other video game that piques his interest at the moment. He wants to do gymnastics and work out so he can dress up as Spider Man and look the part. He loves having his own room (Thank you, Alex). 

Nova--

Cute dog. Still calm and patient. Excited to go places and sniff new people, but prefers if they let her approach at her own pace. She discovered squirrels at the dog park and now hovers obsessively at the foot of those trees hoping one will fall out or something. I'm not quite sure what she would do if she ever caught up to a live one. She's not terribly interested in the dead ones we've found. She does hunt crickets and grasshoppers, though, as James learned the other day. He was trying to catch a large grasshopper to save for Alex's bug collection. He finally got a hold of it, but it slipped off the bench and Nova pounced on it immediately. Chomp, crunch, slurp, smack, smack, smack. Then she looked up at James as if to ask, "Got any more?" Well, James was a little upset at first, but then he just stirred up the grass to get more crickets to jump onto the patio where Nova could eat them. She's no good at hunting them in grass. 

Nova comes to the nursing home with me every week to visit a friend. She comes to the boys' therapy appointments and sits with me in the pet-friendly lobby. I take her wherever I feel like I can get away with it. I keep taking her out with me so she gets used to meeting new people. I'd really like for her to be comfortable as a therapy dog. She's well-behaved and curious, quiet and soft. She only stinks when I haven't bathed her in a while :)

Mathew's First Weeks of School

It's only been a month since my last post, but holy moly, it feels like three. Whew.

School life is a huuuuge adjustment for me. 

After an especially difficult weekend with Matthew's anxiety, I've been feeling some of my own physical anxiety symptoms (nausea, fatigue, irritability, irrational thoughts, mental buzzing/whirring in my head, difficulty concentrating). It occurred to me just this morning that if Matthew experiences his anxiety disorder the way I do, he's probably feeling all of those things, too. It gave me a new insight into his behavior. I understand his lack of appetite and inability to do regular life. I understand how easy it is to navigate a problem on a good day and then feel utterly overwhelmed by that same problem on a bad day. I even understand the relief that a stupid video game can bring. In my worst times, I could only lay on the couch and sleep. In the slightly better times, I could lay on the couch and play dumb games on my tablet between exhausted naps. In the slightly better times than that, I could do family history on the computer.

This explains a lot of what seems so unpredictable and intractable with him. 

We had a small miracle this week when Matthew's teacher offered to tutor him once a week after school. I cried. She has no idea how difficult it is for us to get him through homework. She has no idea how difficult it would be for Matthew to be tutored by anyone but her. This was an answer to prayer.

The truth is, when Matthew's having a good moment and he's motivated, he can complete his math homework in a few minutes without a single mistake. In a bad moment, absolutely nothing works. Nothing makes sense. He can't even sit up. He's crying and apologizing that he can't make himself do it. He has to use his fingers to add 1 and 1. He can't multiply 6 times 0. Literally. That happened just this weekend. So, it's not the tutoring he needs, per se, but the right set of circumstances in which to do the work. 

Aaaaand he clearly needs more help managing his anxiety. Gonna call his doctor about that. Again. 

I've found a few other tricks that help Matthew get through the day. He likes the silky feel of dri-fit/athletic/performance fabrics, so I got him several tops and shorts of each. It makes getting dressed for school a world easier. If only church clothes came in athletic fabrics...sigh.

He also does better with a hot breakfast, usually something high carb with chocolate chips: pancakes, waffles, muffins. He won't say no to french toast, a cinnamon roll, or a croissant. And on weekends, we've got to do Dutch Puff/German Pancakes.

Matthew loves his Dungeons and Dragons Club at school. Loves it! He's been DMing his group's most recent adventure and loves how he can shape the story and manage troublemakers with humor. One teammate keeps trying to kill non-player characters like shopkeepers and random citizens on the street. Matthew (and the dice) deal the consequences, and they are never in favor of the rogue teammate. At this moment, the teammate has melted down all of his copper money into bullets but can't find a single blacksmith that will make him a gun. Matthew smiles about this.

Matthew also really likes archery. They're doing an archery unit in PE right now. He misses one PE class a week to attend his dyslexia therapy :( but he plans to join the archery team again when they start up in January. 

Sometimes I wonder if Matthew will ever live independently or find a job that suits his needs. Will he go to college? Will he find someone to love and share his life with? 

I often question my parenting choices with him. Sometimes, a choice feels perfect. Sometimes, it feels like a cop out. Always, though, I end up looking at it from the outside and imagining what others might think about it. I come up with a defensive justification in my head. I imagine turning my shoulder and looking away. I feel alone. I think about all the things he's missing and all the things I'm missing as we work so hard on this particular set of challenges. I think about James, Robert, and Alex. I try to be the mom they need, too. And it gets to me. I tell myself that I'm doing the best with what I've got. I really am. I truly believe that. And yet, I'm still feeling all the hard things. It's still difficult and isolating. 

*sigh*

Then I get up and do it all again the next day. 

It makes sense why I would be developing physical symptoms of anxiety right now. I'm so grateful for the medication and social support that I have in place to keep it from getting much worse. I'm grateful for time. I'm grateful for it every day because that means things don't have to be fixed right now. It means that things don't stay the same, for good or ill. It means that I get to grow and get stronger and learn new things. Time is my friend. We go way back ;)