Up close and personal

Another 4 cubic yards of rich, steaming, earthy compost delivered to our house this week. This time its job is to bury a couple of stumps and prep the soil for raspberries and blackberries next spring. Oooo diddly.

Buddy dug in. He loved this chore as much as I did. The kid-sized shovel is the BEST $5 I've ever spent.

Gooooooood stuff.

Buddy invents a frisbee.

Alice would have jumped in, but she had cut the bottom of her foot earlier and opted to go for a bike ride instead.

James looking on. He tasted some compost, scooped it into a pan with a spoon, and gingerly tried walking on it once. Not to his liking, I suppose.

We spread the compost out and seeded it with white clover, which happens to be 1) an excellent ground cover for high traffic areas, 2) superior pasture for free-range chickens, and 3) commonly accepted as a turf weed. May my neighbor forgive me ;)

A face only a mother could love

Had a dream last night

I was lounging about at my mom's house when it suddenly dawned on me:

"I'm 34 years old and I'm still living with my parents?!  It feels like there's something wrong with that picture. I think I should probably get a job and move out on my own."

"What would I work in?"

Then I suddenly remember, "Oh! I have a Master's degree in nutrition! I could do something with that."

"But I got that degree some time ago. Why haven't I been working?"

"That's right, I have kids. Three of them. I'm working all day with them. But how can I do that? Where do I get money for food?"

"Oh yeah. I have a husband. Bobby. He works so I can be home."

"Yeah. That's it. But, wait. Where are they? Where are these people? Why aren't they here with me in Utah at my parents' house? Oh! They live in Illinois! That's where Bobby's work is.

"Dang! I wish his job were here."

"No, wait! I don't. I don't want to live in Utah. I want to move my parents out to Illinois. But that won't work, so, yeah. That's it, I guess."

And then I woke up, more than a little relieved. Each piece of Dream Susan's life answered the question at hand and raised the next question until there weren't any more questions. But Real Susan has another question, "What's next?"

I feel a little out of focus:

Photo credit: Robert

Did it again

Remember when I freaked out about all the cavities I could see in Robert's teeth and how that story actually ended?

Well, Alice started complaining about her molar hurting when she would eat. I, um, freaked out again. Internally, of course, because if Alice detects the slightest hint of unease in any particular authority figure, her spine stiffens and her limbs turn to jell-o and she's a volatile mess of anxiety. Gotta work on that.

Anyway, I looked at her tooth myself and poked around and saw something that looked like a cavity. For real, this time. I was pretty sure that this exact arrangement of sharp edges and scooping must be a hole starting. It was even a little black. Her checkup was 3 months ago, but I couldn't remember if they had taken x-rays, and I didn't know how fast cavities could start, and if she's hurting it must be serious, right? And blah, blah, blah later, I made an appointment with the dentist.

Alice was kind of excited to be taken out of school, but then she cried at the thought of the drilling and numbing shots and swallowing with your mouth open (How do I do that, Mom?!).

Ten seconds into the examination, Alice was her giggly self again. No cavity. No sign of anything awry. Absolutely nothing wrong with those strong teeth. The hygienist tapped and pressed and scraped and poked, then the dentist tapped and pressed and scraped and poked. Nothing.

Sometimes kids can bruise a tooth with some sort of trauma. Or maybe one of her 6-year molars is coming in and unsettling the baby one in front of it. Or something else? It's not a cavity. Again. Bobby said, "It's a good thing you're not a dentist." ;)

Bobby's Sunday Summary

Just a couple of videos that have happened this week.

Would I rather be alone?

Alice was in school, Buddy was in preschool, and it was just me and James at home waiting for the piano tuner to arrive. There was stuff I wanted to do, stuff I tried to avoid, and a mess of conflicting thoughts and emotions gumming up my gears. I had to sit down for a minute.

Some stuff I wanted to do couldn't be done because it was incompatible with an 11-month-old running around and needing love, attention, play, comfort, help, etc.

Other activities I wanted to do couldn't be done because I didn't have enough energy. Even though James is now mostly sleeping through the night (hooray!), I still wake up several times a night on my own or in response to some noise or shuffle or thump in the kids' rooms. And Robert suddenly thinks 5:30 AM is a great wake-up time.

I could do these other, other things, but...but...but...

One of these days, I'll have the time and energy for...

Once James is in school, then I'll finally get to...

Someday, when they're older...

I've been thinking these things a lot more lately. I'm tired of these thoughts. They are true and false at the same time. Yes, I wish I had periodic lengths of focused, uninterrupted time to work on my own projects. Yes, I wish I had the energy to do these projects when those lengths of time did occasionally come upon me. And yes, having three young kids makes it a lot harder to find that time and energy.

Would I rather be alone?

I sat in my messy kitchen, looked over the piles of apples yet to be processed, and watched James playing with canning lids on the floor. I thought to myself, "Would I rather be alone? Would I rather have this time right now to finally finish the things that have been bothering me all week?" And I forced myself to answer.

I wouldn't give up James.

I wouldn't give up any one of my kids.

And I really like their company. They crack me up. They challenge me. It's good. hard. work.  

I like the work I have. I like my coworkers. Why do I find myself wishing they were gone? Something's out of balance.

Then I looked at those piles of apples. Apples covering the counters, filling pots on the stove, and overflowing from buckets in the guest room. Cutting, cooking, saucing, and canning that mountain of fruit on my own, with a family to run, is an impossible task. No joke. Impossible. If I didn't admit that to myself soon, it would eat me alive.

So, in the short-run, my problem is applesauce. The weight of that monumental...impossible...task that I had assigned to myself was throwing everything out of whack. My real life was incompatible with my expectations for myself. That's frustrating. That's exhausting. That's a classic life imbalance for me. I've got a friend coming over this afternoon. Maybe we can do some together. After that, I'm moving the apples back into the guest room. All of them. And I'm shutting the door. We'll sauce the rest of them this weekend as a family.

The big picture, it seems, is accepting the truth that there are tasks I simply can't do on my own at this time in my life. Maybe I could have done it when Alice was a baby. Maybe not. Maybe I'll be able to do it next year, or in 3 years, or in 30 years. Just not this year. Not this week. Not today.

Bobby's Sunday Summary

Saturday was a busy day.  We went out to Rantoul and picked apples at the orchard next to the church building there.  They are not pretty, but they are plentiful.

We have only made a dent in them so far, but plan on saucing a lot more of them soon.  The kids also had a really good time.  Especially James.

 

Camera upload...a few picts for your enjoyment

I love, love, love that cheesy, scrunched-nose grin of his.

 

First week of school---2013

 

The first time Robert has written his name in a semi-legible manner (read it right to left with the "t" in the very middle). I was pushing him to practice writing his name, thinking that Alice CERTAINLY could spell and write her name by the time she started preschool. I was seriously wrong. Robert likes it, though, and he's getting better with practice.

 

Cool wagon wheel at the boiling hot Cheese Festival.

 

The kids earned some money by washing windows for me.

 

 

I thought James was finally old enough to "help" me with dishes. Nope. He just eats the bubbles.

Friends Make the Best Pies

Pie wasn't on the agenda yesterday, and yet somehow it took up my entire day. In the best company possible. I'm recording this now because I want to remember the times when I am completely surrounded by friends in the best, most spontaneous, and joyful ways. Yesterday, apple pie was the way.

My friend called me in the morning to tell me her apple trees were ready to pick. She had never allowed herself or her children to eat the apples from these trees before, so she was letting me have them for free. When I finally got her to taste one of her own apples, she was immediately won over by the sweet, crisp, fruity-tart flavor (I could drone on about the quality and disease resistance of this particular variety she happened to be growing...these were EXCELLENT apples...but I'll spare you). She borrowed a long hook and cutting tool from her neighbor and we spent the morning picking apples. Our children ran around the grass stuffing their faces with the fruit. Especially James.

After picking up Robert from preschool, we started lunch. Buddy looked over the 15 gallons of apples and proclaimed, "That's a lot of apples! Do you think it's enough for a pie?" My plan was to sauce them, but 15 gallons of raw apples doesn't make much sauce. It was hardly worth the mess it would make of my kitchen.

"Okay, let's make a pie after lunch."

Then another friend popped in for a visit. I don't often entertain surprise visitors, but I make exceptions for the very best of them ;) She and Robert worked the apple peeler/corer and I cleaned up the slices. James watched in awe from his seat. We just kept talking and slicing and talking and slicing. Before I knew it, we had enough prepped apple to make THREE apple pies. Whoops, guess we'll have to make three pies, then.

I'm fortunate that my friend does pastries. She whipped out three butter crusts in no time. Buddy and I assembled the pie filling. Just about that time, another friend came by (this was a planned stop) to drop off her son for a play date. She was feeling a bit out of sorts because a service she had planned to perform for a different mutual friend of ours had exploded in her face that morning. I offered her one of our three pies to take instead. This made everything better.

Pie. Makes. Everything. Better.

My two friends left for an appointment and the three boys and I got to work assembling and cooking these pies. Whew! My house smelled awesome. My kitchen got a serious cleaning. I got to help and be helped by oodles of friends. And then I got to eat pie.

I haven't had a better day in a long, long time.

Bye Bye Girls

Roo got over her broody urges yesterday and laid her first egg in a month. Today, she and Penny were whisked away to a lavish backyard elsewhere to be spoiled with treats and pet-like attention. Alice was in tears. I was a little relieved to have them go somewhere that wouldn't mean certain death.

I'm not a monster, y'know.

The remaining chickens, well, their fate is still certain death. Or maybe I can find a good home for them, too? Dunno.

I can feel the growing season winding down.

Cooler weather is on its way.

We had a good run this year. I'll probably review my 2013 farming triumphs and failures in another post. Every year is one step closer to figuring out what I want out of all of this.

The girls panting in the early September heat wave.

Sweet

This is why I let Alice use my camera. Every once in a while, I get something like this...awwwwww:

Bobby's Sunday Summary

I don't feel like I have a ton to write about.

Alice lost her first tooth this week.  It has been loose for quite a while, and she has been telling everyone about it. Several people, including myself, offered to help take it out, but she refused.  It finally just came out at school one day with relatively little fanfare.  I guess we are not doing the tooth fairy thing.  She still has the tooth and a $1 to boot. If you look close you can see tongue where tooth should be. And the one next to it is wiggling now too.


We went to the temple in St Louis for the first time in a while.  We have gone to other temples while on vacation and the like, but have not managed to get to St. Louis in a long time.  In an effort to find something new and interesting to do with the kids, and to help a friend get her hands on some gluten free goodies, we discovered these.

They taste like a fresh ripe mango with cream fresh.  Susan was skeptical before she tried one, and now wants us to bring a cooler down the next time we go to the temple. I must say I am not fighting the idea.

Bobby's Sunday Summary

Not too much new to talk about Robert has started preschool.  He likes it, but does not talk about it too much with me.  Alice likes school, but depending on the day she says she hates it, because it is too dull.  James is still growing and seems to be happy.  Not much else to report.