Something happened and now my photos aren't doing their automatic upload thingamajig. *sigh*
Can't wait to tell you about the 4-day weekend we just had with Casey, IL and Gma and Gpa Evans and Alice's Haunted House Party.
Can't wait to hash out my feelings about Alice and middle school. She's my first. I'm going to overthink EVERYTHING. But it's all part of the process, y'know?
One party after another this week, but I'm feeling up to it. Not one of them is a Halloween party, either.
Busy. Happy. Balanced. Learning. Working. Sharing.
Just want to show you pictures about it while I talk about it!
Monday, October 30, 2017
Thursday, October 26, 2017
Parent-Teacher Conferences
It was Parent-Teacher Conference day for ALL three of my schooly kids!
James
Preschool parent-teacher conferences are kinda funny. He's doing well "academically" with shape, letter, number recognition and counting and writing. His teacher tells me he's happier this year and playing better with other kids. But. The last week has been an exception to that. Defiance. Outright refusal to clean up a block tower. The teacher was stunned to see James act this way. I told her things have been a little crazy at home with him this week, too. I felt impressed to ask if his friend had slighted him recently. It's not like James and this girl were inseparable in class, but she's really easy to play with and both my little boys LOVE playing with her (she goes to church with us, too). The teacher said this girl had recently been playing more with another classmate.
Ah, well, James is super, super, super, super, SUPER sensitive to social rejection. At home, if a kid tells him "no" or "stop" or "you can't play", he immediately lashes out in "bad guy" ways to get their attention. Or mine. He steals part of their game, sings loudly so other kids can't hear each other, or destroys something nearby. All without words. So, I think that's kinda what might be happening this week with James. My goal over the next few weeks is to help him develop a few new coping strategies for when that grouchy frustration starts eating him up. Gotta get that kid a few new tools in that emotional tool belt of his!
Robert
His teacher is new. She has 30 kids in her class. She can only meet with Robert's reading group twice a week instead of daily (more typical for this grade). This is a problem. Robert is doing fine academically, and I'm not worried there, but I'm worried about his teacher. I'm worried Robert is missing opportunities to stretch and grow. My goal for Robert over the next few weeks is to let the principal know that I'm concerned about 30 kids in his classroom with only one teacher.
Alice
Here's one thing about Alice's teacher: when he told me about Alice, he told me about WHO she was, not just how she was doing in school. Does that make sense? Other teachers haven't worried about her. They probably had bigger concerns than a kid who follows the rules and completes the assignments on time. And I'm pretty sure this teacher does, too, but he still knows and understands Alice better than her other teachers have to date. He tells me she is the most voracious reader he's seen in 5th grade over the last 5 years. He totally understands her timed-test anxiety. He knows she's sensitive about certain books and movies that other kids don't even notice. She reminded him of this when she learned they would be studying "Number the Stars" by Lois Lowry together as a class. He asked if maybe she would need a different historical fiction to study instead. We talked about it and decided that the open structure and class discussion format might help her work through it better than if she were reading it on her own. He also warned me that they will be studying "Where the Red Fern Grows" next semester. Oh man. I don't remember anything about the book, but I sure do remember the end. Better buckle in! So, my goal for Alice in the next few weeks is to support her through "Number the Stars." Fingers crossed for no nightmares or sleepless nights. And Alice only has 24 kids in her class. Her teacher tells me that's less than he's used to and it's a pretty good group that works well together. Yay!
James
Preschool parent-teacher conferences are kinda funny. He's doing well "academically" with shape, letter, number recognition and counting and writing. His teacher tells me he's happier this year and playing better with other kids. But. The last week has been an exception to that. Defiance. Outright refusal to clean up a block tower. The teacher was stunned to see James act this way. I told her things have been a little crazy at home with him this week, too. I felt impressed to ask if his friend had slighted him recently. It's not like James and this girl were inseparable in class, but she's really easy to play with and both my little boys LOVE playing with her (she goes to church with us, too). The teacher said this girl had recently been playing more with another classmate.
Ah, well, James is super, super, super, super, SUPER sensitive to social rejection. At home, if a kid tells him "no" or "stop" or "you can't play", he immediately lashes out in "bad guy" ways to get their attention. Or mine. He steals part of their game, sings loudly so other kids can't hear each other, or destroys something nearby. All without words. So, I think that's kinda what might be happening this week with James. My goal over the next few weeks is to help him develop a few new coping strategies for when that grouchy frustration starts eating him up. Gotta get that kid a few new tools in that emotional tool belt of his!
Robert
His teacher is new. She has 30 kids in her class. She can only meet with Robert's reading group twice a week instead of daily (more typical for this grade). This is a problem. Robert is doing fine academically, and I'm not worried there, but I'm worried about his teacher. I'm worried Robert is missing opportunities to stretch and grow. My goal for Robert over the next few weeks is to let the principal know that I'm concerned about 30 kids in his classroom with only one teacher.
Alice
Here's one thing about Alice's teacher: when he told me about Alice, he told me about WHO she was, not just how she was doing in school. Does that make sense? Other teachers haven't worried about her. They probably had bigger concerns than a kid who follows the rules and completes the assignments on time. And I'm pretty sure this teacher does, too, but he still knows and understands Alice better than her other teachers have to date. He tells me she is the most voracious reader he's seen in 5th grade over the last 5 years. He totally understands her timed-test anxiety. He knows she's sensitive about certain books and movies that other kids don't even notice. She reminded him of this when she learned they would be studying "Number the Stars" by Lois Lowry together as a class. He asked if maybe she would need a different historical fiction to study instead. We talked about it and decided that the open structure and class discussion format might help her work through it better than if she were reading it on her own. He also warned me that they will be studying "Where the Red Fern Grows" next semester. Oh man. I don't remember anything about the book, but I sure do remember the end. Better buckle in! So, my goal for Alice in the next few weeks is to support her through "Number the Stars." Fingers crossed for no nightmares or sleepless nights. And Alice only has 24 kids in her class. Her teacher tells me that's less than he's used to and it's a pretty good group that works well together. Yay!
Wednesday, October 25, 2017
*head in hands*
Yesterday during quiet time, James smeared a jar of petroleum jelly all over Matthew's room. He immediately experienced a lot of solo time while I calmed down to mostly-rational. Had to consult via text with my advisors (Bobby and Rachel), too. We settled on James thoroughly cleaning up the mess and paying for a new jar of petroleum.
Today during quiet time, James broke a slat off of Matthew's bed, climbed up on Matthew's dresser, and scraped some ceiling texture off.
What the HECK?!
What. the. heck.
Two days in a row.
Is James broken?
Am I neglecting some important piece of his moral education?
Is it a lack of self-control...or a blatant willingness to suffer the consequences? Or something else? Does he need more positive attention from me? Or is he just creative with his boredom?
Gotta have a chat with this boy...tomorrow...after I've calmed down to mostly-rational. Need some time to work out a logical consequence for this...he's lost my trust, drained my energy...he's gotta replace that energy drain and work back that trust. But how? Think, think, think. Maybe he'll have some ideas when we chat tomorrow.
Should probably fix the bed first thing.
Today during quiet time, James broke a slat off of Matthew's bed, climbed up on Matthew's dresser, and scraped some ceiling texture off.
What the HECK?!
What. the. heck.
Two days in a row.
Is James broken?
Am I neglecting some important piece of his moral education?
Is it a lack of self-control...or a blatant willingness to suffer the consequences? Or something else? Does he need more positive attention from me? Or is he just creative with his boredom?
Gotta have a chat with this boy...tomorrow...after I've calmed down to mostly-rational. Need some time to work out a logical consequence for this...he's lost my trust, drained my energy...he's gotta replace that energy drain and work back that trust. But how? Think, think, think. Maybe he'll have some ideas when we chat tomorrow.
Should probably fix the bed first thing.
Sunday, October 22, 2017
He did it!
The kids' annual Primary Program at church happened today. It's the one Sunday a year where all the young kids (3-11 years old) speak and sing the "sermon" for the day. I was truly impressed with how smoothly it went down. The Primary leaders and teachers put a lot of time and thought into this program and it shows! They practiced it with the kids again and again. So much so, even, that when I asked James if he was nervous about having to speak into the microphone, he kinda shrugged and "pbbbshd" it off saying, "I've already done it TWICE."
Says the kid who, for the last 2 years, has not spoken a word in front of the Primary. No prayer, no scripture, no talk assignment could entice him to utter a single syllable in front of that group of friendly, happy kids.
I seriously questioned whether he would even sit up in the choir seats today.
He did.
And he sang all the words he knew.
And he spoke his part into the microphone.
He used his baby voice, which was completely unintelligible, but he did it!
In front of the entire adult congregation.
Amazing! This kid has met some serious milestones this year.
Robert and Alice did really well, too. Alice took it very seriously, singing and speaking in all earnestness. Robert, well, stood up and sat down with everyone but I didn't see much singing. I could tell from the expression on his face that he didn't feel his speaking part was worth the effort, but he did his duty anyway :)
Nice work, guys!
Says the kid who, for the last 2 years, has not spoken a word in front of the Primary. No prayer, no scripture, no talk assignment could entice him to utter a single syllable in front of that group of friendly, happy kids.
I seriously questioned whether he would even sit up in the choir seats today.
He did.
And he sang all the words he knew.
And he spoke his part into the microphone.
He used his baby voice, which was completely unintelligible, but he did it!
In front of the entire adult congregation.
Amazing! This kid has met some serious milestones this year.
Robert and Alice did really well, too. Alice took it very seriously, singing and speaking in all earnestness. Robert, well, stood up and sat down with everyone but I didn't see much singing. I could tell from the expression on his face that he didn't feel his speaking part was worth the effort, but he did his duty anyway :)
Nice work, guys!
Tuesday, October 17, 2017
Huge Dog
James, Matthew, and I were walking to pick up Alice and Robert from school the other day. I looked across the street a block ahead and saw a couple people walking an enormous dog. I pointed it out to James and Matthew, but it was a block away, so they weren't that impressed. I continued, "That dog comes up to my hip! He's as tall as Matthew! If that dog walked up to Matthew, he would breathe his stinky hot breath right into his face."
James asks, "How do you know the dog is as tall as Matthew?"
"Oh, well, I see that the dog is as tall as his owner's hips, so that's about how tall he'd be on me, and Matthew is about that tall."
*brief pause*
James asks, "But what if those people are a lot shorter than you?"
"Huh. You're right. I don't actually know how tall those people are." I could have debated my point further, of course, but I was so stinkin' pleased with James' logical curiosity that I let it go. I don't know how he came to ask that question, but somehow he perceived a weakness in my measurement method and could see other possible explanations for what I had experienced. Very, very interesting!
James asks, "How do you know the dog is as tall as Matthew?"
"Oh, well, I see that the dog is as tall as his owner's hips, so that's about how tall he'd be on me, and Matthew is about that tall."
*brief pause*
James asks, "But what if those people are a lot shorter than you?"
"Huh. You're right. I don't actually know how tall those people are." I could have debated my point further, of course, but I was so stinkin' pleased with James' logical curiosity that I let it go. I don't know how he came to ask that question, but somehow he perceived a weakness in my measurement method and could see other possible explanations for what I had experienced. Very, very interesting!
A Good Day
Some days are fantastic. This was one of those.
It started with James heading off to preschool without complaint. They were going to see a pumpkin patch. Then Matthew and I did all the grocery shopping and most of the laundry before James came home. My time shopping with Matthew was relaxed. One-on-one time is the BEST. We checked out the fish and he got to ride the horsey twice. He got to walk instead of riding in the cart. When I'm only wrangling one, I've got so much more attention to give! He could walk ahead and turn corners and touch stuff and it didn't drive me bonkers. We had a good time.
After shopping and laundry, we picked up James from school and came home for lunch. Lunch isn't usually exciting, but we had splurged on strawberries and that made both boys very, very happy.
Then Matthew asked to play with a friend...by name!! I was shocked, again, 'cuz Robert and James don't ask for such things. Ever. Not too surprisingly, James was very much against a play date, but maybe Matthew's friend ('s mom) would allow him to come over to her house instead?
I begged. I pleaded. We made it work. Matthew was over the moon!
James came to the hardware store with me :) We both loved it. He found the enormous, inflatable Halloween decorations quite interesting, and the talking decorations pretty "creepy." I found a few things I needed for gutting the garden and repairing the lawn mower that I had run over with my car. It's a dumb story. And it's still not fixed :(
Anyway, I loved the one-on-one time with James. Neither of us had to compete with other voices to express ourselves. James was cheerful and talkative and curious. After we checked out, we spent a good 20 minutes exploring the riding lawn mowers out front. He tried out every one. We talked batteries and gas tanks and ignition switches and seat design.
Then it was time to pick up Matthew. I just had to tell James, "I'm so glad you came with me on this trip. I love spending time with you, just you and me."
He grinned a sneaky grin and asked, "'Cuz I'm your favorite?"
"Well, you're my favorite James, that's for sure. And I love spending time with you."
Matthew was delighted and rejuvenated after his play date with Sarah! The after school time got a bit hairy: noisy, contentious at times, and kinda chaotic, but we made it through. I think everyone enjoyed dinner (a rarity) and somehow we ended up teaching Alice how to calculate exponential numbers. I think it started with Robert asking a tricky math question like, "What's 2 plus 2 times 2?" No, he only did that after James asked if 6 plus 6 made 12. James has been doing simple arithmetic in his mind lately and asking us if he's correct. Anyway, Robert thought it was cool that his tricky math question actually had TWO answers depending on which rules you followed and Alice figured out 5^3 and the square roots of 25 and 100.
This never happens. Dinner is most often a mix of whining and eating, kids scrambling to say something first, or jinx each other, and sneak in as many potty words as possible before getting excused from the table. This magical math thing only happens when EVERYONE is in a good mood.
After dinner, it was Monday Night Fun. Robert had selected an "Egg Drop" contest for us. Each kid had a small cardboard box and newspaper to design their egg-shuttling case. We also let them choose which surface the box would land on.
James--the first to finish his box. He put the egg on the landing bottom and some newspaper on top to keep it smooshed against the bottom. He had purposely designed it to BREAK the egg. Big grin.
Matthew--had some help from Bobby.
Alice--designed her own bed-like mattress inside to cushion the egg from the landing surface.
Robert--stuffed the box to bursting, then created a parachute out of tape and newspaper.
We dropped them from the top of our ladder and not one egg broke. I should also disclose that the eggs were from our new chickens who are currently laying incredibly sturdy small eggs. We chucked them in the air, and none broke. We spent the rest of the daylight trying to break those eggs.
When all the eggs were broken, we unrolled more newspaper and had a coloring party on the floor.
Pajamas, tooth brushing, scriptures, prayer, stories, and off to bed. Strangely, we remained in good moods, so even bedtime was not the chore it usually is :)
Just one of those crazy fantastic days that happens to work out sometimes.
It started with James heading off to preschool without complaint. They were going to see a pumpkin patch. Then Matthew and I did all the grocery shopping and most of the laundry before James came home. My time shopping with Matthew was relaxed. One-on-one time is the BEST. We checked out the fish and he got to ride the horsey twice. He got to walk instead of riding in the cart. When I'm only wrangling one, I've got so much more attention to give! He could walk ahead and turn corners and touch stuff and it didn't drive me bonkers. We had a good time.
 |
| Matthew checking out the fish at Meijer. |
After shopping and laundry, we picked up James from school and came home for lunch. Lunch isn't usually exciting, but we had splurged on strawberries and that made both boys very, very happy.
Then Matthew asked to play with a friend...by name!! I was shocked, again, 'cuz Robert and James don't ask for such things. Ever. Not too surprisingly, James was very much against a play date, but maybe Matthew's friend ('s mom) would allow him to come over to her house instead?
I begged. I pleaded. We made it work. Matthew was over the moon!
James came to the hardware store with me :) We both loved it. He found the enormous, inflatable Halloween decorations quite interesting, and the talking decorations pretty "creepy." I found a few things I needed for gutting the garden and repairing the lawn mower that I had run over with my car. It's a dumb story. And it's still not fixed :(
Anyway, I loved the one-on-one time with James. Neither of us had to compete with other voices to express ourselves. James was cheerful and talkative and curious. After we checked out, we spent a good 20 minutes exploring the riding lawn mowers out front. He tried out every one. We talked batteries and gas tanks and ignition switches and seat design.
Then it was time to pick up Matthew. I just had to tell James, "I'm so glad you came with me on this trip. I love spending time with you, just you and me."
He grinned a sneaky grin and asked, "'Cuz I'm your favorite?"
"Well, you're my favorite James, that's for sure. And I love spending time with you."
Matthew was delighted and rejuvenated after his play date with Sarah! The after school time got a bit hairy: noisy, contentious at times, and kinda chaotic, but we made it through. I think everyone enjoyed dinner (a rarity) and somehow we ended up teaching Alice how to calculate exponential numbers. I think it started with Robert asking a tricky math question like, "What's 2 plus 2 times 2?" No, he only did that after James asked if 6 plus 6 made 12. James has been doing simple arithmetic in his mind lately and asking us if he's correct. Anyway, Robert thought it was cool that his tricky math question actually had TWO answers depending on which rules you followed and Alice figured out 5^3 and the square roots of 25 and 100.
This never happens. Dinner is most often a mix of whining and eating, kids scrambling to say something first, or jinx each other, and sneak in as many potty words as possible before getting excused from the table. This magical math thing only happens when EVERYONE is in a good mood.
After dinner, it was Monday Night Fun. Robert had selected an "Egg Drop" contest for us. Each kid had a small cardboard box and newspaper to design their egg-shuttling case. We also let them choose which surface the box would land on.
James--the first to finish his box. He put the egg on the landing bottom and some newspaper on top to keep it smooshed against the bottom. He had purposely designed it to BREAK the egg. Big grin.
Matthew--had some help from Bobby.
Alice--designed her own bed-like mattress inside to cushion the egg from the landing surface.
Robert--stuffed the box to bursting, then created a parachute out of tape and newspaper.
We dropped them from the top of our ladder and not one egg broke. I should also disclose that the eggs were from our new chickens who are currently laying incredibly sturdy small eggs. We chucked them in the air, and none broke. We spent the rest of the daylight trying to break those eggs.
When all the eggs were broken, we unrolled more newspaper and had a coloring party on the floor.
Pajamas, tooth brushing, scriptures, prayer, stories, and off to bed. Strangely, we remained in good moods, so even bedtime was not the chore it usually is :)
Just one of those crazy fantastic days that happens to work out sometimes.
Saturday, October 14, 2017
*sigh*
Robert, a 2nd Grader, brings this little beauty home last week and chucks it on the counter in a disgusted sort of way.
"We had a sub today and we did this."
I raise an eyebrow, "Wow. A dot-to-dot that goes aaaaaaaaaall the way to 53."
"And we HAD to color it." He rolls his eyes.
"I see," I cringe inside and try not to be angry at such low expectations. Robert loves to avoid hard work like the best of them, but this was actually kinda embarrassing for him to bring home. I figure his teacher must be under a lot of stress to leave this sort of thing with the sub. In the beginning of the year, she promised weekly newsletters and weekly homework packets. None of that has materialized.
I raged about the dot-to-dot for a couple days.
Then I spoke with a friend who is a 2nd grade teacher elsewhere in the district. Apparently, it's really bad this year at Alice and Robert's school. Classes bursting into the hallways with 30+ students. Discipline issues keeping a steady stream of kids flowing into and out of the principal's office all day. Thousands of recess minutes lost to poor behavior...the whole class suffers.
I asked this teacher friend what I could possibly do to help. She said I should contact the district office and let them know my concerns. I'm more than a little terrified of that thought.
FYI, my friend's public school classroom has only 16 students enrolled right now. What!? I've got a notion to jump ship and request a transfer. No, no, that's too hard on the kids. Maybe I'll just enroll James in THAT kindergarten next year. What a mess to have 3 kids in 3 different schools! Maybe things will calm down next year when the renovations are complete and the school is forced to follow current fire code regulations: 26 students per room. Until the renovations are complete, they get to follow the regulations under which the school was built: 35 students per room.
Yikes.
"We had a sub today and we did this."
I raise an eyebrow, "Wow. A dot-to-dot that goes aaaaaaaaaall the way to 53."
"And we HAD to color it." He rolls his eyes.
"I see," I cringe inside and try not to be angry at such low expectations. Robert loves to avoid hard work like the best of them, but this was actually kinda embarrassing for him to bring home. I figure his teacher must be under a lot of stress to leave this sort of thing with the sub. In the beginning of the year, she promised weekly newsletters and weekly homework packets. None of that has materialized.
I raged about the dot-to-dot for a couple days.
Then I spoke with a friend who is a 2nd grade teacher elsewhere in the district. Apparently, it's really bad this year at Alice and Robert's school. Classes bursting into the hallways with 30+ students. Discipline issues keeping a steady stream of kids flowing into and out of the principal's office all day. Thousands of recess minutes lost to poor behavior...the whole class suffers.
I asked this teacher friend what I could possibly do to help. She said I should contact the district office and let them know my concerns. I'm more than a little terrified of that thought.
FYI, my friend's public school classroom has only 16 students enrolled right now. What!? I've got a notion to jump ship and request a transfer. No, no, that's too hard on the kids. Maybe I'll just enroll James in THAT kindergarten next year. What a mess to have 3 kids in 3 different schools! Maybe things will calm down next year when the renovations are complete and the school is forced to follow current fire code regulations: 26 students per room. Until the renovations are complete, they get to follow the regulations under which the school was built: 35 students per room.
Yikes.
Friday, October 13, 2017
Tipping Point
Matthew has decided he cannot abide another trip to the YMCA Child Watch without a child he knows accompanying him. Preferably James.
I called a friend from church to ask if I could borrow her 2.5-year-old. When I told Matthew the good news, he asked, "Is she the one that pushes?"
Uh...um...
It didn't matter, though, because James opted out of preschool this morning for the Y. He never does that. Never. And I think he kinda almost did it to make Matthew feel better. Matthew refused to get dressed, wailing and sobbing and begging not to go to the Y without James. James heard this and said, "Okay, Matthew, I'll go to the Y with you."
Matthew choked down a sob and looked at him, "What? You come uh Y wif me?!"
"Yeah. I'll go with you."
"You wi-yill?"
"Yeah."
"Mommy! He wi-yill!"
Then James pops into his room to change into play clothes. Matthew stops crying, wipes his eyes, and gets all happy. Then I say something stupid because this was not what *I* wanted to have happen.
"Well, he might change his mind when Claire comes to pick him up." (It was more wishful thinking than an actual possibility, and I knew it, but I was mad at myself for giving James a choice I wasn't actually okay with him choosing. I wanted him at preschool! I only gave him the "Y" option because I was trying to scare him into going to school. Argh! Total backfire.)
Well, Matthew gets worried. When James comes out dressed, I hear Matthew run over to him and ask, "You go to uh Y wif me?"
(a little exasperated) "Yeah. I'm going to the Y!"
"Why? Is it 'cuz you luff me?"
James flashes his impish grin and his eyebrows go up, "No, it's because of the Y-Day Surprise*." Matthew giggled, completely satisfied that James was truly going to come. And that was that.
I had to cancel the preschool carpool. Still had to pick up the borrowed 2.5-year-old, who was delighted to come and had a great time, even though the boys didn't play with her once, and whose mother came to work out with me after a little while, and made my work out much more fun. So, it was actually better overall than if I had taken Matthew alone.
But.
This is a tipping point. I feel like there's a good resolution to my difficulties with this issue if I just look over the facts again.
Side note: James *almost* tried to run away when it came time to check him in to Child Watch, but then Matthew turned to him for direction/decision and James plunged in with both feet. This was a fluke. I don't think James would enjoy going to the Y regularly with me and Matthew again. There's a reason I exercise on preschool days.
Need #1: I need exercise, a few hours a week, to maintain a healthy mom balance.
Difficulties: The kids don't like going to the Y, even with bribes.
Other points to consider:
I prefer certain classes at the Y that are taught at specific times. Mostly weekday AM.
I prefer not to go to the Y on evenings/weekends, losing time with Bobby and the whole family.
I am motivated by the programs and offerings at the Y. Like nothing else.
I am motivated by the relationships I have at the Y. Like nothing else.
I am motivated by the professional level of child care at the Y. Like nothing else.
I am motivated by the feeling of community at the Y. Like nothing else.
So, it doesn't make sense to solve this difficulty by trying a different/closer gym or exercise regimen (e.g. videos at home, stationary bike) because I would lose all of those powerful motivators to get the exercise I need. The Y works for me right now.
Need #2: I need time away from James, a few hours a week, to maintain a healthy mom balance.
Difficulties: James doesn't like to leave me, even for friends, loving teachers, and an endless supply of fun, age-appropriate activities at preschool. I don't like to ask friends for childcare favors because it affects my relationship with them.
Other points to consider:
It's hard to get James to go to preschool, but he tolerates it fine once he's there.
It's harder to get James to go to the Y, but he tolerates it fine once he's there.
He's happy to leave me for a play date with one of only TWO kids.
It's hard to set up a regular play date for him that I might not be able to count on or reciprocate**.
It's hard to predict if he'll come to hate a regular play date, too.
James coming to the Y makes Matthew happier to come.
Well, heck! That simplifies things tremendously. This will be hard for James, whatever I choose :) and my gut tells me he will resist anything regular that I set up. I think the preschool thing is best for James. He has fun once I'm gone, and it allows me to meet BOTH fundamental mom-balance needs with minimal suffering on his part. It's settled: James stays in preschool.
That leaves only Matthew's unhappiness.
If James stayed the same and Matthew loved going to the Y, I would happily keep things just the way they are. Matthew's unhappiness at the Y, though, jeopardizes Need #1. I feel threatened by it. I don't want to lose that important balancing point.
I was kinda planning on enrolling Matthew in preschool after Christmas anyway. He'll LOVE it. And he might help James like it more, too. Once they go together, I can cram all the unpleasant tasks they hate into those short 9 hours a week. Yay!
So, I guess I only need to find something that will work for us for the next 3 months.
My first thought was to put him in preschool earlier than planned. He'd love it, right? Totally. But at what cost? I'd be going from "free" child care to "$160/month" child care. Is that better than hating the Y? It's just different. I believe this is the simplest (and most expensive) solution to maximize everyone's happiness.
My second thought was to wrestle Matthew into the Y every time. He's small. Those child watch ladies are warm, but tough. They handle criers all the time, two hours at a time. They've got my back. It's the hysterical sobbing before and after my workout that might make regular exercise less rejuvenating for me. Then again, it would only be this ugly for 3 months. Can I permanently damage my trusting relationship with Matthew in only 3 months? ;)
My third idea was to change my exercise schedule to include one preschool day and one non-preschool day until Christmas. Compromise. That way, Matthew has James at the Y with him once a week. The major drawback being James' reluctance to go...he's bigger, louder, and stronger than Matthew...a lot more difficult to force into anything. And clever. He can unbuckle his seat belt in protest (and he has!). I can't carry them both if they go limp on me, and they're too young to leave one behind while I carry the other in. And the wailing and gnashing of teeth to and from the workout...what a spectacle! No, no, no.
My fourth idea was to up the "Y-day Surprise" incentive. I've tried some of that already. I asked Matthew what he'd like to do/experience after the Y to make him want to go. Nothing. More tears. He might not be old enough for a delayed gratification/consequence to mean something. That usually develops around age 4. James is a tough negotiator. He would only come willingly for something on the scale of a restaurant lunch, swimming at the pool, visiting a children's museum, or $10. Twice a week. Perish. The. Thought.
My fifth idea was to blog about it because none of the earlier ideas is an easy win :)
I welcome your thoughts on the matter. Is there something I'm missing?
I do enjoy my time solo with Matthew. One-on-one is divine, no matter which kid I'm with. Here we are at the "train park." In the movie, he's saying, "Eeeeeee! Picture. Movie! Picture..."
*an invention from this summer to persuade all my children that they wanted to come to the Y with me twice a week. It's a bribe. Or maybe a mutually beneficial exchange between two equal parties.
**friend playdates, unlike institutional child care, are subject to change due to illness and vacations and school holidays. I like that I can count on the Y's child care to watch my kid(s) every day I'm able to go. No cancellations. No rescheduling. No pressure on my relationship with the kid's mom.
I called a friend from church to ask if I could borrow her 2.5-year-old. When I told Matthew the good news, he asked, "Is she the one that pushes?"
Uh...um...
It didn't matter, though, because James opted out of preschool this morning for the Y. He never does that. Never. And I think he kinda almost did it to make Matthew feel better. Matthew refused to get dressed, wailing and sobbing and begging not to go to the Y without James. James heard this and said, "Okay, Matthew, I'll go to the Y with you."
Matthew choked down a sob and looked at him, "What? You come uh Y wif me?!"
"Yeah. I'll go with you."
"You wi-yill?"
"Yeah."
"Mommy! He wi-yill!"
Then James pops into his room to change into play clothes. Matthew stops crying, wipes his eyes, and gets all happy. Then I say something stupid because this was not what *I* wanted to have happen.
"Well, he might change his mind when Claire comes to pick him up." (It was more wishful thinking than an actual possibility, and I knew it, but I was mad at myself for giving James a choice I wasn't actually okay with him choosing. I wanted him at preschool! I only gave him the "Y" option because I was trying to scare him into going to school. Argh! Total backfire.)
Well, Matthew gets worried. When James comes out dressed, I hear Matthew run over to him and ask, "You go to uh Y wif me?"
(a little exasperated) "Yeah. I'm going to the Y!"
"Why? Is it 'cuz you luff me?"
James flashes his impish grin and his eyebrows go up, "No, it's because of the Y-Day Surprise*." Matthew giggled, completely satisfied that James was truly going to come. And that was that.
I had to cancel the preschool carpool. Still had to pick up the borrowed 2.5-year-old, who was delighted to come and had a great time, even though the boys didn't play with her once, and whose mother came to work out with me after a little while, and made my work out much more fun. So, it was actually better overall than if I had taken Matthew alone.
But.
This is a tipping point. I feel like there's a good resolution to my difficulties with this issue if I just look over the facts again.
Side note: James *almost* tried to run away when it came time to check him in to Child Watch, but then Matthew turned to him for direction/decision and James plunged in with both feet. This was a fluke. I don't think James would enjoy going to the Y regularly with me and Matthew again. There's a reason I exercise on preschool days.
Need #1: I need exercise, a few hours a week, to maintain a healthy mom balance.
Difficulties: The kids don't like going to the Y, even with bribes.
Other points to consider:
I prefer certain classes at the Y that are taught at specific times. Mostly weekday AM.
I prefer not to go to the Y on evenings/weekends, losing time with Bobby and the whole family.
I am motivated by the programs and offerings at the Y. Like nothing else.
I am motivated by the relationships I have at the Y. Like nothing else.
I am motivated by the professional level of child care at the Y. Like nothing else.
I am motivated by the feeling of community at the Y. Like nothing else.
So, it doesn't make sense to solve this difficulty by trying a different/closer gym or exercise regimen (e.g. videos at home, stationary bike) because I would lose all of those powerful motivators to get the exercise I need. The Y works for me right now.
Need #2: I need time away from James, a few hours a week, to maintain a healthy mom balance.
Difficulties: James doesn't like to leave me, even for friends, loving teachers, and an endless supply of fun, age-appropriate activities at preschool. I don't like to ask friends for childcare favors because it affects my relationship with them.
Other points to consider:
It's hard to get James to go to preschool, but he tolerates it fine once he's there.
It's harder to get James to go to the Y, but he tolerates it fine once he's there.
He's happy to leave me for a play date with one of only TWO kids.
It's hard to set up a regular play date for him that I might not be able to count on or reciprocate**.
It's hard to predict if he'll come to hate a regular play date, too.
James coming to the Y makes Matthew happier to come.
Well, heck! That simplifies things tremendously. This will be hard for James, whatever I choose :) and my gut tells me he will resist anything regular that I set up. I think the preschool thing is best for James. He has fun once I'm gone, and it allows me to meet BOTH fundamental mom-balance needs with minimal suffering on his part. It's settled: James stays in preschool.
That leaves only Matthew's unhappiness.
If James stayed the same and Matthew loved going to the Y, I would happily keep things just the way they are. Matthew's unhappiness at the Y, though, jeopardizes Need #1. I feel threatened by it. I don't want to lose that important balancing point.
I was kinda planning on enrolling Matthew in preschool after Christmas anyway. He'll LOVE it. And he might help James like it more, too. Once they go together, I can cram all the unpleasant tasks they hate into those short 9 hours a week. Yay!
So, I guess I only need to find something that will work for us for the next 3 months.
My first thought was to put him in preschool earlier than planned. He'd love it, right? Totally. But at what cost? I'd be going from "free" child care to "$160/month" child care. Is that better than hating the Y? It's just different. I believe this is the simplest (and most expensive) solution to maximize everyone's happiness.
My second thought was to wrestle Matthew into the Y every time. He's small. Those child watch ladies are warm, but tough. They handle criers all the time, two hours at a time. They've got my back. It's the hysterical sobbing before and after my workout that might make regular exercise less rejuvenating for me. Then again, it would only be this ugly for 3 months. Can I permanently damage my trusting relationship with Matthew in only 3 months? ;)
My third idea was to change my exercise schedule to include one preschool day and one non-preschool day until Christmas. Compromise. That way, Matthew has James at the Y with him once a week. The major drawback being James' reluctance to go...he's bigger, louder, and stronger than Matthew...a lot more difficult to force into anything. And clever. He can unbuckle his seat belt in protest (and he has!). I can't carry them both if they go limp on me, and they're too young to leave one behind while I carry the other in. And the wailing and gnashing of teeth to and from the workout...what a spectacle! No, no, no.
My fourth idea was to up the "Y-day Surprise" incentive. I've tried some of that already. I asked Matthew what he'd like to do/experience after the Y to make him want to go. Nothing. More tears. He might not be old enough for a delayed gratification/consequence to mean something. That usually develops around age 4. James is a tough negotiator. He would only come willingly for something on the scale of a restaurant lunch, swimming at the pool, visiting a children's museum, or $10. Twice a week. Perish. The. Thought.
My fifth idea was to blog about it because none of the earlier ideas is an easy win :)
I welcome your thoughts on the matter. Is there something I'm missing?
I do enjoy my time solo with Matthew. One-on-one is divine, no matter which kid I'm with. Here we are at the "train park." In the movie, he's saying, "Eeeeeee! Picture. Movie! Picture..."
*an invention from this summer to persuade all my children that they wanted to come to the Y with me twice a week. It's a bribe. Or maybe a mutually beneficial exchange between two equal parties.
**friend playdates, unlike institutional child care, are subject to change due to illness and vacations and school holidays. I like that I can count on the Y's child care to watch my kid(s) every day I'm able to go. No cancellations. No rescheduling. No pressure on my relationship with the kid's mom.
Sunday, October 8, 2017
James is 5!
How did that happen?!
Wow.
He had been talking about it for at least a month. His wish list and special birthday requests kept changing. I was not worried. I was thrilled to make his cake this year, which he described to me like this:
"I want a cactus cake with Darth Vader and a Storm Trooper standing on it and saying, "What the heck?!"
Ta-da!
It took two days to make, but James was an integral helper and we were both pleased with the end product.
He also wanted a friend party. Hm. I don't like friend parties. I limit them to once every four years for EACH child (ages 4, 8, 12, and 16). He didn't want one at age 4, or I would have said "no" outright this year. I just don't like friend parties. And I didn't really like this one, either, but James did, and that's the most important part, right? He invited 3 friends. He prepared 3 games. He wanted cake first. Easy! It was pretty much a play date. With screaming and running. Lots of screaming and running.
Never mind that James and one of his guests licked most of the frosting off the cake when I wasn't looking. It was after the candle blowing, of course. The covert operation took place towards the end of the party.
Never mind that I took two minutes to use the bathroom and one of his guests ran out the front door in search of an adult to take her home.
Never mind that the party took up all of quiet time and Alice and Robert were devastated that there was no clean birthday cake leftover for them to enjoy when they got back from school.
Never mind that I've been putting off this blog post until I could write about it without screaming in frustration :)
If I could do James' birthday over again, I would have spent that time with him going places and doing things he wanted to do: library, park, pool, McDonald's for lunch, snuggle on the couch with a movie. It's the quality time that I look forward to on special holidays, not the parties. But then, had we done it my way, it would have been the birthday I wanted, not necessarily the birthday he wanted.
Ah, well, his next friend party is in 2020. I should be recovered by then ;) just as long as Robert's 8th (2018), Matthew's 4th (2018), and Alice's 12th (2019) don't kill me first.
Oh, James, I dearly love you. You are the one I think about the most these days. I spend a lot of energy trying to decipher your motivations and maintain the boundaries we've set. You also happen to be the child most attached to me, and you listen to me better than you listen to anyone else, which makes an interesting give and take all day, every day. You cling to me like an octopus when it's time to go to preschool or Primary, but you're almost always the first to wander off in public spaces. You explore. You imagine. You create. You try out your ideas, even if you know they might get you in trouble.
You read your siblings like a book and know exactly which buttons to push to create your very own fireworks display. Robert falls for it every time. EVERY time. But I think he does it on purpose sometimes because you guys have crazy, loud fun chasing each other around the house. You play rough, but the laughter is genuine. I love to see you play together. Even if it's loud. And even if it ends in tears. Half the time, you're the one crying. Half the time, it's Robert. I think those are pretty even odds.
I wonder if you will ever share a room with any of your siblings ever again.
I wonder how you'll adjust to kindergarten next year. Will you hate it? Love it? Cling to me? Run away? Make friends? Maybe a little of everything.
I look at your eyes...that impish grin...those dimples that mean mischief is afoot...and I wonder where you will take this life of yours.
I love to pull you close. I love to make you laugh. I love to hear your ideas for bringing dinosaurs back or stealing all the money in the world or catching the monsters that you blame for everything you don't understand.
You, dear James, are one kid I haven't figured out yet. Sometimes I feel like I'm standing on a cactus with Darth Vader and a Storm Trooper saying, "What the heck?!" Happy birthday, dude. I am so, so glad we have each other.
Wow.
 |
| James and Matthew posing with the birthday cake |
He had been talking about it for at least a month. His wish list and special birthday requests kept changing. I was not worried. I was thrilled to make his cake this year, which he described to me like this:
"I want a cactus cake with Darth Vader and a Storm Trooper standing on it and saying, "What the heck?!"
Ta-da!
 |
| The name thing was an add-on. |
It took two days to make, but James was an integral helper and we were both pleased with the end product.
He also wanted a friend party. Hm. I don't like friend parties. I limit them to once every four years for EACH child (ages 4, 8, 12, and 16). He didn't want one at age 4, or I would have said "no" outright this year. I just don't like friend parties. And I didn't really like this one, either, but James did, and that's the most important part, right? He invited 3 friends. He prepared 3 games. He wanted cake first. Easy! It was pretty much a play date. With screaming and running. Lots of screaming and running.
Never mind that James and one of his guests licked most of the frosting off the cake when I wasn't looking. It was after the candle blowing, of course. The covert operation took place towards the end of the party.
Never mind that I took two minutes to use the bathroom and one of his guests ran out the front door in search of an adult to take her home.
Never mind that the party took up all of quiet time and Alice and Robert were devastated that there was no clean birthday cake leftover for them to enjoy when they got back from school.
Never mind that I've been putting off this blog post until I could write about it without screaming in frustration :)
If I could do James' birthday over again, I would have spent that time with him going places and doing things he wanted to do: library, park, pool, McDonald's for lunch, snuggle on the couch with a movie. It's the quality time that I look forward to on special holidays, not the parties. But then, had we done it my way, it would have been the birthday I wanted, not necessarily the birthday he wanted.
Ah, well, his next friend party is in 2020. I should be recovered by then ;) just as long as Robert's 8th (2018), Matthew's 4th (2018), and Alice's 12th (2019) don't kill me first.
Oh, James, I dearly love you. You are the one I think about the most these days. I spend a lot of energy trying to decipher your motivations and maintain the boundaries we've set. You also happen to be the child most attached to me, and you listen to me better than you listen to anyone else, which makes an interesting give and take all day, every day. You cling to me like an octopus when it's time to go to preschool or Primary, but you're almost always the first to wander off in public spaces. You explore. You imagine. You create. You try out your ideas, even if you know they might get you in trouble.
You read your siblings like a book and know exactly which buttons to push to create your very own fireworks display. Robert falls for it every time. EVERY time. But I think he does it on purpose sometimes because you guys have crazy, loud fun chasing each other around the house. You play rough, but the laughter is genuine. I love to see you play together. Even if it's loud. And even if it ends in tears. Half the time, you're the one crying. Half the time, it's Robert. I think those are pretty even odds.
I wonder if you will ever share a room with any of your siblings ever again.
I wonder how you'll adjust to kindergarten next year. Will you hate it? Love it? Cling to me? Run away? Make friends? Maybe a little of everything.
I look at your eyes...that impish grin...those dimples that mean mischief is afoot...and I wonder where you will take this life of yours.
I love to pull you close. I love to make you laugh. I love to hear your ideas for bringing dinosaurs back or stealing all the money in the world or catching the monsters that you blame for everything you don't understand.
You, dear James, are one kid I haven't figured out yet. Sometimes I feel like I'm standing on a cactus with Darth Vader and a Storm Trooper saying, "What the heck?!" Happy birthday, dude. I am so, so glad we have each other.
 |
| James looking at me, not the photographer ;) |
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