Good Days

We had a checkup with the doctor after Matthew's five days of fever. She's pretty sure it was the flu. His ears and lungs were clear, despite a distinctive residual cough. This time, his virus didn't trigger an asthma attack. No pneumonia, either. James came down with a high fever the next day, and Alex has been miserable in every other flu way (body aches!), but that's all normal and boring. Whew. 

This was the first year in a while that we failed to get flu shots. Matthew tells me that 5 days of the flu is still better than a shot, but Alex is definitely getting a shot next year. James is on the fence.

I was really concerned about all the work Matthew would have to make up when he got back to school. Homework time is emotional enough when it's just for one day, but we were soon going to have regular homework plus 3 days of classwork to make up. It felt overwhelming. One of Matthew's teachers was able to take him aside his first day back and go through several pages of math with him. I just want to hug that teacher. He thinks he just helped my son catch up, but he actually helped our whole family. He has no idea what a relief those 3 pages of math gave us all.

Matthew has been pretty happy since going back to school. Not perfect, but we've had a few good days. This new dose of meds may be kicking in.

I have a parenting confession to make. 

When Alex was born, he arrived with an unwritten list of things that I would never/always do and never/always allow my children to do. It's been almost 18 years with kids and each kid has left a mark on that unwritten list in his own way. Most recently, Matthew's acute anxiety has made it necessary to suspend three of the ideals that I have clung to the longest...

    --my kids will never sleep in my bed

    --my kids will always eat a bowl of non-sugar cereal before eating any sugar cereal

    --my kids will never be allowed access to screens willy-nilly

Now, Matthew sleeps in my bed every night. 

Last Tuesday, I let him have a single bowl of cereal for breakfast and, yes, it was a sugar cereal.

And finally, one of the techniques that helps Matthew come down from a paralyzing panic attack is a few minutes on the Kindle.

I can hear Younger Susan (YS) in my head, 

"You're giving up." 

"You just need to stay firm, hold the boundary, and the kid will adapt."

"He's just fussing until he gets what he wants."

"This is unfair to all the older kids who weren't allowed to do these things."

"Are you helping or enabling?"

"Other families get along fine without making these concessions."

"If you were stronger, this wouldn't be so hard."

YS, you're pretty harsh. That last one stings the most.

I'm confessing these egregious sins to the world in an effort to lower your volume.

'Cause I've learned a few things, YS, in my 18 years as a parent. Each kid is unique. There's no way around that. Older siblings and younger siblings have different parents. There's no way around that, either. And I think the most surprising discovery is that my priorities have had to shift away from "control" (as hard as that is to give up) towards "measured efforts to meet ever changing needs."

Matthew won't likely be sleeping in my bed in high school.

Breakfast for an anxious child with a microscopic morning appetite...I choose my battles carefully.

Using the Kindle to address paralyzing panic attacks is not pulling him away from what needs to be done, it's a tool to reset. For now.

So, while you'll always be there in the back of my mind, YS, you won't always be right. Writing this all out helps me see that better. I need more reminders like these.

Some Really Awesome News

Guess what?! Matthew competed in his first archery competition and had a GREAT time. Bobby snagged some pictures.

Lining up for their shots.

Bobby tells me all the kids were nervous about their first competition of the season. Matthew is taking it in stride, though. Bobby said he was having a good time with his teammates.

In other news, James qualified for regionals in the Great History Challenge this year! It's a quiz-bowl type competition where teams of students answer history questions. Fewer than 5% of kids nationwide qualify for nationals, but a lot of kids at his school make it every year, so he thinks it's not a big deal. He's happy to see ME excited about it, though.

James has also made significant progress on his pieces for the upcoming school art show. This is something he is actually really excited about. I picked him up from art club yesterday afternoon and he asked his teacher if he could show me what he's been working on for the show. His art teacher has a funny rule, though, about what gets into the show. Each student can submit a certain number of pieces, but parents aren't allowed to see them until the show. If a parent sees it, it's much less likely to get into the show. I can imagine a few reasons why that would be an important policy in a school where parents tend to be heavily involved and want their children to do very, very well in absolutely everything. There might be some undue influence, right? And it's a lot more exciting to see something for the first time in its best light, mounted and hung, ready for an audience, like any other piece of art in a gallery. The art teacher told James that he could show me one of his pieces, but then it definitely wouldn't get into the show. I told James I'd rather wait. I could tell he was having a hard time deciding what he wanted more. 

Nova is coming along really well in her Basic Dog Manners training. Alex has been working with her on all of the important basics. Also, in a stroke of seemingly-unrelated-though-possibly-not genius, Nova has learned to use the dog bells to let us know when she wants to go outside to potty. This is a HUGE step forward, and every person in the family is excited for her. Even the non-dog-lovers*

*Non-dog-lover was a term we coined at the beginning of the process of getting a dog. Bobby and Robert did not want a dog. They wanted no dog responsibilities or privileges. The dog lovers do all the work and get all the fun. Well, it turns out that non-dog-lovers can still be Nova-lovers. They both adore her and give her all sorts of love and scratches. She's come to really like them, too, and even seek out their affection when no one else is available. Both Bobby and Robert will gladly open the door for Nova when she rings the bells. Woo hoo!

Anxiety Plan

Matthew is home sick today with a fever of 102F. Ibuprofen lowers it to something more reasonable, but he's still pretty much sleeping on the couch between beverage breaks. That forces me to slow down, cancel plans, and take a morning to blog.

I'm not gonna lie. Life at the Evans household is pretty intense right now. We're grappling with paralyzing anxiety, which takes some time to stabilize, especially in children. I'm leaning on some great advice a friend gave me about her own children, "The child is not the problem. The [XYZ] is the problem. Your child just needs to be loved and feel loved." 

It's kinda rough, adjusting some expectations that I thought were set in stone. I think that's the hardest part. I catch myself thinking, "Why can't my kid just [XYZ] like other kids? How can I fix it?!" 

Why can't they make friends?

Why can't they just go to class?

Why can't they adjust to unexpected changes in their schedule?

Why don't they have words for what they're feeling?

Why are they so anxious about something that 90% of their peers just take in stride?

Why is this such a big deal to them?

Why can't they just sit down and do it?

I've run into these frustrations so many times now that the sharp sting has turned into something of a constant, dull ache. It's more like, "Oh yeah, this again. Well, let's go." Am I worn down? Am I giving up? Or am I finally seeing things the way they really are? Maybe something in-between? It's really hard to tell on my end. 

Our current plan is a good one, but it will take some time to see results:

--We've got both boys in therapy and one on meds. They like therapy, but it's not a quick fix. It takes time to build habits and thinking patterns that allow a person as anxious as they are to self-regulate. Alex has come so far over the last 6 years! 

--Specific training and a support group for parents. Organizations like The Child Mind Institute, International OCD Foundation, Anxiety and Depression Association of America, and the American Academy of Child-Adolescent Psychiatry all offer education and training. A couple offer online support groups for parents. When I need to face difficult things, I find a little empathy goes a long way. 

--Anxiety/Depression meds are tricky in kids. The kids' brains are still developing and their bodies are constantly growing, so an effective dosage is a moving target. Sometimes the side effects are worse than the benefits. And sometimes the side effects are more anxiety! But, antidepressants can also be highly effective and make a big difference right away. We saw that in Matthew. 

--Patience. So much patience, recognizing that my own plans/schedules might be disrupted and it's not the end of the world.

--Prayer. So much prayer, seeking inspiration for the big picture and insight into the daily struggles. 

--Courage, knowing that my parenting strategies in these situations won't align with others' opinions on the matter, and still doing what I feel is best for my family. 

So, that's the plan for now. It's actually something of a relief to have Matthew down with a virus. A virus is easy. The kid feels miserable for a few days, but then it's over. Even if it triggers an asthmatic episode and pneumonia, that's something I know how to work with. I've done that a hundred times. Even if he doesn't sleep for three days. Even if I have to clean up vomit or diarrhea. Even if every other person in the house gets it in turn, it still comes to an end. Easy peasy. 

This anxiety stuff, though, is gonna take a whole lot more practice.  

A Few Pictures

Christmas morning, Alex brought out enormous rawhide treats for the dogs. Ruby, the little dog on the right, instantly went for the enormous one. Nova, on the left, leaped onto Alex to get to the smaller one. 

Alex created an enormous cake in the shape of a Dalek from the Dr. Who series.

Eleven layers of cake!

James just chillin' at the Ward Christmas Dinner.

Christmas Eve, Erin brought over matching dog sweaters for the pups. They left them on (yay!), and I'll be using that on Nova once the weather actually turns cold. 

Alex had some grad photos taken at the U of I Conservatory. This one is his favorite.

Nova found a spot of sun in the front room.

We traveled to Rockford for New Year's to spend time with Bobby's brother's family. We tried a new-to-us restaurant called Beef a Roo.

Fun at the natural history museum in Rockford.

A giant mosaic sculpture of a cicada just outside the natural history museum in Rockford.

Nova feeling lazy and playful all at once.

Our most recent family photo!

 

Merry Christmas!

The kids tell me this was a great Christmas this year. One of the best. I've been trying to pinpoint what exactly made it so special. James and Alex have told me several times that holidays and birthdays just aren't as fun as they used to be. The magic and excitement are gone. This year, though, the kids spent a lot more time thinking about and preparing Christmas for others. All the kids except Robert. More on that later. Alex, James, and Matthew took initiative in choosing gifts for family members. They put out the decorations and asked to do the activities that meant the most to them: putting up the tree, singing carols a capella in our living room, attending the ward Christmas party, planning Christmas meals/gifts/surprises for a friend in a nursing home and for the sister missionaries we love. My favorite part of this year was doing gifts and special things for people who had no expectation of that from us. Those folks were surprised and delighted and happy, like my kids used to be on Christmas when they were much, much younger. Alex noticed the change in tone, too, and said he'd like to make that surprise and delight a regular tradition.

Robert opted out of many things, but only because he didn't want to go through the effort of putting ornaments on a tree that he would have to take down in a couple weeks. He didn't want to sit and think about gifts for his siblings, either, so he opted out of those, too. He didn't want any responsibility for what we ate for dinner or for how we celebrated on Christmas Eve. I tooooooootally get that. It also makes me scratch my head a little. He wasn't a scrooge about it. He had fun and seemed to enjoy the experience. He just didn't want to do any work.

Here's a photo Erin took on Christmas Day after we loaded up the Sisters with gifts, treats, and leftovers: