Finally Feeling Something

It's been a long December. My life has been full to overflowing "doing things for" and "spending time with" the people (and pets) that I love.

The reality of middle-aged life with four kids in school, though, is that those things I do and the minutes I spend don't always come when I'm well-rested and ready. It's a school project that I didn't hear about until the night before. It's a long, emotionally-charged conversation after bedtime. It's sitting by a child taking two hours to finish one stinking word search worksheet. It's a child who just can't calm down to sleep. For hours. It's taking the kids on Nova's walks and on errands because they just want to spend time with me. It looks like getting all my winter gear on to work on bikes in the unheated garage...alone...and the kids opening the door every 10 seconds coming in and out, checking on me with a question or a request or some kind of crisis that requires my immediate attention in the house. Even Nova desperately wants to be in the garage with me, but doesn't like the cold, and will sit at the door with a puppy-dog sad face begging to be on the other side, regardless of whether she's already indoors or in the garage with me. 

Another stark reality in all of this "doing things for" and "spending time with" is that it's often very hard work. It's getting up at 6:30am on school days, no matter how late I was up the night before by choice or otherwise, keeping a calm and cheerful demeanor as I carefully shepherd kids through the morning routine. Matthew is extremely sensitive to negative emotion. He has several trigger words and situations that can lead to all-out meltdowns. I spend a lot of energy these mornings smoothing out relationship bumps, guiding the kids through minor disappointments, and acting playful, silly, and downright goofy just to distract Matthew and redirect his attention. Medication has helped him immensely, but we still experience the occasional meltdown crisis. Sometimes it's Matthew, sometimes it's James. When I hear one of those trigger words or situations, I emotionally gear up and lock down: rock-steady tone of voice, light conversational mood, and a steady stream of verbal reassurance until the crisis has resolved. I picked up the younger boys from school today and soon discovered myself hiding in the bathroom, anticipating an episode that might randomly occur at any moment. 

I am complaining. I am also fully aware that I like being important to these people and that I like seeing my efforts matter to them. Even when I'm feeling totally drained, there is almost always a little bit more to give in an emergency. 

Bobby's energy level has been low and unpredictable over the last several months. He's started going to bed at 8:30pm to give himself the best possible chance at functioning well the next day. That means I do the hardest bits of the bedtime routine on my own...smoothing contention, navigating Matthew's intense bedtime anxieties, and negotiating between 1) my need to be utterly alone and uninterrupted, 2) my desire to engage with an empathetic peer, and 3) the kids' needs/ wants. Lately, I've caught myself grumbling, "Why do *I* have to perform this particular family task/duty?" only to answer myself, "Because there's no one else right now." It's hard. I've had to lower some expectations. Nothing too egregious just yet. Ha!

With all this responsibility looming and then adding the sweetest, gentlest, quietest, and most affectionate dog to our household, there hasn't been any room for Christmas in my life. 

Until today. 

I just started feeling the Christmas spirit today. My mom mentioned her nativity and I decided that I wanted to put mine up this year. We haven't had a good/safe place to put it for years. I made a place, put all the pieces down in random order, and left it in disarray for one of my kids to discover and put together. I knew it would be James. I knew he would do it without a second thought, without even asking me, and enjoy himself immensely. I asked him to string more lights up in the front room for the same reasons. 

A few more things happened today to Chistmas-ify me a little more:

--Alex and Robert had their last day of school before winter break.

--Alex finished the Christmas Stocking shopping today. He picked up a couple extra stockings for the Sister Missionaries in our ward. James invited them to spend Christmas with us! James, of all people, invited non-family members to come into our home. Will miracles never cease? I've had fun collecting gifts for the Sisters to open on Christmas. Alex color coded and wrapped everything. We're also doing a tree and gifts for my friend who recently moved into a nursing home. That's been rewarding. 

--I made Lebkuchen. It's amazing. Not everyone is into dry, crumbly gingerbread cookies filled with plum jam and coated in dark chocolate, but I sure am. Soooo good. The first batch was a successful test case. Now I know how to make them just right. 

Unrelated to Christmas, I crunched more numbers looking at tuition and housing costs for universities that Alex has applied to. It's astounding. Even a state school nowadays costs 10x what I paid in 1997. I was able to pay for college with a partial scholarship, a part-time job, and a single small interest-free loan. Alex will need a whole lot more than that...the state college will cost $100,000 for tuition alone over 4 years. It's a daunting figure. Now comes the fun part where we move pieces around until we formulate a workable plan.

Tired Tonight

I'm tired, but I don't get much quiet alone time, so I wanted to write this while I could :)

It's Sunday night, Thanksgiving weekend. I'm on the living room couch with a computer on my lap. The whole house is dark except for the three little lights above the fireplace. It's quiet. Bobby is in bed after having sat with Matthew in his room until Matthew finally fell asleep. 

• Today was a really stressful day for Matthew. He desperately wants to meet folks' expectations of him and Fast Sunday is rife with land mines in that regard. He had a panic attack or two, a serious case of decision paralysis all day, and pretty much felt stressed every moment he wasn't actively playing or laughing with someone else. 

There's a telescope on a tripod in the middle of the living room. It's pointing at the gas fireplace's pilot light. 

• James and Matthew were working with the telescope this afternoon and discovered all sorts of fascinating things.

There's an enormous pile of library books stacked between the couch and the brick mantle. I've got to find two long-overdue books, return literally 100 others, and pick up a couple of holds. 

• Matthew's teachers tell me he reads and comprehends texts at the 5th grade level, but he spells like a 2nd grader. That is pretty unusual. When you put that with his math performance scores, there's reason to suspect dyslexia. I wouldn't be too surprised about that. And I'm not too surprised that his previous teachers may have missed it. It's subtle. He's still young. And his previous teachers have always had bigger, more damaging issues to work through just to get the classroom under control. 

Half of the kitchen island is covered with a sheet of cardboard littered with cups, silicone molds, and spilled epoxy resin in 4 different colors. 

• James made chess pieces and a chessboard out of epoxy resin this weekend. What a mess. What a cool experience. Once the resin fully cures, I look forward to having my kitchen island back.

The kitchen sink is full of so. many. dishes. Most of them are too large for the dishwasher and need to be hand washed. 

• Alex generates a whole lotta dishes when he bakes. And since it was Fast Sunday today, I made Chicken Parmesan for dinner and that also generates piles of greasy pans and cooling racks *sigh* Bobby and I try to keep up pretty well with the dishes, but Sundays are just plain crazy.

Robert is in bed, too. 

• Normally, he stays up late in the living room doing homework or playing video games, but not on Sundays. That's the main reason I can sit here quietly and blog. 
• Robert seems to have jammed or broken his toe this weekend. He was playing tug-of-war with Nova and caught his toe on a wall corner. It hurt a lot at first, but is getting less painful. 

Alex and James went to bed as soon as we got back from the Sister Missionaries' place. 

• This afternoon, Alex had made 2 kinds of (full-size) cheesecake and a quintuple batch of muddy buddies. He took a lot of it to the Sisters. I waited in the car with Nova. Nova is usually content to hang out with me no matter what I'm doing, but this time she was watching the kids interact and share food with the Sisters and she wanted to be part of that action. 
• I've started taking Nova with me on car trips where I don't have to get out of the car. She's a whole lot happier being with me/us than being home without me/us. She's very polite and disciplined in the car. She hops in, scouts the interior for crumbs, then curls herself into a doggie doughnut on one of the seats and goes to sleep. Seriously, folks, we got crazy lucky with this one. And I'm super pleased that she sleeps with James. That gives me a break from 9pm until 6:30am where no human nor animal in the house is needing my attention.

Matthew is currently asleep on a cot in the middle of his room. 

• His loft bed can be too hot/scary/isolating sometimes and then he prefers to sleep closer to the floor. As soon as I had finished reading out loud to Matthew, Bobby came in and tagged me out. We've tweaked the bedtime routine here and there. Some parts are much better now and some parts still have much room for improvement. Matthew does better with a variety of audio books to choose from. This week, I've even started singing to him a little. He said tonight that he thinks the anxiety meds aren't helping anymore. I'll be keeping an eye on that. 

I'm even more tired now. It's getting hard to keep my eyes open. 

• In the midst of trying to get dinner made while Matthew is having a panic attack and James is pointing out one of the extra-crispy (i.e. BURNED!) chik'n patties I had prepared for Matthew's vegetarian version of Chicken Parmesan, and Robert grudgingly clearing the table before setting it for dinner (e.g. "I don't want to do this. Why don't people just clean up their own stuff when they're done with it?!"), Alex asked if I wanted a hug. What I really wanted was for someone to do or give something to me without expecting something back for it, and I said so. In a nice way. I gratefully accepted the hug, though, for what it was: an effort to relieve some of my readily-apparent stress. Then I noticed that Bobby had unloaded and loaded the dishwasher, Alex had started the noodles cooking, Robert said a genuine "thanks" when I pulled out a clean tablecloth for him to use, and Alex and James were actively comforting Matthew through his stress. By the time dinner was on the table, I was feeling significantly better. 

And I'm not ready for Christmas. 

• It occurred to me that Christmas falls at the end of the calendar year, but at the very beginning of winter (winter solstice, Dec 21). Christmas should actually be celebrated at the end of January when we really need something warm and light to look forward to.
• I'm thinking about a lot of things these days. I desperately want to be respected as a mechanic at the bike shop. I feel like I have to prove myself to them again and again. The reality is, though, I'm struggling to accept myself as a mechanic. I want their approval first, then I'll believe it for myself. I recognize that it would be better/healthier for me to go about it the other way 'round. I just don't know how to do that yet.

I hear Robert laughing in his room. His phone is out here with me, so it must be something he's reading. 

There's a faint odor of dog urine coming from the front room. 

• I'm renting a steam cleaner for the carpets tomorrow. Nova is fully potty-trained, except when she's particularly nervous about me being gone. She continues to help our family far more than she messes up, so I'm not complaining, per se, but *sigh* Urinating is better than destroying furniture with her claws, right? Just say yes.