A train trip to Chicago

Matthew asked for us to take a train trip and eat on the train. He also requested that we go to a planetarium. Susan decided that we should combine the two together into one amazing day trip. Last Friday we got on the train mid morning and went up to Chicago,

 

 

took a quick car ride to the planetarium.

 

 

We spent most of the day there, then took a car ride back to the train station.  Bus sadly we cut the transition a little tight and as Susan ran on ahead to try and make sure that the train didn't take off without us a few of the kids got worried (very worried) that Susan was going to leave us. We all made the train and it ended up being a great ride. Even if the train ride home ended up being a bit silly.

Music this week

 This week we had a number of different music performances.  Matthew and James did a piano recital and Alex sang at our churches Christmas party.  The videos are not great, but it does give you an idea of what it is like. Sadly I didn't start at the very beginning for Alex.

Kissing a Reindeer

Well, he's done it. Matthew has "kissed" a reindeer (8 While 8 #4). He said he was hoping for more of a normal kiss...his lips on the reindeer's face...all or nothing...not this casual, fuzzy brushing of lips nonsense...

...we may need to try again...

We also played with friends at the YMCA playground (8 While 8 #3). The Family Pool happened to be open at a convenient time that day, so James and Matthew went for a swim right after getting sweaty on the playground. And, as Matthew's incredible luck would have it, that day was ALSO "Pie at the Y" Day, which meant they each got an enormous piece pumpkin pie under a pile of whipped cream for free. Possibly twice *shhh*. 

8 while 8

Matthew turned 8 in October. He'd like to do something 8 times in the year he's 8 years old. He asked me for ideas. Knowing Matthew, his one and only love language (...and interest...and reason for existing) is quality time with the people he loves. I suggested 8 outings with friends and family. 

He said, "Yes! Wait, what's an outing?"

(See? He only cares that it's with people he loves.)

I explained that outings were activities or field trips or special places to visit. 

"Yes! Yes! Let's do that!"

He had some help from me and James, but the reindeer thing was totally his unprompted idea.

Matthew's 8 while 8 goals (in order of excitement):

1. Take a train somewhere, buy lunch on the train, and do something fun at the destination.

2. Visit a planetarium and see a star show.

3. Play at the YMCA indoor playground with just people we know (aka NOT during Child Watch hours)

4. Kiss a reindeer.

5. Create a geocache.

6. Visit a zoo.

7. Ride on a go kart.

8. Go kayaking.

These birthday goal things are the perfect excuse to do something you've kinda wanted to do for a long time but never really made a priority. When would I ever plan a train ride to somewhere and allow myself to buy lunch on the train?! Never. Not because I don't want it, but because it's so inefficient and more costly and I've never done it before and I didn't know if Bobby or the kids would appreciate the experience and it's just a big hassle to plan things like this. If it's just practical me, I make the excuses and end up skipping the whole hassle.

But, if it's something Matthew really wants to do, and James is totally excited about it, and we have the means and time and energy for it, and I've kinda secretly wanted to do it my whole life, and the family members who don't want to do it are old enough to stay home, then why not?! Let's do it! Make memories. Bring on the quality time.

Some pictures from our recent shenanigans:

The ladybug tree. As we walked home from school earlier this fall, James noticed this tree trunk that was absolutely covered in Mexican Bean Leaf Beetles. They were mostly on the sunny side, but still swarming a week later on a cold and cloudy day. 

Matthew was baptized! He even managed to get it done on his 8th birthday, making it a complete set for the kids in our family. Every single one was baptized on his birthday.  

We love our missionaries!

Erin left us money to do something fun while she was away all month in Texas *sob* James and Matthew chose a trip to the trampoline park. We went on a day the Urbana kids didn't have school, but the rest of the schools were still in session. It was nice and roomy! Matthew made a tower cave in the foam pit. I also have a movie of Matthew sitting on the edge of a giant balloon thingy (you can see part of it in the corner of the above photo) and getting rocketed off when James jumped onto the other side of it. Hilarious. When they switched places, Matthew ran and jumped onto the balloon to try to rocket James off, but ended up bouncing backwards himself. James barely jiggled. Their masses just don't even come close.

This is after an hour at the trampoline park. They get so sweaty! Alex and Robert opted to stay home.

Halloween costumes #1. This is what James and Matthew wore to the ward trunk-or-treat. On Halloween itself, James went as a very classy vampire and Matthew got the sumo wrestler suit.

Sumo Matthew!

Election Day 2022. Our friends the Alveys put on an election for the kids. They got to sample a bunch of different snacks, treats, and beverages and cast votes for their favorites. 

James spotted a classic Rolls Royce!

Robert and Matthew discussing the finer points of peeling the foil from gum wrappers. Aluminum foil is a hot commodity in our house lately.

Harry Potter, Hard Lockdown, Humility

Matthew suddenly decided that Harry Potter books were no longer scary. I read something about brain development...or did I hear it from the Garners?...that about age 8 is when kids really start getting the difference between reality and fiction. Things get a lot less scary when your brain can clearly discern true threats from fictional ones. I may have just made all that up. Don't quote me.

Anyway, Matthew is really enjoying the Harry Potter series for the first time in his life. We've been reading it out loud together, but Matthew and James also listen to it at bedtime. He watched the first movie and loved it! The second movie is PG-13 (bah humbug), but the third is PG (wahoo!) so we'll watch that together once he's finished the third book. 

***************

The high school got an anonymous, but highly specific, threat of violence on Tuesday that caused it to go into hard lockdown. Alex was at lunch in the commons, no teachers around, when the order came down. Rumors spread like crazy, "There's a shooter in the building." "No, I don't hear anything, he must be outside." "They wouldn't put us in hard lockdown if there weren't a clear and present danger."

Within the hour, the restrictions were reduced to soft lockdown and they could go to the rest of their classes that day. By the last period, Alex said most of his classmates had been picked up by parents. It was just him and four other students left with the teacher. 

Investigations by the police, FBI, and school administration all determined that there was no real threat to any of the students or staff on campus at any time. This was the second threatening incident, however, in the last couple weeks, so the superintendent called for a couple e-learning days yesterday and today. Alex has been doing his lessons online. He's enjoyed the change of pace. The work is easier, more time for goofing off, and he gets to make a hot lunch as fancy as he wants it. He also gets a lot of time to hang out with me. He still likes talking to me one-on-one, so he looks forward to that :) Yesterday, in fact, he talked to me for 3 hours straight. Today, it was only a couple of hours. 

Alex suggested we take some of his fancy hot lunch to Sandy. She was really pleased at the gesture! As we got back into the car, Alex said, "This is why I like to make food. It's not about the food, it's about making people smile and seeing them enjoy the things I make. Every time someone tells me how much they liked something, it just makes me want to cook for them more!"

****************

Robert asked me about an algebra problem he got wrong on a test. When I solved it one way, I got the right answer. When I solved it another way, I got the complete wrong answer. But, to me, following the rules I remembered, I couldn't see why that would happen. Both methods were completely valid. I was missing something. I had forgotten something. I didn't like that feeling. I didn't like feeling vulnerable in front of Robert or Bobby in a subject I loved so much. It made me really, really grouchy all of a sudden. After some thought, I realized the grouchiness was a learning opportunity. A chance to experience humility. I confessed out loud (and hopefully in good humor) that I don't enjoy reminders of things I've forgotten, but it happens in life, and I was willing to relearn the thing I had forgotten...

...a little begrudgingly...

...but, the kids are getting older and the problems are getting more complex (school work and life in general). I'm going to have plenty of opportunities to experience vulnerability in front of them. The trick will be staying honest and humble and diligent through these/my learning opportunities. 

*****************

I wrote an email to my friend Rachel the other day. I thought it was a pretty good cross section of my life at this moment, so I'm copying it here. You don't have to read it. This blog post is pretty long already. I just want it here for my own future reference :)

Yesterday, when you asked me what was going on at my house, I could only think of the types of activities you guys do at your house, and since my kids aren't out and about as much as yours and I'm not as driven and meticulous as you are, it felt like not much to talk about. 

But, after some thought, I finally have a satisfactory reply.

I'm doing all the winterizing yard work. Raking leaves, bagging them, and delivering them to the community garden for us to use as mulch next season. I've been doing Erin’s lawn, too, since she's out of town until December. That's a lot of hauling.

I'm working on being more diligent with personal study, exercise, and hygiene. 

Personal Study

Every day, I read a chapter from the Book of Mormon, pray earnestly, and spend some time studying the attributes of Christ in the Preach My Gospel manual. All of this happens when I'm home alone so I can give it my full attention. I also have to force myself to do it before I start my to-do list, or it doesn't get done. I also do it with a full spectrum light because I'm susceptible to S.A.D. All of this takes about 30 min a day.

Exercise 

Three mornings a week I'm scheduled to work out. Sickness and holidays and school emergencies cause me to skip it periodically, but I've been doing alright at least 2 mornings a week since school started. It takes me about 1.5 hours...45 cardio, 45 strength. I can tell I'm getting stronger, even if I still have a muffin top. This week I'm spending more attention on calorie counts. Ballpark numbers, not exact. 

Hygiene

Shower on gym days. That takes diligent effort. It seems like another frustrating expenditure of my precious alone-at-home time, but it doesn't really take that long and I always feel better afterwards. I'm working on a set morning and evening routine that now includes washing my face and taking meds.

I walk the little boys home every day. They rarely have homework. They use their free computer turns and sometimes do the extra work to earn their second. Robert gets home and does his OCD routine: snack, homework, computer turn.

Alex comes home and goes to his room for homework and down time. 

Bobby gets home, makes dinner (Hello Fresh or Food Nanny or something we all love like breakfast or Nachos or Grilled Cheese) and we eat about 6pm. Then Alex goes back to his room and the rest of us play and read and practice piano and do whatever until 7. Then there's the bedtime routine with PJs, toothbrushing, 12-15 verses and explanation from the Book of Mormon, and family prayer. Bobby reads fun stuff to the little guys while I read and discuss the Book of Mormon with Robert in his room. He asked me to do that with him starting a month ago and I really, really like it. Alex showers. We're all done about 7:45. If I don't have an evening activity, A and R come out to play games or chat with me until 8:30. Then Bobby and I go to bed usually about 9:30 or 10.

My evening activities are Guitar Jam on Mondays, Book Group or RS activities on half the Tuesdays, everyone has youth activities on Wed (we have an abbreviated bedtime routine), RS presidency meetings on most Thursdays, Fridays are reserved for Bobby and me, Saturdays are PG13 Movie night. Sunday is games with Bobby, Alex, Robert and me. 

This last week, Robert was moved up to a more challenging math class. He's frustrated that he doesn't know everything, but I'm confident he'll get it. He's been asking me for a little bit of help on his math homework. Mostly just to check his thinking process. 

Also, last week, Robert and the boys took an interest in aluminum foil. They're fascinated with how small they can crush it, using hammers. And they sand it to make it shiny. 

Alex announced that he'd like to dye his hair. He priced it out and decided to wait for Erin to get back from Texas and help him do it himself. Salons charge a lot!

I volunteered to help with the school's Battle of the Books. I'm the only adult with a team of 8 4-5th graders reading a list of books and practicing for a quiz competition at the end of the year. It's only one afternoon a month. 

I'm working on family history again, now that gardening and long rides are done. Made some great progress yesterday just before our call. 

I joined the ward choir (hasn't started yet) and the stake choir (done after Stake Conference this week).

I'm kind of looking for more to focus on, something productive and fulfilling, but the holiday season is upon us.

As a counselor in the RS presidency, I attend weekly Missionary Correlation meetings and all Temple and Family History meetings. I'm trying to get more excited about Missionary work. It's hard. The other counselor manages RS teaching and activities. I feel like I dodged a bullet, there.

This week, I purchased mini bundt cakes from Nothing Bundt Cakes and delivered them to all of the primary leaders, teachers, nursery, and music folks as a thank you for their thankless and isolated and absolutely essential work in Primary. It didn't seem like a large enough gesture. There isn't really a large enough gesture. 

Rand McFarlands memorial was Saturday. I was stressed because I wanted the luncheon to go well.  I shouldn't have worried because three other very capable women had volunteered and the four of us were a dream team. I even had fun! Bobby is Sharon's ministering brother and he's been taking Robert to do the sacrament at their house for the past few months. 

So that's what's been going on at our house this week. It just takes me a day to gather my response 😁 

Susan

Guitar, Books, and Algebra Problems

I was playing my guitar in the living room, trying out a few new songs, when Robert said, "No, Mom, stop. You can't play that one. That song is actually popular and I like it and it's no good on a guitar. You're not allowed to play it." Grouchy.

Hm. Well, I was sort of thinking the same thing as I played it, so I didn't mind giving it up for his comfort. But now I know what I'm going to play at his wedding reception *mwah ha ha haaaaaa*

**************

James, Matthew, and I went to the library on Saturday. As we drove home through the fall leaves with the windows down and smiling, James said, "I just love days like this."

I thought he was talking about the quality time together and the beautiful sunshine and such. 

He continued, "I love having a whole bag of new books and just going home to sit on the couch and read the rest of the day."

Well, that's pretty awesome, too. It made the weekend quieter for everyone. Fast Sunday wasn't nearly as contentious as it usually is. The boys just read and read and read.

***************

Robert has just been moved up to 8th grade Algebra this week. They had him in advanced 7th grade math, but it wasn't challenging him at all. His first day in Algebra was a wake-up call. The teacher was talking about slopes and y-intercepts and he had no idea what was going on. His teacher sent him home with a few worksheets. They were exams the class had already taken this semester. She told him to do what he could and they could work on the bits he didn't know. Robert guarded these worksheets jealously and wouldn't even let me see them. He asked me about slopes and y-intercepts at dinner and Bobby and I were able to explain it to his satisfaction.

Algebra is my favorite math. I love it. It's like a logic puzzle that follows a certain set of rules. You don't have to be brilliant, just diligent, and it's fun! This morning, before Robert woke up, I saw his stack of worksheets on the table. I leafed through them. To his credit, he was able to grind through 3/4 of the problems using his own intrinsic reasoning skills. I was thoroughly impressed. I couldn't even begin to comprehend how he had solved the problems, but his answers were correct. I noticed, however, that one very simple and very important concept would have made all the problems much, much easier to solve. And would allow him to easily solve all the problems he couldn't grind through on his own. He just hadn't been exposed to that concept yet. 

After he got up, I casually offered to teach him that concept. He loudly refused, saying the test was to show what he knew, and since he didn't know that, it wouldn't be representative. He also insisted that if I helped him solve a problem, then he would only know how to solve that problem, not others like it, so he didn't want to give the teacher the impression that he understood a concept when he really didn't. I backed off. Why poke a grouchy bear? But he was curious. He did want to know the concept. I wanted to teach him the concept. So when he asked me to show him, I did. Unfortunately, because I'm me, I learn and teach better with specific examples. Unfortunately, because he's him, using one of his worksheet problems as a specific example was not okay and he was furious that I had shown him how to solve that problem. Even though I had demonstrated on a seperate piece of paper. 

**An optional side note here**

He's so. stinking. literal. 

And he feels perpetually misunderstood (or much better informed) than pretty much everyone except his teachers and Alex.

And he is filled with righteous indignation towards those who disagree with him or don't interpret a word/sentence/situation the exact same way that he does. He will lecture you on how you were wrong this time and dictate how you can do better next time. As a service to you. "Because," he reasons, "if roles were reversed, I would want to know about my mistake."

*big sigh* 

And I tend to work best in an ishy-squishy landscape where things are grey, not black and white...I feel like I have more to learn than to dictate...I presume that most people are doing the best with what they've got and will figure out some important things without constant badgering (Because, if roles were reversed, I learn better from my experience, not a heavy handed lecture)...and I believe that resolving misunderstandings requires diligence ("How do you see it?"), not brilliance ("If you could just see how I'm right, then there wouldn't be a misunderstanding anymore!"). 

Sometimes I feel like Robert will disagree or take issue with anything that comes out of my mouth, even if I'm saying something he asked for. If I give him the short, easy answer, he asks further questions and gets progressively more exasperated and angry at me for not being more specific in the first place. If I give him the long, detailed, more specific and accurate answer, he gets mad at me for muddying up the waters because he just wanted a simple yes or no.

Every time he asks a question, he has a single, very specific, very literal meaning in mind. My initial interpretations of his questions are right maybe 10% of the time. If I answer off the cuff, 90% of the time I interpret the wrong meaning and I get lectured for not understanding a simple question. If I hold my answer and ask him questions to clarify which exact interpretation he's envisioning, he gets frustrated and I get lectured for not understanding a simple question. This happens every day. It can be any kind of question ranging from the mundane to the metaphysical.

So, I stay calm. I keep a low, steady tone. I bristle at the lectures, but I don't lecture him about it. I say something simple like, "You already told me this." "I get it." "Why are you mad at me?" "I'm trying to understand." 

It occurs to me now that I *should* say, "Let's come back to this when we're both calm."

**Back to the story**

He said now he only knew how to solve that problem and my help did nothing. I suggested that I had taught him a concept, not an answer, and that he could test his understanding on one of the other worksheet problems. He pursed his lips and narrowed his eyes (that's as close as I get to an "Oh, okay, that makes sense" from this kid) and he waited until I left to try it out.

Three minutes later, he had me check one of his attempts, which was perfect, (that's as close to a "thanks" as I get from this kid) and then he lectured me on how to teach him concepts in the future without specific examples...Keep it abstract. Just the underlying principles. He'll do all the specific application on his own. 

You're welcome. 

Fall Hike

After a cold snap, the weather warmed up for the weekend. James and I were too sick Friday night to camp as planned *sob* but it turned out for the best. I ended up taking Matthew to convenient care for a chest x-ray Saturday morning, and then taking him to the ER freakishly early Sunday morning for an ear infection that was TOTALLY undetectable that morning by the previous doctor!! *sigh*

Sunday afternoon, though, Matthew's ear was feeling better and the weather was perfect for a fall leaf walk. I took whomever would join me and we drove out to Homer Lake Forest Preserve. It was great! We paused for a selfie. 

I love how Matthew is hugging James and James is pretending to be weirded out by it. Seriously, folks, what would our family be without either one of these guys? In-com-plete. 

Alex and Robert opted to stay home. As much as I would have loved to have them along, it's just different with a smaller group. We walked and played and discovered things at the boys' pace: finding a steak knife in a tree stump, throwing osage oranges into the lake, collecting hickory nuts and giant sycamore leaves, playing on a playground swing, naming car brands we saw as we drove, and getting some casual chat time together without interruption from other folks :)

Longest Blog Post Ever

Hi all, I feel like it's been FOREVER since I blogged, but it's only been a month or so. Whew. 

A lot has happened. A lot. Mostly good. I'll just give updates by person and add pictures as desired.

ALEX

Crazy kid. He split up with his best friend of 3 years and decided that some things weren't as important to him as before. First off, high school musicals. He's going to try community theater next semester. Secondly, A Cappella group. Those early mornings were killer. Both of those interests were initiated when Alex and Ky became friends. 

Alex spends more time on homework now. He's less anxious (is it the new meds, the different friend situation, or just being a sophomore?). He still has moments where he feels overwhelmed and paralyzed with indecision (usually when something doesn't happen according to plan) but he's got a good head on his shoulders and a growing sense of independence and self-efficacy (i.e. an individual's belief in his or her capacity to execute behaviors necessary to produce specific performance attainments). For example, when the weather turned too cold to bike comfortably to school, Alex decided he would take the bus. We had discussed the bus as a cold-day option earlier in the year, but he rejected it outright as too complicated to work out. Well, he figured it out! He walked to the stop at the appointed time and waited. And waited. And waited. No bus. He walked home in a rush just as I was walking the little boys to school. Since this didn't go according to plan, Alex started to panic. He didn't know what to do. I didn't have time to help him brainstorm alternatives right then, so I gave him the three options I saw: walk, ride his bike, or wait at home until I get back to give him a ride. He was too panicky and overwhelmed at the moment to make a decision, and I had to keep walking the boys or they'd be late, so I left before I knew what was going to happen. When I got home, Alex wasn't there and his bike was gone. He figured it out!! When he got home that afternoon, he told me he actually got to school and to his first class JUST as the bell rang. He was kinda proud of himself. As he should be!! This crazy kid is SO much more capable than he gives himself credit for. 

Did I tell you that Alex has pet rats? He purchased a bonded pair of female adolescents from the Humane Society around his birthday this year (named Thor and Loki). Unfortunately, and completely unexpectedly, Loki died a couple months ago. Alex was devastated. We were all very sad. We buried her outside Alex's bedroom window. Alex was concerned, then, that Thor would then die of loneliness. He worked hard to earn money to buy a new rat, which he was able to do a couple weeks ago. This new rat is a baby Dumbo Rat. She's got big, big ears. She's friendly and curious and comfortable with people. Her name is Korg.

Alex has a new group of friends he spends time with. His previous best friend is ignoring him now :( And none of the other people he knew from previous years seem to be interested in talking to him either. It was a rough first couple weeks of school. He's made a few new friends since then. His two closest friends are on the autism spectrum and he's been spending time with a freshman boy I'll call S. Alex will go with S after school to the game shop near the high school and play games. He's developing an interest in Pokemon, which S excels at and plays competitively. Erin and I actually got to meet S at the Pride Parade last month. S was supposed to be at a Pokemon Tournament, but it was cancelled last minute, so he came to Pride to hang out with Alex instead. He's respectful and mild and so, so clearly of Alex's generation. The way they spoke to each other felt almost like a foreign language to me. Erin and I felt like dead weight so we said our goodbyes and left them to hang out the rest of the afternoon. Alex tells me they skipped rocks at Boneyard Creek and played games at the game shop. 

The Pride Parade itself was a good experience. I don't agree with every sentiment expressed, but the energy was palpable. I especially felt for the transgender folks. Gay folks only really stand out if they want to. Trans folks can't blend in as well. This was the one day and place where trans folks could stand in line for Kona Ice or browse vendor stalls or attend a large public parade like every other human being and not fear rejection or stares or outright prejudice. Isn't that what we all want? To be safe and free outside of our own homes? 

Alex has been spending his Sunday afternoons cooking for the sister missionaries in our ward. It's probably his favorite part of the whole weekend. He'll take the two hours that we're at church and just cook up a storm. It started out as sweet treats, but he's branching out into entrees. Last week was homemade mac and cheese and rainbow cupcakes with toasted coconut topping. The week before was chicken noodle soup with HOMEMADE noodles, french bread, and a dessert I can't quite remember... Anyway, he cooks Sunday afternoon and then we go deliver it to them Sunday evening. Alex ends up talking to them at their front door for 30-45 minutes every time. We have the sisters over every week for a lesson. The older Alex gets, the closer and closer these missionaries get to his age. And even as missionaries transfer out and transfer in, the spirit and love they carry with them remains the same. Alex feels safe and loved with them. 

At school, Alex is doing alright. His Advanced Child Development class just got a whole lot more interesting now that they're running a preschool. Alex has been assigned to work with a single child, D, whom he adores, but he's so comfortable and natural with kids that the other kids tend to gravitate towards him, too.

ROBERT

Robert won't wear pants. He didn't wear them last winter, either. Or the winter before that, I don't think. He wears shorts instead :) He insists he's not cold and he likes shorts better. 

Robert talks to me a ton, but he doesn't talk to me about his life in the same great detail that Alex does. None of my kids do. So, this update is going to feel really, really unbalanced. Sorry. I'll do my best, but I can't share what they don't share with me.

Since Alex was very young, the kids' bedtime has always been 7pm. That's when we do pajamas and toothbrushing and scriptures and family prayer. Then there's story reading and personal prayer with the youngest two in their room. Most nights, the kids are all in their rooms by 7:30 or 7:45pm. They stay up later than that, of course, but they're in their rooms reading or drawing or listening to stories on CD. We've been spoiled, actually, that this has been the pattern for 15 years. It was Robert who finally changed things up. We told Alex when he was 12 or 13 that he was old enough to stay out with us until 8:30. He didn't want to. Robert recently mentioned that he gets really bored in his room after bedtime. He's never tired before 9pm. We let him stay out with us until 8:30pm one night, then Alex decided he wanted to stay out in the evenings, too. The funny thing is, they only want to stay out if I'm there and able to play games with them. They don't want to be out here just to be out here. That's weird, they tell me. They only stay out to get more social time with ME uninterrupted by the needs of James and Matthew. Bobby will play games with us too, which I love, because there's less opportunity for the kids to play with him during the day. James is bitterly jealous (Matthew is often asleep within minutes of getting into bed), but he'll have his day. He'll make sure of that.

Lately, I've been reading scriptures with Robert in his room after bedtime, too. He's a funny kid. He's made me laugh out loud so many times. We read scriptures together, I explain things, we both ask questions and talk about it. There's a lot of other conversation in there, too. Robert shares things with me in that time that he doesn't want to share in public. He's a much more private guy than Alex ever was. I won't share those things here, of course, out of respect for him, but that just means there will be less written about him in total. And I'm kinda sad about that :(

The other day, after Robert and Alex were commiserating over their math and english classmates taking so long to understand new concepts, I asked Robert if maybe he regretted not skipping 7th grade english this year. His 6th grade teacher said he'd easily do well and would find a more interesting challenge if he skipped straight to 8th grade english this year. In response to my question, Robert said, "No, I don't regret it. You know what I realized? How much I like a subject has more to do with the teacher than the subject itself." I could have kissed him on the spot. What a realization! I wish I had realized that in 7th grade *ugh*. He explained that he really liked english last year with that 6th grade teacher. He tried harder and did more with her. Now his english teacher is "meh" and he's not as thrilled about the work. They seem to spend a lot of time developing vocabulary. That's fine for him, though, because he can quickly complete the assignment and homework in class and STILL have time to play games on his school-issued chromebook before the bell rings. 

He told us, though, that the school-issued chromebooks have a drawback. Teachers can see all the tabs that students have open at any point in time. Robert said that his social studies teacher keeps closing down all of his online gaming tabs even when he's not in her class! Even when he has permission to play games in another class, she can swoop in and shut him down. We all laughed pretty hard at that. He just keeps reopening them, of course, because he's a strict rule follower and she doesn't know the rules in other classes. He's not the only student she's been closing tabs on, either. I'm proud of her for doing that. Even if Robert has permission to play games in class, does he really need to? Should he?

Robert's been taking health this semester. And because he's such a strict rule follower, each of the subjects his health teacher covers becomes the most important thing for him to work on that week. Or worry about, as the case may be. The units on flesh-eating bacteria and Ebola were a real hoot. May he never have to watch another terrifying video to scare him into taking infectious diseases seriously. This boy takes everything seriously. He had a unit on healthy eating and he's asked me to work with him to eat a better balance. It's hard to chip through the "good food" "bad food" mantra, but Robert seems to be getting it now: food isn't intrinsically good or bad so much as the quantity and variety consumed. I could get on my soapbox about this, but, well, that wouldn't be about Robert anymore :)

Robert is a great video game partner for me. I like cooperative games, which means things go a lot better when your teammate is about the same skill level as you are. He's got a great brain for strategy and statistics. He's also quick with the hand-eye coordination. And he'll play my favorite games with me even when he doesn't necessarily like to play them. While he excels in all those areas, he can sometimes be a little harsh or judgemental while playing with me. I let him know when he's crossed a line or when it's no longer fun for me. He's getting it. Slowly, but surely. I really, really like to play video games with him.

The other day, Robert and I were driving down Windsor and we saw a young family panhandling on the corner. A couple days earlier, we had seen a different young family in the exact same spot with the exact same sign asking for help. Thanks to James' urging, we had given that first family grocery bags full of food and supplies. I turned to Robert and balked, "Look! Another young family asking for help. I wonder if the first family told them this was a good corner to stand on. Do we give them food and supplies, too, or is it better not to encourage this?" Robert scoffed, "Why would the fact that it's a different family make us want to help them any less?" He was absolutely right. We put together more supplies and delivered them to another very grateful young family.

JAMES

James just turned 10 years old!! I asked him if he'd like to make a "10" goal of some sort. He decided on camping. He wants to take 10 camping trips during the year he's 10. I was game. Matthew was delighted. Bobby, Alex, and Robert are glad to stay home. Our first camping adventure was last weekend. There's an app like VRBO and AirBnB that allows landowners to rent out campsites on their own land. It's called HipCamp. We ended up at a farm about an hour southwest of us. It was awesome. We all loved the animals. We loved the flush toilet and running water, too :) James got to ride a horse named Belle who had the most entertaining habit of flatulating every time she ran. He also got to snuggle farm kitties and feed farm dogs. James campfire-roasted and ate 3 whole hot dogs in rapid succession. Camping makes you hungry, y'know? The little boys made a nest of pillows and blankets and sleeping bags in the back of our van and slept very well, even through the bitter wind and pretty constant rain all night. Things cleared up in the morning, but it was cold. When James got out of the van to use the bathroom, one of the farm dogs jumped in and laid down in our warm, soft bed nest. Can't blame her. 

One farm kitty was SO friendly, he jumped right into our car tent and got comfy.

Orange slices are great for camping!

Very, very friendly (and presumptuous) kitty. I was squatting there and he jumped right up onto my folded arms and settled in.

James riding Belle on the lead. 

The kitty almost fell asleep in James. Made him so happy.

This is how Matthew felt about riding Belle.

Roasting marshmallows. This was just before the kitty came and curled up in his lap. Seriously, that kitty made this whole camping trip a lot more fun.

We are scheduled to camp again this weekend. It'll be our last camp this year. Getting too cold. We'll start again in May, probably, with 2 more spring campouts, then one every other week all throughout the summer. I'm looking forward to it, actually, because James LOVES it so much. He just plain loves outside and animals and camping. It's always a fun adventure with him. 

James has had a fear that's been keeping him up at night, making him afraid to fall asleep. A few weeks ago, it was the idea that a creepy clown would be in our backyard looking in through the window at him. I suggested we close his curtains, but he said that was worse because then he wouldn't be able to check that there was no clown, y'know? And last week, he told me that now he's afraid of being kidnapped. I believe him. James has had a fear like this for years. That's one reason he was so excited to get a loft bed a couple years ago. First off, nothing could hide under it. Secondly, if a monster came into the room to eat them, Matthew would be readily seen and eaten while James would be harder to find and possibly overlooked. Maybe the monster wouldn't be hungry enough for two kids, right? James now sleeps in his closet. I told you that before, right? We moved his mattress into his closet and he turned it into the softest, most perfect nest a kid could wish for. He's used every blanket in the house and every spare pillow. It's dreamy. I can't allow myself to lie in it very long or I'll want to stay forever. Well, he's created something like a barricade at the door now. It's too scary to actually close the closet door, but he'll lean cushions and pillows up against the frame that make it harder to see who's lying down inside. Usually about 9pm, he'll come out of his room and say that he can't fall asleep because he's too scared. Bobby or I will go back and sit in his room (out of sight) until he falls asleep. We'd like to change this routine, but no great ideas have struck us yet. 

James is still progressing in piano. He doesn't like it. He likes it when the song is learned. He has zero interest in switching to a different instrument in 5th grade (like Alex did), so he's just going to plow through it until he gets as far as Robert did just before Covid hit. 

James sings a lot. He's always got a tune in his head. Lately, he's had an interest in sea shanties. Alex showed us one sea shanty that was getting a lot of attention on TikTok ("Wellerman" by Nathan Evans). We liked it, so we started listening to others. Most of them are "meh" but a couple of them really grabbed James' attention. He likes "The Flying Dutchman" by The Jolly Rogers and "Drunken Sailor" by The Longest Johns. They're both fantastic stories told in verse. The other day I was playing my guitar play list and he got attached to "The L and N Don't Stop Here Anymore" by Jean Ritchie. It's about a boy growing up in a town that used to be rich with coal and coal money, but now the coal mine is shut down and everyone is broke.

We went to get pumpkins at the pumpkin patch a couple weekends ago. Everyone got to choose a pumpkin, but James spent some of his birthday money to get 2 more. One is a long, snaky, green gourd and the other is a dark red and green turban squash. He's waaaaay into carving pumpkins. The hardest part is waiting until Halloween. Our cut pumpkins tend to rot within a couple days :(

The pumpkin patch with friends!

Speaking of purchasing plants with his birthday money, James' beloved cactus has finally kicked the bucket. Mr. Spinetop was a unique and well-loved member of our family ever since James brought him home after his 6th birthday. Rest in peace, Spiny, you outlived every single pet and chicken we have owned up to this point.

James spends a lot of time at school drawing fantastic scenes and imaginary creatures. He finishes his classwork much faster than his classmates and spends the extra time drawing on the back of his worksheets. 

He titled this one "Research Facility".

Dude. Since when is Christmas about a monster in the basement that we feed?

His grade gets chromebooks, too, but they don't get to take them home. The other day, James' teacher noticed that some kids had learned a tricky way to change their screen background, which was clearly against the rules. She confiscated the chromebooks brought the offenders to her desk, and gave them a stern talking-to. James slunk down in his chair and hid his screen...he had changed his background, too, but didn't get caught. He was relieved and felt bad all at once. He tells me that he told his teacher about it the next day. She said that his honesty was very much appreciated and that he wouldn't have his chromebook taken away. He was glad he didn't get a stern talking-to, either, because that would have been SO embarrassing.

The Primary Program this year was tricky for James. He somehow accidentally volunteered for a small group singing solo. James asked if I would excuse him from the program altogether. I said he'd have to sit up there with all the other kids but if he wanted out of the singing part, he'd have to talk to his primary leader himself. I offered to get her attention for him. He declined. It took him a couple weeks, but finally he asked me to get her attention. He told her that he didn't want to do the small group part. She said that was fine. What a relief! James sang throughout the entire program and gladly stayed in his seat when the small group went up for "As I Have Loved You"  :) 

This boy has a love for car brands I just don't understand. He likes to point them out as we're driving. He wants to know which ones are consumer brands, luxury, sport, off-road, etc. He has a few favorites, especially the Mclaren brand. It's a super high end sports car thingy. Well, we were driving along one day and waiting at a stop light when he shouts, I think that's a Mclaren! It's in that parking lot!" He was all of a dither from that moment until we could come back an hour later to check. He was right. There was a Mclaren in our city and HE spotted it.

He told me after this, "That was my life goal to see a Mclaren. I have nothing left to live for. Huh."

MATTHEW

Matthew! My little buddy. Not one who enjoys being alone. I might call him an extrovert, but a very, very shy one. Mostly he likes to be with people he already knows. His 8th birthday is coming up and since we only do friend parties every 4 years, this is one of those years. He was so excited! He said, "Yay! I get to have a friend party!" Then he paused and said, "Wait. I don't have any friends." He wasn't sad about it. He was simply stating a fact. The kid has friends that he plays with at school. I asked him about that. He said that since our families don't know each other, it would be weird to invite them and their parents probably wouldn't let them come anyway. What kind of a world has this kid grown up in?! Oh yeah, Covid. "We only play with people who are known and safe." We've loosened up a lot since then, but Matthew doesn't seem to have seen the memo.

Matthew enjoys playing cooperative video games. He's particularly fond of Human Fall Flat, Unraveled 2, and most recently a game called Biped. All three games require you to work with a partner to solve puzzles. A couple of them have very tricky controls as you work to maneuver the characters individual limbs. He likes to team up with me because I don't yell at him to "hurry up" or "do it this way" or "get it right already." He's quick to learn some things I struggle with and he's more of a risk taker than I am, so we're evenly matched. These cooperative games are great that way. 

Tender-hearted as ever, Matthew emotionally connects to things in almost no time. He found a pink scrap of foam on the playground last month. As we walked home that day, he showed it to me and said this was his new emotional friend. He was going to draw a face on it and make it some clothes and it would be so cute! This happens routinely for Matthew. He was drawing on the back of a worksheet waiting for his classmates to finish up and he happened to draw a person that was soooo sweet and cute that he couldn't help but rub his cheek on it and whisper to it quietly. He told me he was glad the other kids were too occupied to hear or notice his affection. He draws this person all the time now. I think he named him Bob. 

This is Bob, Matthew's special baby. Sometimes he has a top hat, sometimes he wears a star on his shirt. "His skin is brown and his hair is an afro," he says. He's learning to sew so he can make a 3-D version.

More than once, James or Robert has shown him a leaf or rock or random broken piece of something and he says, "Don't keep showing it to me or it will become my emotional friend and I'll be sad if anything happens to it." And it's true. It's 100% true. 

"I love hugging trees!"

In an effort to help, James taught Matthew how to destroy something before he got too attached to it. That's totally James' style, not Matthew's.

He loves the first Harry Potter book. Actually, he loves the first half of the first Harry Potter book. We never seem to read any further than that before moving on to other things. 

Buddies

Matthew is just as excited about James' camping goal as James is. He's especially excited that most of the time it will be only me, James, and him. I agree that it's the perfect combination to optimize camping joy because they:  

• Get along well 
• Enjoy similar activities
• Are physically small
• Don't eat much
• Aren't terribly picky about comfort
• Are still in awe of the natural world

Matthew is very much the youngest in a den of puppies. There's a distinct pecking order. He's getting better at holding his own, but honestly has very little power in most sibling interactions. Maybe that's why I tend to take his view of things more often. 

Buddies in crime.

The Primary Program was kinda scary for Matthew. He freaked out at the idea of saying something into a microphone that EVERYONE would be able to hear. The week before the Primary Program, when they would be practicing their actual speaking parts in the chapel, Matthew decided that he didn't want to participate anymore. I told him the same thing as James. I'd get the leader's attention, but he'd have to do all the talking. He told her that he didn't want to say his part. I didn't hear her response because I was rushing off to conduct Relief Society. After church, he told me the leader assured him it was ultimately his choice, but she wanted him to try. They were both really excited and proud that he chose to practice his part into the microphone TWICE that day. He did end up speaking during the program and did a great job. All smiles.

SUSAN

Always projects. Always...

I'm excited for my summer garden and the community garden to die so I can get going on some other things. 

The cycling season has also fizzled out until spring. 

Buffalo, New York!

Oil City, Pennsylvania!

I like planning future cycling trips, though. We're finalizing one for Spring Break (NC and SC) and just started deliberating on another one in late June (WY and probably MT). Now that it's too cold to cycle outdoors, I've gone back to more traditional workouts at the gym. I quickly learned that all those miles of cycling did very little for my cardiac fitness. I guess I wasn't riding hard enough to challenge it. So, back to running. And I had been using the machines to do strength but never got sore the next day. I clearly didn't know how to use them properly. I went back to old fashioned push ups, planks, and lunges and whammo! all the soreness returned. It's pain with a purpose. If I do the work, I'll get the benefits. 

One year, I stopped eating treats just before Halloween all the way to Thanksgiving. Or was it Christmas? That was one of my favorite Halloweens ever. None of that hemming and hawing about whether to eat candy and how much and what kind. When there's an enormous supply, that's a decision I end up making a dozen times a day, and I never feel better after eating candy. It's just a band-aid to cover up poor sleep or stress, not actually improving the root problem. So, I'm doing that again this year. At least for Halloween.

I have also decided to straighten my teeth. The front ones keep wearing on each other in a weird way and the rotation is just getting more and more severe with age. I didn't want to do it alone, though, so I asked Alex and Robert if they'd want to join me. Alex said, "Sure. That will help me brush and floss more regularly." I know for a fact that orthodontics will NOT get him to brush and floss more regularly, but his acting aspirations also played a part in his choice. I start Invisalign in late November and Alex starts sometime in December. We'll both need about 2 years of treatment.

I put together another round of goody bags for panhandlers. We distributed 11 last year. This year I made 13. The bags contain baby wipes, tissues, big band aids, chap stick, fruit bars, knit gloves, a high protein shake, and a fleece neck warmer/gaiter. We hand them out to anyone we see asking for help along the road. 

James' camping goal has been fun. We'll be staying in an earthen hut tomorrow night. There will be beds and a roof and walls, but no heat, no water, and only a single composting toilet down by the lake. It still counts as camping ;)

The younger boys had a "Parents Day" a couple weeks ago. I got to join them in their classes for a small activity. In Matthew's class, we did a graphing activity with M&Ms. In James' class, we did a leaf hunt and leaf rubbings. Both kids were so excited to see me at their school! I know that changes eventually, and that's okay. I've seen how my older kids love and appreciate me in other ways. It's not that I want my kids to adore me. I want them to trust me. And I want to be a part of their life. 

This is the first year, I think, that James and Matthew are a racial minority in their classrooms. I like that. I wonder what they'll take from it.

One of our kids has been worried about whether there's any life after death. In my efforts to help him, I've gleaned so much more out of the scriptures, my personal experiences, and the experiences of others. I was forced to assess what I truly believed and bear testimony of it. It was a powerful experience. So much so that when I had an interview to renew my temple recommend, I could answer with an affirmation more meaningful than ever before that yes, I have a personal testimony of Jesus Christ as my Savior. I have a personal testimony that His gospel has been restored. And I have a testimony that there are prophets and seers on the earth today guided by Him. And I believe there is an afterlife. No doubt.

BOBBY

Bobby continues to work hard for our family. He tells me the managers at work keep pushing for more, which is frustrating and annoying. Nothing he can't handle, though. He's keeping to regular work hours and taking vacation days as desired. He's exercising regularly and making progress on his goals, too. He has been called to the High Council at church. We're still learning what that entails, but so far it seems to be more meetings and some Sunday traveling and giving talks :) Not much of a surprise there. The kids are old enough that Sunday mornings aren't as painfully hectic as they used to be. 

Last night, Bobby was sleeping on the couch in the living room. I've been sick this week and sickness makes me a much louder sleeper, so I offered to spare him and sleep on the couch. He said it was his night to be on-call with the kids anyway, so I should keep the bed. Sweet man. I slept pretty well. He, however, was awakened several times. Once by Alex hunting for his rat who had escaped from his enclosure that day and once by the rat herself who had climbed up his blanket and started crawling on him while he slept. She slipped away, though, just as he woke up enough to try and catch her. This morning, Bobby knocked on Alex's door to tell him that he was visited by Korg last night and just as Alex opened the door, he saw Korg's head peek around the corner in James and Matthew's room. Perfect timing! They chased her into James' nest of a bed. The whole family gathered around as Alex took off one blanket, then another, then another to try and find Korg. Alex found her, but she slipped away at the last second and Alex decided he needed to get ready for school or he'd be late. James and Matthew hopped in to take Alex's place. Within a few seconds, James yells, "There she is! I got her!" and the rat was immediately moved to a more secure enclosure. Whew. 

Bobby makes great dinners. He's mindful of our kids' preferences and always has the meal ready on time or early. I like being his sous chef cuz' he's pretty darn organized in the kitchen. And he's cute. And smart. And he's got this smile I just can't get enough of. And we talk about things. And it doesn't feel like a chore when we're doing it together. 

The whole family has enjoyed the big gaming computer Bobby built last summer. We purchase games online through a company called Steam. He also has a Steam Deck, which plays the same games but on a portable device. 

Bobby, like Robert, is kind of a private guy. He doesn't talk to me often about his thoughts and life outside the home, so I don't have much more to say here. 

School Year #11

This fall marks the 11th school year for me as a mom. Well, maybe the 13th if you count preschool.

Anyway, some school things are old hat and many of the things the older kids are going through are totally new. Nothing stays the same. Just when I get a handle on the current situation, it changes again, pretty much since the day Alex was born. So, I can't really get better at my job. I just get used to learning something new and hard all the time. Wheee!

When my anxiety "echo" started mid-to-late August, I initially thought it was solely due to Alex's coming out, but as the days went by, I realized that I was more anxious about my time at home without the kids than anything else. I felt an enormous weight to fill that time with something. What do I do with myself after years of spending myself on my kids? I didn't know what or how to choose. After much thought and conversation with friends and family, I realize that I was paralyzed with the expectation that this time should be used for something important and meaningful...the next chapter of my life...my new purpose as a human being on this planet.

I remember my first purpose in life was to get through K-12 so I could go to college.

My second purpose was to attend college and gain the education (and maybe spouse??) that would propel me into the adult world.

My third purpose, since the spouse thing worked out, was to grow and mature until I/we were ready for kids. Grad school filled that space nicely.

My fourth purpose was to be a mom to very young children. I dove in head first and gave it everything.

My fifth and current purpose is to be a mom to school-aged kids and teenagers. It's very different from the young children routine. Even with all 4 kids in full day school, my current purpose consumes 75-80% of my time and energy. I use that little bit of wiggle room to meet more of my own needs and focus on other relationships. I exercise more. I communicate with my mom and siblings more. I volunteer doing things I love. I clean the house more. I serve others more. 

And sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting around for my kids to grow up.

Is this a midlife crisis? 

And then I think of Alex with all that raw potential. He can go just about anywhere and do just about anything after high school. No one to worry about but himself, able to reinvent himself at any moment, try new things. My sister Heidi reminded me that this stage of life also comes with heaps of uncertainty. I didn't like that feeling back then. All I wanted was security. But now...immersed in security and control and comfort...

I'm getting antsy.

Deep down, I *want* to add something more to my life and do something totally different. I want to become a bike mechanic so I can fix my own bike. And a pharmacy technician who knows biochemistry and drug interactions. I want to ride the Great American Rail Trail. I want to spend a summer working at a lodge in Alaska with my sisters. And take a year to dig wells in Africa. I want to try a European river cruise. I want someone else in my family to learn massage therapy and practice on ME. I want to start a small-group guitar ensemble. And work at a farm plowing and mowing and weeding crops, caring for livestock.

None of these things fit into my 20-25% energy flexibility. Will they ever fit? Even with an empty nest? I am anchored to this place and these people. And this place and these people mean more to me than any of those other things.

So, what do I do? What is my next great purpose? What could possibly drive me forward from now to the end of my life?!

This must be a midlife crisis. 

Then I remembered something someone said about humans tending to reinvent themselves about every 7 years. I looked back at my life...the pattern works for me, anyway.

What would I like the next 7 years to be like? That's a lot less intimidating than choosing something to do until I die.

Maybe this coming 7 years can be the bike mechanic part? I've got 40 more states to ride in before I'm 50 and bike mechanic skills will come in reeeeeeeeal handy. Especially if I need to disassemble and reassemble my bike every time I fly to a riding location. 

And Heidi mentioned something else that made me happy. She told me about a retiree who worked for a temp agency. He was happily retired, but when he wanted a little extra cash for his next great adventure, he'd take on temp work. He'd earn what he wanted, quit, and go have fun. His work was a means to an end, not the end itself. 

What do I feel I need to have a full, happy, and meaningful life? It's not a job. But, maybe a job now and then will help me achieve the "rich" life I'm looking for. 

Still thinking about it. 

Anxiety Echo

The initial depression I was feeling when I wrote the entry "5 Things" has grown into an anxiety flare-up. Alex came out to us just before my birthday last year. That was really hard. So, I guess having my birthday and preparing for the new school year cued my body to remember the intense emotions and stress of last summer. That couple days of mild depression sharpened into tension/fear upon waking and then the unrelenting emotional "buzz" in my brain/body that "something is wrong, something is wrong, you don't know what it is but it's scary and real and coming any second." 

Thankfully, the buzz has remained largely in the background. It hasn't been too terribly difficult to make myself do the things I need to do. Cutting out gluten has helped with the nausea and the meds are clearly helping with mood regulation. When I think of something that would normally send a wave of panic throughout my body, there's nothing. I have a chance to back away from it. Such a relief.

I was thinking a couple weeks ago that the anxiety was so well controlled that I might want to try and cut back on the second medication my doctor prescribed last year. I'm glad I talked myself out of that. 

I feel like the anxiety echo has plateaued for now. Some days are better than others, of course, and it makes me sleepy, but it's okay for now. 

This last weekend, I got to fly to Houston as part of an 80th birthday surprise for my mom. More about this later. It was a GREAT trip. The anxiety was present, but manageable. I wasn't anxious about flying. At all. That's not how my anxiety works. My anxiety springs from the feelings that I am 1) personally responsible for others' happiness and 2) obliged to meet others' expectations of me. Traveling to Houston is easy peasy compared to that! My calming mantra goes something like this: 

"I am not responsible for making so-and-so have a good time."

"I don't have to sparkle. I am enough just the way I am."

"I don't need to cure/solve all hurt or injustice. Supporting someone through it is enough."

As I say these things to myself, I imagine the weight of those burdens lifting and floating away.

My physical calming routine includes a good, deep breath followed by a deliberate unclenching of all the muscles in my body. Especially my jaw and shoulders.

I have a specific list of self-care tasks that I force myself to do every morning (take morning meds, eat breakfast, use the bathroom, get dressed, wash my face, put in contacts, brush teeth, floss, read scriptures, and pray) and bedtime (put on pajamas, take evening meds, wash face, brush teeth, take out contacts, use the bathroom, and pray).

These mantras and routines help me 1) manage my anxiety on a daily basis and 2) feel human during an anxiety flare-up.

So, while I'm not exactly comfortable today, I am okay. Who knows how I would be feeling today without those measures in place?!