Finally Feeling Something

It's been a long December. My life has been full to overflowing "doing things for" and "spending time with" the people (and pets) that I love.

The reality of middle-aged life with four kids in school, though, is that those things I do and the minutes I spend don't always come when I'm well-rested and ready. It's a school project that I didn't hear about until the night before. It's a long, emotionally-charged conversation after bedtime. It's sitting by a child taking two hours to finish one stinking word search worksheet. It's a child who just can't calm down to sleep. For hours. It's taking the kids on Nova's walks and on errands because they just want to spend time with me. It looks like getting all my winter gear on to work on bikes in the unheated garage...alone...and the kids opening the door every 10 seconds coming in and out, checking on me with a question or a request or some kind of crisis that requires my immediate attention in the house. Even Nova desperately wants to be in the garage with me, but doesn't like the cold, and will sit at the door with a puppy-dog sad face begging to be on the other side, regardless of whether she's already indoors or in the garage with me. 

Another stark reality in all of this "doing things for" and "spending time with" is that it's often very hard work. It's getting up at 6:30am on school days, no matter how late I was up the night before by choice or otherwise, keeping a calm and cheerful demeanor as I carefully shepherd kids through the morning routine. Matthew is extremely sensitive to negative emotion. He has several trigger words and situations that can lead to all-out meltdowns. I spend a lot of energy these mornings smoothing out relationship bumps, guiding the kids through minor disappointments, and acting playful, silly, and downright goofy just to distract Matthew and redirect his attention. Medication has helped him immensely, but we still experience the occasional meltdown crisis. Sometimes it's Matthew, sometimes it's James. When I hear one of those trigger words or situations, I emotionally gear up and lock down: rock-steady tone of voice, light conversational mood, and a steady stream of verbal reassurance until the crisis has resolved. I picked up the younger boys from school today and soon discovered myself hiding in the bathroom, anticipating an episode that might randomly occur at any moment. 

I am complaining. I am also fully aware that I like being important to these people and that I like seeing my efforts matter to them. Even when I'm feeling totally drained, there is almost always a little bit more to give in an emergency. 

Bobby's energy level has been low and unpredictable over the last several months. He's started going to bed at 8:30pm to give himself the best possible chance at functioning well the next day. That means I do the hardest bits of the bedtime routine on my own...smoothing contention, navigating Matthew's intense bedtime anxieties, and negotiating between 1) my need to be utterly alone and uninterrupted, 2) my desire to engage with an empathetic peer, and 3) the kids' needs/ wants. Lately, I've caught myself grumbling, "Why do *I* have to perform this particular family task/duty?" only to answer myself, "Because there's no one else right now." It's hard. I've had to lower some expectations. Nothing too egregious just yet. Ha!

With all this responsibility looming and then adding the sweetest, gentlest, quietest, and most affectionate dog to our household, there hasn't been any room for Christmas in my life. 

Until today. 

I just started feeling the Christmas spirit today. My mom mentioned her nativity and I decided that I wanted to put mine up this year. We haven't had a good/safe place to put it for years. I made a place, put all the pieces down in random order, and left it in disarray for one of my kids to discover and put together. I knew it would be James. I knew he would do it without a second thought, without even asking me, and enjoy himself immensely. I asked him to string more lights up in the front room for the same reasons. 

A few more things happened today to Chistmas-ify me a little more:

--Alex and Robert had their last day of school before winter break.

--Alex finished the Christmas Stocking shopping today. He picked up a couple extra stockings for the Sister Missionaries in our ward. James invited them to spend Christmas with us! James, of all people, invited non-family members to come into our home. Will miracles never cease? I've had fun collecting gifts for the Sisters to open on Christmas. Alex color coded and wrapped everything. We're also doing a tree and gifts for my friend who recently moved into a nursing home. That's been rewarding. 

--I made Lebkuchen. It's amazing. Not everyone is into dry, crumbly gingerbread cookies filled with plum jam and coated in dark chocolate, but I sure am. Soooo good. The first batch was a successful test case. Now I know how to make them just right. 

Unrelated to Christmas, I crunched more numbers looking at tuition and housing costs for universities that Alex has applied to. It's astounding. Even a state school nowadays costs 10x what I paid in 1997. I was able to pay for college with a partial scholarship, a part-time job, and a single small interest-free loan. Alex will need a whole lot more than that...the state college will cost $100,000 for tuition alone over 4 years. It's a daunting figure. Now comes the fun part where we move pieces around until we formulate a workable plan.

Tired Tonight

I'm tired, but I don't get much quiet alone time, so I wanted to write this while I could :)

It's Sunday night, Thanksgiving weekend. I'm on the living room couch with a computer on my lap. The whole house is dark except for the three little lights above the fireplace. It's quiet. Bobby is in bed after having sat with Matthew in his room until Matthew finally fell asleep. 

• Today was a really stressful day for Matthew. He desperately wants to meet folks' expectations of him and Fast Sunday is rife with land mines in that regard. He had a panic attack or two, a serious case of decision paralysis all day, and pretty much felt stressed every moment he wasn't actively playing or laughing with someone else. 

There's a telescope on a tripod in the middle of the living room. It's pointing at the gas fireplace's pilot light. 

• James and Matthew were working with the telescope this afternoon and discovered all sorts of fascinating things.

There's an enormous pile of library books stacked between the couch and the brick mantle. I've got to find two long-overdue books, return literally 100 others, and pick up a couple of holds. 

• Matthew's teachers tell me he reads and comprehends texts at the 5th grade level, but he spells like a 2nd grader. That is pretty unusual. When you put that with his math performance scores, there's reason to suspect dyslexia. I wouldn't be too surprised about that. And I'm not too surprised that his previous teachers may have missed it. It's subtle. He's still young. And his previous teachers have always had bigger, more damaging issues to work through just to get the classroom under control. 

Half of the kitchen island is covered with a sheet of cardboard littered with cups, silicone molds, and spilled epoxy resin in 4 different colors. 

• James made chess pieces and a chessboard out of epoxy resin this weekend. What a mess. What a cool experience. Once the resin fully cures, I look forward to having my kitchen island back.

The kitchen sink is full of so. many. dishes. Most of them are too large for the dishwasher and need to be hand washed. 

• Alex generates a whole lotta dishes when he bakes. And since it was Fast Sunday today, I made Chicken Parmesan for dinner and that also generates piles of greasy pans and cooling racks *sigh* Bobby and I try to keep up pretty well with the dishes, but Sundays are just plain crazy.

Robert is in bed, too. 

• Normally, he stays up late in the living room doing homework or playing video games, but not on Sundays. That's the main reason I can sit here quietly and blog. 
• Robert seems to have jammed or broken his toe this weekend. He was playing tug-of-war with Nova and caught his toe on a wall corner. It hurt a lot at first, but is getting less painful. 

Alex and James went to bed as soon as we got back from the Sister Missionaries' place. 

• This afternoon, Alex had made 2 kinds of (full-size) cheesecake and a quintuple batch of muddy buddies. He took a lot of it to the Sisters. I waited in the car with Nova. Nova is usually content to hang out with me no matter what I'm doing, but this time she was watching the kids interact and share food with the Sisters and she wanted to be part of that action. 
• I've started taking Nova with me on car trips where I don't have to get out of the car. She's a whole lot happier being with me/us than being home without me/us. She's very polite and disciplined in the car. She hops in, scouts the interior for crumbs, then curls herself into a doggie doughnut on one of the seats and goes to sleep. Seriously, folks, we got crazy lucky with this one. And I'm super pleased that she sleeps with James. That gives me a break from 9pm until 6:30am where no human nor animal in the house is needing my attention.

Matthew is currently asleep on a cot in the middle of his room. 

• His loft bed can be too hot/scary/isolating sometimes and then he prefers to sleep closer to the floor. As soon as I had finished reading out loud to Matthew, Bobby came in and tagged me out. We've tweaked the bedtime routine here and there. Some parts are much better now and some parts still have much room for improvement. Matthew does better with a variety of audio books to choose from. This week, I've even started singing to him a little. He said tonight that he thinks the anxiety meds aren't helping anymore. I'll be keeping an eye on that. 

I'm even more tired now. It's getting hard to keep my eyes open. 

• In the midst of trying to get dinner made while Matthew is having a panic attack and James is pointing out one of the extra-crispy (i.e. BURNED!) chik'n patties I had prepared for Matthew's vegetarian version of Chicken Parmesan, and Robert grudgingly clearing the table before setting it for dinner (e.g. "I don't want to do this. Why don't people just clean up their own stuff when they're done with it?!"), Alex asked if I wanted a hug. What I really wanted was for someone to do or give something to me without expecting something back for it, and I said so. In a nice way. I gratefully accepted the hug, though, for what it was: an effort to relieve some of my readily-apparent stress. Then I noticed that Bobby had unloaded and loaded the dishwasher, Alex had started the noodles cooking, Robert said a genuine "thanks" when I pulled out a clean tablecloth for him to use, and Alex and James were actively comforting Matthew through his stress. By the time dinner was on the table, I was feeling significantly better. 

And I'm not ready for Christmas. 

• It occurred to me that Christmas falls at the end of the calendar year, but at the very beginning of winter (winter solstice, Dec 21). Christmas should actually be celebrated at the end of January when we really need something warm and light to look forward to.
• I'm thinking about a lot of things these days. I desperately want to be respected as a mechanic at the bike shop. I feel like I have to prove myself to them again and again. The reality is, though, I'm struggling to accept myself as a mechanic. I want their approval first, then I'll believe it for myself. I recognize that it would be better/healthier for me to go about it the other way 'round. I just don't know how to do that yet.

I hear Robert laughing in his room. His phone is out here with me, so it must be something he's reading. 

There's a faint odor of dog urine coming from the front room. 

• I'm renting a steam cleaner for the carpets tomorrow. Nova is fully potty-trained, except when she's particularly nervous about me being gone. She continues to help our family far more than she messes up, so I'm not complaining, per se, but *sigh* Urinating is better than destroying furniture with her claws, right? Just say yes. 

Long, long catch-up

A few things I want to share today:

We have a new member of the family! Let me introduce you to Nova:

Robert and Nova

Nova is a 2-year-old mixed breed pup who joined our family after some time at the Hoopeston Animal Rescue Team (HART). We had been looking at dogs for some time on PetFinder and discovered a shelter about an hour away with several dogs that fit our requirements: 35lbs or less, 1-5 years old, quiet, a good companion, and low shedding. 

HART is no ordinary animal shelter. The application was several pages long and asked detailed questions about what our family would do when/if the dog got sick or had significant behavior problems or grew larger than we had anticipated or needed more care than we could give it. They wanted to know the names and ages of everyone in the household, how big our yard was, what type of fencing we used, and who would be responsible for feeding and walking the dog. They also did criminal background checks on the adults and called both of our references to verify all of this information. HART will only let you meet their animals if you appear to be a good fit for one or more of them. And they very rarely allow first-time dog owners to adopt their pups. 

It was kinda nuts. 

But, I'm glad they were so careful. They really, really know their dogs well.

The volunteer/owner had us wait in a large play room with chairs, dog toys, and dog treats. We talked a little more about what we were looking for in a dog. Once she saw our family and reviewed our answers, she dismissed some of our top picks right away. She said there was one dog, a relatively new arrival who wasn't yet on their website, that might be a good fit if we were willing to go a little higher than 35 pounds. We said we could certainly meet the dog, at least, and see how it went. 

When the owner brought Nova in on a leash, Nova was clearly shy and timid, but she carefully walked right up to James in his chair and gently climbed up to sniff his face. She let him pet her for a while, then she moved on to each one of us in turn sniffing our faces and letting us give her affection. Nova was nervous, but curious and trusting enough to give us a chance. The owner took Nova back and brought out 3 more dogs one at a time. Each one had his/her own quirks and personalities. Jackie Blue was snorty and goofy, Waldo was too terrified to even look at us, and Luna was a weasel-shaped rocket literally bouncing off the walls and leaping over our laps to get to the toys. 

The more dogs we saw, the better we felt about Nova being the one for us. 

Nova loves all things food.

Nova is catching on quickly and learning the routine.

She's tolerant of our affection in all forms.

As you can tell from her tail tucked between her legs in this photo, some family members still make her nervous. She's getting more and more comfortable with them every day, though. Baby steps.

Nova will need time to feel at home with us, and we will need time to feel at home with her. I'm more stressed than I had anticipated. Matthew is very much stressed. We don't know what she likes or if she's comfortable or what's going to happen next. We're slowly building a routine together. With all the excitement and fun, there are also feelings of jealousy and longing and disappointment. The reality of having a dog sometimes clashes with the dream of having a dog.

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In other news, Matthew turned 10! The kids-at-home phase of our family's life together is solidly in its middle-age now...10 or so years left?

Alex gave Matthew a foxy Lego set. James gave Matthew the enormous gift taking up most of the table. It was a collection of all his Nerf guns, Nerf bullets, and a couple other large toys/gifts he thought Matthew would enjoy. More on this later. 

As a 10-year-old, Matthew is gaining confidence and flexibility. The anti-anxiety meds he started this year have opened up a whole new world for him. He's suddenly adventurous, funny, playful, and resilient in new ways. The kid still gets stressed and can experience a full-on panic attack periodically, but logic and comfort and distraction all work now to help him through it. 

Matthew has joined the archery team at school. They will start practices after Christmas. His favorite subjects at school are PE and art. We are currently reading The Land of Stories (Book 3) together and it's fun to see him and James laughing at the funny characters and eagerly predicting plot twists.

The most common phrase to come out of Matthew's mouth is, "I've ALWAYS wanted to..." followed by a long, detailed explanation of how he would do that thing. Most often it's a superpower, sometimes it's a project he wants to take on, and every once in a while it's a sneaky little joke he just can't bring himself to do in real life.

Matthew and James have been playing Stick Fight: The Game together recently. They get really loud with all the fun they're having. Crazy loud.

The Children's Primary Program at church was a few weeks ago. The Primary kids were given a choice about how they would prefer to participate. Matthew opted out of a speaking part and any small group singing opportunities. With my other kids, I would have pushed the issue more. I remember an especially difficult Primary Program when I was forcing Robert to give a talk. He did it, but at what a cost! I didn't push Matthew this time, knowing too well how that would explode in my face.

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James is growing up and changing a little at a time. Around his birthday, he realized that birthdays aren't fun like they used to be. All the presents and special treats used to be so amazing! Now, he tells me, presents are just things he puts away in his room and treats make him sick because he eats too many of them. He wants to make birthdays special again. Or, he said, he'd be willing to trade a year of family presents and treats for one big gift of an electric scooter. 

He's playing fewer imaginary games with Matthew and joining in on the adult conversations more. His later bedtime gives him more alone time with Alex and me. He and Alex have a lot of fun together these days, sharing several interests and building on each others' ideas.

Just this week, while he was converting his pile of a room into something more dog-friendly, James ended up taking down all of the preschool and elementary school drawings, art projects, and posters from his wall. Everything. He put them all in a garbage bag and threw them out with a shrug saying he just didn't want/like them anymore and he wanted to decorate his walls with something else. Last night, he started doing the same with the shelves and shelves of stuff in his closet. He's envisioned a new room for himself and even drawn a few diagrams. He's sourced new furniture and created a budget.

He's been ready for his own room for a while. He'll be more than ready for it when Alex moves out.

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We have a sister missionary in our ward who comes from Tonga. Alex wanted to make her something special "from home", so he looked up Tongan recipes. There were a bunch of seafood recipes and a single dessert called Faikakai Malimali. Of course Alex made the dessert and WOW! I love it. Soooo tasty. The missionary was shocked and impressed that Alex got it right. It's delicious!

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Bobby is still experiencing fatigue and other symptoms that haven't quite been diagnosed yet. We know a lot about what it's not. It's not a serious heart condition. It's not an infection of any sort. As long as he gets a good night's sleep, he can function pretty normally. 

Bobby's smart watch has a heart rate monitor that regularly measures his stress level. It's measuring a ton of stress, even when he's lying down watching TV. He's got a couple more specialist appointments in the next few weeks. 

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One of my coworkers from the bike shop has asked me to go mountain biking a few times. I like it! We ride at Kickapoo State Recreation Area. The trails are diverse enough that I'll be struggling to get better for many years to come :)

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A few recent pictures:

James at the optometrist. No glasses yet. He was kinda bummed.

Halloween group costume! We are minor magical characters from the Harry Potter franchise: Dobby, Luna Lovegood, Tonks, and Aragog.

Good News!

James prepared himself mentally for the foot surgery and finally gave his approval. He underwent the procedure yesterday afternoon. It was not what we expected, but it was also much better than it could have been. He's proud of himself and pain-free today!

Alex has begun submitting college applications! He's interested in Film Production and Child Psychology as majors, preferably at a school in Canada. There are several universities in Canada that are FAFSA-eligible, which means we can use our 529 savings account there. That's a relief. Alex has started seeing the whole college thing a little differently now that we're talking actual places, costs, and programs. His number one college that he's been talking about for years is less attractive now that he'd have to pay tuition completely out-of-pocket (e.g. no 529 help) and they don't have a child psychology major. There are a few in Toronto and Vancouver that he's applying to.

I think I'm more excited about all this than he is.

Transitioning to a new school and new school culture has been pretty hard for James. He was upset about leaving his friends from 5th grade. He said that if he had gone to Urbana Middle School, he'd have friends, and that he wished he hadn't moved schools. He asked if we could invite those friends to an indoor trampoline park as part of his 12th Bday celebrations. James isn't one to ask for parties or play dates or ANYTHING like that, so I totally said yes. On the car ride to the park, the kids swapped stories about their middle school experiences...how many fights in the halls they've seen, how many kids have been expelled, how many teachers have gone to the hospital for stopping fights, how many bathrooms still have stall doors and functional sinks, what they're learning in their classes. It was eye-opening. James let me know later that he was feeling better about being in private school. I was too. I wish things were better for everyone.

Matthew excitedly told me this morning that he now has one official friend at school. 

I did some math and came to the conclusion that if Bobby's condition somehow worsens and he's no longer able to work full-time (We have NO evidence that this is the case. I'm just planning for several different scenarios.), there are several part-time job opportunities nearby that I could take that pay enough to cover our current food, fuel, and utility costs every month. That was a big relief. I could always work full-time to cover more of our expenses, but the part-time numbers were delightfully reassuring. Calm-inducing.

Bobby gave his apprehensive approval for our family to get a dog. James and Matthew (with some help from me) had put together a slideshow presentation about how a dog would benefit our family and what we would need to do to care for it. Bobby asked a few follow up questions about healthcare, allergy-issues, and sharing the work of caring for a dog, which the boys developed plans for. And Bobby said ok! We've started our search for the right fit. James and I differ significantly on what makes a dog perfect for our family, but I hold out hope for a compromise :) 

RV Road Trip!

For James' 12th birthday, we pulled out all the stops. It helps that his wishes aligned very, very well with the wishes of others in our family. In other words, he chose wisely. One of his requests was that we spend Fall Break on an RV trip to visit the largest car museum in the United States: The Gilmore Car Musem. That may sound familiar because we drove out to visit it in February of this year. Alex, Matthew and I were on board with it. Bobby's energy level has been unpredictable, so he stayed home, and Robert stayed home because that is honestly where he loves to be more than anywhere else: at home with no siblings.

The RV part of the trip was great! We rented one through Outdoorsy, which is sort of like AirBnB or VRBO for motor homes. The owners showed us how to use it and we were on our way! That was hands-down the best camping I've ever experienced. Glamping. There was a real kitchen and fridge, real beds, a furnace, a clean and private bathroom, and a hard shell around us to protect us from the elements. There was a lot of rain our first night. The wind rocked the RV back and forth. Thankfully, the two younger boys slept through it all. Unfortunately, the dramatic shift in air pressure triggered a migraine for Alex. Not a fun night for either of us.

One AMAZING thing about the RV trip was having a kitchen and bathroom with us at all times. My kids don't have adventurous pallets. We really do best with familiar foods in familiar forms at consistent times. And with Matthew being vegetarian, the only thing he eats at restaurants these days is cheese pizza, mac and cheese, or grilled cheese. He's pretty bored of all that. So, having a kitchen was perfect. There was a moment at Niagara Falls when one kid really had to use the bathroom and the other kid was starving. We were pretty much ready to leave anyway. We hopped back into the RV and I whipped up a batch of bean nachos before we left the parking lot. 

There are a few things about this trip that I hope never to repeat:

• No more working vacations: all three kids were missing school to come on this trip. Yeah, I didn't plan that properly. Initially, I thought all schools were on Fall Break that week, but it turns out Alex's online college courses and the boys' school did NOT take a Fall Break that week. So, everyone had work to do. If this had been last year with both little boys in elementary school at Yankee Ridge, we would have had 3 worksheets and a couple of coloring pages for each of them. Easy peasy! No such luck this time. James had a genealogy poster project (in French!), Matthew had chapters to read and questions to answer, James had prime factorization and LCM and GCF, Matthew had equivalent fractions and long division and so much 2 digit multiplication. Through Google Classroom, James was able to do almost all of the classwork the same day his classmates did it, then the homework on top of that. We spent hours and hours on school work that the boys just didn't want to do and just didn't have the attention span for. Schoolwork at school and homework at home from now on. No more working vacations. Ugh.
• No more solo driving the RV. I was alone in the front seat while the kids slept, snacked, listened to stories, read, and snuggled in blankets. Alex spent 90% of the vacation in the back bedroom. If we had been in the van, Alex would have sat up front with me and helped with the boys' needs. 
• I'd rather not drive the RV through town. It wasn't too unwieldy, but a smaller car would have been nice for the outings. 
• The longest we stayed in one campsite was 2 nights. That's a lot of packing and unpacking, hooking and unhooking. I'll stay longer at campsites next time.
• I won't give up the master bedroom to any of the kids next time, either. I hoped Alex would be a happier, more helpful co-pilot if he had a place to call his own. It turns out I also need a place to call my own! And if I'm going to do all the driving, meal prep, planning, navigating, and paying, I'm going to be sleeping in a bigger, softer bed with a bedroom door. 

Now for a few photos:

The RV! Each kid is pointing roughly to where they slept in the van.

Horseshoe Falls, Niagara City, Ontario, Canada

Matthew demonstrating how loud the falls were. We were in the tunnels behind the falls and this was one of the openings.

Gilmore Car Museum. James is too cool to smile. Matthew's all about the laughs.

Here, we're waiting at a food truck for the best poutine in town (according to the reviews). Poutine is a dish most popular in Quebec, but found all over Canada. It's a plate of hot French fries with cheese curds sprinkled on top and melting together, then topped with a generous scoop of mushroom or beef gravy. Alex and I thought it was spectacular. The little boys opted for plain hand cut fries, which were also sensational.

More waiting. Good food takes time, man.

Alex chilling in the RV's master bedroom.

This is the view of the RV interior from the Master Bedroom. Matthew is up in the loft playing video games after his homework was done. James is at the kitchen table still working. You can't see much of him because he's hiding from the camera.

Here, he cooperated with a photo. The loft curtains are drawn so Matthew's video games are less of a distraction. 

Prime factorization.

James' family tree in French.

Matthew meets The Fonz at the Gilmore Car Museum. He and James have a friend named Alfonso who goes by "Fonzy."

Three of us in a ferris wheel ride at the Air Zoo Museum near Kalamazoo, MI. Matthew was initially terrified at the notion, but we gently coaxed him on. He had a great time! I love Prozac. It makes the world so much more accessible to Matthew. 

Alex and I tried out the Paratrooper Ride at the Air Zoo. The bench bounces up and down, giving you that crazy stomach feeling. Matthew took the picture. James didn't feel up to the rides today. Traveling can make him nauseous sometimes.

James Fun

Last week, James turned to me after school and said, "I'm actually catching up. I kinda like school now!" 

*huge sigh of relief* I gave him a big, big hug. 

With his 12th birthday, James asked for a chance to get together with some friends from 5th grade. Since James NEVER asks to hang out with friends, I said, "Heck yeah, let's make this happen!"

We invited all of his friends from newspaper club last year. Most of them attend Urbana Middle School except the two kids Matthew's age who were relocated to a different elementary school when our neighborhood school was converted to a dual-language-only facility. Matthew would have gone there, too.

The kids compared schools and classes to each other. The middle school stories were sobering, and not very surprising. We heard about fights in the halls ending up with kids and/or teachers needing medical attention. We heard about math classes so disrupted by disrespectful kids that they had to reorganize the classes all over again. They told us about boys' bathrooms with no doors on the stalls, garbage on the floor, and broken sinks.

James didn't feel so bad about his middle school complaints after that. NGS gives a lot of homework, yeah, but he's also in an environment that supports learning at that pace. 

James found some fossils in the rock bed by the playground today. He used to spend most of his recess time doing that in elementary school.

James was out sick from school three days this week. We were able to do most of his classwork at home, though, thanks to his teachers doing a lot of assignments online. Everything is online now. But even with all the work at home done earlier, James still needed 5 hours to completely finish the homework he had missed over 3 days. He was cheerful about it, though, and got more confident the further along we went. It gave me hope for next week.

Next week, inspired by another one of James' requests that don't often come, we'll be renting an RV and traveling to Niagara Falls. We'll stop along the way at several car and aerospace museums, and take a day to explore a bit of Ontario, Canada, on our way back. By "we", I mean me, Alex, James, and Matthew. The two Roberts will stay home to keep working and enjoy the blissful silence. RVs are all new to us. Can't wait!

One Heck of a Week (Medically Speaking)

As of this writing, 3 of our kids are on 3 different antibiotics for 3 different conditions.

At the end of last week, I took James to Convenient Care for two very swollen, painful, and oozy big toenails. He was prescribed antibiotics to knock back the infection and given a referral to Podiatry for ingrown toenails. 

Then, this Monday, I took Matthew to Convenient Care for lingering breathing issues, fever, and ear pain: pneumonia, aggravated by asthma. He was prescribed antibiotics for the pneumonia, as well as oral corticosteroids and nebulized albuterol for the asthma. 

A few hours after that, I took Robert to Convenient Care for a different set of symptoms that had been growing steadily worse for 3 days. We're waiting on a lab culture, but in the meantime, the doc prescribed some pretty hefty antibiotics to cover all the bases. 

I can't even begin to add up what this might have cost without health insurance. 

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James and I met with the podiatrist today. The doctor confirmed the diagnosis of two very deep-set ingrown toenails. James started asking questions about the treatment and discovered it involved numbing the skin, injecting an anesthetic, and trimming the side of the nail almost to the bottom. He was having NONE of that. No way. It didn't matter to him that his pain would stop almost instantly after the procedure. He was not swayed by promises of not being able to feel the injection or the trimming. Even when reminded of the immense pain and suffering he experiences every time someone bonks either of his toes, he would not be convinced.

I was very, very angry at James, but there was little I could do to force the issue. 

He's too old/big for us to hold him down the whole time.

He's too terrified of needles to be rational.

It would have taken only 20 minutes to fix this problem forever. Forever! James would rather endure weeks and weeks of continuous pain to avoid that 20 minutes. He's convinced that he can grow back his toenails just fine without surgical help. The doctor advised against that, indicating the antibiotics are working now to control the infection, but if we don't remove the offending nail bits before James finishes this antibiotics regimen, the infection will almost certainly come back. Toe infections can turn nasty pretty quickly, he said. James still would not consent. He wouldn't even let me touch him. 

I used my calmest, firmest voice to tell James that putting off the procedure was not the right thing to do. He buried his face in his hands and started to cry. But he did not yield.

So, we left the doctor's office. Neither one of us had anything more to say. James walked to the car quickly with his head down. I was following several steps behind trying not to cry. 

When James's toenails get nasty again, we'll need to schedule the procedure. I'm hopeful he'll submit to the in-office version with a local anesthetic. If not, we'll have no choice but to schedule an official surgery with an IV drip and an anesthesiologist who can put him to sleep safely. 

Unbelievable. 

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In other medical news, Bobby's intermittent chest pain and regular fatigue continue undiagnosed. His doctor prescribed nitroglycerin tablets as needed to dilate blood vessels. Bobby says they help alleviate the chest pain but they also make him feel weird. 

My new medicine arrived today. It comes in an auto-injector like those epi pens for allergic reactions. Just press and hold until you hear the click. I psyched myself up, "It'll be fine. It's just like any other shot." Then I pressed the button. The needle was exactly what I expected. The medicine itself, however, felt like flaming hot lava swords oozing and expanding slowly into my thigh. It was a much larger volume than I had prepared for, and took far longer to inject than I thought I had in me. Not cool, man. Totally not cool, but I'll take that over a blistering rash any day. And I will. Every 2 weeks.

************************************

And here's the best medical news of all:

Anti-anxiety meds have completely transformed Matthew. Instead of a shrinking, panicky kid with occassional moments of peaceful happiness, we now have a generally happy kid with occasional moments of manageable stress.

Every single day this week, I've heard the other kids do or say something that would normally trigger a panic attack in Matthew. Do you know what happened instead? Matthew laughed at the joke or asked them to stop or kept working on his homework. I just stood there stunned with my mouth wide open. What?! 

Matthew has said things this week that I never thought I'd ever hear from him:

"I'm not done yet, but I can just work on it tomorrow."

"Mom, leave the car door open and back out of the garage slowly so I can run down the sidewalk and take a flying leap into my seat!"

And there are things he hasn't said even once that are just as miraculous:

"Am I going to be late?"

"Will there be rain tonight?"

"I'm really scared and I don't know why."

"I'm really sad and I don't know why."

We've had no paralyzing meltdowns. No profuse apologies or self-shaming following every minor offense he's given. 

He comes up with his OWN plans to overcome obstacles. And he does it intuitively and nonchalantly, without coaching from any of us. 

Like I told Bobby, we've never really had a chance to separate Matthew's anxiety from Matthew's personality. But now, with the anxiety toned down, I finally see this funny, friendly, confident, resilient, resourceful, self-directed and kinda sneaky kid. He's a lot more like James than I originally thought 😉 

I'm declaring it a miracle. I want to thank those who have been praying for us and putting our family on prayer rolls/lists. It's been a crazy couple of months with all sorts of medical and mental issues, but I feel carried. Your prayers have made us more buoyant and capable. Our family is closer to each other, too. We can laugh together again. There's room to breathe. And while we're still in the thick of many things, there is an underlying tone of patience and longsuffering around here. I credit your faith and prayers for these tender mercies. 

Growing Pains

Hi there! It's been a pretty good week. Our family's most recent stressors and struggles have shifted, and several have improved. I'm calling them growing pains. I'll share them in the random order they occur to me:

My rash:

Sooooooo, the biopsy and blood test results came back. It's very unlikely the rash was caused by an allergic reaction to any medication. They found antibodies in my blood that indicate I have a rare autoimmune blistering disorder. My immune system attacks some of the proteins that connect the top layer of skin to the one right below it. It's a condition that usually shows up in folks older than 60. How crazy is that?! Way out of left field. Yes, it's a chronic condition that will need to be managed for the rest of my life. Yes, I'll be susceptible to flare ups and side effects from medications (typically steroids and immunosuppressants). No, it's not life-threatening. No, I'm not terribly concerned about it. Any more. The initial news was a shocker. But now, after some time to get used to the idea, and seeing this rash subside with treatment, I'm feeling okay about it. Just gonna add it to the pot simmering on the back burner. In the meantime, I feel 99% normal. I'm back to exercising, praying and reading scriptures, connecting with friends, laughing with my kids, and feeling more resilient. The 1% that's not quite "back to normal" is the low grade tingling-itchiness that comes and goes, especially in my hands. The feeling itself isn't as bothersome as the reminder that things have changed for me. 

Here's what the rash looked like in all its glory. Imagine this from scalp to fingertips to knees, but not on my face for some reason. It felt like a burning fever, itched like crazy, and peeled like a horrible sunburn. 

One month later, I've got this: skin that flakes and shady splotches where the rash was.

This peeling on my hands reminds me of when I was a child and my hands would peel a couple times a year. Usually spring and fall. 

Matthew's Anxiety:

He's a new kid with this new school. He suddenly has a sense of humor. He excitedly talks about what they did in class that day. He's loved his afterschool science class WITHOUT James. And now he's talking about joining the archery team, even as James shows no interest in it. Seriously, folks, you have no idea how revolutionary this is. Matthew still has anxiety episodes (hoo boy), and bedtime is still hard (better, but still a rough transition for him), and we are still very careful every day about our tone, our word choice, our scheduling pace, and our routines just to keep Matthew on an even emotional keel. That said, he's more delightful and more delighted about life than ever before. That's significant. We met with a provider about the possibility of anti-anxiety meds. She was concerned that his anxiety isn't a constant, underlying fear (nausea, stomachaches, anxious behaviors that draw attention from peers and teachers, trouble staying asleep) that would obviously be improved with medication. His anxiety is strong and over the top, but it's situational. It comes and goes. It's only triggered by specific things. She also noted that his physical/verbal tics and his mild-moderate compulsion to balance sensory inputs are more typical of OCD than anxiety. None of this was new to us, but I feel better having another perspective. She consulted with other psych folks and decided that it would be okay to try a very low dose, entry-level SSRI to see how that affects things. I'm okay with that. 

Bobby's fatigue:

I don't think I've mentioned this on the blog yet. Bobby has recently had some intermittent symptoms that we haven't yet been able to diagnose. He gets episodes of chest tightness, fatigue, and GI upset. One day he'll be fine and going to work, and the next day he'll be too exhausted and crummy-feeling to do much more than the bare minimum. He's had CT scans, blood tests, and a heart stress test. Everything so far has checked out with gold stars and two thumbs up. He gets a temporary heart monitor this week.

James fitting in:

He's done a little better the last couple of weeks. He's had fewer anxious/depressive episodes. His toes are really painful, though. He tends to clip his nails very, very short and apparently gave himself two ingrown toenails. His instinct was to cut the nails even shorter to relieve the pain. It worked the first few times. Poor guy. The only thing to do now is watch for infection and wait for it to grow back out. Not fun. As for school, we're all getting used to doing homework regularly and learning where to look for assignments on Google Classroom. It's a lot more work than his last school, but the more he does it, the more confident he gets that he can do it. He's done several very difficult things this week: talking to a teacher about a late project, studying for a French quiz (the first studying he's EVER done), and buckling down on Saturday to finish his weekend homework. There's so much more to learn in middle school than what you find in textbooks! I'm so proud of him growing in these other ways.

Other bits:

--The garage freezer wasn't keeping the temp low enough and everything was half-thawed by the time I found it. I shifted things around and managed to save it all. 

--Our washing machine was finally getting unreliable enough that we needed to replace it. Getting a new one was easy. Getting it successfully installed was an exercise in patience. The new washer wasn't the same width as the old one (why aren't these things standardized??), so we had to rearrange some things, and replace a couple cabinets. I was able to install the first one on my own, but the 2nd one has me intimidated. How can I possibly line it up straight with the first one??

--Alex got deep into a woodworking project. He was creating a wooden model of a car (sort of) for his German Language teacher. He learned how to use an electric sander, power drill, dremel, and wood putty. 

-- Here is Alex's quilt top:

-- I found a new home for my road bike! I purchased a new one a couple months ago but didn't allow myself to use it until I had re-homed the first. It's hard to resell bikes. There are SO many variables, even after you've picked which type of bike and which size you're looking for. I got supremely lucky that 1) a young woman in the ward was looking to start road cycling, 2) she was my size, and 3) her dad was experienced enough in road cycling to appreciate this bike's potential for his daughter. I was thrilled to give it to them and they were thrilled to get it. Yay!

This Worked...

...for now.

Matthew's paralyzing meltdowns seem to have lessened significantly over the last couple of weeks. He's a totally new kid: confident, funny, kinda snarky in playful ways, and about 50% more resilient to external stressors. That last one is especially important at home. When triggered by a distressing event/topic, Matthew has had smaller, less distressing anxiety episodes that we can talk through before they explode out of control.

One part of this change is clearly school. He finally feels safe! 

Another part of the change stems from something he discovered about himself. Towards the end of one meltdown last week, he recognized that routines were very, very important to his feeling secure and happy. He suggested we adopt a more structured bedtime routine to help him calm down for sleep. 

I raised an eyebrow.

"That sounds like a great idea. Let's try that," I replied. Then asked, "What happens if you're scared or sad during the routine and don't want to finish it?"

*deep breath* "Then remind me of this conversation and I'll finish the routine without complaining."

Well, heck! Sign me up. I immediately set to work on a very specific bedtime routine that addressed the most common problems we had been experiencing. One major trigger for Matthew is feeling rushed. Another big hangup is feeling like he's disappointed you or done something wrong. Even saying the words, "You haven't done anything wrong," suddenly puts the possibility of error into his head and can paralyze him for a short period of time. 

So, we always start on time, but the rest of the times are flexible. The order of the steps is the important part. One thing at a time. And it's very important not to skip any steps if we're a little later than usual or if the adults are feeling done. That's rushing. And that's him feeling like he's let you down. 

I can tell you that it's been in place 1 week and Matthew has managed to fall asleep on his own every night. Before this week, he had me or Bobby in there pretty much every night because he was too scared to fall asleep on his own. 

Even tonight, when a random fit of unnamed anxiety crippled him at 7:30pm (where do these come from?!), he gathered himself together after the worst had passed and we just moved on to the next step on the list. He needed one reminder a little later to give the next-to-last step the full 20 minutes, but fell asleep soon after. 

This has been a miracle. I just wanted to record it here as proof that something has made a difference. For now. Who knows how long it will last, but I'll gladly take it any time. 

The routine:

Recent Pictures

While visiting family in Houston, Erin took the kids to get pedicures. It was a first for James and Matthew, but Alex was an old pro. They got the paraffin wax treatment and everything.  

The massage chair was so large, it pretty much just massaged Matthew's head back and forth. 

The kids and I visited the Houston Space Center. This is us on the shuttle to see the Historic Mission Control room that landed people on the moon.

Um, they were a little more excited about it than this portrays. It was hot, humid, and busy, but a fun adventure all the same. 

This is the first step in making Alex's quilt. It's appropriate that James is holding it up with him because he did about half the work up to this point.

Here, James is using the Dremel to trim a kickstand down to size for a kid's bike we were refurbishing. My goal to refurbish and donate 45 bikes by my 45th birthday was *almost* met. It turns out, the chart I was using to track my progress only had 40 slots. Not 45. So, while I did complete my chart on time, I fell 5 bikes short. Ugh. I guess that means I'm only 40 years old until those last few are finished.

Here's the pool at our rental in Houston. The boys loved hopping in whenever it was convenient for them, playing until they were done, then coming in to change into dry clothes. It was the perfect counterpoint to the other activities with Gma and Gpa and out and about all over Houston.

Another school year begins

Hello! Another school year has begun, and not without its quirks. All four kids are attending new schools:

Alex: both a senior in high school and a brand new community college freshman. We've experienced a number of "firsts" together as we navigate this whole college thing. Crazy. He's taking 3 courses at the high school and 2 courses through Parkland Community College. He is deliriously happy.

Robert: a freshman in high school. He won't tell me anything directly, but I've managed to surmise that he has friends in every class and one of his friends convinced him to join some sort of science club or something. Robert has also started early morning seminary this week.

James: a brand-new sixth grader at Next Generation School. He's figuring out a new class schedule and getting used to several new teachers. This middle school is new to our family (e.g. Alex attended Urbana Middle School and Campus Middle School for Girls, and Robert attended Urbana Middle School), but all the staff are extremely friendly and helpful so far. James is loathe to take on any after school clubs or activities, and he's intensely preoccupied with how/whether he'll fit in academically and socially, but he seems to like all the new independence and privileges that come with middle school life. 

Matthew: a 4th grader at Next Generation School. He's quick to point out that this school is nothing like his experience at Yankee Ridge Elementary. The first thing he said after spending a day with his whole class is, "I heard only ONE cuss word the entire day!" Matthew is also nervous about making friends. He said he doesn't know anyone's names yet, but kids are asking him to play during recess. 

Our trip to Houston at the end of the summer was very nice. Hot and humid, but the company was delightful. Several of us worked with Alex to make him a quilt. James probably put in the most hours. We shopped at HMart, visited the Space Center, and swam in the pool at our rental. I got to go to the temple on my birthday. I was glad to have Mom with me. After we did an endowment session, James and Dad met us in the baptistry. We were baptized and confirmed for some of our ancestors. That was a good use of my birthday day. 

The day we were leaving back to Illinois, I noticed some red bumps on my neck. It looked like a rash, but it didn't itch, so I figured it would go away. 

No such luck. 

A week later, those little bumps had grown into an itchy, swollen rash on my scalp, neck, shoulders, and chest. The symptoms were consistent with an allergic reaction, but I couldn't think of anything I had come in contact with or eaten in the last week that was out of the ordinary. I had started a new prescription a few weeks before, but wouldn't an allergy have shown up before then??

I went to convenient care where they prescribed a round of steroids to tamp down my immune response and hopefully get me back to normal. The doctor didn't think the new prescription was related. She asked about anything else that might have changed. Nothing. Nothing except that medication. Since it was not a necessary medication (anti-fungal to treat toenail fungus), I stopped taking it anyway. The steroids then seemed to help a little, along with ibuprofen, but the rash came back hard once the steroids were done. 

Back at convenient care, more swollen, blistered, peeling, and itchy than ever, now with an angry rash completely covering my chest and back and starting to creep down to my hands and knees, I begged for relief. I almost got teary and said, "Please help me." The doctors were shocked at the extent of it, but with no other symptoms, they were confident I just needed a larger dose of steroids. They injected me with a high dose of steroids and prescribed another stronger, longer round of oral steroids. 

And today, two days later, I'm still miserable. The steroids, benadryl, and ibuprofen don't seem to keep the rash from spreading, but they do prevent blistering (for which I'm very grateful). Patches of the rash that blistered and peeled earlier are less itchy now. So, it feels like it's running its course. I'm drowsy much of the day due to the antihistamines. 

I looked up the prescription antifungal I was using and learned it can remain active in the body up to a month after the last dose. The liver just doesn't metabolize it very quickly. Strangely, that news actually brought me some hope. If the medication is the cause, then this will end. Even if it takes 30 days, this will get better. It's scarier to me imagining that stress or hormones or an autoimmune disorder is the culprit....there's no clear endpoint in sight for those. 

I'm grateful that it hasn't been so bad as to keep me from my motherly duties. The first week of school is an important one. I've been especially concerned about James and Matthew this year. Lately, they've had bouts of sadness and depression. Maybe 4-5 times a week each? They are almost always triggered by something unexpected or unfortunate happening to them, then they wilt under the weight of it all. 

When Matthew notices he's inexplicably sad, he starts to get anxious about being sad. He really, really, really, doesn't like feeling sad. His anxiety about the sadness grows until he's overwhelmed by it and can't think straight. He's not sad anymore at that point, but he's sobbing, rocking himself back and forth in the fetal position, and unable to make decisions. This used to freak me out. A lot. I used to try all sorts of things to pull him out of it. All the extra attention was NOT helpful, by the way. What does seem to help is a calm, listening ear that offers empathy and recognizes his frustration. It's crazy hard not to ask questions or offer solutions. Matthew eventually calms down and finds a solution on his own. He almost always apologizes for losing control and then thanks me for my help. 

When James gets a bout of this sadness, he withdraws. He stops talking, seeks solitude, and looks off into the distance. He wants help changing his mood, but doesn't quite know how to ask for it. If we get a chance to talk privately about it, he can sometimes recognize what's bothering him. Many times, though, he doesn't know exactly why he's suddenly sad. 

James experiences anxiety, too, he starts to shake, rock back and forth, wring his hands, grit his teeth, and writhe on the couch. He can't speak words, but sometimes he cries and whimpers as if he's physically hurt. At first, I thought this was a tantrum response. I ignored it or sent it to another room. That changed nothing. The only thing that seems to help is a calm, listening ear that offers empathy and recognizes his frustration. 

So, I'm trying really hard to be that listening ear for James and Matthew. These episodes never come at convenient times and they take a lot of patience. Both boys are old enough now to detect my frustration, even if my words are kind and patient. 

Let me see what else I can share about the first week of school that may be of interest...

-- Matthew signed up for an after-school enrichment class about science

-- Alex started his Child Psychology course at the college and is thrilled with his textbook. It gives details and cites studies, forcing him to think critically about things, not just memorize them. 

-- James went with all the middle schoolers to a nearby 4H camp for some team building activities. They were tasked with building a 1-person raft that would cross the beach twice without sinking. He had a lot of fun with that one. 

-- Robert continues to tell me nothing. He doesn't like answering my curious questions. I have noticed, however, that his strength training is paying off and that puts him in a good mood. He still mentions every once in a while how lovely it was to have us away in Texas. He and Bobby had full reign of the house and schedule. Everything was so quiet and peaceful.

Okay, that blog post is long enough. Good night!

July Update, of sorts.

We're just over halfway through the kids' summer break. It's been a busy 6 weeks!

We've had no shortage of ups and downs. Each kid has experienced his own sequence of good and not-so-good events and there's a whole lot of processing that goes along with all of that.

I hate speaking so vaguely. I'm sorry. The kids are old enough that I can't really share their stories here without their permission.

Work has been good. A few of my repair jobs came back to the store because of problems I had missed or wasn't trained to see. "Boomerangs", as they call them at the shop, are very, very bad news. A hundred in-house mistakes are eventually forgivable, but one public mistake...dude...you're in trouble. My managers decided that my work needed to be better supervised. Which, since it wasn't being supervised AT ALL, wouldn't be hard to do. 

True to form, the edict was made without any process in place or authority delegated. Everyone agrees that it must be done. End of story. No one is assigned to check my work. There is no universal standard I'm being held to. I just do the work the best I know how and beg one of the other mechanics to check it over before I can declare the job is finished. 

 

Each mechanic I can choose from has different preferences. One mechanic will check it out thoroughly, just in the stand, and have an exacting standard, but doesn't want/know how to give feedback so he just makes the minor fixes himself without explanation and gives it back. Another mechanic will give it a decent test ride outside, but not check anything in the stand, and he'll let me know if anything didn't work like it should. The other two are simply too busy to ask so don't even try. 

 

It's a little frustrating, yes, but that's pretty much how apprenticing is supposed to go, right?

The younger boys and I attended ACES Family Academy again. We love sleeping in the dorms, eating in the dining hall, and taking mini classes on campus at the University of Illinois. Here are a few picts from our lovely 1.5 days there. I took a few of them. The rest came from volunteers putting on the event. Can you spot at least one of us in each one??

We hiked the dorm stairs all the way to the top floor (6th). Cool staircase!

Dorm hallway. Can you sense Matthew's excitement?

Every stinking thing about ACES Family Academy is fun. Even walking to dinner.

Since the U of I is so close to us, we biked there and used our bikes to get around. It saved a lot of time and gave us something fun to do in down time. Matthew tried to get us lost, but did not succeed.

 

 

Playing pool at the Illini Union. We all stink at it.

It's the Alma Mater! Another famous U of I landmark.

 

 

 

Waiting for Commencement to start.

Commencement. The three of us are sitting in the middle of the back row. Can you see us?

Plant ID class. We went on a scavenger hunt in the IDEA Garden.

Economy class. We're learning about "economic utility" and how trading influences it. Kids were asked to rate their satisfaction (utility) with 5 different types of candy. Then they were given 5 random pieces and asked to add up their total utility. Then they were allowed to trade with each other. By the end, both James and Matthew had maximized their utility score. It helped Matthew a lot that his favorite candy was Smarties and tons of people were willing to trade with him.

 

Economics class, ranking candy preferences. How would you rank Skittles, Reese's PB cups, Starbursts, Smarties, and Kit Kat?

 

 

Economics class. Man, I look grouchy.

 

 

Economy class. Final photo. Matthew is thrilled. James is NOT happy. It turns out, the last kid to trade him had STOLEN that piece of candy from another participant and the true owner came back for his Reese's. James was left with 4 Reese's and a Smarties. After class, we talked to the instructor and James could trade with her. Matthew decided that ACES Family Academy was a special occasion and therefore released himself from the "no white sugar" part of his vegetarian diet. He's not big into treats, though, and even though Smarties were his favorite, he only ate a couple rolls of them by the time we got home. He nonchalantly threw the rest away.

Junior Naturalist class. We learned how and why scientists track animals in the wild, then each kid got to tag their own stuffed mammal to take home.

 

Playing in Memorial Stadium. We got to play around in the famous football stadium. Famous around here, anyway.

Nosebleed seats give the best view of the whole stadium :)

They served dinner one night in the Stock Pavilion. I thought it was a GREAT idea. So much room to roam.

A mini class about yeast. We got to do an experiment together.

Yeast class. Each group measured the amount of CO2 that came from their yeast metabolizing sugar. Our balloon was the first to stand up on its own!

Yeast class. Matthew reminding me to write down ALL of our observations. He was a real stickler for following the protocol.

James put a face on our balloon, which garnered a lot of attention from the instructors and led to a class-wide phenomenon.

 

 

This was James' third year at ACES Family Academy, so he earned a Master's Degree. He was NOT okay with the public attention, but he hung in there.