Evans Family Visits

We were lucky last week to get visits from two Evans families we really love. First, we got a visit from Bobby's younger brother Bill and his family. Then, a couple days later, we got to spend time with Bobby's parents, Bob and Loretta.

Bill's family arrived in the early afternoon. We sat on the back patio and chatted while I grilled dinner. We don't catch up with those guys nearly enough! Even Matthew came out for a while to talk. We missed Will, but Lukas and Kayla became loud and crazy halfway through dinner. Just like old times. Seriously, those two have some sort of connection. The Evanses were only able to stay a few hours before getting back in the car and finishing their road trip to Louisville, KY, for Bill's graduation. 

A couple days later, Bob and Loretta stopped in Chambana on their way home to Idaho after Bill's graduation. It was really, really hot by the time they came, so we couldn't spend much time outside. We talked for a while inside. James and I gave them a tour of the garden. They helped me prep and freeze piles of greens from my garden. It was a huge relief to have all of those veggies processed. I really wouldn't have gotten around to it without the extra help. 

Bob and Loretta offered to take our family out to dinner that night. True to form, our family didn't disappoint. Matthew was too anxious to attend, Robert found nothing on the menu he could eat, and Lukas kept the conversation going the whole time. Ha ha ha! Welcome to our house. Bob and Loretta seemed to take it well. 

That night didn't go too well for Matthew, though. The next day was Fast Sunday and Matthew needed the sleep, so I stayed home with the younger boys during Sacrament Meeting. Bob and Loretta sat in the chapel with Bobby and Robert. I was able to slip in to Sunday School a little later, but there weren't any seats by those guys, so I sat alone. The lesson was about Ruth, Naomi, and Hannah. I struggled to stay engaged. Sunday School is often a struggle for me *sigh*

After church, Bob and Loretta came over to our house. Robert stayed in his room the whole time (Fast Sunday is really, really hard for him and it's kinda best for everyone if he stays in his room). Matthew was too anxious to spend much time out of his room. I didn't feel chatty. I was exhausted. So, I kinda forced the adults into doing a puzzle. Ha ha ha! Poor Bob and Loretta and Bobby. I had no idea it was such a TERRIBLE puzzle. My apologies.

I got James to make vegan chocolate ice cream. 

Lukas and James wanted to fix bikes that afternoon, so I went out to the garage with them. It's kinda funny. They say they want to work on bikes with me, but the truth is they want to feel like they're working on bikes with me. They don't actually follow my checklists or do the fussy/challenging jobs. They don't like to work on the same bike at the same time, either, and they want to do the work while seated with a fan blowing on them and a cold drink nearby. Ha ha ha! I found myself bouncing back and forth between bikes coming up with tasks for each of them to do. In the hot, hot garage. When I hadn't eaten or drunk anything since dinner the night before. I got a little grumpy. Even so, the three of us managed to get four bikes most of the way done. I only had a little work to do the next morning before taking the bikes back to Salt and Light. That made me happy. 

After working on bikes, I went inside and made dinner a little grumpily. Dinner turned out fine, though. It was awesome having extra adult hands to help. The chocolate "ice cream" turned out alright. It was a pretty straightforward day, but I just wanted a nap.

I wish I could have been in a better frame of mind for Bob and Loretta's visit. They brought me Milano cookies from their travels, which was quite thoughtful. Bob, Loretta, the Pepperidge Farms Outlet Store, and I go way back. Way, way back. Almost as far as Bob, Loretta, Dreamsicles, and I go back. 

We will get to see them again at the end of July for the Evans Family Reunion in Branson, MO. Yay!

Robert Moments

It's late Tuesday night after a long day. Robert and James are busily packing for Youth Conference the next day. It's a big packing job: clothes, toiletries, church clothes, extra shoes, linens and bedding, a bag for the long bus rides, etc. They need things that we don't normally pack for short trips: bug spray, sunscreen, shower shoes, hat, shampoo and conditioner. They need to be responsible for things they don't usually think about: medications. Neither of them know where any of this stuff is, and we're scrambling to find viable substitutes for the things we don't have. 

Robert has very particular needs/concerns for these things. His OCD is well-managed, but he's still a pretty particular guy. Shower shoes are a struggle. This option won't do at all, this option doesn't look right, this option is dirty and will take too long to clean. His bedding needs to be lightweight and compactable, no characters, no loud colors or non-traditional patterns, and definitely not that, that, or that. None of the options at-hand will do. He's frustrated. I'm frustrated. He eventually gives up on asking me for ideas. He happens upon our stash of dog blankets and says, "This is exactly the sort of thing I was looking for! Why didn't you suggest any of these blankets?!"

Um, okay.

Once the kerfuffle settles down and both guys are packed, I send James to the shower. Robert tells me that he recognizes the strain that his particular needs tend to put on me. He can tell that I'm all wound up. He tells me that it would make him feel better to explain why things happened that night the way they did, why he got so frustrated with me, and what I could do in the future to avoid so much frustration. Then he tells me that he wants to do what would make me feel better instead. He offers to massage my shoulders and work out a few knots in my back. I always have knots *sigh* and I gratefully welcome the relief. 

This isn't the first time Robert has chosen my comfort over his own. He admits that he likes doing things for me that no one else can do. For example, getting out my knots. Or making those chocolate covered peanut butter discs. Or caring for Matthew in *just* the right way, remembering all the ins and outs, managing to do the bedtime routine without a triggering hitch. Or driving people somewhere when I've got to finish something at home. I really, really appreciate that. Every time. 

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Something else interesting about Robert...he doesn't mind risk. As a 16-year-old, there are still a few restrictions on his license to drive. There's a curfew, for one, and a limit on the number of people under 21 that he's allowed to transport. Breaking these rules will result in a ticket for him AND for all of his underage passengers. It will also extend the length of time he will be under these restrictions. We all recognize why these restrictions are in place. We also know that they're pretty difficult to enforce unless a teenager is pulled over for some other reason first. Well, Robert is doing the math. He figures that as long as his passengers are fully aware of and compliant with the risk they're taking by breaking any of these rules with him, then he's good to go.

I find this aspect of Robert's personality fascinating. He's a rule keeper until he decides that the reasoning for the rule doesn't apply to him. He's very logical about it, too. It's a calculated risk. No hint of rash, emotional decision making. If caught, he will accept the full consequences of breaking the rule as if it were a simple transaction. 

He asked me what I thought about his reasoning. I laughed. On the surface, I wanted him to follow the restrictions just because they were there. It seemed a matter of integrity, right? Deep down, I knew it was a bet worth making...he's a very responsible driver, he has money to pay the fine, and it's his own driving record at risk here. I told him that. 

We'll have to see what he decides to do in practice.

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After Youth Conference, a few of the youth were asked to share a brief testimony about their experience in church. Robert was one of them. He confessed that the church history facts and names all started to blur together after the sixth house tour, but he was touched by the realization that the gospel is a community. They had to rely on each other back then, and we rely on each other now. He felt connected to all the youth and leaders in a new way.

I found that interesting. Robert is the only member of the church in his entire high school. Youth Conference and FSY must feel like a foreign country to him. I'm grateful he came away with a greater sense of connection.

James Moments

Summer has given me a lot more time with James. He's my buddy. He's always up for running errands, working on bikes, or puttering in the garden. He's got several projects going this year:

Giant pumpkins! He's got 31 pumpkin plants growing on various parts of our property. One third of them are the Atlantic Giant variety, and two thirds came from a 40-pound pumpkin we purchased from Negangard Pumpkin Patch last fall. Some of the vines are already 10 feet long. We've had several moments already where I feel better connected to James. One of his Atlantic Giants isn't doing so well. He considers them his children, so he was pretty sad about it. We had a moment where we could chat about disappointment being a normal part of growing crops...growing problems, insect damage, disease...but farmers plan for that by planting extra. Resilience is part of the game. He felt significantly better after that. James is also growing a purple variety of broccoli, which gave him his first harvest yesterday. We've been incredibly lucky so far with our brassicas. 

Mmmmm, purple broccoli. Will he actually eat any of it? 

Schwinn Stingray Chopper Bike. There's a non-profit, co-op bike shop in Urbana called The Bike Project. I go there sometimes to buy used parts, and I've persuaded them to donate a few dozen bikes to Salt and Light over the years. Anyway, it's a shop where you can work on your own bike, or get help refurbishing one of theirs. If you do the work and pay for the parts, you get to keep the refurbished bike in the end. James has come with me a few times for parts. A couple weeks ago, he spotted a bike that he simply HAD to have. He couldn't stop thinking about it, or worrying that someone else would claim it before he could. Lucky for him, it was still available the next time we could get there. He's been fixing it up with help from me. We just *barely* finished all the repairs at closing time last night. Unfortunately, it was too late to get a final safety inspection, so he didn't get to take it home. Yet. 

Emotional Regulation. James' anxiety plus puberty has made for some volatile moments. His paralytic episodes are no fun. Thanks to some advice from my parents and siblings, though, I've modified my reactions to encourage more talking on his part and more listening on my part. That's been a real help. In fact, just a couple of days ago, several things happened all at once and James instantly shut down paralyzed. He was clearly distressed, couldn't form words, and screamed whenever we asked him questions or tried to reassure him. He eventually clambored back to his room and slammed the door. Maybe 20 minutes later, he came out of his room looking completely normal. He verbalized his concern in a totally normal voice in a couple of sentences, and we were able to resolve the issue that triggered the paralysis. Done. That is progress, my friends! 

Church engagement. One of James' goals this summer is to attend Sacrament Meeting in the chapel every week and/or go to the mid-week youth activities. Prior to this goal, he would attend church in the car via zoom and come in to the foyer only during the sacrament itself. He's done really well with this, and his goal has pushed him a little, but he's proud of himself. In addition, he attended our stake youth conference last week. All the youth were bussed 7 hours to Kirtland, OH, for 2 days of church history tours and spiritual activities, then bussed 7 hours back. Robert and James were pretty tired when I picked them up. On the drive home from the church, James said begrudgingly, "I did NOT enjoy that physically, socially, or emotionally, but it was a good spiritual experience. Now my testimony is stronger and I know a lot more about our church and the gospel." Later, the bishop told me how James had born his testimony at a meeting in the Kirtland temple. James, like Matthew, hasn't attended any second hour classes at church for almost a year. 

I made him take this picture with this frog. Not sure why. We were on our road trip. This is a Panera restaurant that we stopped at for lunch.

James took this picture of his favorite sibling.

Moments with Matthew

One of Matthew's goals this summer is to do something social with friends every week. A sub-goal that I forced onto him *cough* was that he would get out of the house, or engage with people from outside of our home, at least once a day. We're three weeks into summer, and it's going pretty well. It goes ESPECIALLY well when Matthew gets together with his friends. He just lights up, and he's happy the rest of the day. 

• One Monday, we met up with a friend at Elevate, an indoor trampoline park. I can't describe how relieved and happy it made me feel to see him act so...normal...running around, joking, conversing back and forth. No anxiety. Not one trigger. I got to chat a little with his friend's mom about school and work and such. After two hours at the trampoline park, I needed some time to myself. Matthew, however, was animated and happy for hours. Still no anxiety.

• The very next day, we met up with another friend at the bowling alley. It was Matthew, me, Lukas, James, Matthew's friend, and his friend's mom. I haven't had that much fun in a long time. It helped a TON that both Lukas and the other mom were the type who could easily chat and get along with anyone. The other mom called herself a "golden retriever personality." I had to look that up, "Golden Retrievers are considerate, good-natured and strong team players. They’re naturally kindhearted and love helping, serving and looking for ways to come alongside others." (Source: Focus on the Family website). It doesn't hurt that these two people are also extroverted. Everyone felt at ease. The interesting, lively conversation never stopped. Matthew, again, was rejuvenated and happy. He was happy! Completely unbothered by anything. 
• He's taken the goal and sub-goal really well. Sometimes, he'll even ask to go out and about unprompted. We've made trips to the library, had people over, run errands together, gone to appointments, visited goats, and taken a road trip. It's good for all of us.

Maybe these moments don't sound notable to you. And, if things go well, they might not sound notable to me in 10 years, either, but living with Matthew these days carries a considerable weight. I'm always on alert for triggers, always curating my words and calculating how much emotion to show, debating how much to push him, keeping track of when he last ate or showered or took his meds, carefully planning opportunities for him to engage with the world outside our home, and trying not to be disappointed when he just can't do this/that/the other thing that day. Moments of apparent normalcy give me a little relief. 

Goofing around in the dentist's waiting room

Swimming at the Stucki's pool

Love the pool!

Ringing Rocks County Park, Upper Black Eddy, PA

Intrepid explorer

Short hike to the rock field. I love these guys.

Mercer Museum, Doylestown, PA. This was an interesting place. We found all the scavenger hunt stamps.

Look at us! Evanses eating dinner at a Bob Evans restaurant.

Fonthill Castle, Doylestown, PA. The home of an eccentric billionaire historian collector tile maker.

The Virginia Theater in downtown Champaign. We came to this show with Lukas to see some kids from church perform. It was surprisingly fun.

A Lesson About Matthew

Robert and James left for Youth Conference this morning. They'll be spending the next couple of days in Kirtland, Ohio. Once Bobby left for work, it was just me and Matthew at home. I went to the gym with Erin, took Matthew to therapy, made lunch for the two of us, then we headed out to run some errands. Matthew was in a pretty good mood all day, except, he had a low point. We were driving to our next destination and Matthew tried to whistle. He couldn't get any sound to come out. He has tried to whistle off and on for years. No luck. Then he tried rolling his R's and remembered how hard that is for him, too. Last semester in Spanish class, he FINALLY got his tongue to cooperate, but it takes a lot of effort and doesn't produce much sound. It's not anything he could use in a real word, anyway.

That's when he got sad. He said that everyone he knows can do one or both of those things without trying very hard at all. He said that's what it feels like in a LOT of things. He hasn't found a single thing that he's good at without having to work harder than everyone else at it. Then he slumped down in his seat and asked to go home. He said he was feeling stressed. These thoughts had triggered his anxiety.

I then remembered something from this morning. Matthew woke up frustrated and angry. He said he had just had a nightmare where he was winning a race, but eventually came in dead last. 

Being behind/last is one of Matthew's nightmares. I finally made the connection! He's always catching up in some form every day of his life...

--Baby of the family, the last to reach every milestone

--Spelling, multiplication, and multi-step projects take 100x longer for him than for other kids in his class

--Anxiety causes him to miss out on church functions and social events, so he never really knows what's going on

I assured him that he needs more time than the other kids but he's just as capable as them. Taking more time won't make any difference in the end. He has everything he needs to be successful in life.

He wasn't comforted. It still feels like constantly catching up. 

Thankfully, we had three more stops before we were done with our errands. Matthew didn't feel like going into the first store with me, but by the time I got back, he was giggling and doing something sneaky with my phone. 

(He had set a reminder every year that contained a bucket load of unicorns, rainbows, and other such froofiness. Goofy kid.)

Next, we dropped off a bike and picked up two more from Salt and Light. I love it when there are bikes to pick up!

Our last stop was the grocery store. It was hot today. Crazy hot. Mid-90s and humid. UGH! I wanted something cold and sweet and Matthew readily agreed. Better yet, we wouldn't have to share any of it with Robert or James! So, we picked out a few frozen treats (and a package of cinnamon rolls from the bakery *cough*) and took them home. Matthew spent the rest of the day in a great mood.

Y'know, car rides have created the most remarkable opportunities for real conversations with my kids. Each one. Yesterday, with James, we talked about something that has been really hard for him/us. He spoke candidly and we made a plan together. As we walked away from the car, he said he was really glad that he could talk to me about things that he couldn't talk to other people about. 

I was glad to get this peek into Matthew's mind today. Unfortunately, I don't have any answers for him. I don't know what it's like to struggle with spelling, math facts, and his degree of anxiety. I wish I could give him a broader perspective, though, and the faith I have that his work will be rewarded. These last couple of decades have changed my feelings about work. You do the work that creates the outcomes you care about. Nothing is achieved without work, and 99% of work is inconvenient, tedious, and taxing in some way. Eventually, though, you create what you were working towards: a beautiful garden, greater faith in God, 2500 miles of bike rides across the country, meaningful relationships with people I love, a strong body, and a new skill or two.

I'm rooting for you, Matthew!