Just Too Much

I hit another rough patch with this summer thing. I go and go and go all day doing fun things, planning the next fun things, cleaning up from the last fun thing, and bouncing kids to and from all their activities. We're checking off all kinds of lists: summer reading programs, mom time, regular physical activity, healthy meals, regular family scripture study and prayer, keeping up with the kids' chores, and cramming in all the usual fun summer things like chasing fireflies, putting a slip-n-slide in the front yard, gardening, grilling, making blanket forts, touring around with out-of-town guests, and spending lots of time together.

So why am I unhappy?! Why do I feel like I suddenly stink at this mom-of-four thing? Why do I feel my energy drained the moment I wake up in the morning? Why am I begging for summer to be over?

Is it because I don't like my kids anymore?

Well, I don't like their bickering. And sometimes they drive me crazy as they're still figuring out needs from wants and rights from privileges and they are constantly toeing that fine line between being honest and being mean.

(Especially Robert lately. I am not fond of this phase. Sleepaway summer camp sounds SO good right now. I might even ship him off to his grandparents' if they weren't both serving missions at the moment.)

*sigh*

But that's growing up. That's parenting. I signed up for that. Those life skills are stinking hard to learn, and not very fun, but I do love to see my kids figuring this out. It's just a lot to take on all four kids going through their own life stages simultaneously.

There are things I observed and loved this week about each child. And I could easily wax sentimental about how I love them in general. I think I'm good in the "loving my kids" department. Do I like them, though? Hm...yeah. I think I do. I'd like them more, though, if I didn't have to play referee as often ;)

So then, am I unhappy because we're over scheduled?

Perhaps.

No, very possible.

No, if I'm being honest with myself, over scheduling is probably the majority of my difficulty. Over scheduling PLUS the concomitant lack of sleep. There's currently no space in the day for all the things in life that don't normally get scheduled: housekeeping, making dinner, downtime, spontaneous outings, and RECHARGE activities. Oh, how I need recharge time.

My recharge activities are typically: working on the farm, blogging, bringing order to physical disorder, pulling weeds, walking/talking/connecting with a friend, a giant pile of cooked veggies to eat for lunch/dinner, and being alone in my own house to work on projects of my choosing.

I've also realized that I'm happier with unstructured time between scheduled activities. Ebb and flow. My lists are endless, the kids' demands are endless, but I can manage it all better when it comes in waves instead of fire hose force.

So, what will I do? How can I bring these recharging activities back into my life with 4 kids at home? I look at my calendar and think, "What can I possibly cut?!"

I think it starts with recognizing when I'm spending more energy than I have. And allowing my kids to get bored or my to-do list to get longer while I pulls weeds or walk with a friend or post some pictures to the blog.

Speaking of which, here is a whirlwind tour of the last little while:

Slip-n-Slide

Enormous bubbles

More enormous bubbles

Blanket fort #3. They slept in this one, or a variation thereof, for almost a week.

Touring with out-of-town guests. We spent the night in a nautical-themed tree house in the middle of a 10-acre forest about 10 minutes from Nauvoo, IL. Pretty cool.

One of my favorite out-of-town guests: my sister Heather.

Summer schedules can be exhausting. I love that he fell asleep with his legs crossed.

 Very close to a giant pile of cooked veggies ;). This meal made me happy and I just had to take a picture of it. On the bottom is artisan bread, toasted, sporting a thin layer of goat cheese (yeah, it's worth the gut pain). Then a layer of sauteed shiitake mushrooms (thyme, olive oil, white wine, broth), and topped with runny-yolked fried eggs and browned zucchini. It's the perfect blend of tastes and textures that just pushes all of my buttons. Dude. I love this.

I'm glad I sorted this out a bit. And I have a plan to make things better. Not a moment too soon, either. The kids have been out of school for a month. Two months to go.

Thanks

Two days later, I'm feeling a little more balanced than before.

Alice and Robert helped me figure out where the day started to go wrong, and we worked out some ways to prevent that in the future. The kids didn't want to break me. They took no joy in it. And they were interested in avoiding it in the future, too :)

Thanks to those of you who offered support/encouragement. I'm so dang lucky to have friends and family who can empathize/encourage in situations with these without a hint of pity or self-righteousness. I love you for that.

Back to the grind I go!

Summer Honeymoon is Over!

The kids broke me today.

Broke me like...I had started making dinner, and then suddenly I wanted to run away forever. The whole day of this and that and the other thing weighing/stressing/pulling on me (almost always incidents with kids) culminated in a wooden sword fight where Robert hurt James, which triggered an aggressive retaliation, which led to much wailing and screaming and so many tears. Tears for the pain. Tears for the perceived injustice of it all. James ran instantly to his room, climbed into his loft bed, and pulled the covers over his face. Robert crumpled dramatically to the floor, grasping the wounded hand, screaming up towards his ceiling with his eyes squinched shut.

All I could do was quietly close their doors on them and grab my phone to call Bobby. He would come home and I could leave before I did something I would regret.

Then I saw it was 5pm...he would be home soon anyway...I could lock myself in my room and read my book until he got back, but that hasn't fared well for me in the past. No, I had to buck up and finish making dinner. I didn't get to quit today.

I did reach out to a friend, though. I just had to tell SOMEONE that I was done with this mom thing. Someone who would get right back to me that moment. But I soon realized that I had no room to complain...she had just endured a painful and incapacitating round of bronchitis while on a 2-week road trip and camping trip with her family of 6 kids. She was only a 9-hour drive from home (compared to 30 hours one way), but it would take 24 hours to complete that last leg for one reason or another.

So, I couldn't quit. But it could certainly be worse. I would therefore make dinner and endure the rest of the evening, promising myself that I would do what it took to recharge after the kids went to bed.

And that's where I am now.

Coping.

And I'm going to bed at 8:30pm. I need it.

I will end with this odd picture of me, though, and the story behind it...

I was ripping out high tunnel tomato plants at the end of the season on the farm last year. I usually carried my phone in my breast pocket so I could hear my podcasts and alarms without earbuds. Well, I had an enormous armload of plants that I was dragging out of the high tunnel when heard a soft "thud" in the dirt behind me. It was my phone, but I couldn't get to it right away. I finished taking out the plants and came back for it. Apparently, the phone's fall had turned on the camera AND somehow got it to start taking pictures in rapid succession. So, this picture is one of the last in a series that shows just the high tunnel ceiling, then my little head getting closer and closer with a gloved hand reaching down towards the lens. It made me laugh.

First Talk

Alice gave her first talk in Sacrament Meeting today! She looked confident. She kept her cool. She smiled out of nervousness, but her words were her own and they came naturally. I'm incredibly impressed with her.

Way to keep it together, girlie!

Also, I was quite surprised by her preparation of the talk, too. She didn't freak out. She asked Bobby to help at first. He got her started and showed her a couple conference talks online that she could study from. Then she sat down and did it. Plowed right through. No whining, complaining, wailing, gnashing of teeth, bartering, begging, pleading, stomping...nothing. Bam. She's been writing her own talks for several years already, but this was the first one she's had to give in front of adults. And she nailed it: genuine, confident, and real.

I'm so impressed with this girl.

And I get stuck deciding how to express these feelings to her. I should just say what I feel, right? That gets me in trouble sometimes. Alice takes verbal praise very seriously. She remembers details about it forever. She absorbs it instantly into her identity. For example, she won't think, "I gave a great talk," she'll think, "I'm a person who gives great talks." Which ramps up her expectations for next time and stresses her out all the more. What if the next talk isn't great? It triggers an identity crisis and she redefines herself, "I'm someone who doesn't always give great talks." I've tried to head this off in the past by selecting my words carefully and framing all of our family and individual discussions about learning/failing/trying within the "growth mindset": "Growth mindset is based on the belief that your basic qualities are things you can cultivate through your efforts." ("Mindset: the New Psychology of Success", Carol Dweck) But I always worry that what I say will be remembered forever in the wrong way. Ugh.

Another concern I have is that I don't want my praise to be the only reason she pursues something. Especially in spiritual matters. Especially in a gospel that asks so much from its members.

But I do want her to know that she's asking good questions and experimenting on the word and learning from her mistakes and successes, slowly building a foundation of experiences that will shape her future decisions. She's tackling this growing up thing like a champ!

I guess I can tell her that :)

So Much Summer

I was totally freaking out about this summer driving me nuts. Remember? And while it's been busy and loud and exhausting in its own way, it's also been one of my favorite summers to date.

Why? We're doing fun things the kids are actually excited about. All the kids are old enough and close enough in age that there are several activities they can all enjoy at the same time (pool, library, lunch at a burger joint, walk in the park). And summer is young enough that the kids still remember school's rigorous schedule and demands. They still feel free.

And the weather has been unseasonably cool and dry. Perfect for being outdoors.

What have we been doing? Every day feels like a whirlwind of noise, coercion, feeding people, constant conversation, household mess, and go go go. But it's fun. How can that be?!

Alice has been baking and experimenting with fondant.

James and Matthew have spent TONS of time outside. Here is our friendly backyard toad. I'm pretty sure they keep catching the same one over and over again.

We are experimenting with a new set of chores. The kids make bigger messes now and they are much more capable of contributing to the upkeep of the house. New chores are more fun than the old ones. They also involve new tools, like the vacuum, which James and Matthew find hilariously entertaining in its own right.

We've been to our local libraries several times already. All the kids have signed up for the summer reading programs and the older two have already completed their hours. This is a picture of Matthew using his hard-earned screen time at the library instead of at home. He's asked several times to try one of their iPads. Robert and James helped him navigate it while I picked up another boatload of books for reading at home.

We checked out a new-to-us park while Alice attended her babysitting class nearby.

James, Matthew, and I attended a free fishing clinic. All catch and release. The instructor provided everything. The fish were biting real well that morning, and the boys were catching fish within seconds of casting in their lines. Every time. For two whole hours. James couldn't get enough of it.

Matthew got a little bored with all the action. He has NO idea how long people usually have to wait to catch fish.

We've been doing a lot of yard work. James has been an excellent help this year. Together, we protected the cherries and blueberries from birds, cut down a few unwanted tree volunteers (he took this one out himself with only a that single hand saw), harvested and ripped out the last of the strawberries and peas, weeded the garden and side yard, planted new perennials around the yard, and identified all sorts of wildlife. James has started a bug collection.

The kids have had a few "sleepovers" where they all sleep in the same room. The most recent one was in Alice's room...three kids on a twin bed. Holy moly.

Alice and Robert took a fencing camp. Here, Alice is on the left in the black leggings sparring with the only other girl in the camp. Alice had a lot of fun with this and would like to continue in fencing.

Here is Robert in all his fencing gear, hooked up to the cable for one of his bouts during the final tournament today. He had a lot of fun with it this week, too. He and Alice would talk and talk and talk about all the minute details of the camp and all the rules of fencing for hours. Hours! I watched 2 hours of their final tournament and I still can't really tell what earns you a point and what doesn't. Sheesh. It's complicated.

Happy campers. The three layers of gear gets pretty hot. They worked up a sweat.

Not all of us were so thrilled to watch so much fencing on the last day.

Matthew was struggling to care, too. I let him take pictures with my phone and he snapped this lovely selfie right up my nose. Enjoy!

We have something going every week all summer. And it's different every time. I've had terrible dreams every night for the last week about accidentally messing things up or losing something important or facing the consequences of poor decisions made in haste. I think my psyche hasn't found a new summer groove yet. I feel like I have a lot of plates spinning at once. I did it on purpose, of course, and I'm glad we get to try new things and visit people and spend so much time together building relationships. It's just very different from the school routine and I'm still adjusting. Loving it, but not feeling stable in it just yet.

First Firefly!

I saw my first firefly of the season last night while I was walking in my neighborhood. My friend saw it first, actually, so she wins the first round, but on my walk home I saw 10 more, which means I've seen more than she has. Ha! I'm such a poor sport. Competition brings out the worst in me *sigh*

Some recent happenings...

The kids asked to have a campout in the backyard tonight. Bobby and I don't sleep outside, and Alice was all into it, so we let them stay out there on their own. It lasted until dark, then they burst from the tent to chase fireflies. Then they got scared and came inside to sleep in their beds.

Inside the farm's high tunnel. The white strings are there to support the tomato plants just getting started.

I am happy to work in the high tunnel until these things break open and release hundreds (thousands?) of baby zipper spiders. I put my fingers in the picture for size comparison. Keeping a close eye. I was tempted to bring one home for us to hatch on our own, but then...well...we'd have hundreds (thousands?) of baby spiders hanging around. I love the idea of watching their birth, but I'm pretty sure I would die of the heebie-jeebies within seconds.

Mom of Three

I've gotta say, mothering 3 kids at once is easier than mothering 4 at once. And it doesn't matter which kid is missing. Robert was at Cub Scout Day Camp all Saturday and Alice has been gone at Girls' Camp the last two days. All three days have had their own kind of charm. It's also been the first few days of summer, which may be more of a factor than having one less child in the mix. Hm. Maybe I'm drawing conclusions too soon.

I miss Alice. I wonder what she's doing and how she's feeling. I think about her especially at night after the kids are in bed when she would normally approach Bobby and me about feeling scared or not being able to sleep. Is she feeling those things at camp? Is she talking to her friends and leaders about it? Or is everything so different that it's not even a factor?

Robert and James played for a couple hours outside together. No Matthew or Alice involved at all. They bonded over the digging hole and a rock Robert was filing into an arrowhead.

I took the boys to Larson Park to play tennis. It was dreamy weather for it...cool, sunny, no humidity. We borrowed a couple more rackets from our friends, even though I didn't expect James and Matthew to play seriously, but the first 5 minutes were really exciting and it was REALLY important that everyone have their own gear. If the first 5 minutes go sour, the whole outing is tainted and grouchy. Robert liked it enough that he wants to do it again. James, not so much. He and Matthew had far more fun chasing the butterfly that kept landing on the court. Thank goodness for the playground nearby, too.

Twice today, Matthew came up to me and said, "I'm bored. I don't know what to do." I replied with, "Ok" or "That's great!" and he didn't like that. He's been especially tired since we started our Star Wars marathon. Alice would never want to see them, so we thought we'd watch them with the boys while she's away at camp. Yesterday was Episode 4, tonight was Episode 5, and tomorrow is Episode 6. It's fun! A few interesting comments from Robert:

The opening music/sequence started and Robert remarked, "This movie sounds OLD. Like it's really OLD music."

Darth Vader appears for the first time and Robert gets all happy excited, "Darth Vader has asthma! Like me!!"

And then Robert insisted no other conversations were allowed during the rest of the film. James and Matthew kept asking, "What's that?" "What's going on?" "Are they going to be okay?" "Is someone going to die in this part?" "Why did they do that?"

Cracks me up.

Also, while Alice is away, Robert is top dog. He talks to me more (less competition with peers, no older peer to interact with). He's found a remarkable well of patience. Just yesterday, he said, "I've decided to keep in a lot of the things I would normally say [in response to James and Matthew's comments]."

I cock an eyebrow, "Really? Why?"

"Because they're kinda mean and they don't really need to be said."

*cue the angelic chord* For one brief moment, he saw the bigger picture! Something bigger than himself. He. Can. Grow. Up!

Without Alice around, and a flexible summer schedule, there's no one to dictate or organize the next big activity. The boys are left to their own devices. For Robert today, that meant:

As he mixed, he swooned, "I looove the smell of chocolate brownie batter." He added Cocoa Rice Krispies to the batter for crunch. Mixed reviews.

Burning materials with his magnifying glass and solar energy (bowl of water nearby, adult supervision, eye protection)

Allerton Park

In four days, Bobby and I will have lived in Urbana for 16 years. It's blowing my mind! And it wasn't long after we moved here that I heard tales of an elaborate mansion and extensive gardens just 45 minutes away called Allerton Park. I have wanted to visit, but always found some excuse big enough to keep me away...

...until now.

My friend let me know that Allerton Park's peony garden was in full bloom and that she and her kids have visited Allerton frequently over the years and loved it repeatedly. That was the tipping point for me and we finally made the trip Memorial Day weekend!

The experience was everything I wanted it to be. And more. My kids are just the right ages and personalities to get a kick out of the wide open spaces, the trails in the forest, the wildlife, the surprising bits of art here and there, and the highly manicured formal gardens that seem to have popped out of a fairy tale. Our friends joined us there and the kids had fun running, climbing, snacking, and hiking together.

A few of my favorite parts:

--Robert whining/pouting about not wanting to go to a stupid garden, then totally amazed and excited about absolutely everything once we got there. Everything.

--James spotting every piece of sculpture, remembering it from a picture map at the beginning of our exploration.

--The kids running up and down the little rolling hills in the "meadow" shouting, "It's like the Sound of Music! It's like the Sound of Music!"

--The pond in front of the mansion. It had turtles, bullfrogs, enormous tadpoles, fish, and crawfish. We saw them all. Another family shared their bread with us and we could feed the fish a little. We saw a big turtle chasing after the bread, then snapping onto a pretty big fish and dragging it down to the bottom of the pond. Pretty dramatic. We saw a woodpecker in the woods. Robert and James collected snails for a while.

--The tower in the Fu Dog garden. I got to climb the steep metal steps with my friend and look out on the greenery. The whole time we were together, we talked about things that matter a lot to me. I really like conversations like those.

--Listening to Percy Jackson's Greek Mythology by Rick Riordan during the car ride. Not the Percy Jackson story itself, but the character Percy Jackson giving you his most accurate retelling of Greek mythology. It was like listening to "The Story of the World." Have you listened to that before? Anyway, even Matthew was engaged and asking questions. No sibling fighting. Bliss.

Some pictures from our visit:

I only kiss land mammals (donkeys, reindeer). Bobby seems to prefer sea creatures.

Sunken garden

This is the Koi Pond, not the big pond with all the other kinds of wildlife in it.

Spiral stairs up the tower

I'd like to go back with just adults to explore it a little slower. Maybe take some of the longer hiking trails and find the one sculpture we didn't see...The Last Centaur. The mansion rents rooms at a decent price. Maybe Bobby and I could make a date night out of it sometime? Hmmmm.

Stairsteps #2, 3, and 4

Bobby snapped this stair step picture yesterday without my knowledge. The kids and I are checking out a few families of geese on a lawn near our church building. There were young goslings of 3 different ages. James pointed to one family and said, "Hey! That's our family! Two grown ups and four goslings!"

Speaking of stair steps, Alice's band teacher suggested we buy her the next level of flute. Her beginner flute has done well for three years. I'm not a flute expert. Ms. DeBauche has decades of musical teaching experience and plays the flute herself. She says Alice is a great flute player and needs a better flute to grow her skills. I asked Alice's flute teacher about it. He offered to meet us at the music shop where Alice could try a whole bunch of flutes and find one that will help her take the next step in her training. I thought we'd be there 20-30 minutes max, and it was the first day of summer, so I had to bring the boys along. They were fine the first 30 minutes. But Alice wasn't done yet. The NEXT 30 minutes were stressful for me. Thankfully, we discovered a little waiting room. After James tried (and was told not to do, and obediently stopped) every sneaky, naughty, exploratory thing he could think of in the room, he and Matthew fell into a wrestling game on the floor.

They both had fun. And no one got hurt! And it got us through to the end! Alice had finally found a flute that not only sounded tons better than her beginner flute, but was easier to play, and would push her to develop the breath control she needed to be a better flutist.

Unfortunately, it was much more expensive than I wanted it to be.

I found myself stuck. And a little sick.

I was instantly trying to put a value on Alice's potential. I was trying to guess how much longer she would keep playing the flute, if maybe she could get a college scholarship with it. What if we bought a cheaper new flute that was harder to play...would that be self-defeating? Will she have time for the flute with her more rigorous classes next year? Does she love it? Really, really love it? I want her to be fantastic at everything that's important to her. I want to support her in the things she loves, not just the things I value. But that was so. much. money.

ARGH!!

I ultimately decided to buy the flute, mixed feelings and all.

I tucked the dangling paper price tag into my dresser drawer, right next to a couple other treasures that stir up mixed emotions. Why do I keep these specific treasures? Because I haven't figured out yet why I feel that way about them, and that is delicious to ponder.

And here's the absolute truth: Alice sounds TONS better on this flute. I actually enjoy listening to her practice.

And the final stair step for this post:

All four kids ready for the last day of the school year! We rode our bikes. The weather was incredible! My friend helped me make the most of my last day of freedom. I really appreciated that. Next year, I'll have a 7th grader, a 4th grader, a 1st grader, and preschooler in his very last year of preschool. It's a little shocking to think my youngest will be 5! Not as shocking as getting pregnant again would be, but you know what I mean ;)

Stairstep

I love the stair-step effect when my kids line up in a row like this.

And some day, I will see this picture again and try to remember what life with these kids at these ages was like.

I'll see James' cocky hip and think, "Oh yes, I should have known then that..."

And Alice's confident, beaming face will make me think, "Wow, she was like that even back then!"

Robert's expression will make me laugh as I remember something he did in high school.

And Matthew's obsession with pajamas and swim suits will come back to me full-force as I tell his kids about it.

Who ARE these kids? What kinds of adults will they become? In the next 10 years, we'll look like a totally different family. I'll be a totally different mom. But still me. More of me? A better me? I can only hope. Ask me in 10 years :)

Can't Process

The last week or two has flown by. Maybe it's been a month. I can't tell anymore. I have a stockpile of pictures and mixed feelings to sort through, but very little time or energy at the end of the day to process them on the blog. I'm sad about that. If I don't process it, then it doesn't stay with me, and I lose the learning experience.

I will catch up, but not tonight. Tomorrow is my first early morning shift at the farm and I've got to go to bed now. It's also Alice's first day at Girls' Camp. Both of those "firsts" will make it harder to sleep tonight ;)