Out of Sorts

I'm feeling a bit out of sorts. Like my life is moving too fast for me. More and more, I'm showing up to events and appointments not fully prepared. Not completely present. Always in a rush.

I don't like this.

I feel the urge to sit quietly and figure it all out. To blog and blog and blog until it all makes sense again. Then maybe I'll start living my life again instead of just surviving it. Where do I start?

My kids? The farm? My responsibilities at church? My relationship with my spouse? Building new friendships nearby? Maintaining friendships that have become long-distance? Keeping my house orderly and clean? Developing my constantly evolving personal identity? Working through my mental/emotional hangups?

I'm all over the place. But that's a good list to start with.

I've got to warn you: the following will be a bit of a brain/heart dump, so you might not find it as entertaining as some of my other blog posts.

My kids. I think about them a lot. Each one so unique with very specific needs and me with a finite set of resources. I am proud of their thought processes and skills. Tonight, Robert and James worked together on carving James' pumpkin...knives, pointy sticks, gut scrapers...they asked permission, got together everything they needed, and got to work. They didn't make a huge mess. They didn't fight. They didn't get hurt. It actually worked remarkably well with minimal supervision (i.e. I was in the next room reading to James and Matthew). These are capable kids. I'm proud of their choices. I love to see them analyze and choose. And yet, and yet, and yet, I can't be there for all of it. I can't see all of it. I can't snuggle Robert as often as he would like me to. I can't play Matthew's imaginary games as long as he wants me to. I can't give James all the big physical touch (hugs, squeezes, wrestles, pushes, races) and eye contact and quiet conversations that he craves to know that he's loved every. single. minute. of his glorious life. And Alice. Oh, Alice. I can't begin to give this complex and warm and sensitive person the dedicated attention she thrives on. I am a mom of four siblings, and I want to be a mom of four single children. Each one on his/her own could fill my life to the brim and I would be completely satisfied.

The farm. I love it. I love to feel strong and useful. I get to learn new things. I get to meet people with totally different strengths and perspectives from my own. And it's ending. I'm not as sad about it this year as I was last year at this time, though. This morning, Gaye called me "analytical" as a compliment. It made me smile. She called me a "beast" last year (also a compliment). It means a lot to me that these people notice what I do.

My responsibilities at church. I've been working as a leader in the children's organization at church for a year now. I'm still struggling to feel useful. I'm still reluctant to take on the work. I've got a real mind block here and it's been a tough nut to crack.

My relationship with my spouse. Don't worry. We're good. I feel like Bobby is more my friend and partner than I've ever allowed him to be since we started having kids. We share the kid load better now. I often forget to tell him our plans, though, and that can be a source of frustration for him. Sorry, Bobby.

Building new friendships nearby. I live in a university town. People don't tend to stay very long. And the ones that move in every year look less and less like me and my family...they're younger, fewer kids (if any), and not interested in growing roots here. That's okay, of course. I don't expect people to move here to be my friends :) but it's a constant source of stress for me.

Maintaining long-distance friendships. I love my friends. They have seen me through some critical moments in my life. We've shared deep, meaningful discussions. That closeness sustains me in so many ways. And that closeness requires regular time and effort to maintain it. I give it gladly. Quality time with good friends recharges my batteries and strengthens me to do what needs to be done. Even when I don't want to do it. Genuine empathy and knowing that I am loved are the keys to my happiness. Friends are a major source of these critical ingredients in my life.

Keeping my house orderly and clean. I organize and clean things when the chaos and filth start to bother me. I am not often bothered. Enough said.

Developing my constantly evolving identity. I wear many hats. I am not the same Susan I was 20 years ago, or even 1 year ago. I have a terrible memory and I am not very sentimental, so my past carries less weight than my present and future. Sure, there are experiences in my past that continue to shape me now, but they might not always do that. Or I'll forget that they did/do. I feel like this point in my life is a hefty transition: living with an anxiety disorder, shifting into a new gear of parenthood, coming to rediscover who I really want to become. My therapist gently used the word "intense" to describe my temperament and approach to relationships. I raised an eyebrow at first, but as I thought about it later, I came to see that she's right. If I could somehow let everyone who ever interacted with me know that I'm a pretty intense person, then I wouldn't be so afraid of interacting with them. Guess what, world?! I'm intense. I think too hard about things. I analyze and process and internalize things to a degree that makes most people roll their eyes. I love that part about me. And I hate it. It makes it so difficult to have a light, surface conversation. It makes some people uncomfortable. Whatever my task, whoever you are, wherever I find myself, that is how I live in this world: intensely. I need a button to wear on my chest that says as much: "I am an intense person. You may find this awkward. I can't turn it off. You've been warned." So, when it comes to figuring out me and what I want to do with the next chapter of my life, there's no easy answer.

Working through my mental/emotional hangups. Therapy is a beautiful thing. It works for me.

Ok, that helped. I'm getting a grip again. Just in time for bed. I should leave you with one picture, though, as a reward for scrolling to the end of this long, wordy blog post. Maybe two pictures.

Mom and Dad helped all day to make and can 48 quarts of applesauce. That's 12 gallons. Or about 100# of sauce. Thank you!

My carrot harvest this year. Aren't they PRETTY?! Most of them are about 8 inches long. Woo hoo!

Matthew is 5!

What can I tell you about this gem of a darling? My mom is right: he's clearly someone we all dote on. He's growing up in a home where everything he does is darling, cute, and so, so loved by all.

Poor kid.

The real world can be a little bit harsher than that. Sorry, Matthew. I can help pay for therapy later...

I love it when my kids decorate their own birthday cakes!

Matthew is Alice's baby kitty and ninja school pupil and all-around-good-buddy. He LOVES her attention.

General Conference can be exhausting.

A photo shoot with Alice.

More photos with Alice. Notice how dirty their feet are? That's from outdoor ninja school.

Big blue eyes.

Excellent with a pair of scissors.

90% of the time, you'll find Matthew in pajamas or a swimsuit. They're just plain comfier than play clothes and he'll change into them the moment he's allowed to.

Matthew's perpetual stuffy nose and various speech quirks make everything he says sound cuter. Even when he's steaming mad at you, ya just want to cuddle him close and kiss that shaggy head.

But don't kiss Matthew these days. He'll peel any kiss off and throw it back in your face. I'm not sure where he picked up this behavior, but it's sticking for now.

He can't stand to be alone. He'll play on his own pretty well, but only if other people are around and making noise.

The other day, I watched him play with his siblings in Erin's backyard, and he seemed taller. Stronger. More capable. Agile. Verbal. He acted like a kindergartner. He's five now, but it's so hard to imagine that because he's still my youngest child, no matter how we cut it. I felt a pang of something emotional as I watched him be the big kid he is. I can't quite decide which emotion it was. It was probably several of them, actually. It was the first time I couldn't deny the pace of his growth. I have wanted him to catch up, catch up, catch up his whole life...somehow, for that breath, I wanted him to pause. I wanted to take in everything that he was right then before anything more could change.

Matthew is apparently a model student. His teachers at school tell me over and over that they want to bottle him up and keep him there forever.

He is patient most of the time. Easy-going often. And pretty easy to get along with. I can see James' influence on him. I can see a little of Alice in him. Alice and Matthew are alike in many, many ways. Like book ends.

He rolls his eyes when asked to write anything...doesn't enjoy that activity in the slightest...but he did manage to sound out how to spell "bam" and "poop" during his birthday dinner. His complete disinterest in writing/recognizing letters makes me wonder if he might have a little dyslexia like his dad and grandpa. I'll keep an eye on that, I think.

A sweet a generous addition to our family, this one. We're so stinkin' glad to have you with us, Matthew! Happy Birthday!

Pumpkin Fun

We took a trip to Negangard Pumpkins this year!

Found a few keepers.

Carved them up with Grandma.

But I'm making you wait to see the finished products. We'll light them up for Halloween, rain or shine...or snow, as the case may be this year. Brrrrrr!

Matthew's Friends

Matthew is lucky to have friends like these. They make him laugh, they play the imaginative and physical games he craves, and they enjoy playing with him as much as he enjoys playing with them.

I wish I could guarantee him friends like these for the rest of his life.

Meet Shadow!

Let me introduce you to the newest member of our household: Shadow.

James has been an attentive host so far, and everyone is still super excited to help with Shadow chores, so we're still in the honeymoon phase of this relationship. 

Another confession: sometimes when James is at school and I'm moving around the house doing chores, I'll stop in James' room for a minute to check on Shadow. He's a smart fish. And beautiful. And appreciative of attention (especially if it involves food!). So when James forgets to feed Shadow in the morning before school, I kind of enjoy doing it myself. For now.

Farm Endings

We are definitely coming to the end of the growing season. The farm has changed my status from "farm hand" back to "volunteer" which means I will keep the same hours through the end of October but without pay. I told them at the beginning of this season that they could reduce or cut my pay at any point in time since it's not why I come to the farm, but, I must admit, the change stung a little. I'm having some seriously mixed feelings:

Don't you like me anymore? (Feeling rejected)

You just want my free labor to make your bottom line look better. (Bitter resentment)

Maybe my free labor prevents the farm from firing another farm hand. (Benevolent gratitude)

I'm not in it for the money. Forget the money. I don't like how the money makes me feel. If they insist on a wage next season, I won't log any hours. (Passive aggressive strategizing to reduce future pain)

Remember last summer when I was having a tizzy over getting paid at all?

Pbbsh.

I'm a little sad for the season to end. I'm a little sad to lose regular contact with these people that I enjoy and learn from. I am glad, though, to have that time freed up for other uses. Here's hoping I don't go crazy this fall like last year...sigh.

Sunrise happens during breakfast these days. The kids and I have seen some really neat ones.

Slow Motion

Out kids have discovered the slow-motion mode on our cameras and have been having some fun.

Matthew Thinking Out Loud

At breakfast this weekend, Matthew turns to me thoughtfully and says, "Did you know that 4 squares can make another square?"

Holy spatial reasoning, Batman! He said he figured it out by studying a cup covered in Lego images and looking at the bay windows in our dining room. Bobby asked him if four of those new squares would make another square. Matthew responded with something like, "I can imagine all the squares I need to in my head."

Bobby and I kinda looked at each other with wide eyes.

A minute later, Matthew turns to me again and says, "Hey, did you know that 2 plus 2 makes 4?"

"Yah! Wow! How did you figure that out?!"

"The windows. See? Two squares and two squares and that makes four."

***************************

Driving down the road this afternoon, Matthew is looking out the window. Again, very thoughtful. Then he perks up and says, "Mom! I think I figured out what hills are!" He then explains that hills are actually how people see the curve of the earth, because it's round, and if you're on the side, then the top will look so much taller, right? So that's a hill.

Happy Birthday, James!

Confession: I feel like James has been 7 years old for months. Is it his size? His expanding ability to read and reason? I can't place it, exactly, but it feels like his age is finally catching up with how old he feels to me.

James is his own man. I've written a lot about him on the blog lately. I was looking through our digital photo album for pictures to post here, and all but one of them is outside. He's at home in the outdoors. I can hardly ever get a picture of him indoors because he's moving, moving, moving.

Trying out his snorkeling gear at Clinton Lake.

Caught a fish!

Goofing off at the Urbana High School track and football field.

Conked out on our drive to Ohio.

So excited about the canal boat ride in Ohio!

James and Matthew on the boardwalk at Busey Woods.

Robert and James proud of their efforts to dig out a tree stump.

When he's not outside, or asleep, the only other time James stays still and quiet is when he's reading. He's a big fan of graphic novels right now. Lots of action, not many words.

Showing me the toad he caught in our garden.

James at his archery camp. Loved it. After the first couple sessions, he stopped losing arrows underneath the target :)

His eyes! They used to be pure blue, but now...they're not. They're not really green, either. Only a small patch of brown in them. I find myself needing to find a name for the color of his eyes. It's like OCD.

Touring in New York.

Horsing around in the Garners' hammock.

I love working in the garden with this guy. He's actually helpful, and enthusiastic about it!

He's also fond of any kind of gardening task that involves a tool. Here, he's trimming the shrubs in our front yard.

Here he is walking home from school with a friend from kindergarten.

Those eyes! What color are they?!

Here, he's listening through the emergency door at the roller skating rink. One of his siblings was at a birthday party inside. The door was warm on a cold day. The music had a really good beat.

James hopped into the van this afternoon and said with some snarky undertones, "Mom? I think you forgot something."

As if one could forget her sucking child, or 200# of apple seconds filling up the backseat of her van. It's made the whole GARAGE smell deliciously like ripe apples. I'll get to those tomorrow.

For now, though, I'll celebrate my James. And on the actual day of his birthday, we celebrated like this:

We open presents at breakfast (why make the kid wait?!). James requested doughnuts (totally not happening, dude) but he decided on cinnamon rolls when the doughnuts were denied. Robert gave him LEGO kits, Alice gave him fish food, we gave him a fish tank, and Erin gave him money for fishy accessories. This boy's gonna get a pet.

Here, he's filling his new fish tank with special reverse osmosis water. I really, really, really should have researched this whole fish-as-a-pet thing a whole lot more before agreeing to James' birthday request. It turns out, also, that the tank setup needs to circulate for a week or so BEFORE putting the fish in it. So, James got to go to the pet store, select a tank, fall in love with a fish, and then LEAVE THE FISH THERE for a week. Bad mom moment. I did give him the choice, though. He could take the fish home today, but the store wouldn't guarantee its survival. If we waited a week and brought a sample from the tank, they would test it and see if it was safe for the fish. Then they would guarantee the fish for a while. He was almost in tears, and it took an awful lot of self-control, but he delayed gratification for one week to give the fish a better chance of survival. And he's been counting down the days ever since! Tomorrow, we get the fish.

James initially wanted a double chocolate ninja cake. Then, when it came time to decorate it, he went for "a meadow with a diamond in the middle of it". I love having my kids create their own birthday cakes. Matthew was so impressed, he wants a "corn field" cake for his birthday coming up...yellow sprinkles instead of green.

Happy birthday, James! You've grown up a LOT this year. You're capable of so much more than you ever imagined, and I think you're just starting to realize it. I'm so happy for you! So happy to have you in our family. You bridge the gap just right...able to play with Robert or Matthew, able to work independently and still come in for a snuggle or reassurance, capable of creating enormous plans and gleaning just enough know-how to get started. You make us laugh with your mischievous, dry wit. You frustrate us to tears with your cool, toe-the-line antics that don't quite break the rules but fly directly in the face of them. You serenade us with songs you invent in the moment. Life is so good with you in it, James. I wouldn't want it any other way.

James Update

It's James' birthday today. A whopping 7 years old!! I will write about that specifically a little later. First, though, in this moment to myself, I wanted to record what happened next with James' girl problem...

I let his teacher know what was going on and how we planned to help James stand up for himself. She said she would talk to the little girl's teacher about it.

A couple days went by. James came home from school like usual and acted the same in every way. I wanted an update, but didn't want to push, and knew that making a big deal out of it might backfire on me. I tried to play it cool. Soooooo cool. Finally, I asked.

"Hey, how did it go at lunch recess today with [insert girl's name here]?"

*Puzzled look* *Dawning comprehension* "She didn't chase me." *smile*

"Really?! What happened?"

"A couple days ago I told her that if she chased me again I would tell the teacher (meaning the lunch monitor). And she stopped."

"That was Friday. It's Tuesday. Has she bothered you since?"

"Nope!" *giggle*

He did it! He stood up for himself! It's the same exact thing he told her before, but something else happened this time for her to take it seriously. Was it his teacher's intervention? Confidence gained from sharing his trouble with others? Sincere prayers from concerned parents and grandparents? I don't know. But what a gift.

It's been almost 2 weeks. I asked him about the girl again last week and he replied, "Who?!"

Ha ha ha ha ha! So, I think it's resolved. For now.

Whew.