Covid Thoughts

Alice started hybrid learning at school this week. She's usually in school online from 9am to 2:30pm every weekday. Now, three days a week, she'll spend her school day in-person at the school with half of the other 8th graders. All masking and social protocols remain in place, including air purifiers and "ventilation" breaks between class periods where teachers open all the doors and windows for a few minutes. Alice said her first day back was mentally and physically exhausting. Mentally: being "on" the whole time in front of people, reading social cues around masks and distance, just plain talking to people all day, even between class periods. No chance to turn off her camera for a few minutes and step away mentally. Physically: sitting upright in a hard plastic chair instead of lounging in her soft, enveloping, school-at-home cocoon. She said she was used to snacking whenever she felt hungry, using the bathroom whenever she needed to, and turning off the camera for a few minutes whenever she wanted to lay her head down and close her eyes. She can't really do any of those things comfortably in-person anymore. That was just the first day, though. At the end of the second day, she said it was much, much easier. And when it came to her first at-home day after 2 days of in-person, she kinda groaned and said, "I don't want to do virtual school tomorrow."

With in-school instruction, there are some of Alice's teachers who are still teaching from home. That means parents, like me, get to volunteer as classroom aides. Volunteering is an important part of attending this school. A certain number of parent volunteering hours are required each semester. If you'd rather not volunteer, you can pay $14/hour instead. So, I'm getting "paid" $14/hour to keep kids on-task in a 6th grade Spanish class once a week.

For the record, Robert protests in-person instruction every. single. time. He protests all the way to school and all the way back from school. Grouch, grouch, grouch. He still attends obediently, but I have to prepare myself every day for a barrage of logical arguments and emotional pleas contesting the validity/safety of in-person schooling. His friends invited him to play mini golf outdoors over Spring Break. Robert was crazy nervous and insecure about it. Some of the nervousness stemmed from his fear of "not getting enough air and what if I start choking or wheezing in the middle of it and G's dad has to take me to the hospital or call you to bring me home...that would be SO embarrassing! I'd rather stay home than risk that." I made him go. He had a good time. He did not suffer any breathing difficulties. Robert generally protests against any in-person activity that isn't a full return to the way things were before Covid. He doesn't want to deal with transitions. He'll be ready to interact with people again when it's exactly like it used to be. Zero risk of catching Covid, zero rules about masks and distances and touching. Black and white. Right and wrong. This way only until it's that way only. Rigid, rigid, rigid. 

All the kids were thrilled when Erin reached maximum immunity and they no longer had to wear masks around her. The risk of Erin spreading Covid to us was infinitesimally small anyway. And now that she's vaccinated, it's nigh unto zero. 

Our bishop is eager to get 2nd hour church up and running in-person again, even if truncated. He wants all-or-nothing. If the adult classes are meeting in-person 2nd hour, then the youth and Primary classes should, too, so families don't have to split up and coordinate different church schedules. I get that. I like that. But...he's eager to get adults in-person now. Now. It's been a struggle to plan for a relatively safe and meaningful Primary experience in-person. The Primary President and I agree we will follow current CDC guidelines for in-person school/instruction. The parents I've talked to, though, are envisioning Primary the way it used to be but with masks. That's not gonna fly. We, as the Primary presidency, have significant pull in this situation because, according to the bishop's vision, no other in-person 2nd hour classes can occur without a functional Primary. Then again, we're replaceable. Even the RS President has offered to manage Primary on the in-person weeks she's not doing RS. If we don't find a way that suits us, other people will gladly hop in and find a way that suits them. It's not a hostile takeover by any means. They're trying to be flexible with our level of risk tolerance. I get that. That's totally cool. We'll give it a go our way first, and if it's totally intolerable to everyone else, they can do it their way and we'll wait until most of the ward is vaccinated before taking our kids to in-person Primary. Win-win. Robert will be thrilled!

Wait. Does that mean I'm the one being rigid, rigid, rigid? Grouch, grouch, grouch. This way or no way at all? I hope not. I'm trying to be flexible here, and make decisions based on the evidence before me. The CDC guidance says complete vaccination isn't necessary to have in-person school as long as certain procedures and behaviors are in place. If parents don't want to follow those procedures and behaviors in Primary, then we should wait until vaccination is more widespread before attending in-person school/Primary. That's my take, anyway. Now it's time to get to work.

News bits

James cooked scrambled eggs for himself and Matthew this week. It was his school-at-home day and he felt like eggs for lunch. He asked first, and I supervised, but he really didn't need any help. He's got this just-try-it personality that goes with the flow. It's a refreshing (and sometimes explosive) contrast to his elder brother, Robert. James ended up spilling some raw egg under the stove element, which led to some really, really stinky (and fiery) meal prep on the burner later on, but a fun lesson to learn together. 

I had some friends over Friday night for a campfire and fancy s'mores. It was a good experience, but not exactly what I had expected. I laughed a lot. That was good. I also got to hear how they and their families were navigating the Covid restrictions and such. It turns out, our family is kind of an anomaly. We're much more cautious than most of my friends. It got me thinking about risk tolerance. And everyone else there personally knew someone who had been diagnosed with Covid-19. Maybe that's part of their ease with it...they know folks who have gone through it...it's still a big, scary unknown to me. One of my friends has even decided not to be vaccinated. I haven't had a chance to talk to her about it in-depth yet. Anyway, they were all accepting and non-judgemental of my risk tolerance. Totally supportive. After the fact, though, I realized that I was looking for empathy, not supportive acceptance. An important difference, there. 

Our dishwasher broke recently, and each of the kids picked an evening of the week to help me with the dishes. I kinda liked the new routine. Now that we have a new dishwasher, I've kept it up. The kids have taken it in stride, mostly, with only a little grumbling :) I give them plenty of options...1) clear the table and sweep the dining room, 2) load the dishwasher, 3) hand wash what's left, or 4) wipe the kitchen counters and sweep the kitchen floor. Matthew gets a slightly modified list.

Matthew's super power is ending up in your lap or your arms without you even noticing that you picked him up. He wants to call it "Mathew-itis", but it's not really a frequent source of frustration for him like Susan-itis and Bobby-itis tend to be. Mommy-itis is overstuffing everything all the time. Daddy-itis is not seeing something you're looking for, even though it's right in front of you.

We had fancy s'mores again tonight for Family Home Evening Treat. James and Robert liked chocolate chip cookies with Reese's peanut butter cups and marshmallows. Matthew preferred chocolate chip cookies with Andes mints and a marshmallow. Alice just wanted burned marshmallows. I tried Oreo thins with dark chocolate/almond/coconut bark and a marshmallow. Meh.

Bobby turned 42 this week! We celebrated with dinner from his favorite BBQ place (Black Dog) and a couple of fresh strawberry pies. We knew that most of the kids liked BBQ brisket, but they sure eat a lot more than they used to! And they like it for lunches later. Leftovers just don't last as long as they used to :( which is kinda fun and frustrating at the same time. Our trip to the gulf coast next week was cancelled unexpectedly, but Bobby decided to keep the days off anyway. I don't know exactly what's happening at work. He works from home, though, so I can tell you that we hear a lot more "Grandpa Evans sighing", consternation, and frustration coming through that office door lately. I wish there was more I could do to help.

Wasp Nest, Team Illustrations, and Chicken Herder

Our newest neighbor gave James the old, abandoned wasp's nest they found in their backyard. He can't wait to dissect it...

 

Also, the boys used our whiteboard to create a cooperative picture. James did some, Robert did some, and Matthew did some. It's hideous, but they were creating and laughing together for at least 30 minutes. Yes!

I love this picture of James gently herding the chickens in the backyard.

Alice is 14!!

Happy Magical Birthday, Alice! 14 years old on the 14th. You've been looking forward to this birthday for a long time, ever since James turned 3 years old on the 3rd and got three wishes. You were thinking, planning, wondering what you could possibly wish for on your 14th birthday. 

Well, you have decided on two wishes for sure:

1) A Halloween-trick-or-treat-sized load of GOOD candy

2) A Marvel-movie marathon (3 films in a row during a girl's night at Erin's house)

You saved the third wish for another time...interesting...

This birthday was special in a couple of ways besides the three wishes thing: 1) it commemorated a year of Covid-19 lockdowns, and 2) you put off the party a little to ensure Erin's vaccinations were done and she could come eat and play with us without everyone having to wear masks. That was the first time I had seen the bottom half of Erin's face in 2 months. 

I've got to confess, Alice, you spend an awful lot of age-appropriate time in your room these days, so I don't know you so well as I used to. It's a good thing you're still pretty open about your thoughts and feelings. I like it when you tell me about your vivid dreams. I like that the first thing you do when you come out of your room is give me a hug. And I like that the last thing you do before returning to your room is give me a hug. Dad and I both look forward to the hugs and "good night"s we get from you after the boys are in bed and you've just taken a shower. It's quiet and calm. You get a drink of water and then give us hugs before heading to bed. That's nice.

I am so, so relieved that your anxiety is better controlled these days. You seem happier. 

You seem more teenagery now that you're 14. You even slept in until 9:30am once. That was crazy late for you! Your sense of self is strengthening, your humor is more complex, and there are layers of meaning in your words and actions. Your teachers gush about you as an independent and confident leader who takes great strength from her faith. They admire your responsibility and your work ethic. They find you a delightful person with lots to contribute to the discussion. Your Spanish teacher especially loves your creative stories and thinks you will end up in Hollywood writing movie scripts. I'm not making this up. This is what they told me at Parent-Teacher conferences just last week :)

With all your outward confidence and burgeoning identity, I sometimes forget how vulnerable you feel inside. Robert's attempts at joking around with you often go too far or cross a line. It's hard to bounce back from those things. But you do. Somehow, after some time, you forgive and move on. That's an admirable trait. Robert doesn't even know how good he's got it. He just follows you around like a puppy, desperate for your attention, because you're just so darn cool. 

And you adore Matthew. He's your little spider monkey. You've even taken over giving him baths (which Dad and I appreciate to no end, by the way). You guys have a lot in common, despite your differences in age and experience. You both internalize rules and want to keep them. You both have a sensitive nature that doesn't tolerate much violence or tension. Well, you used to. You've grown up a lot in that area, too. You can read books and watch movies that used to scare you for weeks. But you remember the fear that used to be there and can empathize with Matthew in powerful ways. You and Matthew both enjoy your friends very much. You need people in ways Robert and James don't really understand. 

I love that you still share girl things with me. It's just you and me in this house full of boys. 

I'm a little jealous that you can slip off to your room any time and leave the chaos behind, but you make up for that in the times you see a need and jump in to help before anyone asks. You're capable of making dinner, and you do it when I need it. You're capable of de-fusing a volatile situation brewing between the boys, and you do it. You're a warm, intuitive influence that enriches our lives and glues us together as a family. These are only a few of the gifts you routinely contribute to our family.

You're curious and intelligent. Logical. Surprisingly strong in all the ways you need to be in the moment. Your faith and testimony inspire me. And your siblings. 

We're very fortunate to have you, Alice. All 14 years of you so far :)

A thank-you hug for Matthew. He gave you a card that he wrote and illustrated all by himself in your favorite colors.

Dark chocolate covered cherries in your "Halloween" candy load.

Breathing? Check. Magic Birthday? Check. Minecraft? Check.

Breathing

Aside from the occasional double-checking that his fingernails haven't turned blue from oxygen deprivation, Robert has managed to keep calm about his breathing. He even told the doctor on Monday, "Even though I KNOW my lungs are fine and it's not an asthma attack, I might still worry about it every once in a while. I'm not going to just forget about my breathing all at once." That explains him this week. He knows he's probably okay, but just needs me to confirm that he's getting enough oxygen (the fingernail check). 

As for the obsession over checking his breathing, the doctor told him, "If you're having trouble breathing, it's not something you'll need to check frequently. You'll be wheezing, coughing, and regular things will become very difficult." That reminded me of Robert's worst asthma attack some years ago. I asked him some questions and he wheezed from his bed on the couch, "I don't want to talk. It takes too much air." My eyes got wide and I knew he needed a doctor. And even then, in his worst state, his lips and fingernails were the right colors.

Magic Birthday

Alice turned 14 on the 14th this month. Congrats! I will share more about this momentous occasion in its own blog post.

Minecraft (and garden)

The boys have been pretty passionate about Minecraft since they were first introduced to it three years ago. Covid isolation has magnified that passion 100-fold. They talk to me about it constantly. They talk to each other about it constantly. They read about it in library books and use their screen time to research it, watching YouTubers play it. I love, love, love my boys. And yet, there's only so much I want to hear about something I care so little about, no matter how much I love the source. I declared this last Sunday a day the boys couldn't talk to me about Minecraft. At dinner, the conversation started steering towards Minecraft again and I said, "No Minecraft." Then I added (a little too excitedly), "Let me tell you about my garden!!" 

Groans all around.

That's when Robert lit up, "I think I get it now! You feel about Minecraft the way we feel about your garden! Okay, maybe I can talk less about Minecraft."

I know some of you feel that way about my garden, too. When I go back and read old blog posts, I find the veggie lists and planning bits kinda boring. You'll be seeing less of that here from now on. I do like the stories, though, and I'll continue to share those on the blog. 

James, Matthew, and I were outside on Monday when our neighbor told us about a woodpecker that's taken an interest in one of his trees. Just minutes after our neighbor went back inside, we heard the woodpecker. The boys spotted him before I did. He's very loud for being so little. 

It was so sunny and nice on Sunday that the boys and I decided to have lunch outside. That led to attending Primary online from the back patio, too. I've gotta admit, there are some pluses to at-home church.

Remember a few years back when I rented the extra garden plot at Orchard Downs? Y'know, that painfully difficult gardening summer that forced me to admit I knew almost nothing about growing food in the Midwest? That experience led to me working with Sola Gratia Farm. Well, this year, I'll be working with some folks from Solidarity Gardens (kind of a brain child and spin-off from Sola Gratia Farm) on a plot 4x the size of that Orchard Downs place. It's going to be a ton of work. What a great way to test what I've learned! Looking forward to it :)

Asthma?

Robert complained of difficulty breathing on Friday. He felt like his lungs weren't inflating enough. He was fine in every other way, though, no fever or abdominal pain or cough or wheeze. I told him to keep monitoring it. Well, it bothered him all weekend, getting him more concerned. We went to see the doctor on Monday. They had us come in the back door, met by a nurse in full protective equipment with gown, double masks, gloves, and face shield. It was the "Covid" protocol for patients with breathing issues. The doctor was dressed the same. They listened and determined his lungs were a little tight. They did what Robert feared would happen: prescribed 5 days of steroids and breathing treatments every 4 hours. 

The first couple days, the treatments seemed to help a little. Then he said it wasn't getting better anymore. The doctor said to come back if things didn't get better after a few days, so I made another appointment for this morning, Friday.

They greeted us in full Covid regalia again. The doctor asked a TON of questions about how the breathing difficulty felt and when it started feeling that way. Then she listened to his heart and lungs and asked how the breathing issue felt right now. He said it was the same. Then she let him know that his lungs were perfectly clear and functioning absolutely normally. There was no asthma attack. There probably wasn't any asthma attack. This was anxiety. 

Then, suddenly, it all made sense. I suspected anxiety would be an issue in Robert's life eventually, right? It was only a matter of time. This incident was a GREAT learning experience for all of us. Robert saw and felt the effects of his fears...a tangible, memorable, powerful witness of the worries that drive his life. He was so anxious about an asthma attack that he convinced himself he was having one. His doctor asked if we had considered counseling. Robert got a little weirded out by that question until I explained that a counselor has a lot of experience helping people deal with anxiety and would have several tools he could use to deal with stress like this in the future. He thought that was a good idea :)

Traumatic Mom

Well, I traumatized my kids this week. At least twice. Maybe thrice.

First off, no one in our house even mentioned St. Patrick's Day until I was making chocolate chip pancakes for dinner (6-year-olds and their menu planning...seriously) and I remembered I had some locally-grown baby kale in the fridge that I could use to make them green. No worries, I used Alice's birthday present Nutribullet to puree it into pieces too small to discern with the naked eye (they call it "nutrient extraction") :) The pancakes looked great! And I couldn't taste the kale. I got so excited about the green that I suddenly shouted out, "Happy St. Patrick's Day! I get to pinch you if you're not wearing green!" and proceeded to chase my children all over the house. I thought we were having fun, but it was soon clear that we were creating painful childhood memories that would scar them for life. Whoops. Sorry, kids. James literally freaked out and attacked me with flailing fists, unable to stop himself. The others' responses were less dramatic but definitely not as playful as I was feeling. *cough cough*

Then the kids realized they would be eating chocolate chip pancakes flavored with kale of all things. Trauma #2. Alice didn't try them. Robert and Matthew were very hesitant and suspicious until the abundance of chocolate chips finally won them over. James didn't care. He said he could taste a little bit of kale but felt it was totally worth it to get the chocolate. Bobby didn't realize there was kale involved until he had already eaten a few bites. He shot me a betrayed look. I wasn't trying to trick him, I swear. I thought I made it abundantly clear!

And then, this morning, we piled into the car to go get tested for SARS coV-2. It's a precaution we're taking before having an unmasked dinner with Erin. We've been tested before and the kids endured it really well back then. This time, though, the medical folks handed us the swabs and asked us to do it ourselves. James, true to form, did the nasal swab without complaint and handed it over. Robert and Matthew (true to form) kinda melted down with fear and anticipation. Alice (true to form) performed the test without complaint, but then made it clear as we pulled away from the testing site, "Don't EVER make me do that again! That was more traumatizing than St. Patrick's Day!"

So, it's finally happened. I'm no longer "the meanest mom in the world" as I have been claiming since Alice's birth. Robert even said it in the car on the way home, "That's an opinion, Mom, not a fact." Alice followed up with, "Yeah. You're actually the most traumatizing Mom in the world...in not illegal ways." They were kidding around, it was all in good fun, but we're obviously entering a new phase of our relationship. Sigh. And my kids obviously don't have enough to worry about in their lives if a nasal swab is so devastating.

Alice loves to cuddle Matthew. He doesn't mind in the slightest.

Walking home from school one day, James asks me to take his picture with this fire hydrant.

Matthew and Robert having a loud, playful wrestle on the floor.

Matthew finishing off his first St. Patrick's Day chocolate chip pancake.

Sunday of Firsts

Sunday was a series of firsts for us, and it turned out pretty nice, so I wanted to record them here. 

It was the first time our ward had held a testimony meeting in over a year. Half of the ward is invited to attend church in-person each week (masked, sitting in household clusters, 6 ft apart, etc.), and the service is streamed online for those staying home. It was a relief and a spiritual boost to hear from a variety of people in my ward, almost entirely women, publicly sharing their testimonies, hope, faith and struggles. Best ward meeting I've attended in a long time.

It was the first time in a loooooooong time that I got to sit on the couch and read almost the whole day. A good, uplifting book.

It was the first time Matthew took a prominent teaching role in Family Home Evening. We've rotated who gives the lessons since time immemorial, but usually when it was Matthew's turn, a parent would just teach a Matthew-centered lesson. This time, he repeated the scripture, I asked the questions, he called on people to answer, and then meticulously wrote out their answers on the whiteboard while I told him how to spell each word letter by letter. The other kids were INCREDIBLY patient and loving and supportive during Matthew's lesson. Then we played a form of pictionary to emphasize the things we talked about. Again, Matthew took the lead and the other kids supported him. The kids were honest about their experiences with prayer and I felt the Spirit. It made me brilliantly happy. It made Matthew happy, too.

Sunday was the first time Robert lost a molar. It was kinda painful and scary. He needed a lot of emotional support. We snuggled on the couch with a blanket and he just told me everything he was thinking and experiencing as it happened. He needed regular reassurance that this was normal and okay. It was hard for him, but he tackled the pain and endured the unknown really well. His tooth went from slightly jiggly to out in a matter of 3 hours. When he yelled the news to James and Matthew playing outside, they genuinely cheered for him. That made him feel sooooo loved.

This was also the first Sunday that James expressed any interest in fasting. Once a child in our family turns 8 and is baptized a member of The Church or Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we start giving them the option to fast with us on Fast Sundays (they typically fall on the first Sunday of the month). Adults are expected to fast from food and drink for 24 hours (2 meals). Bobby and I have allowed our kids to choose every Fast Sunday whether they will fast with us or not. They choose when to start and end their fast, which meals and how many to fast, whether to fast from drinking, etc. This is their offering, not ours. James decided without prompting that he would fast over lunch on Sunday, not eating or drinking from breakfast until dinner. We talked a little bit about who or what he could fast for, since that makes all the difference between "fasting" and "going hungry." He didn't want to tell anyone what he was fasting for. That drove Matthew nuts, of course, which made the whole experience even more desirable for James (it's important to James these days that other people want/admire what he has, whether it's an object, information, or power). He was really proud of himself in the end. He said he was able to distract himself with other things until dinner. Playing outside helped a ton :)

Last week was also the first decent weather allowing us to walk the kids to and from school on their in-person days. There was grumbling initially, but I feel a difference in our home when the boys just get out and walk that little bit (1.4 miles round-trip). Alice comes, too, and becomes Matthew's walking buddy. She told me on the first day that she felt all grown up taking him to school. The official rules are that James and Robert are experienced enough to get to and from school on their own. If they choose to walk with me and Matthew, that's cool, but no pressure whatsoever. Walking to and from school, attending class in-person a few hours a week...opportunities for the older boys to flex their independence. Love it. Missed it.

Today was my first outdoor bike ride of the season. A glorious 20 miles! I used my "clip less" pedals and didn't fall down at all. Yippee! I know I will eventually fall, yes, because these shoes do that to newbies, but I didn't fall today.

That's a "first" for everyone except Bobby and Alice. Hmmmm...

Everything Alice does is a first for me. I'm her mom, so there are parts of our relationship that will never be like friends, but we've become better friends since Covid. Sometimes all it takes is a look and I know she's thinking what I'm thinking. Oh! We bought her her first "adult size" bike this week. It's a nifty hybrid with an upright seat and disc brakes. It'll get her to and from school for the next 4 years, and straight into college, if she doesn't grow any more than 4 inches taller :)

Bobby went for a run outdoors Saturday morning and got in just over 4 miles without stopping! That's a first for this season. He's run further and faster before, of course, but this was really good considering he had only run outside or on a treadmill a couple times since before Thanksgiving. Bobby also made a big, fantastic dinner in a messy kitchen, while fasting, with no help, while I read my book on the couch. Not a first for us, but I really, really, really appreciate it when it happens. He put up with all of my shenanigans and half-baked experiments this week. Also, not a first. He worked diligently and intelligently to provide for our family...like he always does. I sometimes complain about feeling isolated and trapped, but the kids and I actually have an enormous amount of flexibility due to Bobby's steady labor. I have a lot to be grateful for...the "firsts" as well as the "steady always" in my life.

Secret Hero

Yesterday, James asked if we could "be in the backyard" together. It was sunny and 40F, which feels balmy these days. He asked if we could do something in the garden. I gave him a couple choices and he chose "digging trenches between the garden beds". We were working a while when I saw a neighborhood dog wandering around without his owner. We called him over and James got a hold of him. Biscuit. Again. We let him run around inside the garden fence while I texted his owner to let her know we had him. James, Matthew, and Robert took turns loving on this excitable, friendly chihuahua. Biscuit obviously loved the attention, but was eager to get back to exploring things outside the garden. It didn't take him long to find the weakest point in the fence. He kept returning to it again and again. 

At some point, the conversation turned to even smaller creatures than chihuahuas. James told me that he secretly used to nudge the mouse traps in our garage with his shoe until they sprang. He said he did it to save the mouse's lives. 

I admire him for that. 

I'll also be hiding the mouse traps much better next time.

Spock Wisdom

I don't know much about Dr. Benjamin Spock, but he wrote this in 1962:

"The woman who chafes at the monotony of child rearing (and I’m assuming that most mothers do at times) is really beset from two directions: the separation from adult companions, and being bottled up with the continual demands of the children. I don’t think Nature ever intended the association to be quite so exclusive."

Amen, brother. We feel that now more than ever. #Coooooooooooovid

Snippets of Susan

The birds have started making noise again. It's such a shock to hear birds after so long without them! Even Alice and Robert noticed.

The chickens are starting to lay again, too. The Persephone Period is over.

Erin and I have been learning to play "Country Roads" (John Denver) and "The Boxer" (Simon & Garfunkel) on our guitars. It's satisfying to play something so nostalgic. Our teacher drew the line at ABBA, though. We are also grinding through some pretty tough chord combinations and a less-than-satisfying Duet in B-flat, so it's not all fun and games :)

I had a chance to give away the first of those kits I put together for people soliciting help in public places. I'm trying not to use the term "blessing bag", but struggling to find a suitable replacement. 

I saw a man solicit a shopper as I drove by the store on my way to an appointment. I decided to swing by on my way out. Well, after my appointment, I turned around and found myself at an intersection. I could turn left to engage the man, or I could turn right and go home. I turned right. I rationalized it by saying, "Well, it's not like he asked ME for help. I'll only be comfortable helping people who ask me for it." I got halfway home before I realized how stupid that sounded. Don't be ridiculous! I turned around, went back to where the man was sitting, and pulled up right next to him, masked. He approached my window and asked if I had an extra $20. I said, "No, but I can give you this," as I handed him the kit. He smiled big and asked how I was doing. I said things were alright. He said he was robbed again. I said I was really sorry to hear that and I hoped the stuff I gave him would be some help. Then he backed away smiling, saying thank you and waving as I pulled away. 

Whew. That was tough. 

Later that morning, I was bringing my friend home from getting her second and final dose of a Covid vaccine when we passed another man asking for help. It was easier to stop this time for a couple reasons 1) I had already done it earlier without hyperventilating, and 2) the man was on the passenger side of the car and my friend would be doing the actual handing out. She was happy to help :) The man was super appreciative. And so was the second man we saw later on that same trip home. That's THREE opportunities in one day. Three times I would have felt a sick darkness in my gut as I avoided making eye contact and pretended not to see someone asking for help. I don't think handing out supplies on the street is a perfect solution, but it sure feels better than what I was feeling before.

I'm having escapist dreams...things like moving to a larger, brighter house or discovering another floor on our current house. There are dreams where I have big parties or make plans to volunteer in a 3rd world country for 6 months until I suddenly remember it's Covid times or I'm married with 4 kids, respectively, and these things can't happen right now. I have to wait. A long time. 

How long?! That's on my mind when I wake up. 

So, the other day, I took some time to roughly map out the next 19 years of my life. Just thinking about my life between now and when Matthew graduates from college :) Here are the numbers:

Columns (L-R): My Age, Fall School Year, Grade Levels of All 4 Kids That Fall (A, R J, then M), Age of All 4 Kids the Summer After That School Year (A, R, J, then M). The dashed line marks when all Covid restrictions are likely to be lifted and full-time, in-person school is most likely to resume (Fall 2022), and the solid horizontal line is five years from today. The zig-zag . line marks the summer each child is likely to leave home for college or a mission (Alice does not plan to serve a mission at this point).

I thought seeing it all laid out would help me understand it better. Turns out, I cannot comprehend in the slightest what it's like to have proto-adults living in my house with me. And a lot of this family's future depends on choices that are not mine to make. Rightfully so. Somehow between now and age 53, the control I have over these kids will naturally (and necessarily) diminish until...until...what? What does that even look like? I don't remember enough of my own growing experience to make sense of it from this side. Uncharted waters. I need more empty nesting friends to help me prepare :)

The J&J vaccine was approved for emergency use on Friday! Some friends are concerned about the symptom numbers being not as good as they appear to be for Pfizer and Moderna's vaccines. I'm not concerned. I can explain my reasoning to you another time if you're curious. I will take whichever vaccine is available to me when it's my turn.