Lessons learned!

I learned a couple hard things this week. I'm writing about them on the blog so I don't forget. So my kids ask me about it later. So I can be held accountable for these lessons learned, and grow from them.

*****

I backed out of the garage a little too hastily and broke the driver-side mirror. Because it's motorized, and embedded in the door panel, and the same color as the rest of the car, it will cost me $500 to fix *SOB* with a hefty dose of embarrassment and frustration on the side.

It crossed my mind to remember this experience when (not if) my own kids damage our cars.

*****

Sadly, I didn't pay attention to the refill info on my anxiety meds, and it took three days between me, the doctor's office, and the pharmacy to get a new Rx filled. There's a really good reason they tell you not to quit anti-depressants cold turkey like that. Day one felt like normal. Day two, the gut issues started and I woke up in a bit of a panic, but it subsided quickly. I experienced brief flashes of vertigo all day. Later, I noticed a faint sluggishness in my thoughts. Robert's conversations were suddenly too wordy and fast for me. By the end of the day, I literally couldn't keep the first part of his sentence in my mind long enough to understand his complete thought. Too many details. Day three, I woke up feeling normal. I thought, "Hey! Maybe I'm over it! That was easy."

I was not over it. I lost my temper that morning getting the boys off to school. Really, really lost it. I'm not a yeller. I can't stand it. But something inside me snapped. I found myself screaming until I was hoarse and literally push-sliding an angry, hurt, defiant, and also-screaming James across the kitchen floor to get his shoes on. He eventually left for school sobbing and screaming things like, "You don't care about me!" and "This makes me feel like I'm nothing!" and I didn't care. I was so disconnected.

But man, I felt horrible after that. My worst mom moment ever. When James got home from school, I apologized and explained that due to problems with my medicine, I wasn't feeling normal that morning. That I didn't like yelling or pushing or scaring anyone into submission. That I felt terrible for losing control like that and I never wanted to do it again. He hugged me and said it was okay now, but what else can a 7-year-old say to his mom?

As day 3 cold turkey progressed, my gut issues persisted, the vertigo got a lot worse (I didn't feel safe driving anymore), my thoughts were cloudy/confused, I wasn't emotionally available for much of anything, but my temper stayed in check. I researched withdrawal symptoms for the particular drug I'm on and felt relieved that my craziness was normal and temporary. Help was on the way. And, fortunately, it only took one dose for all the withdrawal symptoms to disappear and return me to my predictable and productive normal.

This experience was eye-opening. I thought about people with undiagnosed neurotransmitter imbalances. I thought about going through life like that all the time, thinking that's the best I could do. Sure, I wasn't anxious or depressed, but I wasn't okay, either, and the condition itself made it harder for me to get help (confusion, inability to concentrate, no emotional resilience).

*****

Matthew meditating as Alice taught him in "Ninja School". When I took this picture, he was using it in his imaginary game to increase his Chi power for fighting off bad guys...as a ninja kitty.

Back in the Pool

With my eye on a couple of triathlons this summer, I went for a swim this morning at the Y (thanks to a dear friend of Matthew's who was willing to play with him in Child Watch!). I swam 1000 meters (40 laps) over the course of 30 minutes and I didn't die.

I forgot my towel.

Ugh.

Gonna take me a minute to get back into the training routine.

Here are a couple recent pictures, just for fun:

Robert plucked this enormous hunk of ice from the kiddie pool. It was almost 2 inches thick!

Matthew sporting the remnant of Alice's papier mache pinata. Creeeepy, creeeepy face.

James Nest

James' Nest: he sleeps on the top of an adult-size loft bed, only 2.5 feet between his mattress and the ceiling. He told me he liked that vantage point because if any monsters came in the night (yeah, Mom, I know monsters aren't real, but IF they were real 'cuz they might be) they would only see Matthew, and therefore only attack Matthew.

James has long been a boy who enjoys a comfortable bed, but since receiving the loft bed, he's taken it to a whole new level. This picture says it all. I took it this week.

A mess with very important purposes. At the head of the bed, he has three pillows/cushions (green, brown, and white). Clockwise from the top: The red thing on his white pillow is a treasure he stole from Matthew (er, uh, "borrowed" because James voluntarily announced one day that he was "done stealing from the family"). The red blanket on the right is a very soft Christmas gift from Erin. It lays on top of James' green sleeping bag and a fuzzy brown otter stuffy (also from Christmas). The paisley brown blanket and the fuzzy blue blanket with the satin trim are literally the two largest blankets in the house. He chose those for that purpose. The purple blanket on the left is Alice's very soft Christmas gift from Erin. I don't think it's there due to "borrowing", though, because Alice and James often have sleepovers and she doesn't always take her stuff back with her. James doesn't mind the extra softness :) At the head of the bed again, shoved under the big, green cushion, is a stash of stuffed animals and library books and coupons from the mail that he's tucked away. All of this is arranged in a circle. Every night, James hops into the middle (his sheet is brown) leans back against the cushions, pulls whatever blankets he can reach on top of himself, and pulls out a book to read.

Robert was here

Sort and order, order and sort. Gather, align, put in sequence. Tasks like this bring peace to my soul. Maybe Robert's soul, too.

Fabric Store with Middle Schoolers

Parents of the girls attending Alice's school need to donate 20 hours of service to the school per semester. They/We can do it a number of ways. This semester, I signed up to be a helper in the 8th grade sewing class. They said no experience was required, so I figured my little experience would be enough, right? It's plenty.

Today was my second day. We took all 7 girls to the fabric store to choose material for their next couple of projects.

Let me confess to you (again) right now that middle school kids still scare me. I'm pretty sure it's a holdover from my less-than-stellar middle school experience at home and church. Anyway, I knew I would be transporting middle schoolers in my van today. So, yesterday, I super cleaned out the inside of my car.

Turns out, they didn't make a single statement about the state of the car. I was relieved. And, at the same time, I was a little embarrassed to feel so insecure around these kids.

Pbbsh.

We got to the fabric store. I used to hate fabric stores. I like them better now, but I hadn't been in one for ages (sewing was something I could do when I had one child at home who happened to nap 4 hours a day). The girls started looking through fleeces and flannels and woven prints. Then I started looking through fleeces, flannels, and woven prints. I was sucked in. Tempted. So many fun and interesting possibilities! I remembered a quilting project that I have wanted to do since Alice was 1 year old. A very technical quilt, artistic, and beautiful just for me. I fingered a few cute fabrics knowing Alice would love this or James would flip over something with this, but I knew what that cute fabric would look like in my home: an enormous weight of responsibility, pressure, and incomplete hopes until I finally dragged myself through the project at the expense of all the other things I currently spend my time on. I left the fabric there. For now. Who knows how long I will be able to resist, though, if I'm sewing with 8th graders every week for the rest of the semester?

I'm getting to know these girls better. Learning not to be afraid of them. Like all of my interactions with groups of people, it takes time to see them as unique individuals instead of a mob of judgemental faces. It does eventually happen. Every time. And I look forward to that :)

Running Milestones

Thanks to a little friendly competition from my good friend Rachel and the fact that I've signed up for an Olympic-distance Triathlon this summer, this was a week for a few running firsts!

I ran a whole 5 miles in a row! Monday! Then on Wednesday, I ran 4 miles + 1 mile after a strength class. That was a very, very hard final mile. I don't recommend that to anyone.

And then, after a solid day of rest, I decided to see if I could go longer. The kids had spent the night at Erin's house (Huzzah! What a treat!) so Bobby and I went to the gym together that morning. We ran on the indoor track and Bobby filled me in on his adventures in programming. I love hearing people talk about something they're good at, or passionate about, or just plain knowledgeable in. We ran 3 miles and still felt good. 4 miles, still okay. 5 miles, we're on a roll. Then it happened: 6 miles! And a little bit more made it a solid 6.3 miles (10 km). We had just run a 10k!! We stopped there. That was longer than either of us had ever run before and it was almost time to pick up the kids.

A few months ago, a few years ago, that seemed IMPOSSIBLE! Signing up for the Olympic Triathlon this summer was a pretty big stretch for me because it's a 1-mile swim (the furthest I've gone without a break is 200 yards), a 25-mile bike ride (my current ride record is 24 miles, I believe), and a 6.2 mile run (my longest run was only 4 miles until this week). When I first signed up, I felt like I was 75% sure I could complete the race. Now that I've done a 10k run that didn't kill me, I'm feeling 85% sure I can complete the race intact. Just have to show myself that I can swim for a mile without dying. Then I'm good :)

Winter Break Part 2

The second half of Winter Break was pretty good. We set up at least one play date for each kid, with a friend of their choice. Thankfully, the play dates didn't overlap, so there were a few stretches of time with fewer than 4 kids at home needing me all at once :) or with extra kids so my kids behaved differently (better? Yeah, probably better.)

We had a friend over for a "Baking, Crafts, and Games Extravaganza":

Baking cupcakes and preparing decorations (smashed candy canes, anyone?)

Decorating cupcakes with White Mountain Frosting and toppings. I'm pretty sure I made it wrong, since it piped out a lot like divinity candy or fluffy play-doh.

Ate decorated cupcakes. The taste was good, even if presentation was seriously lacking ;)

Yarn-wrapped popsicle stick stars. They turned out a lot cuter than they sound!

Fabric Mache bowls. They used SO much of the homemade paste that two bowls didn't fully dry out for 3 whole days! Alice liked the fabric mache idea, but rushed through hers to start doing paper mache. This was their favorite project, I think.

Erin braved the cold with us as we checked out the Kirby Wellness Walk at Allerton Park (Monticello, IL). They light up some of their formal gardens and sculpture gardens for the holidays. It's no temple square, and we may never do it again, but it was fun to finally see it after all these years of wanting to go! Here we are in a little plastic igloo thing along the walk. It was exclusively lit with blue strings of lights, which was cool to see, but kinda hard to take a picture in.

James has recently started reading books out loud to Matthew. He used to do it a little when he was first learning to read, but he couldn't read fast enough to keep Matthew's attention for long. Now, though, he's pretty fast, and Matthew appreciates all the extra reading time. In this picture, they are bonding over the most recent installment of the "Bad Guys" graphic novel (a series about a big bad wolf, a shark, a piranha, and a snake trying to change their "bad guy" image by performing rescues).

We spent New Year's Eve with Erin and the Evanses and Sandy: cheese fondue, chocolate fondue, and games (the kids got to watch a movie). A little sparkling grape juice at 8pm and we were ready for bedtime!

Over the break, we saw Frozen 2 as a family. The kids said, "Meh." Bobby and I said, "Meh."

Erin took the kids to play Pokemon Go one day so Bobby and I could see Star Wars IX in the theater. I really liked it! There were some lame bits, but I generally liked the action. And I really, really liked hearing female storm trooper voices shouting, "Halt!" and seeing female pilots in the rebel ships. I didn't even know that I noticed or cared about that sort of thing until I suddenly noticed and cared. Woo hoo!

And it looks like James is the lucky winner, since he managed to be in every single picture I added to this post :)

Watching You

Brothers. So similar in some ways, and worlds apart in others. Fiercely independent creatures, though forever influenced and changing together as they grow. Tied to each other. Craving inclusion while looking for ways to remain distinct, unique, and unlike the other.

Especially these two.

Even their eyes, while both blue, have different shapes. Their eyebrows set at different distances. Their inherent strengths so very different, and yet they sharpen their skills on each other...fine-tuning the exact sequence of events that will drive the other one out of the room in tears.

How does one parent both children on both sides of the conflict without accidentally making herself the mediator and judge in every single tiff that arises between them from now through eternity?! It wearies me.

*sigh*

*SIGH*

Working on it.

Watching for patterns.

Praying for insight.

Talking with love.

Counting down the days until school starts again ;) but I know it's just a band-aid. This is something much more complex than boredom. But boredom sure aggravates it!

Frosty Badge

I went for an 18-mile bike ride this morning in sub-freezing temps. My watch made me do it ;)

Hm. My helmet looks a little skiwompus. Thanks, Erin, for the Spider-Man ski mask! It saved my face. My ankles were much less fortunate. This was another reminder that the right gear/outfit can turn a miserable experience into a totally doable one. So now I've got a farming uniform, a chicken uniform, and a cycling in sub-freezing temps uniform.

Well, I had a lot of fun doing it. And I'm glad I did it. The watch just gave the little extra nudge I needed to get out the door. There's an app that came with my watch that offers points for certain tasks:

1pt for recording an activity on New Year's Day
2 pts for an outdoor activity in sub-freezing temps
1pt for a 10-mile bike ride
1 pt for sending a friend a link to my post-ride info

There are a few more points for challenging a friend to a contest (Rachel and I are in a cycling contest this week). And a few more points for winning said contest (for an easier win, I should have selected an easier challenge and a less competitive challenger!!).

It's a little embarrassing that I'm motivated by imaginary points, but, well, that doesn't make it any less true ;)