Farm Update

It's been a mild winter so far. The greatest news is that I finally found a watering method for the chickens that keeps the water thawed and clean all winter! I also have them on supplemental light from midnight to 7AM (a single CFL bulb) which keeps my five hens laying four eggs a day. Yay! And the eggs are pretty darn big. Jumbo, in fact.

All the garden perennials have gone dormant. The strawberries held out the longest. I've already received my favorite seed catalog for next year, but only glanced at it half-heartedly. It's hard to tell how much time and energy I will want to commit to the garden next season. I don't get really excited about growing things until January or February.

I'm debating how much help to expect from the kids next summer. Is the garden something the whole family is expected to work on regularly, or is it simply Mom's pet project she allows the kids to help with occasionally? It's not like we depend on the garden for food. And there are only a few farm/garden chores done regularly enough to go onto a chore chart. I'm interested to hear others' experiences with family gardens growing up...what worked? what didn't?

James Names

James used to call himself "Weece." Now he's "Jafe." I desperately want to call him Weece or Jafe, too, but he gets mad. His name is James and he expects me to pronounce it properly. Sigh. Maybe Matthew will eventually develop a cute nickname for James that James will allow us to use.

Bobby's Sunday Summary

I have been bad about blogging, and not posting nearly as much as I should.  So I am going to post some videos and pictures of things we missed earlier and of Christmas.

At Thanksgiving time Susan's Sister cam to visit.  She brought with her a fabulous gift, a gingerbread house with lots of chocolate.

James didn't get to participate as much as he wanted, but he still had fun with Grandma.



Robert had a Christmas program for his preschool, just like the ones Alice was in.  This time he was an angle.  In fact he was the only boy angle, but he did a great job.

The other kids had a lot of fun too.



Especially Alice



Christmas was a bit more laid back than usual but was still a lot of fun.  The big gifts that the kids liked were remote controlled helicopters, more legos, and a marble toy.

2 months today

It's been two months since Matthew was born. I don't have as much time or energy to blog as I would like, so there will never be a "1-month checkup" post for Matthew, a "2-year checkup" post for James, or a "Christmas Piano Recital 2014" post for Alice. Sorry, guys.

Matthew seems so big to me (14.4 pounds according to our home scale, growing out of his first few 0-3 month outfits), but I regain perspective when I see his teeny body next to his gigantic, active, loud, and lively siblings:

Robert built a little bed for Matthew out of folded blankets.

Matthew has a genuine smile these days, but it's unpredictable when he'll pull it out. I caught a few snippets of it last night while he was admiring his daddy:

Please forgive the fuzzy pictures. I was trying to take them while James was wrestling me and Bobby at the same time. Like so:

Maybe that's why Matthew was having such a good time. Anyway, do you see how tiny Matthew appears in context? It never fails to surprise me.


Life is good here. The vacation fun is wearing a little thin, but everything changes again tomorrow. Alice will be off visiting family in Texas this week. I'm curious to see who will miss her more: me or Robert.

Matthew has had a bit of a runny nose this week, but nothing a nasal aspirator doesn't fix in a jiffy. He's still mild-mannered and generally content. We've been really, really blessed so far with such an easy-going guy. And I've been blessed with so much of Bobby's paternity leave and vacation days. Thank you, Yahoo!

We're looking for something new and exciting to do for New Year's this year. We might travel to a nearby metropolis to visit friends or play at a children's museum or both. Gotta figure that out soon, eh?

Experiences to ponder...later

A couple things happened this week that I would like to think about more...when I have more time and energy to ponder, of course.

---I had an appointment with a professional that I hadn't met before. While in the waiting room, right on top of the magazine selection, was a glossy little booklet from the Jehovah's Witness faith. Suddenly, I thought that this professional might be a member of that faith and I instantly had second thoughts about working with them. And then I was horrified that I had that thought. I had no idea that I carried that strong of a prejudice. I'd like to investigate these feelings and figure out how to change them.

---There was a comment in church to the effect that so many people make the Christmas season a time to be extra caring, extra thoughtful, more generous, and Christlike. She wished that people would carry those changes into the whole year. I realized that the only thing different I do at Christmastime is buy a few presents for my kids and attend/create more parties. That stung a little. Gotta figure out how to change that.

Now back to life at hand.

Our 13th Year

This week we celebrated our family's birthday. Bobby and I were sealed in the Salt Lake City temple 13 years ago.

And true to the superstition, our 13th year was a doozy! Just a few highlights:

--Two lovely weeks in Hawaii! First time ever without the kids.
--An unexpected promotion at work
--Accepting a call as Bishop
--Kidney stone
--Matthew joins our family

Here's hoping our 14th year is considerably more dull :)

Oh, Christmas Tree!

This awkward-looking Christmas tree is brought to you by a certain 2-year-old who's managed to break three of my favorite ornaments and ruin at least two Christmas present surprises :( We've therefore moved all of the ornaments to the top half of the tree and removed every present from underneath. I've also had a hard time finding the right moment to bring out the ceramic nativity scene...it may not happen this year...

Bobby's Sunday Summary

Sorry I haven't done this in a while, Mom I am not dead, don't worry too much.  Life gets crazy some times, and some things fall to the bottom of my priority list.  These past two weeks two big things happened for me.  The first was a week ago, and it was the Ward party.  It was not that different from a typical Christmas party except for the addition of one thing.

Some of the members of our ward got a little ambitious and roasted a whole hog.  Sadly it was too big to fit in the roasting box in one piece, so they cut it in half.  It was also too big to easily fit into the gym where we were having the dinner so they took it to the kitchen.  The effect was still nice, but not as dramatic.  Sorry about the picture being so fuzzy, I took it with my camera.

Here they are working on the other half of it.

After being back for half of Saturday and all of Sunday I was off again, this time to San Francisco for a conference.  Susan already told you about her experience while I was away, Don't worry I am taking the week off to try and help make it up to her.  For me it was a fairly normal trip, except for one big thing.  When I went to pick up my rental car I was informed that they were out of the little cars that I am allowed to rent, so I had to pick either a minivan or a Mustang. Can you guess which one I picked.

Sadly it rained most of the week so I never took the top down, despite it being in the 60s.  Oh well I didn't have much time to drive anyways.

100%

My hens' daily egg production has been 100% these last two days. Sometimes the smallest things make me surprisingly happy.

The big things do, too. On Tuesday, I was in dire straits. It was my first day with four kids to myself. My mom and sister had gone, Bobby was out of town at a conference, and I hadn't slept in two days. I was afraid to think about the next day and didn't dare ponder the three days ahead of me before Bobby would get home. People always ask me how I'm doing, but I don't tell them the full truth because I don't think they really want to know. Well, two friends asked and I couldn't keep myself together a moment longer. They swooped in today and took the big boys away to play. I caught up on sleep while Matthew napped. The quiet house cleansed my senses. The weight was lifted. I started to think more clearly. I started to feel like myself again. I don't know how to express to these friends my deepest thanks. I don't know how to repay them.

And here's the kicker: they aren't the only ones who helped me that day. Anine and Kiersten shuttled my kids as part of our regular carpools. Lara fed me lunch (through one of her awesome freezer meals). Terra took Alice to piano lessons, fed her a snack, and kept her until 4:30.

I have no room to complain, only thank. God performs his loving service through others. I get that now. When the time comes, I hope that I will be as ready to serve as these women are.

Goldilocks was a third child

Watching James last night at the ward Christmas party, I suspect that Goldilocks was the third child of four, her younger sibling was brand new, and her family was attending a church function in the woods when she wandered off.

Last night, James could have stumbled happily into a pit of vipers and made friends with all of them before we even noticed his absence.

Argh!

I'm more than a little frustrated with him and myself...going out in public with James is a whole new adventure now. We'll find a strategy that works for us eventually. No worries there. It's just one more growing pain in the mix :)

Crazy Night

Sooooooo, Matthew slept through TWO night feedings last night! But I was still awakened every couple hours...

8:30 PM
Matthew falls asleep, due to eat next at 9:15. I put on my PJs and tell James good night for the last time (he's been staying up later in his room lately). I make the mistake of telling him I'm going to go lie down in my bed. He runs up to me at his doorway and asks in a quivering voice, "Me lay down in Mommy's bed, too?" My sleep-deprived and emotionally tipsy heart almost bursts on the spot and I say "Okay." Bobby is out of town that night, so there is plenty of room :)

10:45 PM
I get kicked in the face by James who has somehow migrated all the way across a king-sized bed and turned 90 degrees. I take him to his own bed and go back to bed alone.

12:05 AM
The fire alarm starts beeping because of low battery power. I replace the battery. I wonder why Matthew is still sleeping...he skipped the 9:15 feeding and should be waking up about midnight to eat. I wonder if maybe he's experiencing carbon monoxide poisoning, then I realize we don't have a carbon monoxide detector and we could all be poisoned in our beds tonight! I barely suppress the panic, manage to cram the paranoia deep down inside and put "carbon monoxide detector" on the shopping list for tomorrow. I go back to bed.

2:00 AM
I hear crying, but it's not Matthew. It's Robert in the midst of another episode of growing pains. I rub his toes and suddenly I hear James scream-cough and then start to cry in his room. I fear vomit and start to panic. I run down the hall to wake my sister who is visiting/helping this week. She rubs Robert's toes and gives him pain meds while I assess James' needs. To my relief, there is no vomit. I soothe him back to sleep quickly (I suspect Robert's crying woke him up) and go back to Robert. We rub some more and say a prayer together. Robert tells us the pain is now manageable and he sends us away. I go back to bed.

3:15 AM
Matthew FINALLY wakes to eat. Hallelujah. Skipped feedings can be quite uncomfortable until the body adjusts. I go back to bed.

6:30 AM
Alice and Robert wake up ready for another day. I ignore them. James wakes up and I must get out of bed or terrible things will happen. I make waffles (why not?). The kids don't like them (apparently lemon-blueberry-coconut isn't a winning combination) and we get on with the rest of our day.

What a night!

Mini Photo Session Success!

A friend of mine took these neat picts of the kids recently. They were allowed to wear what they liked (hence the two outfits for Alice and Robert's Superman costume). I simply asked her to capture their personality and relationships. If James had been even the slightest bit smiley, and if Matthew hadn't been starving, it would have been "perfect." Such is life with small kids :) I'm glad she captured what she did because I've fallen in love with these kids all over again:

I love that toothless smile.

So silly and so fun. Alice truly is Robert's best friend.

He's had an itchy nose this winter. I love how matter-of-fact he is about it. He'll be talking to me or asking a question, then screw up his face all funny while I respond.

Such a serious James. He's normally as crazy as the other two.

I'm glad my friend could capture a brief glimpse of how much James loves and trusts his daddy.

Matthew on THE blanket my newborn picture was taken.

Every angle of Matthew's face reveals a different kid to me. I just had to include several shots.

See? Different kid. Which one of these pictures is most like the man he'll grow into?

It looks like a smile, but it's actually a wince. He's not fond of tummy time.

Turkey Trot

Alice and Robert ran their first "race" this morning at the 47th Annual Turkey Trot. They've been "training" for weeks, once running 200 laps in our house. The Turkey Trot is a local 1-mile fun run/walk put on by the park district that happens every Thanksgiving morning. Today was FREEZING, though not the coldest Turkey Trot on record :) Bobby ran with them. Here they are showing off their participant ribbons at the end:
 

Erin and I stood with James as spectators. Grandma stayed warm at home and Matthew stayed with her. James was interested in the animal mascots. He followed them as they moved from the start line to the finish (about 200 ft), but wouldn't get close enough for them to actually interact with him.

In other news, James has learned that Grandma's computer can show him video clips of motorcycles, helicopters, and other vehicles. Any time she has the computer out, he's right there asking to watch. Sometimes their video adventures take them elsewhere...like the Teletubbies. All three kids watched, but only James thought it was awesome: 

He was especially fond of the laughing baby in the sun and the honking seats. The rest of us found the experience pretty mind-numbing :)

$25,000 Baby

We just received the hospital and physician bills for Matthew's birth: $25,000. Fortunately, we're insured through Bobby's work and this hospital stay pushed us past our annual deductible. We only owe them $350 for the whole experience.

A few picts from recently:

James showing off a few snowflakes he had captured.

Grandma wanted a picture of Matthew's hands here, but all I see is a big, pink pacifier (purchased in desperation for form and function, not style...I don't like pink).

New family photo #1

New family photo #2

Matthew turns 1 month old this week. I'm still stuck in October. He's about 10 pounds, getting softer and fatter every day. He spends his conscious hours calm and happy (as long as you're holding him). He spends his daytime sleeping hours in the midst of the noisy activity that is life at our house. He sleeps through it all, dear boy. Nighttime is a work in progress. He eats every 3-4 hours and sometimes stays awake for an hour or so afterwards. Thank goodness for Grandma to take him so I can go back to bed :) Matthew holds his head up pretty well. He's smiled once really big for Grandma and once for Alice and tons and tons as he's falling asleep. It's a charming smile. Sometimes I watch him falling asleep just to catch a glimpse of it. I wonder how it will feel when he finally uses it intentionally.

Matthew skipped his first night feeding on Monday and I promptly came down with a short bout of mastitis (another one of those "oh yeah, now I remember this" moments). I'm so glad to have my mom and sister in town. The kids absolutely adore Erin. She makes everything more fun. Everything. She's taking them out on dates one-by-one, giving them lots of personal attention and special treats. Even James has decided that she's alright to smile for :)

Robert spent much of yesterday afternoon making paper snowflakes. While I was out of the room, he told Erin that she could buy him and take him home with her. She asked him "How much?" and he said "$5." Erin asked about the other members of the family and he said they would be $5 each, too, or *pause*think*think*think* $30 altogether.

WHAT?! Did that boy just do multiplication in his head?!

What if Robert turns out smarter than I am...can my pride handle it?!

James spent much of yesterday in time out. I wonder if he misbehaves sometimes just because he wants/needs some alone time. He plays and sings so happily all by himself that it's easy to leave him be. I've forgotten him in there more than once :) Do we have another introvert in the works? Time will tell.

I hear Matthew squeaking in his seat. Time for another feeding. 

One step forward...

...two steps back.

It's been one of those days. I'll spare you the infuriating details and just ask you if you know of any good 5-day preschools around here. Robert and James just couldn't seem to get along today.

I think things will feel better once I stop comparing this time to what I remember life was like before now. For example, I went back on this blog and read what it was like to have James as a 3-week-old (October 2012), and it was nothing like I remember. I had forgotten so much of the hard stuff. And now I'm living the hard stuff again, thinking this is the first time in my life I've ever felt this way. Sooooooo wrong. I need to forget what I think I know.

Therefore, my goal for this week is to stop reminiscing in an idealized past and just accept today. Accept the hard parts as normal, do the best I can, and look forward to forgetting them in the future :)

A little more progress

James spent half the day in time-out yesterday for the same three offenses over and over: hitting, kicking, and biting. I haven't been 100% consistent enforcing those limits before, so yesterday was the day to make it 100%. And I think I did pretty well. I count that as progress. Today, he's only hit once and that was after some teasing by his older brother. Still got a time-out.

I've also decided that it's not helpful to argue with him anymore. I don't remember Alice and Robert arguing with me much when they were two. I set a limit and they followed it or crossed it and faced the consequence. They didn't stand there and yell "no!" over and over again. So I got sucked in with James:

"Not in your mouth, James."
"Yes mouth!"
"No."
"Yes!"
"That would be a sad choice."
"No sad choice!"
etc.

With each protest, he gets more and more agitated until something happens...often a hit or kick or bite. See a pattern here? Yeah, I finally got it, too.

No more arguing.

"Not in your mouth, James."
"Yes mouth!"
***end of conversation***

If he actually crosses the limit, then he receives the consequence. I don't have to argue with a 2-year-old to set enforceable limits and follow through. Saves a lot of my energy. Thank you, Love and Logic.

Meanwhile, Matthew is making excellent progress on his cheeks and double chin.

He only smiles as he's falling asleep.

Alice has finished another short round of Indian Dance. I am always surprised at her gracefulness. I never felt graceful. I didn't think anything graceful could ever come from me. But there she is. It must come from Bobby's side of the family.

Robert has surprised me quite a bit lately, too. He thinks about things and how they work. He's making progress with phonics and has proudly read his first short reader to us. This morning, he figured out how to spell clock: "K-L-O-K". And the other day, he explained to me the difference between a lie and a trick. Apparently, it depends on how long you allow the person to believe the untruth...which is pretty much spot-on.

I can handle three...

Still figuring out this fourth kid thing. I went to church with the three older kids today, leaving Matthew home with my mom. It was not the kids' best church day. I was glad I didn't have Matthew to manage on top of it all. Driving home early (to swap my mom), I realized that I'm not yet convinced I can handle all four. I'm in over my head. Not a pleasant feeling.

My mom then left to go to church. I was alone with Matthew. I can handle Matthew, gassy belly and all. My mom brought all the kids home from church and James had fallen asleep in the car. We nuked some leftovers for lunch and the two oldest ate. They played. Matthew woke up to eat and I told the older kids to start quiet time. Everything went smoothly...because James was out of the picture. So, I realized that Alice and Robert weren't the major source of my anxiety. Their needs don't often conflict with Matthew's demands, especially when they have each other to play with.

No, it turns out that the major source of my anxiety with four children is James. Sweet little James. I can handle any combination of three kids as long as James and Matthew aren't grouped together. It's helpful to realize that, actually, because it means I'm not in over my head ALL of the time, just some of the time. James' needs are very hands-on. James wants me, and me only, to work with him on everything (eating, dressing, diapering, bedtime, reading, buckling, outings). That kind of attention doesn't mesh well with a baby right now.

So, what does this mean? I don't know. It just feels good to have the problem better-defined :)

James and Matthew

Remember when I mentioned James loving Matthew so much that I feared for his life? James has learned to be more gentle, but his chunky, wet, loud toddler love simply overfloweth. I need to share these moments before I forget them:

• Matthew was hanging out in the baby swing. James comes by and gets really, really close to the front of it. Just close enough that the swing kinda taps him in the belly. James throws his hands in the air and staggers backwards shrieking and hitting himself on the head, then falls down onto the ground with a grunty sigh, eyes closed. He's still for a moment before he opens an eye and peeks at Matthew, then busts out laughing. He repeats this several times, always checking for a reaction from Matthew. I think James is trying to get Matthew to laugh/play with him. He will be thrilled when Matthew actually starts smiling at him...or anyone.

• James wants to be with me while I nurse Matthew. Constantly. He climbs on the nursing chair to get as close as possible. He copies the squeaking and sighing sounds Matthew makes while he eats. Most often, James hovers around looking for places to hug and kiss Matthew and give him "blowfishes" or "raspberries." When his big, wet kisses leave a slobber spot, James says, "Uh-oh, wet!" and tries to dry him off. Again, he's learned to be more gentle, but the sheer number of kisses and head hugs and shrieking greetings must be shaping Matthew's perception of this older brother.

• James' interactions with Matthew haven't been 100% loving. The other day, Robert excluded James from some fun game he wanted to play. James got really frustrated at Robert, but Robert ran away before James could exact his revenge. James turned to me and a nursing Matthew, raised his arm and said, "Hit Baby Massew!" He tried once or twice before I sent him to time out. It was a chain effect. James probably would have hit anyone at that moment. I wish I could force Alice and Robert to include James in all their games, but he just can't play the way they do yet. I need to work with James more, developing more agreeable coping strategies.

• And finally, James is stringing together sentences of four words or more. His vocabulary is expanding and he's able to express some of the more complex thoughts he's had. It's still difficult to understand him if he's talking about something out of context, but I like that he thinks about things from other times and wants to share. Here are a few of his latest expressions:
• "no climb mine seat" (when I used his chair as a stool to get into the cabinet)
• "hold it, Baby Massew" (whenever he wants to hold Matthew)
• "no, me open it" (when he didn't want help with his string cheese)
• "wah some oh-enges" (any time he sees Clementines on the counter)
• "oogar!" (he saw frost on the grass for the first time and thought it was sugar)

Post-op Approval

I had my post-op appointment on Monday. The doc who performed the c-section was with a laboring patient, so they managed to squeeze me in to see the midwife on-call who happened to be Vanessa. She checked out my incision and said I could rip off the surgical tape any time I was ready (it wasn't as painful as I had feared). I've got a little more healing to do (cramping inside and itching outside), but I'm off the pain meds altogether and able to get around better. I asked Vanessa if I was approved to drive and she uttered one of the most profound and empowering statements I've ever heard:

Without a hint of sarcasm, she simply said, "Feel free to act like a normal person."

I laughed at that in the moment, focusing on the verb "act"...yup, it takes serious acting to make me look normal.

It was when I was heading home that I thought about it more. She had actually given me permission to stop seeing myself as fragile, broken, different, and in need. And THAT is an empowering string of words.

From that moment on, I actually stood up a little taller. The pain bothered me less. I wasn't afraid of bursting at the seams any moment. I stopped giving myself excuses to bow out of difficult situations (discipline stuff with the kids at home, mostly). I was healed because I had permission to be healed.

This wasn't the first time I've felt something so profound and meaningful from the midwives' advice. It's happened twice before. Once when I was pregnant with Robert (Vanessa), and the next when in labor with him (Kathy Easter).

Due Date

Tomorrow was Matthew's due date. Now he'll be just shy of two weeks old. It's surreal to me how fast and slow the last two weeks have gone. I feel like I'm getting a handle on things, but I have yet to 1) make dinner myself, 2) try to get somewhere on time, 3) re-adopt any of my previous routine, or 4) take Matthew anywhere with or without his siblings. I also haven't left the house in 7 days. Not even to check on the chickens (thanks to my friend watching over them for a while). But hey, I'm getting used to everything else :)

I'm healing well from the c-section in every way. My 2-week post-op appointment is tomorrow morning. Hopefully, I will be approved to drive again. Sometimes, when I'm alone and it's quiet, I get labor flashbacks. There are just a few specific moments that I'm still trying to figure out. I have so much more empathy for laboring moms these days. Alice's birth experience was a golden, unmedicated, hippie dream. Robert's birth was a rough and tumble unmedicated torture. James' was a slower, calculated, and well-medicated bliss. Matthew, well, you know how that went...somewhere in between all of those and yet nothing like any of them. There are several reasons I feel compelled to share my birth experiences with other moms. It's partly therapeutic, like treating post-traumatic-stress, and it's partly the drama and chaos of it all. You never know what's going to happen next.

Anyway, Matthew has been a great eater, sleeper, and pooper so far. He's not as needy at night as I remember my other newborns being. Sure, he gets bouts of gassy pushing and grunting, but he doesn't need to be comforted through them. We tried something new this time around. Bobby sleeps in our room and I sleep in the guest room with Matthew's crib. That way, Bobby gets a full night's sleep so he can handle the big kids better, and I have a quiet place to keep sleeping once all the big kids are up and running around. Something like a newborn suite. Kinda nice.

I can tell that the big kids are stressed. Alice bursts into tears at the slightest provocation (even more than usual, I should say). Robert takes delight in pestering Alice and James in subversive, passive-aggressive ways (again, more than usual). And James, well, he's a whole new creature these days. He's soooooo affectionate with Matthew, that I fear for Matthew's life. He's soooooo sensitive to correction and soooooo stubborn about everything that I find it exhausting to help him with anything. James and Matthew are almost exactly two years apart. It's the shortest gap between any of my kids. James is just too young to understand certain things, and I don't have the time and attention to work him through things as thoroughly as I could his older siblings. It's frustrating for both of us right now.

And then there's the realization that we now have four kids. Four! The other evening, our whole family was playing in Matthew's room while I nursed him. Everyone. All six of us. It felt SO full. I just kept counting us over and over, wondering how it could possibly have come to this point just one day at a time. Time progresses so quietly.

Just for fun, here are newborn-ish picts of Bobby and me to compare to Matthew:

Bobby

Bobby

Susan

Matthew

10 Days

A more detailed update on all things to come soon. This post is all about one cute baby face: