Anxiety Plan

Matthew is home sick today with a fever of 102F. Ibuprofen lowers it to something more reasonable, but he's still pretty much sleeping on the couch between beverage breaks. That forces me to slow down, cancel plans, and take a morning to blog.

I'm not gonna lie. Life at the Evans household is pretty intense right now. We're grappling with paralyzing anxiety, which takes some time to stabilize, especially in children. I'm leaning on some great advice a friend gave me about her own children, "The child is not the problem. The [XYZ] is the problem. Your child just needs to be loved and feel loved." 

It's kinda rough, adjusting some expectations that I thought were set in stone. I think that's the hardest part. I catch myself thinking, "Why can't my kid just [XYZ] like other kids? How can I fix it?!" 

Why can't they make friends?

Why can't they just go to class?

Why can't they adjust to unexpected changes in their schedule?

Why don't they have words for what they're feeling?

Why are they so anxious about something that 90% of their peers just take in stride?

Why is this such a big deal to them?

Why can't they just sit down and do it?

I've run into these frustrations so many times now that the sharp sting has turned into something of a constant, dull ache. It's more like, "Oh yeah, this again. Well, let's go." Am I worn down? Am I giving up? Or am I finally seeing things the way they really are? Maybe something in-between? It's really hard to tell on my end. 

Our current plan is a good one, but it will take some time to see results:

--We've got both boys in therapy and one on meds. They like therapy, but it's not a quick fix. It takes time to build habits and thinking patterns that allow a person as anxious as they are to self-regulate. Alex has come so far over the last 6 years! 

--Specific training and a support group for parents. Organizations like The Child Mind Institute, International OCD Foundation, Anxiety and Depression Association of America, and the American Academy of Child-Adolescent Psychiatry all offer education and training. A couple offer online support groups for parents. When I need to face difficult things, I find a little empathy goes a long way. 

--Anxiety/Depression meds are tricky in kids. The kids' brains are still developing and their bodies are constantly growing, so an effective dosage is a moving target. Sometimes the side effects are worse than the benefits. And sometimes the side effects are more anxiety! But, antidepressants can also be highly effective and make a big difference right away. We saw that in Matthew. 

--Patience. So much patience, recognizing that my own plans/schedules might be disrupted and it's not the end of the world.

--Prayer. So much prayer, seeking inspiration for the big picture and insight into the daily struggles. 

--Courage, knowing that my parenting strategies in these situations won't align with others' opinions on the matter, and still doing what I feel is best for my family. 

So, that's the plan for now. It's actually something of a relief to have Matthew down with a virus. A virus is easy. The kid feels miserable for a few days, but then it's over. Even if it triggers an asthmatic episode and pneumonia, that's something I know how to work with. I've done that a hundred times. Even if he doesn't sleep for three days. Even if I have to clean up vomit or diarrhea. Even if every other person in the house gets it in turn, it still comes to an end. Easy peasy. 

This anxiety stuff, though, is gonna take a whole lot more practice.