The Next 10 Years

I've been giving considerable thought to the next 10 years of my life. The kids are older now, their needs continue to evolve, and my day-to-day role in their lives grows ever more unpredictable as they take greater control of their own future. And I love seeing them grow like this! I have no idea how much or in what ways my kids may need me once they move out, but I have complete confidence in their ability to navigate adulthood. I look forward to seeing what they do with their time and talents.  

Now, what am I to do with my own time and talents over the next 10 years? It's an especially pressing matter at this moment because I'm on track to finish my 50-50-50 cycling goal this December. 

I've decided to let my future mission application guide my current time and energy choices. Like I'm building a resume. What sorts of skills am I excited to offer in service to others, and how much experience do I want in each of those skills before I apply?

For example, I have 24 years experience in vegetable gardening, but only 2 seasons experience in larger scale farming. I'd like to get that up to at least 5 seasons. 

I have 1 year professional experience in bicycle repair, and this is my 3rd year refurbishing bikes for a local charity (over 100 bikes done so far!). I'd like to get more professional training. There are a couple of 6-week bike mechanic courses in the country that offer certification. There's also an opportunity for me to work in partnership with a small bike shop in town. I may be able to coordinate a bike repair clinic in the local charity I'm working with.

I have 4 years of French language training from high school, and 2 years of Spanish on Duolingo. I'd really like to take college Spanish language courses so I get more proficient in speaking and writing it. And since learning a language is more motivating when I have a purpose, I'm looking into Medical Translation Certification. That requires at least 24 credit hours of Spanish courses. That will take a few years.

And I'd like to take courses in Residential Electrical work. 

And stay physically active.

And maintain a healthy weight.

Another important element to this series of goals is spiritual preparation. It occurred to me just this week that I might benefit from praying about which talents and skills to work on. In prayer, I gushed about all of my neato ideas and felt like that was all well and good. Whew. Then I calmed down and listened a little. It was the strangest thing that happened next. I literally felt in my heart a growing desire to minister to others. Like, not the guilt-driven feeling, but an actual want in me. It's not something I have felt before, even with all of my trying to love ministering. This felt very much like a literal, physical softening of my heart, and with it came a self-assurance that I could minister to others from a place of love, not fear or obligation or whatever else was holding me back. That feeling carried over as I took my family to church. I saw several people at church that I hadn't seen there before, and genuinely enjoyed saying hello to them and making a little conversation. 

Mind. Blown.

The feeling is now gone, but the memory of the feeling remains. That means it's time to act. So, okay, I'll work on ministering more, too ;) 

And I'm open to any further suggestions you might have. I would love to hear what you think is something worth putting on a mission application!

Grind to the end

This was written early-May, but only published today.

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It's the last few weeks of the school year and we're all feeling it...

Lukas is slogging through finals week, packing up his dorm, and getting ready for his job as a Summer Camp Counselor at the Anita Purves Nature Center. We pick him up this Saturday!

Robert is swamped with coursework and studying for AP exams. He's not sure his independent study of BC Calc this year will pay off. He says he didn't sign up for the test to get anything short of the highest score (5/5). That anything less than that would be a waste. He's also had a string of health issues one right after the other...sprained ankle, crazy seasonal allergies, ear infection, nasty cold, and now virus-induced asthma. Last night, he told me that he feels an immense drive (compulsion?) to develop his full potential or else it's all wasted. He berates himself for his lack of discipline, which makes me laugh, because that kid has more self-awareness and drive than any of us. He decides to do something and then makes it happen. He says it's probably the OCD in him, but he feels like he doesn't have the will power on his own to be/do/achieve all the right/ideal/perfect things. He wants someone else to force him to do the things he knows he should do. He even wishes AI could choose the perfect music for whatever mood he's in because music selection takes more time/effort/perfection than he wants to invest. That's some serious perfectionism. He recognizes that it's harder this way. The struggle itself tends to ebb and flow.

Some great things have happened lately, too. Robert turned 16! He finished his practice driving hours and can now get a license. He's built a really great relationship with Matthew. He did it deliberately, for a specific purpose, and it's gone splendidly. Anyone else see a certain level of discipline, self-awareness, and drive in this kid? 

James' moods have been more volatile lately. He pretty much oscillates between pestering us and feeling emotionally devastated. He, Matthew, and I were watching a movie together, and Matthew and I were really into it. James finds the serious parts of movies pretty unbearable and made a move to fast-forward one part. I said no. Matthew said no. James smiled and laughed and pulled his hand away. Funny joke, right? Well, he did it again for the next serious part. We said no a little louder, with furrowed brows. I told him the next time he did that, he'd be excused. Then he did it AGAIN during an especially important part of the story and I got angry. Matthew got angry. I snapped at James, "Stop! That's not okay!" James instantly wilted, completely hurt, and slinked off to his room. A few minutes later, I heard him making distressed noises and knocking things into his walls. When the movie ended a few minutes later, I was torn between going to chat with him and just letting the consequences speak for themselves. I went to invite him to family scripture study and prayer. He declined. After prayer, I went back to talk with him. He was totally crushed. We didn't really resolve anything in that chat, but at least he didn't feel ignored. 

The very next day, as we were getting in the car for school, he and Matthew were chucking a half-filled water bottle at each other in some sort of playful consternation game. At one point, Matthew said he'd had enough. When I turned on the car, Matthew suddenly imagined the water bottle distracting the driver (me) and us getting into a horrible crash and burning to death. He said so. James playfully waggled the water bottle in Matthew's direction as if he were going to toss it to him again. Matthew and I both said no. Matthew didn't want to play anymore. It was really freaking him out. I backed out of the driveway and started to move forward when James got a mischievous grin and threw the water bottle over his head towards Matthew. Matthew screamed in angry frustration. I yelled, "Stop!" in a pretty terse tone, then I hit the brakes. I turned to James and said, "This is why we yell at you! We ask you to stop again and again and you don't stop!" He wilted instantly. Then I took it too far, in a much calmer but clearly exasperated tone, "Would it be better if I just started with the yelling part??" James sank even lower into his seat. Matthew, miraculously, took this emotional upheaval in stride and got off to school just fine. James, however, grew more and more agitated as we drove to school. He made distressed sounds, hung his head, and writhed in his seat more and more. If I tried to ask him about it, he got worse. In the end, he stormed out of the car and slammed the door behind him. 

The tendency to take things too far is not surprising. James likes to tease and laugh with people through pushing those kinds of boundaries. Maliciously or innocently, James also likes to try new things without asking, especially if it's in the gray zone of "allowed." That approach can really pay off..."Oh, I thought that rule only applied when XYZ. Oh well, I'll know for next time." It kinda stresses me out. I've had recurring nightmares for years where James ignores my rules and my pleas. I ask him to stop repeatedly in bigger and louder ways and he doesn't stop, even when it's for his own safety. I often wake up from those dreams in tears. 

The hard feelings around the movie and the water bottle have since dissolved, but the emotional roller coaster undercurrent remains. I can chalk some of it up to adolescent hormones (Robert got really volatile at this age), some to the reality of living with anxiety/depression, and some to the fact that Matthew doing better means the other kids finally feel safe sharing some of their own struggles. 

James is doing really well with his personal goals. He works and works on them, even when he doesn't want to. He cannot wait for school to end. He knows he'll be bored over the summer, but he also knows we've got several things planned to break up the boredom a bit.

Matthew is feeling more stress as year-end assignments and projects come due, but he's also coping pretty well. Really well, actually, compared to what it was only a couple months ago. He decided that he would like to try and do homework again. He asked to do it at the library so he could keep his "school mode" on and delay his "home mode". We've done that a couple times already and it's been REALLY successful. Unbelievable, to be honest. I had pretty much given up on homework at home before this. 

As for me, this is the first May in a long time that I'm not dreading the last day of school. Kinda weird. I'm trying to parse out why, but it's not coming easily. I've recently made HUGE progress on my bike refurbishing goal. I've had energy to serve at church and in my community. My garden is underway. The chickens are much, much larger and Nova seems less intent on murdering them. With Erin, I get out to exercise regularly. For my church calling, the hardest part of the year is over and now there's a lull through the summer months. By the end of this calendar year, I'll be done with my 50 states cycling goal. At that point, it's just 7 years until Matthew graduates from high school and we go on our first mission for the church. So, my goals for those 7 years will be pretty intense and specific...bike work, physical health, spiritual growth, larger scale farming, foreign language proficiency, perhaps training as an electrician...not sure what 4 adult kids will be needing from me, so I'll try to remain flexible there.

Bobby is chugging along. He gets up really early to take Robert to seminary, unloads the dishwasher, exercises several times a week, works and works all day, makes dinner for the family, and then goes to bed early. Every once in a while there's a really bad day at work, or his digestive issues flare up and make him miserable, but most of the time he is just doing his own thing at his own pace and making things happen. On Sundays that he's not assigned to speak as a high councilor in another ward/branch, he manages Matthew and James so that I can attend all of Sacrament Meeting in person. If/When I overschedule myself, or there's a medical issue with one of the kids, Bobby works from home to support me. He's started working with the kids on their personal goals, too. It's a huge relief to have someone else do the emotional labor of following up and following through with the kids.

Altogether, it feels like a grind to the end. Almost there...and then what?!