Dream

In my dream last night, I was at the YMCA. There were people exercising in classes and swimming in the pool. They looked so happy! I was kinda confused. Weren't we all supposed to be staying at home? I asked a staff member and they said the Y had reopened! I was so happy that I started to cry right then and there.

So, I like exercising at the Y, and I like the people in my classes at the Y, but I don't think this dream was about the Y. I think it was about what the Y means to me...and how much I miss certain aspects of my life B.C. (before Covid-19).

I started going to the Y soon after James started preschool...Jan/Feb 2016. Matthew, having just turned 1, tolerated the child care really well. I had weaned my last child! This was the beginning of a new chapter. Over the last 4 years, my relationship with the Y hasn't always been steady, but it's been a reliable kid-free space to do something good for myself. I build skills, enjoy casual adult conversations, and measure progress towards goals!

*sigh*

I miss that safe space I could count on.

I miss my triathlon races...they've all been cancelled this summer.

I miss feeling strong.

I miss interacting with adults outside my home.

I miss being proud of myself.

Bobby and Erin have worked hard to give me the "me time" I need to endure isolation well. That has been a blessing.

And now that we have something of a routine with the kids, I'm enjoying the flexibility and closeness that comes with having no where else to go.

When I took part in a worldwide fast to pray for relief from the Covid-19 pandemic, I didn't expect an instant vaccine or miraculous implosion of the virus. I decided that I would look for God's hand in whatever came next. And what came next was a series of small mercies that made this whole experience a little less difficult for me. First, I felt a greater desire to follow the guidelines put out by public health officials and researchers. My itch to rebel was tamed. Second, I learned to use my precious "me time" to the fullest. Third, our new schedule started feeling predictable, almost routine, which meant a lot less resistance from the kids and a lot more realistic expectations from the parents. Fourth, my weirdness on camera has dissipated a bit so I can enjoy "face-to-face" communication with people outside my home again (I do need people. Even if the vast majority of them terrify me.)

It's not perfect. It's still not "normal". I would still sob tears of joy if I could freely go to the Y again. Or the library. Or my friend's house. I don't miss my responsibilities at church that much yet...but soon...I'm sure...

Outside

I spent most of the day outside Saturday. I finished some indoor chores in the morning, then went straight to work bagging up leaves and vegetative bits for the city to pick up on Monday. I stopped counting after 12 bags. James was a GREAT companion for this task. Never mind that he was barefoot and still in his pajamas and avoiding his weekly chores indoors *eye roll*. I didn't worry too much about it because James prefers to rush through all of his chores at the last moment anyway. And if he was outside having fun with me, at least he wasn't inside driving siblings up the wall while they tried to complete their chores :)

James built a fairy house.Well, it's more like a fairy mansion now: luxurious hut, a party house nearby, and a play space down below for kid fairies. He added a food garden and a tree for shade...the very tree I had just dug out from under our fence. He anticipates a fairy will move in any day now.

Matthew kept me company while I prepped a new flower bed. He was telling me a secret about his super powers. He said he used to have all the superpowers over every element. Then he lost all but one: the power of friendship. He says it comes in handy with his best friend, K, and it's one of the strongest super powers out there. Now he's searching for the crystals that will give him more superpowers. A master of the darkness has created monsters to hoard the crystals and try and stop him, but he just tells the monsters the truth: "I'm the master of light and I can destroy all the darkness and darkness monsters. I don't want to hurt you, I just want the superpowers, and then when I have them, I'll share them with you!" And he means it. Then they will become light monsters and be happy and be his friends.

As I stuffed lawn bags, Robert mowed the lawn. It was the first mowing of the season, so he was a little nervous at first, but 30 seconds into it he was laughing and amazed at how much this particular task had become a habit for him. He didn't even have to think very hard about it, he said.

I think I got a bit of a sunburn.

As I dug up weeds, James would discover worms. He rushed over to the chicken pen and dropped them in, keeping careful watch to see which hen got it each time.

What did Alice do all day? I don't think she came outside. She probably read in her room after finishing her chores. Yeah. That sounds about normal ;)

Grouchy Lady

There's a grouchy lady in my head. She started coming by a few months ago. She notices housekeeping tasks that fall below her expectations and says things like, "disgusting", "I don't know how you can live like this", and "ew." She tsks loudly or rolls her eyes when I make a parenting choice that she disagrees with. Sometimes her lips draw into a tight line and her eyes seethe with disapproval...that's her being polite. She has a real voice. She has a real face. Sometimes her pointed deep sighs and subtle head shaking spur me to action. Sometimes I take great pleasure in upsetting her. She's not real, but the things I feel in response to her "actions" are very, very real.

Why did she suddenly show up? I have my theories. The big question is, though, what do I do with her now that she's here?

I was reading a New York Times article on how to cope with the stress of the Covid-19 pandemic. It had anxiety in the title, so I read it for me and I read it for Alice. There wasn't anything in the article that I wasn't already working on, but something stuck out in particular. The author was describing her own struggle with persistent anxious thoughts and said things got a little more manageable when she named her anxiety "Carl." When anxiety started welling up, she'd say what it was out loud and give the credit to Carl, "Carl says I can't go for a hike because a bear might attack me." Just putting that little bit of distance between herself and her anxiety helped her take back some control. "Carl, you're being completely irrational."

The grouchy lady in my head, therefore, is now named Eugenia. I'm sorry if that's the name of someone you love. I named her after Eugenia Lincoln in the children's book series Mercy Watson, written by Kate DiCamillo. Thanks, Alyssa, for introducing me to that series so long ago!

Eugenia thought the toilets looked and smelled disgusting today. I agreed with her. I scrubbed them. I was sweeping all the floors later and Eugenia said, "If this were my house, I would mop up that crusty stripe of strawberry pie goo. How long has that been there anyway?!" I smiled at her and said, "Nah, not today. I'm completely satisfied with a swept floor."

The first sleep-out of the year. Yes, the boys have made their bed in the wheelbarrow. Long story short, James and Robert were the only ones who managed to stay out there all night.

One of James' school-at-home assignments was to list 10 things you should always have at home. His response: PS4 (the Play Station 4 that Erin loaned us), couch, me, Mom, Dad, Alice, Robert, Matthew, food, and water. Always? James, please, this stay-at-home thing cannot be forever. Please no.

James learning to use the power drill as a screwdriver. He helped me disassemble the old garden beds. Matthew was in charge of sorting the screws after they came out.

This was taken on a recent "sanity walk" to the U of I Arboretum. There's a bench with a sign declaring it as a great place to take a picture. James insisted :)

I'm a Sim

Alice and Erin and lots of time stuck at home have introduced me to Sims. Alice was playing it at first, but I got hooked pretty quickly. It's a game where you essentially run people's lives. This particular version gives you a series of challenges/quests to complete to unlock special features. Alice's approach was to fly through the challenges as quickly as possible, running her Sims ragged all day, only giving them the bare minimum care (feeding, bathing, sleep, toileting, social interaction, and pursuing personal interests/hobbies) to get the challenges done. When I took over, my impulse was to see to the Sims' needs first, then spend the extra time on challenges. As their needs were met, my Sims started sparkling.

I like to make them sparkle.

It turns out, I'm a lot like a Sim. A few weeks ago, I had a routine that met all of my needs: feeding, bathing, toileting, social interaction, and pursuing personal interests/hobbies. That made me sparkle! I was resilient, content, making plans, and dealing with routine troubles. Then the Covid-19 pandemic kinda rocked our world and sent me reeling. I've been trying to get back my sparkle ever since. It turns out, extra time feeding does NOT make me sparkle. Neither does extra time pursuing personal interests/hobbies make up for a lack of social interaction. I need each one of those things and they aren't interchangeable, gosh darn it! I finally figured that out after a long, lovely chat over Skype with my parents and sister last night. It made me happy, satisfied, in a way that I didn't expect. I didn't realize how much I missed talking to people's faces. People who didn't need me to be their mom, anyway. And this morning, I went for a long bike ride. Then I practiced the guitar, watered the garden, planted more seeds, and spent a couple hours working at the farm. Bobby made that all possible, by the way, by being the kids' sole cook, parent, and teacher this morning. I felt sparkly for the first time since quarantine began.

I can't expect a leisurely and quiet morning like that every day. No way. But, maybe, if I pay attention to each of my Sim needs in turn, I can strike a real balance that carries me better through the rough bits. I'm going to work on that.

New 'Do!

Alice's hair is now purple:

If she weren't such an upstanding, stalwart, honest, trustworthy and open person, I probably wouldn't have let her do it. And if we were going to church every Sunday, I probably wouldn't have let her do it. Robert, James, and Matthew, don't be getting any ideas.

When I first saw her new hair, I thought, "Wow, she looks so cool. And all grown up like." But all I could say out loud (and it came out a little too loudly) was, "Look at that purple hair!!"

I wondered if maybe she was going to drop out of school in a couple years and I would look back on this day and say, "That's when it started to go downhill."

Why? Because when I was a kid, peers who dyed their hair also got excessive piercings. They were snarky, sassy, and disrespectful. They hung out in the park during class. And did drugs. And dropped out of high school. See where I'm going with this?! Dyeing one's hair was a sign of rebellion and hopelessness and anarchy and poor decisions.

But, this is Alice. She runs from rebellion and anarchy. If she wants her hair purple, it must be for some other reason. Yes. It turns out, she wants her peers to notice her during their Zoom class meetings. She thinks it's pretty. And fun. And permanent change scares the heebie-jeebies out of her, so she's only tried longer-lasting temporary dyes so far.

This morning, as she made herself breakfast and interacted with us, she was still the Alice I had come to know. Then, when we took a walk to the U of I Arboretum with James and Matthew, she talked and laughed and talked some more like the fantastic Alice I already knew and loved. Her hair color didn't change her personality. Yet. I confessed to her all of the stereotypes and images I had to confront when considering her color change. And we agreed right then that even though she was still the fantastic person she was two days ago, there would be people who think differently of her now BECAUSE her hair is purple. For good or ill.