Photos

Matthew's birthday cake this year :)

Matthew in his Spider Man costume for Halloween. 

James and Matthew at the ward Trunk-or-Treat. James is dressed as a "capitalist" and Matthew is a machine being controlled by a wolf. I think. 
 

Nova, absolutely pooped after a long morning chasing squirrels at the park.

Me and Matthew playing Bananya, the card game that Lukas' boyfriend bought Matthew during our visit to Carbondale. It's pretty cute. 

Fantastic icicles at Erin's house!

James' praying mantis egg case (aka oothecase) hatched this morning. I think we have maybe 100 baby praying mantises in my kitchen right now. Fortunately, our local pet store carries pinhead crickets and flightless fruit flies so they won't go hungry. Our last brood ended up eating each other, mostly, even with a steady supply of crickets. We've got them in a larger container this time...maybe that will curb the cannibalism? 

Ok, Let's Talk Turkey

Thanksgiving break was pretty nice this year. We planned to spend Thanksgiving in Ohio with our friends the Garners and the Barruses. James and Matthew had the whole week off, while Robert wasn't off until Wednesday, so I took the younger boys to Ohio for some touristy stuff before the two Roberts arrived Wednesday afternoon. Lukas opted to stay in Urbana with Erin this year. 

Did I take pictures? Not many. It looks like I haven't downloaded the photos from my phone in a very, very long time. 

Tuesday evening, the boys and I checked into our VRBO, but the front door code wasn't working. The instructions they emailed me said the code would be the last four digits of my phone number. Well, we tried it multiple times until the key pad itself locked us out. Matthew about died. He thought we would have to sleep outside. I contacted the owner and she fixed the issue. We unloaded our stuff, chose our bedrooms, made grilled cheese, and I went grocery shopping for the last few items we needed. It wasn't the loveliest place we've ever stayed, and it kinda smelled bad, but Matthew was starting to calm down. That's when the neighbors came by to let us know in no uncertain terms that they were very upset with the owner about parking and other property issues and the VRBO would be closed down by the city that weekend. Matthew kinda lost it. I assured him that none of that would affect our stay. We would park in the right place and leave at the right time. Matthew still didn't feel safe, but he was willing to give it a go. Well, about 8:30, we hear someone entering numbers into the front door keypad and trying to open it. Repeatedly. I open the door and it's another person claiming to have reserved this VRBO this weekend. We were both completely shocked. He tried to contact the owner and I suddenly remembered the code not working for us earlier...I looked over my reservation...yup, I had reserved this property for Thanksgiving 2026, not 2025. We had arrived a year early! 

Well, I scrambled to find another place to stay. Slim pickings. I did finally find one, but they wouldn't be ready for us tonight. We had to stay somewhere else tonight. We had to vacate the property in 20 minutes. Fortunately for me, Rachel's house guests weren't arriving until the next day, so we hurriedly loaded the van back up (and got another tongue lashing from the neighbor) and got out of there. Matthew pretty much decided he never wanted to come back to Ohio ever again. We crashed in Rachel's guest room. All three of us. She had several excellent sleeping places to offer us, but the boys wouldn't leave me. Matthew and I shared the bed and James stayed on an inflatable hiking mat on the floor. He did not sleep. I did not sleep. Matthew did great. 

Wednesday morning we decided to visit the Cleveland Museum of Art. They have an impressive display of medieval armor and weapons. They even have several suits of child-sized armor that were made for young princes. We examined every floor. My boys gravitated towards the realistic portraits and scenes. About 30 minutes into our art adventure, we were moving from the armor section past an elevator where 10 people suddenly spilled out around and through our little threesome. Seconds later, Matthew started getting a panic attack. Related? He said it wasn't, but I'm gonna hold on to it for a bit. 

Matthew suddenly decided at that moment to play a game. We would come up to a painting (realistic portraits of battle scenes and families and historical moments) and have to guess which person in the painting he was impersonating. James played, too. It was hilarious! That kid is something. The panic returned as soon as the game grew stale. I knew our time was short, but I wanted to see the last floor...Renaissance art. James started dragging his feet, too. Everyone knows that Matthew's panic signals the end. It's no use trying to stave it off. We turned the corner into the exhibit and I saw a painted scene from the nativity story. I asked them to tell me which person was Jesus. It was another game. They groaned in synch. I said we could leave the museum once we found Jesus 10 times. All of a sudden, they were dashing about examining the art and counting them up. It was like shooting fish in a barrel. They found 10 images of Jesus in about 20 seconds and we were done!

The Cleveland Art Museum Atrium. Matthew wanted a picture where it looked like he was holding the tree.

Here, we are taking the glass elevator down to the parking level. 

The next stop was Trader Joe's. It's a popular (and kooky?) grocery store with interesting items and flavors. We picked up mango-flavored dreamsicles and the cutest little ice cream cone drumsticks you've ever seen. That was lunch. We also found an ENORMOUS pair of pomegranates and a trio of fancy jams: rhubarb vanilla bean, mango with yuzu lemon, and strawberry with black pepper. See? It's kinda cool and weird all at once. 

After Trader Joe's, we headed back to Rachel's house. I got started on some bike repairs. Rachel's kids came home from school and we invited them to the movies with us. Not just any movie, but Wicked: For Good. The best seat we could find was way too close for my taste (4th row) but Matthew said, "I have to move my head just to see the whole screen! I love it!" And he loved, loved, loved the movie just as much. I talk a lot about Matthew's stress and panic attacks, but this kid is enthusiastic, funny, smart, confident, and just plain great to be around the rest of the time. It's a welcome relief to see him enjoying himself so thoroughly. 

Bobby and Robert arrived in Ohio during the movie. They weren't able to check in to our new VRBO until 4pm, and the owner was not the most responsive of communicators, so we just met up with them after the movie at the Garner's house. When we finally did check in to our rental, it was FREEZING. No bad smells or grouchy neighbors, though, so Matthew felt considerably safer. The old, drafty house never did warm up adequately. I kinda felt like I was camping.

Thursday morning, Thanksgiving, we had a leisurely breakfast of Dutch Puff and took our time getting ready for the day. We arrived at the Garners' house about 11am and stayed until 8pm or so. It was a long day of video gaming, bike repair, food prep, lots of good conversations with my friends, some board games, a service project, and an excellent meal with people I enjoy very much. Robert had a headache, though, and was struggling to have fun with teenagers he barely remembered and who had nothing obviously in common with his current interests. My friend was scoring pre-calculus exams for her college-level math class and offered a blank one to Robert. He finished it in 20 minutes and only missed one point for having a negative sign in the wrong place. He was pretty proud of that, and was offered some calculus problems to work on. Robert is not in a calculus class. He's studying it on his own to take the AP exam in May. Working on the problems was great, he said, until he had a question about something and all the Garner boys (who are currently taking college-level calculus) knew something that he didn't. It made him feel stupid :( A lot of Robert's current self-image is built on being really good at some things. Math is one of those things. So, being the only teenager in the room who didn't know that one math thing was a real blow.

Friday was another leisurely day. We had pie for breakfast! Then we had an elaborate popcorn tasting before the Barrus family had to leave. There was a winter storm coming through that would make their drive home very difficult and dangerous if they didn't leave in the early afternoon. It turns out the most traditional-looking popcorn won in almost every category. After lunch, we visited the Fannie-May chocolate factory. Tours weren't happening that day, but we got to taste a piece at their gift shop and score some great chocolate deals. 

James out in front of the chocolate factory. It's freezing cold. There's snow and ice everywhere. No one wants to sit on the giant chair. And James will not smile in a picture unless it's an accident. 

After lunch, Rachel and Gideon drove me to a bike shop to pick up some parts. Fortunately, they had everything I needed! I worked on bikes the rest of the afternoon. That evening, we played Bunco. 

As I explained how to play the game to a cluster of teenagers and young adults, Robert insisted that I was making absolutely no sense. Joshua backed me up, though, saying that my explanation was plenty clear. I took it as a sign, however small, that my communication issues with Robert may not be entirely as one-sided as he proclaims. 

This is the traditional "kids on the stairs" photo that we take when we visit the Garners. You can see some Barruses in there, and there are a LOT of kids missing. This is also one of the few pictures you'll see James smiling by accident. 

We left for home the next morning, but had to stop halfway and spend the night in Dayton, OH. Another winter storm had closed down the freeway. It was hard to believe, though, since Dayton was getting no snow whatsoever. Bobby and I left the boys at the hotel to check out another kooky grocery store in Cinncinati. It was pretty weird. We found a few treasures, though, that we had to bring home. 

That night in the hotel, James got the bed with me and Matthew got the couch. I did not sleep. James did not sleep. Matthew did fine. 

As we drove again the next day on perfectly dry roads, James started doubting whether we should have stayed overnight in Dayton at all. Just past Indianapolis, we saw a couple cars that had slid off the road the day before. Then another. And another. In that final stretch of highway between Indy and Urbana, we counted 16 cars that had slid off the road into snowbanks and ditches. James no longer doubted the wisdom in staying in Dayton for the night. 

While we were away, Lukas was crazy-busy in our kitchen. He baked oatmeal raisin chocolate chip cookies, 3 dozen croissants, and several small loaves of bread. He prepared his signature ramen and experimented with a fermented ginger drink. He cooked a large batch of beef stroganoff to take back to college with him. He said he lost track of time while he was cooking/baking. It was lovely. He also cleaned up after himself!

I had a great time visiting with my friends. The weather didn't allow for a trip to Kirtland, OH, so we'll have to go back when it's warmer :)

October and November

It's mid-November. Today is the official beginning of the "Persephone Period" when daylight is just short enough that all plants stop growing. Even plants in greenhouses with temperature control and the perfect soil conditions will just stop. And wait.

Kinda feels familiar ;)

I'm working hard to let November be November this year, and not just "Pre-Christmas-Month." I've been happier. I don't really like Christmas anymore. There are expectations and standards and "shoulds" and the burden of celebrating and recognizing this holiday for weeks on end. Like it's up to me to create traditions and a magical, spiritual experience for my family 2 months of every year. The truth is, it's never quite enough or quite right. That hurts. 

So, no thanks. I'm putting that off as long as I can this year.

Our October and November have been full :) At the ward trunk-or-treat, James ran a candy casino. It was his idea, start to finish, and he had a lot of fun running the games. All three boys had social events to attend on Halloween itself (hip hip hooray!), so we had Erin and my mom over to watch some movies. Bliss. 

Nova ate a sock that landed her in the hospital again, but thankfully they helped her work it out without surgery. This time. She's now better supervised and restricted from certain parts of the house. She's also on a strict exercise routine to keep things moving along in case of another incident. She doesn't mind. She'll gladly sleep on the couch all day or go out and run with squirrels. No big deal to her. 

Alex now goes by Lukas. It's trickier to change someone's name when they're not around all the time, but we're trying :) We chat regularly. He says I am welcome to share on the blog anything he's willing to share with me. So, he's got a boyfriend and a good group of friends. He's doing well in his classes. He's started testosterone therapy and is really, really happy about it. He says he can already hear a difference in his voice, but most people won't notice much of a change until March or so. He was able to move into a private room at the dorms, which has helped immensely with his panic attacks, and he says college is his happy place. He's finally who he wants to be with real friends who care about him, and his future is wide open.

I've been back at the gym the last couple of weeks. It's good and it's hard.

Matthew has been a lot happier at home lately. He's been able to do his homework at school, or catch up in his after school tutoring sessions once a week. He's in love with a couple new video games, too. We got him super soft and comfy clothes that he's happy to change into every day, which has relieved a significant amount of school morning stress. He still has incapacitating panic attacks with screaming and crying, but they're less frequent when other stressors are avoided. I'm also a little more callous to his episodes. It doesn't pay off to hover. It doesn't change anything to offer a litany of possible solutions to his current stress. When he's stressed about getting out of the car at school, I used to park the car and carefully navigate his emotions back to "okay" before he'd finally get out and walk in on his own. I have since learned that he does better in school. Any time he's out in the car with me, he's falling further behind in class, which only builds more stress later on. It's a pattern we both want to avoid. So, with this logic in mind, he's recently allowed me to walk him up to his classroom. I'm in my pajamas. Hair hurriedly pulled back. He's clinging to me the whole time. His face is buried in my shirt as we pass teachers and kids in the hallway. I smile and say, "Good Morning." I've had to let go of a lot of things to make this possible. Pride, mostly. But, he's on his own two feet and he's going to class. On time. 

The longer we live with this, the more we learn. There's a brief window of opportunity in Matthew's panic attacks where intervention can make a difference (usually humor), but once he crosses that threshold, it's no longer about one thing or another, it's out of control. He's kind of an Anxiety Hulk that way. 

There'a video game I like to play called Total Battle. I spend a lot of time on it. I love it. It's a slow-burn sort of game where you build technologies and resources over time that allow you to defeat bigger and bigger monsters and gain more and more strength. It's primarily a team game. Your clan matters. When individual players choose to sacrifice a little personal gain in order to help the clan, everyone benefits 10-fold. I like the other players in my clan. There are some genuinely wonderful people that I've grown to love. There are also frustrating people and bullies and miscommunications and cultural differences (our clan is from all over the world). It's fascinating. I was promoted to leadership some months ago and my specialty is clan data. I loooooove the data work. I collect data, look for patterns, and suggest clan action based on the evidence. It's so much more straightforward than dealing with the players themselves. I let the clan diplomats do that stuff :)

The government shut-down was frustrating for me, but I didn't take any action until SNAP benefits were suspended. Then I got a little angry. Seriously? We're starving people now? I loaded up on groceries and delivered them to small, free food pantries scattered around town. Do you have those in your area? They're like those "Little Free Libraries" but for food. It's just a box or cabinet on a post that people can give and take food from as desired. A couple boxes nearby are sponsored by churches, and one cabinet was put up by my friend in her front yard. A woman happened to be visiting one of these free food pantries when I stopped to restock it. She was shocked and thrilled to get a head of cabbage, some grapes, bananas, carrots, a loaf of bread, and a jar of pasta sauce. She said, "Oh, this is so great. I'm going to leave some for other people."

We've had a couple campfires in the backyard since it's grown colder. I bought a "smokeless" fire pit, hoping it would be an improvement, and it was!! So, so, nice. The wood we harvested from Erin's dead tree is almost half gone. I thought it would need a year to dry out, but it was mostly dead already when we cut it down. It burns quite nicely :) James and I sit out there mostly. He's been toying with the idea of blacksmithing, heating up different kinds of metal in the fire and checking out their properties. I couldn't handle the hammering noise, though, and put an end to it. Sorry, James. Last night, he asked for a gas-powered forge in his bedroom. I said no. He can save that dream discussion for future landlords, roommates, and spouses. 

It's parent-teacher conference time. Matthew is still reading at an eighth grade level and spelling/handwriting/punctuating like a 2nd grader. His teachers are super supportive, though, as we try to get him the right combination of helps. After Matthew failed a writing assignment because it was utterly illegible, they decided to let him type out his future ELA assignments. He's also a slow typist, but at least there will be some spell-check and grammar help! They say he's engaged and thoughtful in class. They like his sense of humor and big imagination. 

James' history, science, and ELA teachers think he's a hoot. They love his comments and thoughtful questions. They like his creativity and semi-crazy ideas. His math and French teachers, however, want to see more from him. No surprise there. At all. His French teacher started off with, "Well, we know that James is James..." I laughed so hard. In short, he needs to work on slowing down and going back to correct his mistakes. 

We stopped at the hardware store today to get more paint for James' room. We'll need to go back to get wall putty. When you buy wall stickers for your children, please be sure they are not the "permanent" type. I didn't even know there WAS a permanent type. Sheesh. It's ripped the top layer off of the drywall. Ridiculously timely learning experience. Ugh. He should be able to repair the wall and finish the sky blue base coat by the end of the weekend. I hope :)

The Kids (and dog)

It's hard to know anymore what I can share on the blog about my older kids' lives. Once they hit middle school, there are events and feelings that affect my life but aren't mine to share. I'll try to walk that line carefully. 

Alex--

Doing really well at college. He's got a solid group of friends, a job, and a variety of classes that he enjoys. We chat on the phone on Sundays and text through the week here and there. He's navigating independent living and adult life. He's coming up to C-U for James' birthday weekend :) James will be turning 13, so they have plans for a PG-13 movie marathon. Thank you to Erin for being willing to host them! That wouldn't go over so well at our house.

Robert--

Working through the high school grind. He's got a solid group of friends, a killer workout routine, and a variety of classes that he tolerates well enough ;) He made a decision this summer to be out of his room more and be more social in general. It was tricky at first, but now that Matthew is generally on a tablet most of the day, the house is quiet and serene. The whole household feels lighter. There's time and opportunity and energy for real conversations. We talk about lots of things theoretical and hypothetical. He tells me about some of his classwork and some of the things that really frustrate him. I'm learning his life rhythm and cadence a little better. He's a genuinely funny and thoughtful guy. I didn't know that last year.

James--

This kid is taking school a little more seriously this year. He has a goal to have zero missing assignments. He's even started using the study hall he has at school to do homework...imagine that! James has a grade goal in mind for math, too. He still hates learning French. Almost as much as he hated learning piano. Speaking of music, James' 7th grade class is putting on a musical, Matilda, Jr., in December. Not only did James audition, but auditioned for a lead. He was assigned the exact role he wanted: The Trunchbull. If you're not familiar with the Roald Dahl story, Matilda is a bright girl that is sent to a horrible school headed by The Trunchbull. The Trunchbull is a very masculine, militant, yelling sort of person with horrible torture chambers and a vindictive rage towards children. Of course James wanted the role! He already knows all the music.

Matthew--

I just wrote about Matthew in the previous post. I wonder what he would write about himself. He would likely tell you about Zelda: Breath of the Wild, or Grounded, or any other video game that piques his interest at the moment. He wants to do gymnastics and work out so he can dress up as Spider Man and look the part. He loves having his own room (Thank you, Alex). 

Nova--

Cute dog. Still calm and patient. Excited to go places and sniff new people, but prefers if they let her approach at her own pace. She discovered squirrels at the dog park and now hovers obsessively at the foot of those trees hoping one will fall out or something. I'm not quite sure what she would do if she ever caught up to a live one. She's not terribly interested in the dead ones we've found. She does hunt crickets and grasshoppers, though, as James learned the other day. He was trying to catch a large grasshopper to save for Alex's bug collection. He finally got a hold of it, but it slipped off the bench and Nova pounced on it immediately. Chomp, crunch, slurp, smack, smack, smack. Then she looked up at James as if to ask, "Got any more?" Well, James was a little upset at first, but then he just stirred up the grass to get more crickets to jump onto the patio where Nova could eat them. She's no good at hunting them in grass. 

Nova comes to the nursing home with me every week to visit a friend. She comes to the boys' therapy appointments and sits with me in the pet-friendly lobby. I take her wherever I feel like I can get away with it. I keep taking her out with me so she gets used to meeting new people. I'd really like for her to be comfortable as a therapy dog. She's well-behaved and curious, quiet and soft. She only stinks when I haven't bathed her in a while :)

Mathew's First Weeks of School

It's only been a month since my last post, but holy moly, it feels like three. Whew.

School life is a huuuuge adjustment for me. 

After an especially difficult weekend with Matthew's anxiety, I've been feeling some of my own physical anxiety symptoms (nausea, fatigue, irritability, irrational thoughts, mental buzzing/whirring in my head, difficulty concentrating). It occurred to me just this morning that if Matthew experiences his anxiety disorder the way I do, he's probably feeling all of those things, too. It gave me a new insight into his behavior. I understand his lack of appetite and inability to do regular life. I understand how easy it is to navigate a problem on a good day and then feel utterly overwhelmed by that same problem on a bad day. I even understand the relief that a stupid video game can bring. In my worst times, I could only lay on the couch and sleep. In the slightly better times, I could lay on the couch and play dumb games on my tablet between exhausted naps. In the slightly better times than that, I could do family history on the computer.

This explains a lot of what seems so unpredictable and intractable with him. 

We had a small miracle this week when Matthew's teacher offered to tutor him once a week after school. I cried. She has no idea how difficult it is for us to get him through homework. She has no idea how difficult it would be for Matthew to be tutored by anyone but her. This was an answer to prayer.

The truth is, when Matthew's having a good moment and he's motivated, he can complete his math homework in a few minutes without a single mistake. In a bad moment, absolutely nothing works. Nothing makes sense. He can't even sit up. He's crying and apologizing that he can't make himself do it. He has to use his fingers to add 1 and 1. He can't multiply 6 times 0. Literally. That happened just this weekend. So, it's not the tutoring he needs, per se, but the right set of circumstances in which to do the work. 

Aaaaand he clearly needs more help managing his anxiety. Gonna call his doctor about that. Again. 

I've found a few other tricks that help Matthew get through the day. He likes the silky feel of dri-fit/athletic/performance fabrics, so I got him several tops and shorts of each. It makes getting dressed for school a world easier. If only church clothes came in athletic fabrics...sigh.

He also does better with a hot breakfast, usually something high carb with chocolate chips: pancakes, waffles, muffins. He won't say no to french toast, a cinnamon roll, or a croissant. And on weekends, we've got to do Dutch Puff/German Pancakes.

Matthew loves his Dungeons and Dragons Club at school. Loves it! He's been DMing his group's most recent adventure and loves how he can shape the story and manage troublemakers with humor. One teammate keeps trying to kill non-player characters like shopkeepers and random citizens on the street. Matthew (and the dice) deal the consequences, and they are never in favor of the rogue teammate. At this moment, the teammate has melted down all of his copper money into bullets but can't find a single blacksmith that will make him a gun. Matthew smiles about this.

Matthew also really likes archery. They're doing an archery unit in PE right now. He misses one PE class a week to attend his dyslexia therapy :( but he plans to join the archery team again when they start up in January. 

Sometimes I wonder if Matthew will ever live independently or find a job that suits his needs. Will he go to college? Will he find someone to love and share his life with? 

I often question my parenting choices with him. Sometimes, a choice feels perfect. Sometimes, it feels like a cop out. Always, though, I end up looking at it from the outside and imagining what others might think about it. I come up with a defensive justification in my head. I imagine turning my shoulder and looking away. I feel alone. I think about all the things he's missing and all the things I'm missing as we work so hard on this particular set of challenges. I think about James, Robert, and Alex. I try to be the mom they need, too. And it gets to me. I tell myself that I'm doing the best with what I've got. I really am. I truly believe that. And yet, I'm still feeling all the hard things. It's still difficult and isolating. 

*sigh*

Then I get up and do it all again the next day. 

It makes sense why I would be developing physical symptoms of anxiety right now. I'm so grateful for the medication and social support that I have in place to keep it from getting much worse. I'm grateful for time. I'm grateful for it every day because that means things don't have to be fixed right now. It means that things don't stay the same, for good or ill. It means that I get to grow and get stronger and learn new things. Time is my friend. We go way back ;)