Marathon

Were it not for Covid-19, today would have been the Illinois Marathon. Bobby and I had signed up to run the 10k together. My first triathlon of the year would have been only a month away. Instead, I made chocolate chocolate chip pancakes for the kids while Bobby slept in and did a strength work out at home. Bobby has bit of a stressful deadline in May so he worked a lot of this morning while the kids and I finished weekly chores and read and entertained ourselves on screens. After lunch, I went to Erin's house to rehearse guitar. Then I went home and Erin had the kids over for a few hours so Bobby and I could get a kid-break (YAY!!). The house was so quiet. Bobby unloaded the dishwasher and spent some time on his computer while I planned next week's menu and grocery list, put together a crock pot chili for dinner, and went for a long, long, walk in the rain. All by myself. I had a goal this week to run and walk a marathon distance over 6 days. After that wet walk this afternoon, I exceeded my goal by 3 whole miles! It helped to have a couple local friends in on my challenge. Carli and Bobby both made goals to run a half marathon over the week and they both did it!! They ran all of their miles, and I ran only 6 of mine (*blush*), but Carli is up for another round so I'll try to get a greater ratio of running miles next week!

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My mom asked about where I was planting all of my fruits and veggies this year. It's quite an extensive list. I expanded the backyard garden significantly this year and developed a couple new garden beds along the north edge of our property. I'll take some pictures if it ever stops raining. My backyard neighbor saw the renovation and jokingly asked, "How many families do you plan to feed with a garden that big?!"

Um...pretty much just mine. If we ended up with extra produce, the original plan was to have Alice sell it as part of her efforts to pay for school. With the Stay-At-Home Order in place until who knows when, it's not looking like she'll be able to run any Kid Camps this summer :( or babysit very much. We may need to get a little more creative with her marketable skills...bake sale? frozen pizza? fresh produce and flowers? homemade freezer jams? Your ideas are welcome!

Anyway, I'm trying to grow all of these veggies on my own property. I'm a pretty lazy farmer. If the garden is further than 10 feet from my door or not in a raised bed (e.g. easy to weed) or dependent on hand-watering, it becomes an overwhelming task and I give up by the end of June. My backyard setup is pretty sweet right now with raised beds and timed irrigation and close proximity to where I spend 99.9% of my time these stay-at-home days. It's a pretty good year to be a backyard farmer ;)

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My dreams have been a little wacky lately. Late last year, I had a close relationship implode. I've had a wide variety of feelings about it, of course, and things are still considerably awkward between me and this person in real life, but every time this person appears in my dreams we are friends and joking around and it's all totally normal. More normal than it ever was even when we were friends in real life. I've been trying to figure out WHY my subconscious keeps bringing this person along and WHY all my mixed up feelings haven't come along with them. Other failed/difficult/awkward relationships I've had in the past tend to recur in my dreams in very negative, shameful, embarrassing ways. Why not in this case? Especially since my real life experience with this person is still pretty painful. I don't get it. I tried to figure it out this week on my solitary walks and quiet time at the farm. No progress so far.

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Alice has been DYING for some new reading material. She's read everything from our personal collections, everything we have from the public library, everything we have from the school library, and everything we've loaned from friends and teachers since quarantine began. She's been reading books online, too, but she's kinda between series right now and craving something fresh. She saw the published hard copies of my blog up in my closet and asked to read those. I raised an eyebrow. I did intend for my kids to read them eventually, but was now the right time? I decided she could read anything up to 5 years ago...2007-2015. She took the whole stack into her room and stayed there for hours. Mostly she has been skimming through and looking at the pictures. She loves the stories about her as a baby and toddler. She loves seeing her brothers as babies again and watching them grow up. Every once in a while, she comes across a story that makes her laugh out loud. This is one of those when Robert was 5 (only days from entering Kindergarten) and James was a couple months from 3:

Excerpt from "Me Wike..."
Wednesday, August 12, 2015

...Every once in a while I think [James] goes deaf:

"Whuss dis, Wobuht?"

"That's a calculator."

"Uh whuh?"

"Calculator."

"Whuh?"

"Cal-cu-la-tor"

"Whuh?"

"CALCULATOR!"

(James is so surprised by the shouting that he reflexively slaps Robert on the face full-force)

(both children run to me wounded and crying)


When Alice and I were reading this together again, we laughed and laughed and laughed. It's amazing to me that 5 years later, Robert's natural impatience and James' intense sensitivity continue to result in impulsive gut reactions and smoldering misunderstandings between them. Just like this one. Every. Single. Day.

*sigh*

Speaking of sighs, Bobby has developed one just like his dad's. Just over the last 6 months or so. It's a pointed sigh...a sign of frustration or disappointment or giving up on something. Sometimes it's just exasperation, though.

In the ground!

Today, I transplanted almost everything I had started from seed some weeks ago:

Giant sunflowers
Bernary's giant zinnias
Calendula (orange)
Corn poppies
German winter thyme
Oregano (Alice calls it ore-GAHN-o, thanks to the GBB)
Basil (again, the British pronunciation)
Cutting celery
Mexican sour gherkin (teeny, round cuke-like fruit that Alice selected)
Tiara cabbage (a smaller, earlier variety)
Celebrity (determinate slicing red)
Big Beef tomatoes (indeterminate slicing red)
Sun Gold tomatoes (indeterminate yellow cherry, pretty much the best tomato EVER)
Bristol cucumbers (disease resistant!)
Marketmore 76 cucumbers (disease-resistant!)
Olympian cucumbers (long, thin-skinned, seedless English variety)
Partenon zucchini (just 2)

And we can't forget the seeds the kids planted:
Matthew: not the slightest bit interested
James: rainbow carrots and chickpeas
Robert: watermelon
Alice: tomatoes, bush beans, and chamomile

And I ought not to forget the white potatoes and onion starts I impulse-bought at the farm store *blush*

Nor the snap peas, swiss chard, spinach, orange carrots, and beets that I planted a couple weeks ago.

Nor the 150 strawberry (strawbebby! tee hee hee!) plants in my fridge waiting for some garden space...any day now...I'll make up my mind about where...

Nor the other seeds I planted a while ago that just need a little more time before transplant: husk cherry, parsley, tomatillo, lunchbox peppers, and Carmen sweet peppers (pretty much the best sweet pepper EVER).

And I still want to plant pole beans and juuuuust a few red okra.

It's a bit ridiculous. I'm almost ready to admit I have a problem...

...yeah...not enough farm land ;)

My native plant specialist neighbor has offered me any number of sun-loving flower plants to bedeck my yard and attract native pollinators. He's really, really, REALLY into native pollinators. When the university greenhouses shut down due to the governor's order to stay at home, he brought home 4-6 flats of baby plants. I'm keeping them healthy with my grow lights until all danger of frost passes. I asked him about which ones would do the best along my split-rail fence. He got a smile on his face and started listing off the plants by their genus and/or "common" name that I had never heard of before (what's rattlesnake tamer?!), letting me know how tall they got and whatnot. The best part was seeing his eyes light up when he said, "Oh, the bees LOVE this one," or something like, "This will have bees all over it!"

Ah, I see...then the garden bed by the kids' club house is a terrible idea...and they can't go in any areas frequented by Matthew or James or Robert who will run away screaming like a banshee at the slightest buzz-like sound. Truly. Not one of them has ever been stung by a bee. Maybe that's part of their terror. Hm.

A few pictures from our recent adventures in isolation:

Photo op under a willow tree at Colbert Park. The wind was SO stinking cold.

Alice made a rice krispy treat in the shape of Covid-19. It was delicious.

Fun with giant bubbles. Thanks to Matthew's preschool teacher for a recipe that used stuff we already had on-hand!

This is one of James' writing assignments from last week. He had to explain why he'd rather be a jungle explorer or a sea explorer. It's a bit harsh to call scurvy "disgusting", but I agree with him about the beard ;)

I was putting groceries away in our chest freezer and rediscovered some water balloons Alice had frozen for Spring Break Kid Camp. They didn't work out for the camp, but my kids certainly had fun with them this week. So much smashing.

Another writing assignment of James': write a letter to his teacher describing how he's feeling, what he's done in quarantine, what he's looking forward to, and whether he likes school at home. James really, really, really hates writing homework. This little note took 2 HOURS! All the lines and coloring were done before he wrote a single word.

James' Fairy Mansion! I finally got a picture of it. The picture is already out of date, though, because he added a clay slide and adventure cave this afternoon. No fairies have moved in yet. He's thinking there just might not be many fairies looking for a new place to live right now because who on earth could pass up such luxurious digs as this?!

Robert has decided to use his money to buy a(nother) pet. He already has a chicken but, "it's not the same!" Of course not ;) He has his heart set on a crested gecko. He's done all kinds of research about the animal and its care and everything he'll need to create a healthy, stimulating environment for his exotic arborial reptile...amphibian? Pretty sure it's a reptile. And these animals typically live for 10-15 years, ladies and gentlemen! I'm taking bets on whether Robert will shuttle it to college or find someone at home just dying to take on the cost and responsibility of yet another living animal (e.g. James).

Dream

In my dream last night, I was at the YMCA. There were people exercising in classes and swimming in the pool. They looked so happy! I was kinda confused. Weren't we all supposed to be staying at home? I asked a staff member and they said the Y had reopened! I was so happy that I started to cry right then and there.

So, I like exercising at the Y, and I like the people in my classes at the Y, but I don't think this dream was about the Y. I think it was about what the Y means to me...and how much I miss certain aspects of my life B.C. (before Covid-19).

I started going to the Y soon after James started preschool...Jan/Feb 2016. Matthew, having just turned 1, tolerated the child care really well. I had weaned my last child! This was the beginning of a new chapter. Over the last 4 years, my relationship with the Y hasn't always been steady, but it's been a reliable kid-free space to do something good for myself. I build skills, enjoy casual adult conversations, and measure progress towards goals!

*sigh*

I miss that safe space I could count on.

I miss my triathlon races...they've all been cancelled this summer.

I miss feeling strong.

I miss interacting with adults outside my home.

I miss being proud of myself.

Bobby and Erin have worked hard to give me the "me time" I need to endure isolation well. That has been a blessing.

And now that we have something of a routine with the kids, I'm enjoying the flexibility and closeness that comes with having no where else to go.

When I took part in a worldwide fast to pray for relief from the Covid-19 pandemic, I didn't expect an instant vaccine or miraculous implosion of the virus. I decided that I would look for God's hand in whatever came next. And what came next was a series of small mercies that made this whole experience a little less difficult for me. First, I felt a greater desire to follow the guidelines put out by public health officials and researchers. My itch to rebel was tamed. Second, I learned to use my precious "me time" to the fullest. Third, our new schedule started feeling predictable, almost routine, which meant a lot less resistance from the kids and a lot more realistic expectations from the parents. Fourth, my weirdness on camera has dissipated a bit so I can enjoy "face-to-face" communication with people outside my home again (I do need people. Even if the vast majority of them terrify me.)

It's not perfect. It's still not "normal". I would still sob tears of joy if I could freely go to the Y again. Or the library. Or my friend's house. I don't miss my responsibilities at church that much yet...but soon...I'm sure...

Outside

I spent most of the day outside Saturday. I finished some indoor chores in the morning, then went straight to work bagging up leaves and vegetative bits for the city to pick up on Monday. I stopped counting after 12 bags. James was a GREAT companion for this task. Never mind that he was barefoot and still in his pajamas and avoiding his weekly chores indoors *eye roll*. I didn't worry too much about it because James prefers to rush through all of his chores at the last moment anyway. And if he was outside having fun with me, at least he wasn't inside driving siblings up the wall while they tried to complete their chores :)

James built a fairy house.Well, it's more like a fairy mansion now: luxurious hut, a party house nearby, and a play space down below for kid fairies. He added a food garden and a tree for shade...the very tree I had just dug out from under our fence. He anticipates a fairy will move in any day now.

Matthew kept me company while I prepped a new flower bed. He was telling me a secret about his super powers. He said he used to have all the superpowers over every element. Then he lost all but one: the power of friendship. He says it comes in handy with his best friend, K, and it's one of the strongest super powers out there. Now he's searching for the crystals that will give him more superpowers. A master of the darkness has created monsters to hoard the crystals and try and stop him, but he just tells the monsters the truth: "I'm the master of light and I can destroy all the darkness and darkness monsters. I don't want to hurt you, I just want the superpowers, and then when I have them, I'll share them with you!" And he means it. Then they will become light monsters and be happy and be his friends.

As I stuffed lawn bags, Robert mowed the lawn. It was the first mowing of the season, so he was a little nervous at first, but 30 seconds into it he was laughing and amazed at how much this particular task had become a habit for him. He didn't even have to think very hard about it, he said.

I think I got a bit of a sunburn.

As I dug up weeds, James would discover worms. He rushed over to the chicken pen and dropped them in, keeping careful watch to see which hen got it each time.

What did Alice do all day? I don't think she came outside. She probably read in her room after finishing her chores. Yeah. That sounds about normal ;)

Grouchy Lady

There's a grouchy lady in my head. She started coming by a few months ago. She notices housekeeping tasks that fall below her expectations and says things like, "disgusting", "I don't know how you can live like this", and "ew." She tsks loudly or rolls her eyes when I make a parenting choice that she disagrees with. Sometimes her lips draw into a tight line and her eyes seethe with disapproval...that's her being polite. She has a real voice. She has a real face. Sometimes her pointed deep sighs and subtle head shaking spur me to action. Sometimes I take great pleasure in upsetting her. She's not real, but the things I feel in response to her "actions" are very, very real.

Why did she suddenly show up? I have my theories. The big question is, though, what do I do with her now that she's here?

I was reading a New York Times article on how to cope with the stress of the Covid-19 pandemic. It had anxiety in the title, so I read it for me and I read it for Alice. There wasn't anything in the article that I wasn't already working on, but something stuck out in particular. The author was describing her own struggle with persistent anxious thoughts and said things got a little more manageable when she named her anxiety "Carl." When anxiety started welling up, she'd say what it was out loud and give the credit to Carl, "Carl says I can't go for a hike because a bear might attack me." Just putting that little bit of distance between herself and her anxiety helped her take back some control. "Carl, you're being completely irrational."

The grouchy lady in my head, therefore, is now named Eugenia. I'm sorry if that's the name of someone you love. I named her after Eugenia Lincoln in the children's book series Mercy Watson, written by Kate DiCamillo. Thanks, Alyssa, for introducing me to that series so long ago!

Eugenia thought the toilets looked and smelled disgusting today. I agreed with her. I scrubbed them. I was sweeping all the floors later and Eugenia said, "If this were my house, I would mop up that crusty stripe of strawberry pie goo. How long has that been there anyway?!" I smiled at her and said, "Nah, not today. I'm completely satisfied with a swept floor."

The first sleep-out of the year. Yes, the boys have made their bed in the wheelbarrow. Long story short, James and Robert were the only ones who managed to stay out there all night.

One of James' school-at-home assignments was to list 10 things you should always have at home. His response: PS4 (the Play Station 4 that Erin loaned us), couch, me, Mom, Dad, Alice, Robert, Matthew, food, and water. Always? James, please, this stay-at-home thing cannot be forever. Please no.

James learning to use the power drill as a screwdriver. He helped me disassemble the old garden beds. Matthew was in charge of sorting the screws after they came out.

This was taken on a recent "sanity walk" to the U of I Arboretum. There's a bench with a sign declaring it as a great place to take a picture. James insisted :)