Personal Revelation

So, um, the end of that last post was kind of ominous. I've been in a bit of a funk, lately, trying to make this mother-of-two thing work. Feeling overwhelmed. Feeling tired. Feeling that two kids was as much as I could ever handle and it would be irresponsible of me as a human being to have any other children because adding one more needy, sleepless dimension to my life would put me over the edge and destroy any hope of being a good mother.

Dramatic? Perhaps a little.

Then, acting on the advice of my dear husband (and countless others throughout my life) to pray about it, something changed. It was an answer. Instead of trying to convince myself and God why I shouldn't have any more children, maybe I should focus on enjoying the two kids I actually have. "Oh yeah. Maybe I should." It was a loving sort of chastisement, and now I had another series of questions to ponder: What do I enjoy about each child? In which situations do I feel the most stress? I used to love this motherhood thing...what happened? How can I create more of those moments of enjoyment and mellow out during the stressful ones?

The timing worked out great, actually, because we were heading to the temple the next day. I had 3 hours in the car with Bobby to chat it out and brainstorm solutions. Alice played almost entirely by herself the whole time and Robert slept blissfully. That alone was a miracle, and the only reason Bobby and I could chat things out so well.

(Side note: I think this blog has helped me in several ways. One of the most powerful ways being a connection with grandparents, family, and friends who tend to pray for us when we're struggling. Those prayers work, by the way, and produce miracles like a 3-hour conversation with my spouse.)

I realized that most of my parental anxiety centers around Robert. My boy. The new one I keep trying to fit in and figure out. His needs are constantly changing, despite being so simple. He doesn't have the skill to express himself in the few moments I can devote to him at a time. It's gnawing at me that I don't know him as well as I want to.

So, I pondered it some more and received/found/felt another answer: Spend more time with Robert doing the things he likes, whether or not I actually enjoy that activity. I groaned. The boy is an insatiable finger-walker. I envisioned hours hunched over helping him toddle around our house. Then I remembered how much he likes a good bath, too. I could throw a few extra baths into the week just for fun. Robert also likes wrestling, crazy kid, and I actually like a little physical play now and then. Actually, I just like making the kid laugh.

It's been a few days of this new focus and I've noticed a complete turnaround. He's still waking up several times a night for...no...blasted...reason...ARGH! I'm still exhausted most of the day *yawn*, but I love the boy again. You know why it works for me? Because my love language of choice is quality time. My time with him IS my growing love for him. And now I know him better. And like him more. And feel less parental guilt for somehow failing him as a mom before he's 1 year old.

So what did I have to give up to spend all this quality time with Robert? Surprisingly little. I spend less time on the computer checking email. My games with Alice just have to be flexible enough to include random movement from room to room with Robert's finger-walking. And maybe it's just coincidence, but Robert's happier, too, so he seems more flexible with other people's schedules and circumstances.

This mom-of-two thing is still harder than anything I've done before, but I like it again :)