Evans Family Visits

We were lucky last week to get visits from two Evans families we really love. First, we got a visit from Bobby's younger brother Bill and his family. Then, a couple days later, we got to spend time with Bobby's parents, Bob and Loretta.

Bill's family arrived in the early afternoon. We sat on the back patio and chatted while I grilled dinner. We don't catch up with those guys nearly enough! Even Matthew came out for a while to talk. We missed Will, but Lukas and Kayla became loud and crazy halfway through dinner. Just like old times. Seriously, those two have some sort of connection. The Evanses were only able to stay a few hours before getting back in the car and finishing their road trip to Louisville, KY, for Bill's graduation. 

A couple days later, Bob and Loretta stopped in Chambana on their way home to Idaho after Bill's graduation. It was really, really hot by the time they came, so we couldn't spend much time outside. We talked for a while inside. James and I gave them a tour of the garden. They helped me prep and freeze piles of greens from my garden. It was a huge relief to have all of those veggies processed. I really wouldn't have gotten around to it without the extra help. 

Bob and Loretta offered to take our family out to dinner that night. True to form, our family didn't disappoint. Matthew was too anxious to attend, Robert found nothing on the menu he could eat, and Lukas kept the conversation going the whole time. Ha ha ha! Welcome to our house. Bob and Loretta seemed to take it well. 

That night didn't go too well for Matthew, though. The next day was Fast Sunday and Matthew needed the sleep, so I stayed home with the younger boys during Sacrament Meeting. Bob and Loretta sat in the chapel with Bobby and Robert. I was able to slip in to Sunday School a little later, but there weren't any seats by those guys, so I sat alone. The lesson was about Ruth, Naomi, and Hannah. I struggled to stay engaged. Sunday School is often a struggle for me *sigh*

After church, Bob and Loretta came over to our house. Robert stayed in his room the whole time (Fast Sunday is really, really hard for him and it's kinda best for everyone if he stays in his room). Matthew was too anxious to spend much time out of his room. I didn't feel chatty. I was exhausted. So, I kinda forced the adults into doing a puzzle. Ha ha ha! Poor Bob and Loretta and Bobby. I had no idea it was such a TERRIBLE puzzle. My apologies.

I got James to make vegan chocolate ice cream. 

Lukas and James wanted to fix bikes that afternoon, so I went out to the garage with them. It's kinda funny. They say they want to work on bikes with me, but the truth is they want to feel like they're working on bikes with me. They don't actually follow my checklists or do the fussy/challenging jobs. They don't like to work on the same bike at the same time, either, and they want to do the work while seated with a fan blowing on them and a cold drink nearby. Ha ha ha! I found myself bouncing back and forth between bikes coming up with tasks for each of them to do. In the hot, hot garage. When I hadn't eaten or drunk anything since dinner the night before. I got a little grumpy. Even so, the three of us managed to get four bikes most of the way done. I only had a little work to do the next morning before taking the bikes back to Salt and Light. That made me happy. 

After working on bikes, I went inside and made dinner a little grumpily. Dinner turned out fine, though. It was awesome having extra adult hands to help. The chocolate "ice cream" turned out alright. It was a pretty straightforward day, but I just wanted a nap.

I wish I could have been in a better frame of mind for Bob and Loretta's visit. They brought me Milano cookies from their travels, which was quite thoughtful. Bob, Loretta, the Pepperidge Farms Outlet Store, and I go way back. Way, way back. Almost as far as Bob, Loretta, Dreamsicles, and I go back. 

We will get to see them again at the end of July for the Evans Family Reunion in Branson, MO. Yay!

Robert Moments

It's late Tuesday night after a long day. Robert and James are busily packing for Youth Conference the next day. It's a big packing job: clothes, toiletries, church clothes, extra shoes, linens and bedding, a bag for the long bus rides, etc. They need things that we don't normally pack for short trips: bug spray, sunscreen, shower shoes, hat, shampoo and conditioner. They need to be responsible for things they don't usually think about: medications. Neither of them know where any of this stuff is, and we're scrambling to find viable substitutes for the things we don't have. 

Robert has very particular needs/concerns for these things. His OCD is well-managed, but he's still a pretty particular guy. Shower shoes are a struggle. This option won't do at all, this option doesn't look right, this option is dirty and will take too long to clean. His bedding needs to be lightweight and compactable, no characters, no loud colors or non-traditional patterns, and definitely not that, that, or that. None of the options at-hand will do. He's frustrated. I'm frustrated. He eventually gives up on asking me for ideas. He happens upon our stash of dog blankets and says, "This is exactly the sort of thing I was looking for! Why didn't you suggest any of these blankets?!"

Um, okay.

Once the kerfuffle settles down and both guys are packed, I send James to the shower. Robert tells me that he recognizes the strain that his particular needs tend to put on me. He can tell that I'm all wound up. He tells me that it would make him feel better to explain why things happened that night the way they did, why he got so frustrated with me, and what I could do in the future to avoid so much frustration. Then he tells me that he wants to do what would make me feel better instead. He offers to massage my shoulders and work out a few knots in my back. I always have knots *sigh* and I gratefully welcome the relief. 

This isn't the first time Robert has chosen my comfort over his own. He admits that he likes doing things for me that no one else can do. For example, getting out my knots. Or making those chocolate covered peanut butter discs. Or caring for Matthew in *just* the right way, remembering all the ins and outs, managing to do the bedtime routine without a triggering hitch. Or driving people somewhere when I've got to finish something at home. I really, really appreciate that. Every time. 

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Something else interesting about Robert...he doesn't mind risk. As a 16-year-old, there are still a few restrictions on his license to drive. There's a curfew, for one, and a limit on the number of people under 21 that he's allowed to transport. Breaking these rules will result in a ticket for him AND for all of his underage passengers. It will also extend the length of time he will be under these restrictions. We all recognize why these restrictions are in place. We also know that they're pretty difficult to enforce unless a teenager is pulled over for some other reason first. Well, Robert is doing the math. He figures that as long as his passengers are fully aware of and compliant with the risk they're taking by breaking any of these rules with him, then he's good to go.

I find this aspect of Robert's personality fascinating. He's a rule keeper until he decides that the reasoning for the rule doesn't apply to him. He's very logical about it, too. It's a calculated risk. No hint of rash, emotional decision making. If caught, he will accept the full consequences of breaking the rule as if it were a simple transaction. 

He asked me what I thought about his reasoning. I laughed. On the surface, I wanted him to follow the restrictions just because they were there. It seemed a matter of integrity, right? Deep down, I knew it was a bet worth making...he's a very responsible driver, he has money to pay the fine, and it's his own driving record at risk here. I told him that. 

We'll have to see what he decides to do in practice.

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After Youth Conference, a few of the youth were asked to share a brief testimony about their experience in church. Robert was one of them. He confessed that the church history facts and names all started to blur together after the sixth house tour, but he was touched by the realization that the gospel is a community. They had to rely on each other back then, and we rely on each other now. He felt connected to all the youth and leaders in a new way.

I found that interesting. Robert is the only member of the church in his entire high school. Youth Conference and FSY must feel like a foreign country to him. I'm grateful he came away with a greater sense of connection.

James Moments

Summer has given me a lot more time with James. He's my buddy. He's always up for running errands, working on bikes, or puttering in the garden. He's got several projects going this year:

Giant pumpkins! He's got 31 pumpkin plants growing on various parts of our property. One third of them are the Atlantic Giant variety, and two thirds came from a 40-pound pumpkin we purchased from Negangard Pumpkin Patch last fall. Some of the vines are already 10 feet long. We've had several moments already where I feel better connected to James. One of his Atlantic Giants isn't doing so well. He considers them his children, so he was pretty sad about it. We had a moment where we could chat about disappointment being a normal part of growing crops...growing problems, insect damage, disease...but farmers plan for that by planting extra. Resilience is part of the game. He felt significantly better after that. James is also growing a purple variety of broccoli, which gave him his first harvest yesterday. We've been incredibly lucky so far with our brassicas. 

Mmmmm, purple broccoli. Will he actually eat any of it? 

Schwinn Stingray Chopper Bike. There's a non-profit, co-op bike shop in Urbana called The Bike Project. I go there sometimes to buy used parts, and I've persuaded them to donate a few dozen bikes to Salt and Light over the years. Anyway, it's a shop where you can work on your own bike, or get help refurbishing one of theirs. If you do the work and pay for the parts, you get to keep the refurbished bike in the end. James has come with me a few times for parts. A couple weeks ago, he spotted a bike that he simply HAD to have. He couldn't stop thinking about it, or worrying that someone else would claim it before he could. Lucky for him, it was still available the next time we could get there. He's been fixing it up with help from me. We just *barely* finished all the repairs at closing time last night. Unfortunately, it was too late to get a final safety inspection, so he didn't get to take it home. Yet. 

Emotional Regulation. James' anxiety plus puberty has made for some volatile moments. His paralytic episodes are no fun. Thanks to some advice from my parents and siblings, though, I've modified my reactions to encourage more talking on his part and more listening on my part. That's been a real help. In fact, just a couple of days ago, several things happened all at once and James instantly shut down paralyzed. He was clearly distressed, couldn't form words, and screamed whenever we asked him questions or tried to reassure him. He eventually clambored back to his room and slammed the door. Maybe 20 minutes later, he came out of his room looking completely normal. He verbalized his concern in a totally normal voice in a couple of sentences, and we were able to resolve the issue that triggered the paralysis. Done. That is progress, my friends! 

Church engagement. One of James' goals this summer is to attend Sacrament Meeting in the chapel every week and/or go to the mid-week youth activities. Prior to this goal, he would attend church in the car via zoom and come in to the foyer only during the sacrament itself. He's done really well with this, and his goal has pushed him a little, but he's proud of himself. In addition, he attended our stake youth conference last week. All the youth were bussed 7 hours to Kirtland, OH, for 2 days of church history tours and spiritual activities, then bussed 7 hours back. Robert and James were pretty tired when I picked them up. On the drive home from the church, James said begrudgingly, "I did NOT enjoy that physically, socially, or emotionally, but it was a good spiritual experience. Now my testimony is stronger and I know a lot more about our church and the gospel." Later, the bishop told me how James had born his testimony at a meeting in the Kirtland temple. James, like Matthew, hasn't attended any second hour classes at church for almost a year. 

I made him take this picture with this frog. Not sure why. We were on our road trip. This is a Panera restaurant that we stopped at for lunch.

James took this picture of his favorite sibling.

Moments with Matthew

One of Matthew's goals this summer is to do something social with friends every week. A sub-goal that I forced onto him *cough* was that he would get out of the house, or engage with people from outside of our home, at least once a day. We're three weeks into summer, and it's going pretty well. It goes ESPECIALLY well when Matthew gets together with his friends. He just lights up, and he's happy the rest of the day. 

• One Monday, we met up with a friend at Elevate, an indoor trampoline park. I can't describe how relieved and happy it made me feel to see him act so...normal...running around, joking, conversing back and forth. No anxiety. Not one trigger. I got to chat a little with his friend's mom about school and work and such. After two hours at the trampoline park, I needed some time to myself. Matthew, however, was animated and happy for hours. Still no anxiety.

• The very next day, we met up with another friend at the bowling alley. It was Matthew, me, Lukas, James, Matthew's friend, and his friend's mom. I haven't had that much fun in a long time. It helped a TON that both Lukas and the other mom were the type who could easily chat and get along with anyone. The other mom called herself a "golden retriever personality." I had to look that up, "Golden Retrievers are considerate, good-natured and strong team players. They’re naturally kindhearted and love helping, serving and looking for ways to come alongside others." (Source: Focus on the Family website). It doesn't hurt that these two people are also extroverted. Everyone felt at ease. The interesting, lively conversation never stopped. Matthew, again, was rejuvenated and happy. He was happy! Completely unbothered by anything. 
• He's taken the goal and sub-goal really well. Sometimes, he'll even ask to go out and about unprompted. We've made trips to the library, had people over, run errands together, gone to appointments, visited goats, and taken a road trip. It's good for all of us.

Maybe these moments don't sound notable to you. And, if things go well, they might not sound notable to me in 10 years, either, but living with Matthew these days carries a considerable weight. I'm always on alert for triggers, always curating my words and calculating how much emotion to show, debating how much to push him, keeping track of when he last ate or showered or took his meds, carefully planning opportunities for him to engage with the world outside our home, and trying not to be disappointed when he just can't do this/that/the other thing that day. Moments of apparent normalcy give me a little relief. 

Goofing around in the dentist's waiting room

Swimming at the Stucki's pool

Love the pool!

Ringing Rocks County Park, Upper Black Eddy, PA

Intrepid explorer

Short hike to the rock field. I love these guys.

Mercer Museum, Doylestown, PA. This was an interesting place. We found all the scavenger hunt stamps.

Look at us! Evanses eating dinner at a Bob Evans restaurant.

Fonthill Castle, Doylestown, PA. The home of an eccentric billionaire historian collector tile maker.

The Virginia Theater in downtown Champaign. We came to this show with Lukas to see some kids from church perform. It was surprisingly fun.

A Lesson About Matthew

Robert and James left for Youth Conference this morning. They'll be spending the next couple of days in Kirtland, Ohio. Once Bobby left for work, it was just me and Matthew at home. I went to the gym with Erin, took Matthew to therapy, made lunch for the two of us, then we headed out to run some errands. Matthew was in a pretty good mood all day, except, he had a low point. We were driving to our next destination and Matthew tried to whistle. He couldn't get any sound to come out. He has tried to whistle off and on for years. No luck. Then he tried rolling his R's and remembered how hard that is for him, too. Last semester in Spanish class, he FINALLY got his tongue to cooperate, but it takes a lot of effort and doesn't produce much sound. It's not anything he could use in a real word, anyway.

That's when he got sad. He said that everyone he knows can do one or both of those things without trying very hard at all. He said that's what it feels like in a LOT of things. He hasn't found a single thing that he's good at without having to work harder than everyone else at it. Then he slumped down in his seat and asked to go home. He said he was feeling stressed. These thoughts had triggered his anxiety.

I then remembered something from this morning. Matthew woke up frustrated and angry. He said he had just had a nightmare where he was winning a race, but eventually came in dead last. 

Being behind/last is one of Matthew's nightmares. I finally made the connection! He's always catching up in some form every day of his life...

--Baby of the family, the last to reach every milestone

--Spelling, multiplication, and multi-step projects take 100x longer for him than for other kids in his class

--Anxiety causes him to miss out on church functions and social events, so he never really knows what's going on

I assured him that he needs more time than the other kids but he's just as capable as them. Taking more time won't make any difference in the end. He has everything he needs to be successful in life.

He wasn't comforted. It still feels like constantly catching up. 

Thankfully, we had three more stops before we were done with our errands. Matthew didn't feel like going into the first store with me, but by the time I got back, he was giggling and doing something sneaky with my phone. 

(He had set a reminder every year that contained a bucket load of unicorns, rainbows, and other such froofiness. Goofy kid.)

Next, we dropped off a bike and picked up two more from Salt and Light. I love it when there are bikes to pick up!

Our last stop was the grocery store. It was hot today. Crazy hot. Mid-90s and humid. UGH! I wanted something cold and sweet and Matthew readily agreed. Better yet, we wouldn't have to share any of it with Robert or James! So, we picked out a few frozen treats (and a package of cinnamon rolls from the bakery *cough*) and took them home. Matthew spent the rest of the day in a great mood.

Y'know, car rides have created the most remarkable opportunities for real conversations with my kids. Each one. Yesterday, with James, we talked about something that has been really hard for him/us. He spoke candidly and we made a plan together. As we walked away from the car, he said he was really glad that he could talk to me about things that he couldn't talk to other people about. 

I was glad to get this peek into Matthew's mind today. Unfortunately, I don't have any answers for him. I don't know what it's like to struggle with spelling, math facts, and his degree of anxiety. I wish I could give him a broader perspective, though, and the faith I have that his work will be rewarded. These last couple of decades have changed my feelings about work. You do the work that creates the outcomes you care about. Nothing is achieved without work, and 99% of work is inconvenient, tedious, and taxing in some way. Eventually, though, you create what you were working towards: a beautiful garden, greater faith in God, 2500 miles of bike rides across the country, meaningful relationships with people I love, a strong body, and a new skill or two.

I'm rooting for you, Matthew!

The Next 10 Years

I've been giving considerable thought to the next 10 years of my life. The kids are older now, their needs continue to evolve, and my day-to-day role in their lives grows ever more unpredictable as they take greater control of their own future. And I love seeing them grow like this! I have no idea how much or in what ways my kids may need me once they move out, but I have complete confidence in their ability to navigate adulthood. I look forward to seeing what they do with their time and talents.  

Now, what am I to do with my own time and talents over the next 10 years? It's an especially pressing matter at this moment because I'm on track to finish my 50-50-50 cycling goal this December. 

I've decided to let my future mission application guide my current time and energy choices. Like I'm building a resume. What sorts of skills am I excited to offer in service to others, and how much experience do I want in each of those skills before I apply?

For example, I have 24 years experience in vegetable gardening, but only 2 seasons experience in larger scale farming. I'd like to get that up to at least 5 seasons. 

I have 1 year professional experience in bicycle repair, and this is my 3rd year refurbishing bikes for a local charity (over 100 bikes done so far!). I'd like to get more professional training. There are a couple of 6-week bike mechanic courses in the country that offer certification. There's also an opportunity for me to work in partnership with a small bike shop in town. I may be able to coordinate a bike repair clinic in the local charity I'm working with.

I have 4 years of French language training from high school, and 2 years of Spanish on Duolingo. I'd really like to take college Spanish language courses so I get more proficient in speaking and writing it. And since learning a language is more motivating when I have a purpose, I'm looking into Medical Translation Certification. That requires at least 24 credit hours of Spanish courses. That will take a few years.

And I'd like to take courses in Residential Electrical work. 

And stay physically active.

And maintain a healthy weight.

Another important element to this series of goals is spiritual preparation. It occurred to me just this week that I might benefit from praying about which talents and skills to work on. In prayer, I gushed about all of my neato ideas and felt like that was all well and good. Whew. Then I calmed down and listened a little. It was the strangest thing that happened next. I literally felt in my heart a growing desire to minister to others. Like, not the guilt-driven feeling, but an actual want in me. It's not something I have felt before, even with all of my trying to love ministering. This felt very much like a literal, physical softening of my heart, and with it came a self-assurance that I could minister to others from a place of love, not fear or obligation or whatever else was holding me back. That feeling carried over as I took my family to church. I saw several people at church that I hadn't seen there before, and genuinely enjoyed saying hello to them and making a little conversation. 

Mind. Blown.

The feeling is now gone, but the memory of the feeling remains. That means it's time to act. So, okay, I'll work on ministering more, too ;) 

And I'm open to any further suggestions you might have. I would love to hear what you think is something worth putting on a mission application!

Grind to the end

This was written early-May, but only published today.

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It's the last few weeks of the school year and we're all feeling it...

Lukas is slogging through finals week, packing up his dorm, and getting ready for his job as a Summer Camp Counselor at the Anita Purves Nature Center. We pick him up this Saturday!

Robert is swamped with coursework and studying for AP exams. He's not sure his independent study of BC Calc this year will pay off. He says he didn't sign up for the test to get anything short of the highest score (5/5). That anything less than that would be a waste. He's also had a string of health issues one right after the other...sprained ankle, crazy seasonal allergies, ear infection, nasty cold, and now virus-induced asthma. Last night, he told me that he feels an immense drive (compulsion?) to develop his full potential or else it's all wasted. He berates himself for his lack of discipline, which makes me laugh, because that kid has more self-awareness and drive than any of us. He decides to do something and then makes it happen. He says it's probably the OCD in him, but he feels like he doesn't have the will power on his own to be/do/achieve all the right/ideal/perfect things. He wants someone else to force him to do the things he knows he should do. He even wishes AI could choose the perfect music for whatever mood he's in because music selection takes more time/effort/perfection than he wants to invest. That's some serious perfectionism. He recognizes that it's harder this way. The struggle itself tends to ebb and flow.

Some great things have happened lately, too. Robert turned 16! He finished his practice driving hours and can now get a license. He's built a really great relationship with Matthew. He did it deliberately, for a specific purpose, and it's gone splendidly. Anyone else see a certain level of discipline, self-awareness, and drive in this kid? 

James' moods have been more volatile lately. He pretty much oscillates between pestering us and feeling emotionally devastated. He, Matthew, and I were watching a movie together, and Matthew and I were really into it. James finds the serious parts of movies pretty unbearable and made a move to fast-forward one part. I said no. Matthew said no. James smiled and laughed and pulled his hand away. Funny joke, right? Well, he did it again for the next serious part. We said no a little louder, with furrowed brows. I told him the next time he did that, he'd be excused. Then he did it AGAIN during an especially important part of the story and I got angry. Matthew got angry. I snapped at James, "Stop! That's not okay!" James instantly wilted, completely hurt, and slinked off to his room. A few minutes later, I heard him making distressed noises and knocking things into his walls. When the movie ended a few minutes later, I was torn between going to chat with him and just letting the consequences speak for themselves. I went to invite him to family scripture study and prayer. He declined. After prayer, I went back to talk with him. He was totally crushed. We didn't really resolve anything in that chat, but at least he didn't feel ignored. 

The very next day, as we were getting in the car for school, he and Matthew were chucking a half-filled water bottle at each other in some sort of playful consternation game. At one point, Matthew said he'd had enough. When I turned on the car, Matthew suddenly imagined the water bottle distracting the driver (me) and us getting into a horrible crash and burning to death. He said so. James playfully waggled the water bottle in Matthew's direction as if he were going to toss it to him again. Matthew and I both said no. Matthew didn't want to play anymore. It was really freaking him out. I backed out of the driveway and started to move forward when James got a mischievous grin and threw the water bottle over his head towards Matthew. Matthew screamed in angry frustration. I yelled, "Stop!" in a pretty terse tone, then I hit the brakes. I turned to James and said, "This is why we yell at you! We ask you to stop again and again and you don't stop!" He wilted instantly. Then I took it too far, in a much calmer but clearly exasperated tone, "Would it be better if I just started with the yelling part??" James sank even lower into his seat. Matthew, miraculously, took this emotional upheaval in stride and got off to school just fine. James, however, grew more and more agitated as we drove to school. He made distressed sounds, hung his head, and writhed in his seat more and more. If I tried to ask him about it, he got worse. In the end, he stormed out of the car and slammed the door behind him. 

The tendency to take things too far is not surprising. James likes to tease and laugh with people through pushing those kinds of boundaries. Maliciously or innocently, James also likes to try new things without asking, especially if it's in the gray zone of "allowed." That approach can really pay off..."Oh, I thought that rule only applied when XYZ. Oh well, I'll know for next time." It kinda stresses me out. I've had recurring nightmares for years where James ignores my rules and my pleas. I ask him to stop repeatedly in bigger and louder ways and he doesn't stop, even when it's for his own safety. I often wake up from those dreams in tears. 

The hard feelings around the movie and the water bottle have since dissolved, but the emotional roller coaster undercurrent remains. I can chalk some of it up to adolescent hormones (Robert got really volatile at this age), some to the reality of living with anxiety/depression, and some to the fact that Matthew doing better means the other kids finally feel safe sharing some of their own struggles. 

James is doing really well with his personal goals. He works and works on them, even when he doesn't want to. He cannot wait for school to end. He knows he'll be bored over the summer, but he also knows we've got several things planned to break up the boredom a bit.

Matthew is feeling more stress as year-end assignments and projects come due, but he's also coping pretty well. Really well, actually, compared to what it was only a couple months ago. He decided that he would like to try and do homework again. He asked to do it at the library so he could keep his "school mode" on and delay his "home mode". We've done that a couple times already and it's been REALLY successful. Unbelievable, to be honest. I had pretty much given up on homework at home before this. 

As for me, this is the first May in a long time that I'm not dreading the last day of school. Kinda weird. I'm trying to parse out why, but it's not coming easily. I've recently made HUGE progress on my bike refurbishing goal. I've had energy to serve at church and in my community. My garden is underway. The chickens are much, much larger and Nova seems less intent on murdering them. With Erin, I get out to exercise regularly. For my church calling, the hardest part of the year is over and now there's a lull through the summer months. By the end of this calendar year, I'll be done with my 50 states cycling goal. At that point, it's just 7 years until Matthew graduates from high school and we go on our first mission for the church. So, my goals for those 7 years will be pretty intense and specific...bike work, physical health, spiritual growth, larger scale farming, foreign language proficiency, perhaps training as an electrician...not sure what 4 adult kids will be needing from me, so I'll try to remain flexible there.

Bobby is chugging along. He gets up really early to take Robert to seminary, unloads the dishwasher, exercises several times a week, works and works all day, makes dinner for the family, and then goes to bed early. Every once in a while there's a really bad day at work, or his digestive issues flare up and make him miserable, but most of the time he is just doing his own thing at his own pace and making things happen. On Sundays that he's not assigned to speak as a high councilor in another ward/branch, he manages Matthew and James so that I can attend all of Sacrament Meeting in person. If/When I overschedule myself, or there's a medical issue with one of the kids, Bobby works from home to support me. He's started working with the kids on their personal goals, too. It's a huge relief to have someone else do the emotional labor of following up and following through with the kids.

Altogether, it feels like a grind to the end. Almost there...and then what?!

This week

I've got a pain in my left foot that's been really bad the last couple of weeks. Turns out I've got a teeny bit of age-appropriate arthritis in one metatarsal, and one bone that's a little longer than ideal. The solution is a funky pad in my shoe. It's already made a HUGE difference. Sweet relief. The foot doctor made an audio recording of our visit and used AI to generate the note for my chart.

James had a great visit to the dentist. Still no cavities, but when the dentist ran James' x-rays through an AI program, it identified two "weak" spots that could eventually turn into cavities. The dentist recommended a few extra things James could add to his tooth brushing routine to slow the decay and maybe even restrengthen those spots. 

Matthew had a rough weekend, but still not as bad as what used to be normal. By Monday morning, he was his "new normal" again and cracking jokes like a pro. He's full of big ideas and enthusiasm these days.

Robert had his first tennis match. Apparently, only the varsity team has scheduled matches. All the junior varsity kids just spar with whoever is free from the other team. Their matches don't count towards anything. Robert doesn't care. He had a great time and learned a lot by playing against strangers. 

Bobby hid the kids' Easter candy again this year. The kids really enjoy it. None of the hiding spots were ridiculous, but it brought to light how many nooks and crannies and little spaces we ignore in our daily life. You think you've searched EVERYWHERE, but you haven't. 

Our praying mantis died :( She didn't survive her final molting. Poor girl. She was about to get her wings!

Our baby chicks are growing quickly. We've moved them from James' room to the garage because they were just too messy and stinky to stay. Nova is obsessed with them. She has attempted murder on more than one occasion, and she goes ballistic if they're outside and she can't get to them. We have hopes that they will look less delicious when they're bigger, but who knows? This is a terrifically docile breed, quiet, super chill. 

I've started planting my garden. I lost some young broccoli and cabbage to bunnies who found a weakness in my fencing *sigh* but I've patched things up and will plant again. James saved some seeds from his giant Halloween pumpkin last year and planted them indoors. I had no idea how well they would sprout, so we planted them all, but it looks like 95% of them survived. We have a TON of pumpkin seedlings now. More than will ever fit in my whole garden. I've told him to pick his 10 favorite seedlings to plant outdoors. No more. I also know he's devising ways to sneak in a couple dozen more. The stinker. 

James and Matthew are at the end of their archery season. Matthew continues to get better and James has made SIGNIFICANT progress. Matthew still loves it, James still hates it *shrug*

I don't have much of an update from Lukas. He's been pretty busy with school. He did send me a picture of a chocolate lemon meringue pie, though, which made me gag. Thanks, Lukas.

Even more progress...

In the last week, Matthew has:

--seamlessly slept in his own bed every night

--attended dinner with us naturally every night

--happily read scriptures out loud during family scripture study every night

--attended church in-person, in church clothes, on a pew in the chapel, for the whole hour (his own idea)

--successfully completed one night of homework at home for the first time in 6 months

--sat on the couch to read quietly

--brushed off countless triggering comments and situations 

--had only three panic episodes

--baked jam cake

--initiated several big projects

--made significant progress developing his own epic Dungeons and Dragons quest

--decided that he likes to get to school really early

Some of these miraculous changes are becoming commonplace, but I still get a catch in my throat every time he hops out of the car at school after a successful morning. This has been an enormous relief to our family. Astounding. Unbelievable. 

We laugh together more. 

We have more conversations of all types.

More light, more warmth, more hope. It's like spring.

More changes...

Last night, Matthew ate dinner with us and chatted happily. That's new.

Later, he hopped off the computer and declared, "I want to do a big project!" He brainstormed with Bobby and Robert and spent an hour cutting cardboard and going through the dress-up clothes. Also new.

He joined us for family scripture study and read out loud with us. No tablet. Totally new.

He worked on his project a little more and then went to bed, no anxiety. Unbelievable.

This morning, he woke up and hopped into the shower. Unprompted. No warning. I was completely taken aback and asked him why he did that. He replied, "I just wanted to feel clean and help myself wake up more." 

"Did it work?

"Yup!"

I'm still utterly flabbergasted.

He got dressed, ate a hearty breakfast, and went back to his project until it was time to leave for school. Tweaking and adjusting things, collaborating with Robert some more. Who is this kid? Is this what normal Matthew is like?

When it was time to leave, he experienced a series of delays and unexpected issues: the only clean socks were long socks so he had to change from pants into shorts, then he tried on several pairs of shorts and they didn't feel right, so he went back to pants and wore the long socks with pants. All of this he did on his own without meltdown or coaching or coaxing from anyone else. He just considered his options and made decisions like some other regular kid. Then he realized he had to use the bathroom. He started to get concerned about being late. Concerned, not anxious. I assured him we were still within our normal leaving time. He believed me. He actually listened and calmed himself. We got in the car just fine. As we drove, he voiced his feelings about the timer his teachers put up on the board before class starts. He listed all the things he needed to do before that timer ran out and the school day officially began: change his shoes, unpack his bag, get his workbook and supplies. Calmly. He was talking about something that stresses him out. Out loud. With words. Then he suddenly remembered that I needed to sign a couple things. No meltdown. He just pulled them out of his bag and handed them to me nonchalantly. Like a regular kid. 

LIKE A REGULAR KID!

I'm still in shock.

A little relief...

It's been 5-6 weeks since Matthew's new medication regimen started. The last couple of weeks, we've seen a series of minute and yet remarkable moments that indicate we are headed in the right direction...

SPRING BREAK

--Matthew stayed out in the house with us MOST of the time. There were only a few hours in the week where he had to retreat to his bed and stay under his blanket.

--There were several instances when he and James did not agree, or something Matthew did made James upset. James flared up, Matthew grew concerned and held firm. They TALKED about it. Even if they didn't end up agreeing, Matthew was OKAY. He brushed it off. Months ago, he would have retreated to his room screaming "sorry, sorry, I'm so sorry" and stayed there for hours. 

--Matthew agreed to one outing a day, and he DID IT. Once or twice on these outings, he started feeling anxious, but then he was able to refocus. He had a great time. For hours. 

--He got dressed for these outings WITHOUT PANIC. 

--He ate dinner with us a few times.

--He volunteered to pray a few times, even when it wasn't his turn.

--He participated in family scripture study a couple times without a tablet in hand.

OTHER DAYS

--I told him about a summer class for kids his age and he actually WANTS to go. He is excitedly anticipating it. He'll be writing/coding a 2D video game.

--Talking about our family vacation this summer, I asked him about several possible excursions. He decided that he wanted to try the gondola ride over the forest. He said, "I know that I'm really afraid of heights, but I think that once I'm on it and it gets going, I'll like it and be really glad that I went."

--There was a thunderstorm and tornado siren after bedtime one night. He didn't like it, but he calmly hung out in the bathroom with us and GLADLY/GRATEFULLY went back to bed afterwards.

YESTERDAY

Sundays are the worst. They have been so, so hard. Yesterday, however, even though we were running a little late, Matthew kept a calm (cheerful?) attitude. Realizing it was Sunday did NOT trigger a panic attack. Asking him about how much he could do at church that day did NOT trigger a panic attack. Matthew usually attends church over Zoom in the car in the parking lot with me or Bobby. Then we pop into the foyer for the sacrament, and go back to the car for the rest of the meeting. He decided this time, however, that he could take the sacrament IN THE CHAPEL. I was completely flabbergasted. It was Bobby's turn in the car, so I sat in the chapel near the back door. When the sacrament hymn started, I wondered if Matthew would actually do it. A second later, he plopped into the pew next to me. He was nervous. He was still wearing pajamas. He was snuggled right up close to me gripping my arm, but he was smiling and HE WAS THERE. We participated in the sacrament together. Amazing! Then, he said he was thirsty. I figured this was the end of his visit. Nope. He got a drink at the water fountain and CAME BACK. He stayed in the pew for the rest of the hour-long meeting. Later, the bishop and Matthew's quorum leader both commented on how amazing it was to see Matthew in the chapel. They have been working with us for months to help Matthew feel more comfortable at church and weekly activities. 

TODAY

The door to the yellow bathroom somehow got locked while no one was in there. This is the kids' main bathroom, and James was already tired and grouchy about school starting again, so he made a comment that it was Matthew's fault. Weeks ago, this would have derailed the ENTIRE morning. Matthew would be in tears, completely panicking, unable to dress or speak, and probably end up 1-2 hours late for school. Instead, Matthew said, "It's just a locked door," and went to get dressed UNPROMPTED, UNFLUSTERED. James persisted in his accusation, which irritated Matthew a bit more, but not to the point of being upset. Bobby fixed the door, James and Matthew finished getting ready for school WITHOUT FURTHER INCIDENT, and everyone got to school on time. 

Make no mistake: these are small (and not so small) miracles. 

Even if things get bad again (or worse) tomorrow, these days still happened. If things can get this good once, I have a greater hope that they can get this good again. That's one thing that pulled me through my second mental health crisis some years ago. I knew normal was possible, no matter how broken and dark everything seemed at the moment. 

2025 Christmas Letter (in March)

Hello Friends and Family!

Here is a (way too long, way too late) year-end update on our family. Usual disclaimer: I love reading these sorts of things from other people, but I don’t expect everyone to feel that way. If this letter ends up in the recycle bin without being read, you won’t hurt my feelings. At all. Truly. 

Bobby is still working as a software engineer at NVIDIA at a smallish facility in the University of Illinois Research Park. The work can be demanding. He tells me that artificial intelligence writes terrible code, but it sometimes saves time to let AI have a go first. Bobby cooked dinner almost every night this year. He invited the missionaries to dinner every week, and sometimes twice when there was a holiday. He accompanied James on a school trip to Boston. I can’t imagine traveling with over 40 11-14 year-olds…airports, hotels, walking around Boston itself…but they both survived.

Bobby in a few words: steady, faithful, confident

Bobby’s superpower: turning to God first when things get tough

Susan is me. I made several trips around the continental U.S. this year, inching closer to my goal of cycling 50 miles with my friend in all 50 states before she turns 50. People always ask how many states we have left (10), which states have been my favorites (North and South Dakota, New Mexico, and Arkansas), and when we are going to Hawaii (Winter 2026/27).

I refurbished almost 50 bikes in my garage this year for a local thrift store. The garden and my church service suffered a little as I just couldn’t give either of them as much time as they needed. Managing Matthew’s anxiety has been a major force in our family this year. It has been very, very difficult. Other interests and relationships have had to wait. I have, however, tried to make time for these things, and I appreciate everyone who’s been there for me in person or in spirit. Walking at the dog park with my sister has been GREAT! And I have fun doing statistics for my clan in my new favorite video game “Total Battle”

Me in a few words: flexible, a little awkward

My superpower: this year, it was resilience. And hope. Sometimes hope is a superpower.

Lukas (formerly Alice/Alex) turned 18 this year and graduated from high school. He worked all summer as a nature camp counselor, which he swears he will do until he graduates from college and moves to Germany. Just before starting college, Lukas sought testing for autism and received a diagnosis. He says it explains a lot. Lukas flexed his adult muscles by getting a few more piercings, taking on a couple of tattoos, and starting testosterone therapy to develop more masculine physical characteristics. And, while I don’t fully understand his choices, I do like to see him becoming an independent and self-directed adult. He’s a freshman at Southern Illinois University (Carbondale) majoring in German Studies and Psychology. He’s there on scholarship, which includes one year abroad in Germany or Austria. His friend group is loving and supportive, he’s got the sweetest boyfriend, and his classes are just challenging enough to keep him on his toes. His school is 3 hours away by car: the perfect distance to be home when you want to be home and to be far from home when you want to be far from home.

Lukas in a few words: bold, Gen Z to the core, edgy, colorful

Lukas’ superpower: instant and intense passion for whatever has his attention at the moment

Robert is in 10th grade this year at Urbana High School. When Lukas moved out and Matthew’s anxiety led to a much quieter household, Robert started coming out of his room more. Some people just do better with less stimulation. Robert is deliberate, introspective, and driven to improve every aspect of himself. His humor is dry and understated, clever, mildly sarcastic, and largely based on observation. More than one of his quiet, well-timed comments has made me burst out laughing uncontrollably. Even in public. I feel like he’s a totally new kid this year. Actually, he’s the kid that his teachers and church leaders always told me about, but who never made an appearance at home until now. Robert is doing well in school. He’s pushing himself in every discipline. Math is still his most intuitive subject. He’s in Pre-Calculus, and decided to study Calculus on his own and take the AP exam this May. Robert has made a lot of physical changes this year, too, growing leaner and much, much stronger due to regular workouts at the gym. He’s a pretty good driver and looks forward to getting his license in April. 

Robert in a few words: smart, focused, meticulous, driven

Robert’s superpower: a patient focus and an analytical mind that causes him to quickly improve on anything he decides to work on

 

James started 7th grade this year. He’s carefully shaped his school image into something of a mischievous rascal. He decided this year that he was going to keep up on his assignments and earn decent grades (last year was NOT like that). And he has! Proudly. Another change we saw this year was our painfully shy and self-conscious James suddenly singing solos on stage, in costume, in front of his peers and their families! No sweat. Loved it. Hammed it up with all that rascal charm. James redesigned his bedroom this year into a perfectly normal-looking sitting room with a bedroom hidden in the closet, only accessible through a full-sized dresser that he converted into a secret entrance. He also built a hill cart from scratch out of a 55-gallon drum. He created a personal armory out of scraps of metal, wood, and assorted hardware. He experimented with model rockets. He constructed a raised garden bed. He co-managed a Summer Kid Camp at our home. He took down a tree and butchered it into firewood with a chainsaw (supervised). He spent hours a week at Art Club painting the canvases that now decorate his private sitting room. 

James in a few words: rascal, a little stubborn, big ideas, a maker

James’ superpower: creative resilience and a sure-I’ll-try attitude

Matthew started 5th grade this year. It’s been a rocky year for this guy. It started with chronic, disabling anxiety that still hasn’t gotten much better despite 12 months of medication, regular therapy, and an extensive series of accommodations at home. We know these things take time (sometimes a LOT of time) but we’re hopeful there’s a less anxious balance out there for him. Fortunately for us, school is Matthew’s happy place: he has friends, he loves his teachers. His 4th grade teachers noticed some issues that eventually led to a diagnosis of dyslexia. He does NOT enjoy the extra hours of tutoring and reading/spelling therapy this requires, but he does the work. After school, Matthew is in the Dungeons and Dragons Club where he acts as the dungeon master for his group. He likes the story-telling aspects of D&D, and being the dungeon master allows him to shape the narrative and reign in unruly behavior. Matthew competed in archery this year (loved it) and started taking gymnastics (also loved it). He not-so-secretly wants to become Spider-Man.  

Matthew in a few words: a pleaser, friendly, anxious, and woefully apologetic for being so anxious

Matthew’s superpower: resisting sweets. He’s just NEVER in the mood for them.

          

Love,

Susan

Lukas Update

Lukas sent me this after he read the last blog post :)

***

LUKAS

German: Doing great with comprehension and speaking. Grammar needs some work but whose doesn’t. Working on the last few grammatical rules before there’s basically no more.

German Business: Comprehension is PERFECT. Or as perfect as it would be in English but this is business so… yeah. Connecting grammar rules into the assignments and conversations. Writing full paragraphs/emails in German with little to no corrections needed.

Speech: Super boring. Doing great in speeches, a little nervous but that’s normal. Done with 2 out of 4 speeches this year and currently working on number 3.

Ethics: Great understanding of topics, participates in discussions and brings up questions to further discuss with classmates.

Psych of Personality: So boring that it’s difficult to pay attention in class. But the material is so memorization based that it’s easy to just catch up on facts that are needed for memorization.

Forensics: A little behind, but only in my schedule which puts me three weeks ahead of the due dates. Fascinating material, but watches the videos on x.75 speed because the professor talks SO SLOWLY.

Extra Curricular/Free time: Reading a lot more, teaching myself Danish, playing Minecraft with Ian, sleeping

Friends: Doing great with my set group, making other new friends as well!

Now you’re updated on my life too!

Parent-Teacher Conferences March 2026

I'm writing this down here while it's still fresh on my mind:

JAMES

Science: participates really well, loves to tinker and think about the next step. Engaged, engaged, engaged. Great personality. Encouraged him to go to science summer camps at the U of I. When asked, they said he struggled with a few kids in the class, but he keeps his distance and is mature about it.

History: Engaged, engaged, engaged. She wishes she had more time to just sit and discuss history with him. Great questions, really thinking about the subject and its implications. Very active participant in class discussions. On written tests, he doesn't always answer in complete sentences, use correct grammar, or write as much detail as she asks for, so that hurts his overall grade.

ELA: agreement with the grammar issue, but she's seen a lot of improvement this trimester. Again, he's completely engaged and insightful every single class period. Active participant in discussions. This teacher is also with him during the lunch period. She says his usual lunch group started talking about things that he didn't want to participate in. He talked to them about it, talked to teachers about it, and ultimately decided to sit somewhere else for lunch. He wasn't the only one from that lunch group to split off. She said he handled it with incredible maturity. No drama.

French: he struggles with French grammar and doesn't always follow the written exam instructions, but he'll always work diligently on making corrections afterwards. He's an active and lively participant in class. When he reads out loud in French, she says it's like he's on stage. Lots of dramatics and artistry. She thinks he would benefit from more one-on-one instruction and taking the time to really understand the grammar. 

Math: this is currently the hardest unit of the year. James struggled at first, but now he's getting it. He's incredibly responsible, engaged, and tuned in during class. He uses his time effectively, listens to the teacher's pointers, and incorporates those tips into his work. 

Art, PE, Music, Dance, Drama...these teachers weren't part of the Parent-Teacher Conferences.

MATTHEW

Math: he gets the math concepts, he just needs significantly more time to complete the assignments. He's taken 3 standardized math tests this year so far. In the first two, he earned the EXACT same below-grade score: mid-4th grade. That kind of surprised his teachers because he didn't struggle with comprehension. On the most recent one from a few weeks ago, he scored mid-6th grade level. It took an extra hour to complete the exam, but she feels it's a better representation of his understanding.

ELA: standardized tests for his grade max out at mid-8th grade level, and he's been hitting that consistently for reading and comprehension. Handwriting, spelling, grammar, and punctuation are still a struggle, but his teachers have seen some improvement this trimester. His once-a-week tutoring with one of his teachers has been a great help keeping him caught up on his work in every subject. She says he doesn't need much "tutoring" per se, because he understands the tasks and follows the instructions well, but he gets a lot done with her there. When he's mostly caught up, he's less anxious, and he can do more.

Social Studies: this is more of a discussion-based subject compared to the other two. Matthew is consistently one of the most involved students in these discussions. His teacher has found Matthew's depth of empathy and compassion remarkable. Matthew said recently that social studies has become one of his favorite subjects. 

Both of his teachers mentioned that Matthew's difficulties with school aren't intentional/lazy or any sort of intellectual issue. He just needs more time to do everything. He'd rather turn in an incomplete project on time than ask for a later deadline, even though he's worked on it consistently and knows exactly what's missing.

I asked about 6th grade next year...which math track would be a better fit, if they knew of any tutoring options, tips for transitioning...

We all agreed that while he was technically capable of the higher level math class, he would probably do better in the regular grade-level math that works at a slightly more relaxed pace. 

His current teacher and tutor said she would be willing to continue as his tutor next year. I almost cried on the spot. There are so few things that other people can do to help Matthew directly (and therefore relieve some of the pressure/weight on me/us). This woman can help. It's just an hour of her week keeping a kid on-task, but it's an enormous relief and blessing to ALL of us. I don't think she understands how important she is to me in particular.  

As for Matthew's transition to middle school, it'll be kinda rough, like with most kids, but he's got a few things working in his favor. First off, it's the same exact same school and half of his teachers will be the same ones he's already seeing for specials. Second, he already has friends and extracurricular activities he loves. Third, I know the 6th grade core teachers and they're great. Finally, he's got a big brother in middle school who has gone through this and can commiserate. He'll be alright.

Both of his teachers have noticed a change since Matthew started taking the higher dose of ADHD meds. He asks his ELA teacher clarifying questions more often. He seems to get more done in class, too. So, it's not a miracle cure, but it's progress.

I didn't get to speak with any of the "specials" teachers. 

I did meet with Matthew's psychiatrist this morning. We talked about his progress and what more can be done. We tweaked his med regimen just a bit, too. I asked about addiction/dependency on these ADHD meds. He likened it to wearing glasses. Is that a dependency? He reminded me that Matthew's brain is still developing. Medication now helps him refocus his attention on positive neural pathways and practice putting aside the anxious ones. The less time he spends on the anxious ones, the weaker they will get. The more time he spends on pursuing other rewarding behaviors, the stronger those will get. Will he ever go off of the medications entirely? No clue. But that's not the goal right now. 

Time. 

Patience. 

More time. 

More patience. 

I got this.

Good things

Robert's happiness has improved SIGNIFICANTLY over the last 6 weeks. He's making progress on all sorts of personal goals...strength training, driving, schooling. He has a sense of humor at home. He's patient with the boys' noise. He's even offered his friend a ride in our car with me. More than once. We've developed a new pattern of communication. It's been a while since his last prolonged discussion/argument with me over painful minutae. Yesterday, he even said, "I'm glad you're my mom AND my friend." I asked him what the "friend" part entailed. He said the "mom" part is all the stuff I have to do for him, and the friend part is all the other things like chatting about health/nutrition, joking back and forth, and the tiny acts of kindness/service I do just because I know it matters to him. I think I just figured out Robert's love language. 

Matthew has experienced a series of good moments, too. I'm recording them here for a couple of reasons. First, when all this anxiety is sorted out in the future, I don't want to forget how hard it was and how beautiful small moments like these could feel. Second, if this is a turn for the better, I want to document when it started.

1) We had an honest discussion with his psychiatrist where Matthew and I finally felt heard. Matthew even opened up a little. Our current hypothesis about Matthew's anxiety is 2-fold. First, he's anxious about everything, but especially anxious about things that are difficult for him. Second, he's genuinely riddled with guilt about being anxious about these things that are difficult for him. So, he avoids things out of anxiety, then feels guilty about it, which makes him want to avoid it even more, which leads to more guilt/avoidance/anxiety, etc. His doctor recommended sit-down dinners with the family and ice cream in the shower. It makes sense in context, I promise. 

2) It's the Sunday before school starts, 8am. Church is now at 9am (instead of 12pm), and Matthew just realizes both facts. Cue the paralyzing anxiety and guilt! He hasn't been to church in a few weeks. I remind myself that he's already beating himself up about not being able to go to church. I ask him how far he feels he can go today, and throw out a few scenarios: get dressed and sit in the chapel? get dressed and sit in the foyer? sit in the foyer in play clothes? sit in the foyer in play clothes with the tablet? So on and so forth. He decides that he can sit in the car with me while we watch Sacrament Meeting on Zoom, and I can run into the foyer for the Sacrament itself. He was actually giddy about it. He has his limits, but he hates that his limits prevent us from doing what others need/want to do. So, in this scenario, I get to attend my meeting, take the Sacrament, and he listens stress-free. That's as close as we've gotten in a long time.

3) It's Monday morning, the first day back at school after the winter break. Matthew is in a crazy good mood. I keep bracing for it to fail, but it lasts. It lasts through to the moment in the car when he picks up his backpack to leave...and it's dripping wet, all over his clothes. His lunch drink had leaked everywhere. Cue the screaming, frustration, and disappointment. There are a few desperate moments when I think I can pull this together in the drop-off line, but no. Matthew needs to change his clothes. I turn back home. Matthew is completely freaking out in his seat. Two minutes later, he's quieter. Two minutes later, he recognizes that this is a special case where being late is out of our control and his teachers will obviously recognize that. A minute later, he's digging through his lunchbox calmly assessing the damage. It's not that bad. At home, he changes clothes, then we assess the damage throughout the rest of his backpack. Some important papers get wet, but he asks me to write a note explaining the situation (just so they didn't think he was eating/drinking sloppily while doing his work) and he's happy with it. He's fine with a new backpack for the day. He's in a good mood and making jokes on the way back to school. He gets out of the car and waves goodbye.

4) It's Monday evening. I'm 15 minutes late picking them up from archery practice, and Matthew is fine. They give me a raised eyebrow and tease me a little, but that's it. Matthew even tells me he did his homework during the downtime. Who is this kid?! 

5) It's Tuesday morning. We are just about to leave for school when Matthew remembers he didn't do ALL of his homework after all. I brace for impact. The kid asks for a pencil and calmly finishes his work in the car on the way to school. There's one more thing he has to do on the computer, so that can't be finished now, but he says, "It's okay, my teachers will understand." 

Writing these situations out, they seem so trivial and mundane. These are things that normal kids do all the time, right? We get five normal moments in two days and I'm blogging about it! I might even cry.