Matthew Moment

Last night, soon after bedtime, Matthew came out of his room to let us know that he had had a really sad thought and it was so sad he couldn't go to sleep or think of anything else. Bobby and I brainstormed with him about possible courses of action. We finally suggested that talking about the sadness might help it go away. Matthew was reluctant, but desperate, and he let it out all in one sobbing breath followed by hot, anguished tears. This was really, really important to him, but I only caught a couple words of it. Eventually, we figured out that he had imagined the house catching fire and all of his stuffies being burned. He said they were like real people to him. I tried to tell him how unlikely a house fire would be. No use. Simply the possibility of a house fire was enough for him. I didn't know what to do except to let him cry as I hugged him tight. He slowly started to calm down. Then he came up with an idea to distract him from this sad scenario and quietly went to bed. 

Dude. I know how that feels. 

Pride Flag

It's time to talk about the Pride flag.

I love rainbows and rainbow themes, but the Pride flag stirs up mixed feelings in me. I'm going to use this blog post to try and figure it out.

First, a pride flag history lesson from Britannica.com:

But how did that flag become a symbol of LGBTQ pride?

It goes back to 1978, when the artist Gilbert Baker, an openly gay man and a drag queen, designed the first rainbow flag. Baker later revealed that he was urged by Harvey Milk, one of the first openly gay elected officials in the U.S., to create a symbol of pride for the gay community. Baker decided to make that symbol a flag because he saw flags as the most powerful symbol of pride. As he later said in an interview, “Our job as gay people was to come out, to be visible, to live in the truth, as I say, to get out of the lie. A flag really fit that mission, because that’s a way of proclaiming your visibility or saying, ‘This is who I am!’” Baker saw the rainbow as a natural flag from the sky, so he adopted eight colors for the stripes, each color with its own meaning (hot pink for sex, red for life, orange for healing, yellow for sunlight, green for nature, turquoise for art, indigo for harmony, and violet for spirit).

The first versions of the rainbow flag were flown on June 25, 1978, for the San Francisco Gay Freedom Day parade. Baker and a team of volunteers had made them by hand, and now he wanted to mass-produce the flag for consumption by all. However, because of production issues, the pink and turquoise stripes were removed and indigo was replaced by basic blue, which resulted in the contemporary six-striped flag (red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and violet). Today this is the most common variant of the rainbow flag, with the red stripe on top, as in a natural rainbow. The various colors came to reflect both the immense diversity and the unity of the LGBTQ community.

It was not until 1994 that the rainbow flag was truly established as the symbol for LGBTQ pride. That year Baker made a mile-long version for the 25th anniversary of the Stonewall riots. Now the rainbow flag is an international symbol for LGBTQ pride and can be seen flying proudly, during both the promising times and the difficult ones, all around the world. 

Do I believe that folks of the LGBTQ community should remain closeted and hidden? No.

Do I believe LGBTQ feelings are a choice? No.

Do I believe folks in the LGBTQ community should hate themselves for feelings they did not create or feelings they cannot change? Absolutely not. They deserve all the love and acceptance due to every child of God on this earth.

Do I believe the community at large should treat all of its members as equal and valued? Yes!

Am I comfortable with members of the LGBTQ community? Not yet.

Why? Because I think they're not like me. Because I think I can't empathetically understand where they're coming from or what they're feeling. Because I think they won't trust me. They might think I'm one of those people who hate them. Am I? I don't think I am. I don't want to be. But there are behaviors and habits and expectations so deeply ingrained in me that I know I'm not totally comfortable with all this yet and something I say or do without thinking (e.g. misgendering, avoiding eye contact because I just don't know what to say or do) will hurt them. 

I'm afraid. 

It always boils down to fear. 

But here's the thing: a person's gender or sexuality is just ONE part of the whole human being. There's a whole lot more than those two things on which to establish a friendship or working relationship. All this publicity around LGBTQ issues is, ironically, simply to get LGBTQ issues seen and normalized. Just like I want equal pay for men and women of all colors and just like I want to be able to worship God according to the dictates of my own conscience, folks of the LGBTQ community want equal consideration and freedom to live their lives without discrimination or hatred. A perfect world is where these differences don't matter anymore and we can focus on helping each other. I agree wholeheartedly with that!

And yet, and yet, and yet I get snagged on something. What is it? 

I get snagged on the reality that there's no easy or comfortable place for LGBTQ folks in my understanding of God's plan of happiness. I am confident that God has a plan for them. Absolutely sure of that. A plan that helps them achieve their greatest potential, just like all of God's children. But I don't know what it is. I have nothing to offer them. Right now, these days, legal eternal families only start one way: 1 male and 1 female sealed together for eternity in the temple of God. What does this mean for folks who don't feel in synch with the gender assigned to them at birth? Or those who aren't attracted to the opposite gender? Or any gender? I don't know. I have absolute faith that God loves his LGBTQ children as powerfully and personally as He does the rest of His children. I just don't know how the pieces fit together yet eternally.

So, I want to stand up and support all the LGBTQ folks I love. I want people to know that I am a safe person who will work to accept and love them however they come. I will walk with them. But I can't wave a Pride flag yet. There's a part of me that feels disingenuous at the thought. It feels hypocritical to wave a symbol of solidarity and pride when I, personally, feel out of synch and uncertain about how this will all end up.

I want to tell you about something that happened at the gym recently. Alex and I were waiting for our Combat class to begin. Before the instructor even said a word, I leaned over to Alex and whispered, "This is one of my favorite instructors at the Y." "Yeah," he replied, "I like them already!" But I could tell it was not because I liked this instructor. There was something else that Alex saw about this person that put him at ease. What was it?! Then I spotted a rainbow watch band. Was that something Alex noticed, too? Did it help him feel more comfortable and safe with this person? Alex talked to the instructor after class of his own free will. That's A LOT coming from him. I didn't ask him about the watch band. I chickened out.

Then I ordered a rainbow watch band.

It came in the mail and I started to sweat. I wanted to wear it, but also didn't want to. I've carried it in my pocket for the last few days, unopened, sitting on this uncomfortable feeling. So many uncomfortable questions: do I put it on my daily watch, or just my exercise watch? What would Bobby think? How would I feel wearing it to church? Will it make any difference to Alex? Will it bring relief and comfort to some? Will it bring contention and divisiveness to others? Am I wanting to wear this just to fit in, or am I really willing to stand up for it? Why is this such a big deal?! It's just a stupid watch band, for goodness' sake! Will people think I'm a fanatic? A heretic? A hypocrite? 

Ugh. I'm overthinking again, huh? 

Well, it doesn't matter for the next couple of days. I'll be wearing BOTH of my watches, one black band and one rainbow band, until I can determine if the daily one is alright. It's been giving me some funky heart rate readings lately. Maybe I'll have a better idea of what to do after a couple days of wearing it. 

Gotta confess: the bright colors make me happy. I just plain like rainbows!

Photos

I'm officially calling my anxiety "in remission". There are no more physical symptoms and my days are filled again with a variety of activities and interests. I have all the time and energy I need to meet my family's needs, keep myself physically/mentally/spiritually healthy, and even serve others. I feel closer to Bobby and we work together to meet our kids' needs. We've had several significant and meaningful conversations about parenting lately. Life is sticky. Our ideas for smoothing things out may be different, but we have the same goals in mind, so we eventually come to a course of action that suits us both. I'm lucky to have Bobby as a partner.

It's been FOREVER since I uploaded photos, so here's a glut of them :)

Thanksgiving 2021 in Copley, OH, with the Garner family. We've known the Garners for 18 years and our kids have sort of grown up together. I call them our "friend-cousins" or "frousins." Here, Bobby is helping Robert use the Garner's scroll saw to cut out a Pinewood Derby car. We planned a little Pinewood Derby competition for the holiday.

Thanksgiving 2021. Bobby discovered he's bald enough to secure a plunger to his head. The plunger belongs to G Garner, and it's a toy, not a tool. James discovered several other body parts it could suction to.

Thanksgiving 2021. Matthew is painting his penguin-themed Pinewood Derby car.

Alex using the Garners' drill press on his rainbow watermelon car to fit the weights.

Thanksgiving 2021. Alex, N, G, and Rk spent hours on a couple Dungeons and Dragons adventures. Robert and James listened on. Alex likes the storytelling aspects of D&D much more than the actual battling stuff, so everyone helped build the story together. I loved hearing them laugh and shriek and laugh some more. It got Alex out of his room and engaging with peers. It also resulted in a series of inside jokes like, "Kill the cube, kill the cube. Don't disappoint the master. Master!"

Thanksgiving 2021. The Pinewood Derby! The Garners had access to an official track with electronic timing and tournament software. R Garner took first with her bike-themed car. Matthew's penguin car took 2nd and J Garner took 3rd. James got the "turtle" award for being last, which caused Matthew a lot of sorrow. The baby turtle stuffy was adorable, and it was the only reason Matthew wanted to be in the race at all. He wanted to lose SO badly.

Thanksgiving 2021. We had a chocolate tasting in 3 sessions. Here, Bobby has just set up for the first tasting. I now know that there are some chocolate bars I never need to try again. Ghirardelli is still my clear favorite.

Thanksgiving 2021. We ran our own little Turkey Trot 5k

Thanksgiving 2021. We played games. Who has time to play games during the day?! Well, when a majority of the kids are old enough to play D&D for hours at a time, I do!

Early December 2021. The rest of our family got their second dose of the Covid-19 vaccine. Matthew is disgruntled on the outside, but he's actually very happy it's finally over. The first dose was psychologically hard for him...his blood-curdling screams and vicious flailing drew a lot of attention from the other folks at the vaccine clinic...and anticipating the second dose was hard, hard, hard as well...but he was remarkably contained when the time came and even held his shirt down for the nurse. That's courage, my boy. You've got it.

 

Our most recent family photo. The kids were grouchy about it being in their church clothes, so some of them insisted on more casual footwear. It was freezing cold and raining. Alex said something that got James to shoot him a lighthearted stink-eye. I'm glad my friend caught that moment.

Here's the official new family photo. No stink eye involved.

Pummelos. Our family's favorite citrus fruit. It's only in our grocery stores for a short time, so we've been enjoying it a lot lately.

We finally disassembled our 3D globe puzzle to be put back together another day.

Alex put together some winter break activity kits for kids. He sold some to a couple families in the ward and I bought a couple for James and Matthew. They've REALLY enjoyed them. Here, Matthew is mixing peanut butter, butter, and chocolate chips to make muddy buddies. He's also done a Christmas scavenger hunt and invented his own board game. Any time he's bored, he just asks, "Can I do something from my kit?"

We adjusted chores a little at home. Here, Matthew is vacuuming out the van. Like his earmuffs? Those are a recent acquisition due to Alex. Alex believes he is on the autism spectrum. He insisted, therefore, that his sensory issues were far too extreme to allow for regular chores like vacuuming (noise) and hand washing dishes (texture/moisture). He also insisted that his people-free time in his room was far too precious to sacrifice for chores that would be less demanding on his sensory system (loading/unloading the dishwasher, mopping, cleaning a bathroom). I held the line, though, and agreed that it was a genuinely difficult decision to make. I said he could take a few days to make the decision. At that point, he let out a huge, exasperated sigh and said, "Fine. Just give me vacuuming." I purchased the hardware ear muffs to reduce the noise level. Matthew looooooves them. Alex tried them and excitedly told me, "The white noise from the vacuum and the sound dampening from the ear muffs made it so I could think straight with real words for the first time in a long time!"

We had a pretty heavy frost the other day and James collected a bunch of it from outside and made the "first snowball of the season"!

Alex and his shoulder buddy, Peanut, with a new shoulder gnome. Thanks, Heidi, for the ornaments! We love them!

Another activity from his winter break kit: microwave popcorn from scratch! Matthew mixed some popcorn kernels and oil, put them in a brown lunch bag, and microwaved it to perfection.

Here's a little photo display I put together for our family's 20th birthday: one photo of our family from each year 2001-2021 :)

Today, Matthew and James took every single blanket in the house and put it under the card table. Then they brought in pillows and built cushion walls. They've been "digging around" in the blankets like moles. Matthew gave me a "tour" by digging down into the blankets, moving over a little, and popping up in another place he called his kitchen or living room or bathroom. Robert added another layer of cushions so thick that I could barely hear the boys playing under there.

James surprised me again today. He asked if he could spend some of his own money to buy little bottles of sparkling apple cider at the dollar store. I groaned, but had the time and opportunity, and complied. It turns out, he didn't want them for himself. He actually bought them to put in other people's stockings. Everyone except himself. And then, when he realized that Christmas would fall on chore day this week, he secretly did one of Matthew's chores for him. James is amazing. I don't give him enough credit for those choices.

 

What they bring

You may have noticed a tapering off of blog entries. It's not for any lack of things to blog about, but Alex and Robert are getting old enough that there is less and less that I can comfortably share about them in the public arena. I try to respect their privacy. Also, my experiences are far more personal and spiritual and complex these days, especially when it comes to Alex, so it's difficult to compose them into neat blog posts with descriptive titles. It's difficult to be descriptive enough AND respect everyone's privacy AND revisit such powerful experiences when there isn't a clear conclusion at the end. Hence, I've been journaling a lot more than blogging lately :) I will gladly chat with folks about these things in person, though.

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I've been thinking lately about what each child brings to our family:

Alex brings confidence and laughter and ridiculousness.

Robert brings curiosity and tenacity and honesty.

James brings creativity and generosity and flexibility.

Matthew brings love and playfulness and social glue.

 

Love it!

Here is James' 3rd grade photo, complete with funny t-shirt and crazy hair. He actually combs his hair up into spikes after each bath to get that effect. It's a little long, though, so it deflates by the middle of the day *sigh* but you get the general idea here :)

His t-shirt reads, "I've got your back," and it's one stick man holding another stick man's back, which is simply a straight line, and the other stick man only has a head, arms, and legs. It reflects James' slightly sarcastic, slightly witty, and slightly dark sense of humor perfectly.