James Moments

Summer has given me a lot more time with James. He's my buddy. He's always up for running errands, working on bikes, or puttering in the garden. He's got several projects going this year:

Giant pumpkins! He's got 31 pumpkin plants growing on various parts of our property. One third of them are the Atlantic Giant variety, and two thirds came from a 40-pound pumpkin we purchased from Negangard Pumpkin Patch last fall. Some of the vines are already 10 feet long. We've had several moments already where I feel better connected to James. One of his Atlantic Giants isn't doing so well. He considers them his children, so he was pretty sad about it. We had a moment where we could chat about disappointment being a normal part of growing crops...growing problems, insect damage, disease...but farmers plan for that by planting extra. Resilience is part of the game. He felt significantly better after that. James is also growing a purple variety of broccoli, which gave him his first harvest yesterday. We've been incredibly lucky so far with our brassicas. 

Mmmmm, purple broccoli. Will he actually eat any of it? 

Schwinn Stingray Chopper Bike. There's a non-profit, co-op bike shop in Urbana called The Bike Project. I go there sometimes to buy used parts, and I've persuaded them to donate a few dozen bikes to Salt and Light over the years. Anyway, it's a shop where you can work on your own bike, or get help refurbishing one of theirs. If you do the work and pay for the parts, you get to keep the refurbished bike in the end. James has come with me a few times for parts. A couple weeks ago, he spotted a bike that he simply HAD to have. He couldn't stop thinking about it, or worrying that someone else would claim it before he could. Lucky for him, it was still available the next time we could get there. He's been fixing it up with help from me. We just *barely* finished all the repairs at closing time last night. Unfortunately, it was too late to get a final safety inspection, so he didn't get to take it home. Yet. 

Emotional Regulation. James' anxiety plus puberty has made for some volatile moments. His paralytic episodes are no fun. Thanks to some advice from my parents and siblings, though, I've modified my reactions to encourage more talking on his part and more listening on my part. That's been a real help. In fact, just a couple of days ago, several things happened all at once and James instantly shut down paralyzed. He was clearly distressed, couldn't form words, and screamed whenever we asked him questions or tried to reassure him. He eventually clambored back to his room and slammed the door. Maybe 20 minutes later, he came out of his room looking completely normal. He verbalized his concern in a totally normal voice in a couple of sentences, and we were able to resolve the issue that triggered the paralysis. Done. That is progress, my friends! 

Church engagement. One of James' goals this summer is to attend Sacrament Meeting in the chapel every week and/or go to the mid-week youth activities. Prior to this goal, he would attend church in the car via zoom and come in to the foyer only during the sacrament itself. He's done really well with this, and his goal has pushed him a little, but he's proud of himself. In addition, he attended our stake youth conference last week. All the youth were bussed 7 hours to Kirtland, OH, for 2 days of church history tours and spiritual activities, then bussed 7 hours back. Robert and James were pretty tired when I picked them up. On the drive home from the church, James said begrudgingly, "I did NOT enjoy that physically, socially, or emotionally, but it was a good spiritual experience. Now my testimony is stronger and I know a lot more about our church and the gospel." Later, the bishop told me how James had born his testimony at a meeting in the Kirtland temple. James, like Matthew, hasn't attended any second hour classes at church for almost a year. 

I made him take this picture with this frog. Not sure why. We were on our road trip. This is a Panera restaurant that we stopped at for lunch.

James took this picture of his favorite sibling.

Moments with Matthew

One of Matthew's goals this summer is to do something social with friends every week. A sub-goal that I forced onto him *cough* was that he would get out of the house, or engage with people from outside of our home, at least once a day. We're three weeks into summer, and it's going pretty well. It goes ESPECIALLY well when Matthew gets together with his friends. He just lights up, and he's happy the rest of the day. 

• One Monday, we met up with a friend at Elevate, an indoor trampoline park. I can't describe how relieved and happy it made me feel to see him act so...normal...running around, joking, conversing back and forth. No anxiety. Not one trigger. I got to chat a little with his friend's mom about school and work and such. After two hours at the trampoline park, I needed some time to myself. Matthew, however, was animated and happy for hours. Still no anxiety.

• The very next day, we met up with another friend at the bowling alley. It was Matthew, me, Lukas, James, Matthew's friend, and his friend's mom. I haven't had that much fun in a long time. It helped a TON that both Lukas and the other mom were the type who could easily chat and get along with anyone. The other mom called herself a "golden retriever personality." I had to look that up, "Golden Retrievers are considerate, good-natured and strong team players. They’re naturally kindhearted and love helping, serving and looking for ways to come alongside others." (Source: Focus on the Family website). It doesn't hurt that these two people are also extroverted. Everyone felt at ease. The interesting, lively conversation never stopped. Matthew, again, was rejuvenated and happy. He was happy! Completely unbothered by anything. 
• He's taken the goal and sub-goal really well. Sometimes, he'll even ask to go out and about unprompted. We've made trips to the library, had people over, run errands together, gone to appointments, visited goats, and taken a road trip. It's good for all of us.

Maybe these moments don't sound notable to you. And, if things go well, they might not sound notable to me in 10 years, either, but living with Matthew these days carries a considerable weight. I'm always on alert for triggers, always curating my words and calculating how much emotion to show, debating how much to push him, keeping track of when he last ate or showered or took his meds, carefully planning opportunities for him to engage with the world outside our home, and trying not to be disappointed when he just can't do this/that/the other thing that day. Moments of apparent normalcy give me a little relief. 

Goofing around in the dentist's waiting room

Swimming at the Stucki's pool

Love the pool!

Ringing Rocks County Park, Upper Black Eddy, PA

Intrepid explorer

Short hike to the rock field. I love these guys.

Mercer Museum, Doylestown, PA. This was an interesting place. We found all the scavenger hunt stamps.

Look at us! Evanses eating dinner at a Bob Evans restaurant.

Fonthill Castle, Doylestown, PA. The home of an eccentric billionaire historian collector tile maker.

The Virginia Theater in downtown Champaign. We came to this show with Lukas to see some kids from church perform. It was surprisingly fun.

A Lesson About Matthew

Robert and James left for Youth Conference this morning. They'll be spending the next couple of days in Kirtland, Ohio. Once Bobby left for work, it was just me and Matthew at home. I went to the gym with Erin, took Matthew to therapy, made lunch for the two of us, then we headed out to run some errands. Matthew was in a pretty good mood all day, except, he had a low point. We were driving to our next destination and Matthew tried to whistle. He couldn't get any sound to come out. He has tried to whistle off and on for years. No luck. Then he tried rolling his R's and remembered how hard that is for him, too. Last semester in Spanish class, he FINALLY got his tongue to cooperate, but it takes a lot of effort and doesn't produce much sound. It's not anything he could use in a real word, anyway.

That's when he got sad. He said that everyone he knows can do one or both of those things without trying very hard at all. He said that's what it feels like in a LOT of things. He hasn't found a single thing that he's good at without having to work harder than everyone else at it. Then he slumped down in his seat and asked to go home. He said he was feeling stressed. These thoughts had triggered his anxiety.

I then remembered something from this morning. Matthew woke up frustrated and angry. He said he had just had a nightmare where he was winning a race, but eventually came in dead last. 

Being behind/last is one of Matthew's nightmares. I finally made the connection! He's always catching up in some form every day of his life...

--Baby of the family, the last to reach every milestone

--Spelling, multiplication, and multi-step projects take 100x longer for him than for other kids in his class

--Anxiety causes him to miss out on church functions and social events, so he never really knows what's going on

I assured him that he needs more time than the other kids but he's just as capable as them. Taking more time won't make any difference in the end. He has everything he needs to be successful in life.

He wasn't comforted. It still feels like constantly catching up. 

Thankfully, we had three more stops before we were done with our errands. Matthew didn't feel like going into the first store with me, but by the time I got back, he was giggling and doing something sneaky with my phone. 

(He had set a reminder every year that contained a bucket load of unicorns, rainbows, and other such froofiness. Goofy kid.)

Next, we dropped off a bike and picked up two more from Salt and Light. I love it when there are bikes to pick up!

Our last stop was the grocery store. It was hot today. Crazy hot. Mid-90s and humid. UGH! I wanted something cold and sweet and Matthew readily agreed. Better yet, we wouldn't have to share any of it with Robert or James! So, we picked out a few frozen treats (and a package of cinnamon rolls from the bakery *cough*) and took them home. Matthew spent the rest of the day in a great mood.

Y'know, car rides have created the most remarkable opportunities for real conversations with my kids. Each one. Yesterday, with James, we talked about something that has been really hard for him/us. He spoke candidly and we made a plan together. As we walked away from the car, he said he was really glad that he could talk to me about things that he couldn't talk to other people about. 

I was glad to get this peek into Matthew's mind today. Unfortunately, I don't have any answers for him. I don't know what it's like to struggle with spelling, math facts, and his degree of anxiety. I wish I could give him a broader perspective, though, and the faith I have that his work will be rewarded. These last couple of decades have changed my feelings about work. You do the work that creates the outcomes you care about. Nothing is achieved without work, and 99% of work is inconvenient, tedious, and taxing in some way. Eventually, though, you create what you were working towards: a beautiful garden, greater faith in God, 2500 miles of bike rides across the country, meaningful relationships with people I love, a strong body, and a new skill or two.

I'm rooting for you, Matthew!

The Next 10 Years

I've been giving considerable thought to the next 10 years of my life. The kids are older now, their needs continue to evolve, and my day-to-day role in their lives grows ever more unpredictable as they take greater control of their own future. And I love seeing them grow like this! I have no idea how much or in what ways my kids may need me once they move out, but I have complete confidence in their ability to navigate adulthood. I look forward to seeing what they do with their time and talents.  

Now, what am I to do with my own time and talents over the next 10 years? It's an especially pressing matter at this moment because I'm on track to finish my 50-50-50 cycling goal this December. 

I've decided to let my future mission application guide my current time and energy choices. Like I'm building a resume. What sorts of skills am I excited to offer in service to others, and how much experience do I want in each of those skills before I apply?

For example, I have 24 years experience in vegetable gardening, but only 2 seasons experience in larger scale farming. I'd like to get that up to at least 5 seasons. 

I have 1 year professional experience in bicycle repair, and this is my 3rd year refurbishing bikes for a local charity (over 100 bikes done so far!). I'd like to get more professional training. There are a couple of 6-week bike mechanic courses in the country that offer certification. There's also an opportunity for me to work in partnership with a small bike shop in town. I may be able to coordinate a bike repair clinic in the local charity I'm working with.

I have 4 years of French language training from high school, and 2 years of Spanish on Duolingo. I'd really like to take college Spanish language courses so I get more proficient in speaking and writing it. And since learning a language is more motivating when I have a purpose, I'm looking into Medical Translation Certification. That requires at least 24 credit hours of Spanish courses. That will take a few years.

And I'd like to take courses in Residential Electrical work. 

And stay physically active.

And maintain a healthy weight.

Another important element to this series of goals is spiritual preparation. It occurred to me just this week that I might benefit from praying about which talents and skills to work on. In prayer, I gushed about all of my neato ideas and felt like that was all well and good. Whew. Then I calmed down and listened a little. It was the strangest thing that happened next. I literally felt in my heart a growing desire to minister to others. Like, not the guilt-driven feeling, but an actual want in me. It's not something I have felt before, even with all of my trying to love ministering. This felt very much like a literal, physical softening of my heart, and with it came a self-assurance that I could minister to others from a place of love, not fear or obligation or whatever else was holding me back. That feeling carried over as I took my family to church. I saw several people at church that I hadn't seen there before, and genuinely enjoyed saying hello to them and making a little conversation. 

Mind. Blown.

The feeling is now gone, but the memory of the feeling remains. That means it's time to act. So, okay, I'll work on ministering more, too ;) 

And I'm open to any further suggestions you might have. I would love to hear what you think is something worth putting on a mission application!

Grind to the end

This was written early-May, but only published today.

**************************************************8

It's the last few weeks of the school year and we're all feeling it...

Lukas is slogging through finals week, packing up his dorm, and getting ready for his job as a Summer Camp Counselor at the Anita Purves Nature Center. We pick him up this Saturday!

Robert is swamped with coursework and studying for AP exams. He's not sure his independent study of BC Calc this year will pay off. He says he didn't sign up for the test to get anything short of the highest score (5/5). That anything less than that would be a waste. He's also had a string of health issues one right after the other...sprained ankle, crazy seasonal allergies, ear infection, nasty cold, and now virus-induced asthma. Last night, he told me that he feels an immense drive (compulsion?) to develop his full potential or else it's all wasted. He berates himself for his lack of discipline, which makes me laugh, because that kid has more self-awareness and drive than any of us. He decides to do something and then makes it happen. He says it's probably the OCD in him, but he feels like he doesn't have the will power on his own to be/do/achieve all the right/ideal/perfect things. He wants someone else to force him to do the things he knows he should do. He even wishes AI could choose the perfect music for whatever mood he's in because music selection takes more time/effort/perfection than he wants to invest. That's some serious perfectionism. He recognizes that it's harder this way. The struggle itself tends to ebb and flow.

Some great things have happened lately, too. Robert turned 16! He finished his practice driving hours and can now get a license. He's built a really great relationship with Matthew. He did it deliberately, for a specific purpose, and it's gone splendidly. Anyone else see a certain level of discipline, self-awareness, and drive in this kid? 

James' moods have been more volatile lately. He pretty much oscillates between pestering us and feeling emotionally devastated. He, Matthew, and I were watching a movie together, and Matthew and I were really into it. James finds the serious parts of movies pretty unbearable and made a move to fast-forward one part. I said no. Matthew said no. James smiled and laughed and pulled his hand away. Funny joke, right? Well, he did it again for the next serious part. We said no a little louder, with furrowed brows. I told him the next time he did that, he'd be excused. Then he did it AGAIN during an especially important part of the story and I got angry. Matthew got angry. I snapped at James, "Stop! That's not okay!" James instantly wilted, completely hurt, and slinked off to his room. A few minutes later, I heard him making distressed noises and knocking things into his walls. When the movie ended a few minutes later, I was torn between going to chat with him and just letting the consequences speak for themselves. I went to invite him to family scripture study and prayer. He declined. After prayer, I went back to talk with him. He was totally crushed. We didn't really resolve anything in that chat, but at least he didn't feel ignored. 

The very next day, as we were getting in the car for school, he and Matthew were chucking a half-filled water bottle at each other in some sort of playful consternation game. At one point, Matthew said he'd had enough. When I turned on the car, Matthew suddenly imagined the water bottle distracting the driver (me) and us getting into a horrible crash and burning to death. He said so. James playfully waggled the water bottle in Matthew's direction as if he were going to toss it to him again. Matthew and I both said no. Matthew didn't want to play anymore. It was really freaking him out. I backed out of the driveway and started to move forward when James got a mischievous grin and threw the water bottle over his head towards Matthew. Matthew screamed in angry frustration. I yelled, "Stop!" in a pretty terse tone, then I hit the brakes. I turned to James and said, "This is why we yell at you! We ask you to stop again and again and you don't stop!" He wilted instantly. Then I took it too far, in a much calmer but clearly exasperated tone, "Would it be better if I just started with the yelling part??" James sank even lower into his seat. Matthew, miraculously, took this emotional upheaval in stride and got off to school just fine. James, however, grew more and more agitated as we drove to school. He made distressed sounds, hung his head, and writhed in his seat more and more. If I tried to ask him about it, he got worse. In the end, he stormed out of the car and slammed the door behind him. 

The tendency to take things too far is not surprising. James likes to tease and laugh with people through pushing those kinds of boundaries. Maliciously or innocently, James also likes to try new things without asking, especially if it's in the gray zone of "allowed." That approach can really pay off..."Oh, I thought that rule only applied when XYZ. Oh well, I'll know for next time." It kinda stresses me out. I've had recurring nightmares for years where James ignores my rules and my pleas. I ask him to stop repeatedly in bigger and louder ways and he doesn't stop, even when it's for his own safety. I often wake up from those dreams in tears. 

The hard feelings around the movie and the water bottle have since dissolved, but the emotional roller coaster undercurrent remains. I can chalk some of it up to adolescent hormones (Robert got really volatile at this age), some to the reality of living with anxiety/depression, and some to the fact that Matthew doing better means the other kids finally feel safe sharing some of their own struggles. 

James is doing really well with his personal goals. He works and works on them, even when he doesn't want to. He cannot wait for school to end. He knows he'll be bored over the summer, but he also knows we've got several things planned to break up the boredom a bit.

Matthew is feeling more stress as year-end assignments and projects come due, but he's also coping pretty well. Really well, actually, compared to what it was only a couple months ago. He decided that he would like to try and do homework again. He asked to do it at the library so he could keep his "school mode" on and delay his "home mode". We've done that a couple times already and it's been REALLY successful. Unbelievable, to be honest. I had pretty much given up on homework at home before this. 

As for me, this is the first May in a long time that I'm not dreading the last day of school. Kinda weird. I'm trying to parse out why, but it's not coming easily. I've recently made HUGE progress on my bike refurbishing goal. I've had energy to serve at church and in my community. My garden is underway. The chickens are much, much larger and Nova seems less intent on murdering them. With Erin, I get out to exercise regularly. For my church calling, the hardest part of the year is over and now there's a lull through the summer months. By the end of this calendar year, I'll be done with my 50 states cycling goal. At that point, it's just 7 years until Matthew graduates from high school and we go on our first mission for the church. So, my goals for those 7 years will be pretty intense and specific...bike work, physical health, spiritual growth, larger scale farming, foreign language proficiency, perhaps training as an electrician...not sure what 4 adult kids will be needing from me, so I'll try to remain flexible there.

Bobby is chugging along. He gets up really early to take Robert to seminary, unloads the dishwasher, exercises several times a week, works and works all day, makes dinner for the family, and then goes to bed early. Every once in a while there's a really bad day at work, or his digestive issues flare up and make him miserable, but most of the time he is just doing his own thing at his own pace and making things happen. On Sundays that he's not assigned to speak as a high councilor in another ward/branch, he manages Matthew and James so that I can attend all of Sacrament Meeting in person. If/When I overschedule myself, or there's a medical issue with one of the kids, Bobby works from home to support me. He's started working with the kids on their personal goals, too. It's a huge relief to have someone else do the emotional labor of following up and following through with the kids.

Altogether, it feels like a grind to the end. Almost there...and then what?!