A Lesson About Matthew

Robert and James left for Youth Conference this morning. They'll be spending the next couple of days in Kirtland, Ohio. Once Bobby left for work, it was just me and Matthew at home. I went to the gym with Erin, took Matthew to therapy, made lunch for the two of us, then we headed out to run some errands. Matthew was in a pretty good mood all day, except, he had a low point. We were driving to our next destination and Matthew tried to whistle. He couldn't get any sound to come out. He has tried to whistle off and on for years. No luck. Then he tried rolling his R's and remembered how hard that is for him, too. Last semester in Spanish class, he FINALLY got his tongue to cooperate, but it takes a lot of effort and doesn't produce much sound. It's not anything he could use in a real word, anyway.

That's when he got sad. He said that everyone he knows can do one or both of those things without trying very hard at all. He said that's what it feels like in a LOT of things. He hasn't found a single thing that he's good at without having to work harder than everyone else at it. Then he slumped down in his seat and asked to go home. He said he was feeling stressed. These thoughts had triggered his anxiety.

I then remembered something from this morning. Matthew woke up frustrated and angry. He said he had just had a nightmare where he was winning a race, but eventually came in dead last. 

Being behind/last is one of Matthew's nightmares. I finally made the connection! He's always catching up in some form every day of his life...

--Baby of the family, the last to reach every milestone

--Spelling, multiplication, and multi-step projects take 100x longer for him than for other kids in his class

--Anxiety causes him to miss out on church functions and social events, so he never really knows what's going on

I assured him that he needs more time than the other kids but he's just as capable as them. Taking more time won't make any difference in the end. He has everything he needs to be successful in life.

He wasn't comforted. It still feels like constantly catching up. 

Thankfully, we had three more stops before we were done with our errands. Matthew didn't feel like going into the first store with me, but by the time I got back, he was giggling and doing something sneaky with my phone. 

(He had set a reminder every year that contained a bucket load of unicorns, rainbows, and other such froofiness. Goofy kid.)

Next, we dropped off a bike and picked up two more from Salt and Light. I love it when there are bikes to pick up!

Our last stop was the grocery store. It was hot today. Crazy hot. Mid-90s and humid. UGH! I wanted something cold and sweet and Matthew readily agreed. Better yet, we wouldn't have to share any of it with Robert or James! So, we picked out a few frozen treats (and a package of cinnamon rolls from the bakery *cough*) and took them home. Matthew spent the rest of the day in a great mood.

Y'know, car rides have created the most remarkable opportunities for real conversations with my kids. Each one. Yesterday, with James, we talked about something that has been really hard for him/us. He spoke candidly and we made a plan together. As we walked away from the car, he said he was really glad that he could talk to me about things that he couldn't talk to other people about. 

I was glad to get this peek into Matthew's mind today. Unfortunately, I don't have any answers for him. I don't know what it's like to struggle with spelling, math facts, and his degree of anxiety. I wish I could give him a broader perspective, though, and the faith I have that his work will be rewarded. These last couple of decades have changed my feelings about work. You do the work that creates the outcomes you care about. Nothing is achieved without work, and 99% of work is inconvenient, tedious, and taxing in some way. Eventually, though, you create what you were working towards: a beautiful garden, greater faith in God, 2500 miles of bike rides across the country, meaningful relationships with people I love, a strong body, and a new skill or two.

I'm rooting for you, Matthew!