Just Too Much

I hit another rough patch with this summer thing. I go and go and go all day doing fun things, planning the next fun things, cleaning up from the last fun thing, and bouncing kids to and from all their activities. We're checking off all kinds of lists: summer reading programs, mom time, regular physical activity, healthy meals, regular family scripture study and prayer, keeping up with the kids' chores, and cramming in all the usual fun summer things like chasing fireflies, putting a slip-n-slide in the front yard, gardening, grilling, making blanket forts, touring around with out-of-town guests, and spending lots of time together.

So why am I unhappy?! Why do I feel like I suddenly stink at this mom-of-four thing? Why do I feel my energy drained the moment I wake up in the morning? Why am I begging for summer to be over?

Is it because I don't like my kids anymore?

Well, I don't like their bickering. And sometimes they drive me crazy as they're still figuring out needs from wants and rights from privileges and they are constantly toeing that fine line between being honest and being mean.

(Especially Robert lately. I am not fond of this phase. Sleepaway summer camp sounds SO good right now. I might even ship him off to his grandparents' if they weren't both serving missions at the moment.)

*sigh*

But that's growing up. That's parenting. I signed up for that. Those life skills are stinking hard to learn, and not very fun, but I do love to see my kids figuring this out. It's just a lot to take on all four kids going through their own life stages simultaneously.

There are things I observed and loved this week about each child. And I could easily wax sentimental about how I love them in general. I think I'm good in the "loving my kids" department. Do I like them, though? Hm...yeah. I think I do. I'd like them more, though, if I didn't have to play referee as often ;)

So then, am I unhappy because we're over scheduled?

Perhaps.

No, very possible.

No, if I'm being honest with myself, over scheduling is probably the majority of my difficulty. Over scheduling PLUS the concomitant lack of sleep. There's currently no space in the day for all the things in life that don't normally get scheduled: housekeeping, making dinner, downtime, spontaneous outings, and RECHARGE activities. Oh, how I need recharge time.

My recharge activities are typically: working on the farm, blogging, bringing order to physical disorder, pulling weeds, walking/talking/connecting with a friend, a giant pile of cooked veggies to eat for lunch/dinner, and being alone in my own house to work on projects of my choosing.

I've also realized that I'm happier with unstructured time between scheduled activities. Ebb and flow. My lists are endless, the kids' demands are endless, but I can manage it all better when it comes in waves instead of fire hose force.

So, what will I do? How can I bring these recharging activities back into my life with 4 kids at home? I look at my calendar and think, "What can I possibly cut?!"

I think it starts with recognizing when I'm spending more energy than I have. And allowing my kids to get bored or my to-do list to get longer while I pulls weeds or walk with a friend or post some pictures to the blog.

Speaking of which, here is a whirlwind tour of the last little while:

Slip-n-Slide

Enormous bubbles

More enormous bubbles

Blanket fort #3. They slept in this one, or a variation thereof, for almost a week.

Touring with out-of-town guests. We spent the night in a nautical-themed tree house in the middle of a 10-acre forest about 10 minutes from Nauvoo, IL. Pretty cool.

One of my favorite out-of-town guests: my sister Heather.

Summer schedules can be exhausting. I love that he fell asleep with his legs crossed.

 Very close to a giant pile of cooked veggies ;). This meal made me happy and I just had to take a picture of it. On the bottom is artisan bread, toasted, sporting a thin layer of goat cheese (yeah, it's worth the gut pain). Then a layer of sauteed shiitake mushrooms (thyme, olive oil, white wine, broth), and topped with runny-yolked fried eggs and browned zucchini. It's the perfect blend of tastes and textures that just pushes all of my buttons. Dude. I love this.

I'm glad I sorted this out a bit. And I have a plan to make things better. Not a moment too soon, either. The kids have been out of school for a month. Two months to go.

Thanks

Two days later, I'm feeling a little more balanced than before.

Alice and Robert helped me figure out where the day started to go wrong, and we worked out some ways to prevent that in the future. The kids didn't want to break me. They took no joy in it. And they were interested in avoiding it in the future, too :)

Thanks to those of you who offered support/encouragement. I'm so dang lucky to have friends and family who can empathize/encourage in situations with these without a hint of pity or self-righteousness. I love you for that.

Back to the grind I go!

Summer Honeymoon is Over!

The kids broke me today.

Broke me like...I had started making dinner, and then suddenly I wanted to run away forever. The whole day of this and that and the other thing weighing/stressing/pulling on me (almost always incidents with kids) culminated in a wooden sword fight where Robert hurt James, which triggered an aggressive retaliation, which led to much wailing and screaming and so many tears. Tears for the pain. Tears for the perceived injustice of it all. James ran instantly to his room, climbed into his loft bed, and pulled the covers over his face. Robert crumpled dramatically to the floor, grasping the wounded hand, screaming up towards his ceiling with his eyes squinched shut.

All I could do was quietly close their doors on them and grab my phone to call Bobby. He would come home and I could leave before I did something I would regret.

Then I saw it was 5pm...he would be home soon anyway...I could lock myself in my room and read my book until he got back, but that hasn't fared well for me in the past. No, I had to buck up and finish making dinner. I didn't get to quit today.

I did reach out to a friend, though. I just had to tell SOMEONE that I was done with this mom thing. Someone who would get right back to me that moment. But I soon realized that I had no room to complain...she had just endured a painful and incapacitating round of bronchitis while on a 2-week road trip and camping trip with her family of 6 kids. She was only a 9-hour drive from home (compared to 30 hours one way), but it would take 24 hours to complete that last leg for one reason or another.

So, I couldn't quit. But it could certainly be worse. I would therefore make dinner and endure the rest of the evening, promising myself that I would do what it took to recharge after the kids went to bed.

And that's where I am now.

Coping.

And I'm going to bed at 8:30pm. I need it.

I will end with this odd picture of me, though, and the story behind it...

I was ripping out high tunnel tomato plants at the end of the season on the farm last year. I usually carried my phone in my breast pocket so I could hear my podcasts and alarms without earbuds. Well, I had an enormous armload of plants that I was dragging out of the high tunnel when heard a soft "thud" in the dirt behind me. It was my phone, but I couldn't get to it right away. I finished taking out the plants and came back for it. Apparently, the phone's fall had turned on the camera AND somehow got it to start taking pictures in rapid succession. So, this picture is one of the last in a series that shows just the high tunnel ceiling, then my little head getting closer and closer with a gloved hand reaching down towards the lens. It made me laugh.

First Talk

Alice gave her first talk in Sacrament Meeting today! She looked confident. She kept her cool. She smiled out of nervousness, but her words were her own and they came naturally. I'm incredibly impressed with her.

Way to keep it together, girlie!

Also, I was quite surprised by her preparation of the talk, too. She didn't freak out. She asked Bobby to help at first. He got her started and showed her a couple conference talks online that she could study from. Then she sat down and did it. Plowed right through. No whining, complaining, wailing, gnashing of teeth, bartering, begging, pleading, stomping...nothing. Bam. She's been writing her own talks for several years already, but this was the first one she's had to give in front of adults. And she nailed it: genuine, confident, and real.

I'm so impressed with this girl.

And I get stuck deciding how to express these feelings to her. I should just say what I feel, right? That gets me in trouble sometimes. Alice takes verbal praise very seriously. She remembers details about it forever. She absorbs it instantly into her identity. For example, she won't think, "I gave a great talk," she'll think, "I'm a person who gives great talks." Which ramps up her expectations for next time and stresses her out all the more. What if the next talk isn't great? It triggers an identity crisis and she redefines herself, "I'm someone who doesn't always give great talks." I've tried to head this off in the past by selecting my words carefully and framing all of our family and individual discussions about learning/failing/trying within the "growth mindset": "Growth mindset is based on the belief that your basic qualities are things you can cultivate through your efforts." ("Mindset: the New Psychology of Success", Carol Dweck) But I always worry that what I say will be remembered forever in the wrong way. Ugh.

Another concern I have is that I don't want my praise to be the only reason she pursues something. Especially in spiritual matters. Especially in a gospel that asks so much from its members.

But I do want her to know that she's asking good questions and experimenting on the word and learning from her mistakes and successes, slowly building a foundation of experiences that will shape her future decisions. She's tackling this growing up thing like a champ!

I guess I can tell her that :)

So Much Summer

I was totally freaking out about this summer driving me nuts. Remember? And while it's been busy and loud and exhausting in its own way, it's also been one of my favorite summers to date.

Why? We're doing fun things the kids are actually excited about. All the kids are old enough and close enough in age that there are several activities they can all enjoy at the same time (pool, library, lunch at a burger joint, walk in the park). And summer is young enough that the kids still remember school's rigorous schedule and demands. They still feel free.

And the weather has been unseasonably cool and dry. Perfect for being outdoors.

What have we been doing? Every day feels like a whirlwind of noise, coercion, feeding people, constant conversation, household mess, and go go go. But it's fun. How can that be?!

Alice has been baking and experimenting with fondant.

James and Matthew have spent TONS of time outside. Here is our friendly backyard toad. I'm pretty sure they keep catching the same one over and over again.

We are experimenting with a new set of chores. The kids make bigger messes now and they are much more capable of contributing to the upkeep of the house. New chores are more fun than the old ones. They also involve new tools, like the vacuum, which James and Matthew find hilariously entertaining in its own right.

We've been to our local libraries several times already. All the kids have signed up for the summer reading programs and the older two have already completed their hours. This is a picture of Matthew using his hard-earned screen time at the library instead of at home. He's asked several times to try one of their iPads. Robert and James helped him navigate it while I picked up another boatload of books for reading at home.

We checked out a new-to-us park while Alice attended her babysitting class nearby.

James, Matthew, and I attended a free fishing clinic. All catch and release. The instructor provided everything. The fish were biting real well that morning, and the boys were catching fish within seconds of casting in their lines. Every time. For two whole hours. James couldn't get enough of it.

Matthew got a little bored with all the action. He has NO idea how long people usually have to wait to catch fish.

We've been doing a lot of yard work. James has been an excellent help this year. Together, we protected the cherries and blueberries from birds, cut down a few unwanted tree volunteers (he took this one out himself with only a that single hand saw), harvested and ripped out the last of the strawberries and peas, weeded the garden and side yard, planted new perennials around the yard, and identified all sorts of wildlife. James has started a bug collection.

The kids have had a few "sleepovers" where they all sleep in the same room. The most recent one was in Alice's room...three kids on a twin bed. Holy moly.

Alice and Robert took a fencing camp. Here, Alice is on the left in the black leggings sparring with the only other girl in the camp. Alice had a lot of fun with this and would like to continue in fencing.

Here is Robert in all his fencing gear, hooked up to the cable for one of his bouts during the final tournament today. He had a lot of fun with it this week, too. He and Alice would talk and talk and talk about all the minute details of the camp and all the rules of fencing for hours. Hours! I watched 2 hours of their final tournament and I still can't really tell what earns you a point and what doesn't. Sheesh. It's complicated.

Happy campers. The three layers of gear gets pretty hot. They worked up a sweat.

Not all of us were so thrilled to watch so much fencing on the last day.

Matthew was struggling to care, too. I let him take pictures with my phone and he snapped this lovely selfie right up my nose. Enjoy!

We have something going every week all summer. And it's different every time. I've had terrible dreams every night for the last week about accidentally messing things up or losing something important or facing the consequences of poor decisions made in haste. I think my psyche hasn't found a new summer groove yet. I feel like I have a lot of plates spinning at once. I did it on purpose, of course, and I'm glad we get to try new things and visit people and spend so much time together building relationships. It's just very different from the school routine and I'm still adjusting. Loving it, but not feeling stable in it just yet.