First Talk

Alice gave her first talk in Sacrament Meeting today! She looked confident. She kept her cool. She smiled out of nervousness, but her words were her own and they came naturally. I'm incredibly impressed with her.

Way to keep it together, girlie!

Also, I was quite surprised by her preparation of the talk, too. She didn't freak out. She asked Bobby to help at first. He got her started and showed her a couple conference talks online that she could study from. Then she sat down and did it. Plowed right through. No whining, complaining, wailing, gnashing of teeth, bartering, begging, pleading, stomping...nothing. Bam. She's been writing her own talks for several years already, but this was the first one she's had to give in front of adults. And she nailed it: genuine, confident, and real.

I'm so impressed with this girl.

And I get stuck deciding how to express these feelings to her. I should just say what I feel, right? That gets me in trouble sometimes. Alice takes verbal praise very seriously. She remembers details about it forever. She absorbs it instantly into her identity. For example, she won't think, "I gave a great talk," she'll think, "I'm a person who gives great talks." Which ramps up her expectations for next time and stresses her out all the more. What if the next talk isn't great? It triggers an identity crisis and she redefines herself, "I'm someone who doesn't always give great talks." I've tried to head this off in the past by selecting my words carefully and framing all of our family and individual discussions about learning/failing/trying within the "growth mindset": "Growth mindset is based on the belief that your basic qualities are things you can cultivate through your efforts." ("Mindset: the New Psychology of Success", Carol Dweck) But I always worry that what I say will be remembered forever in the wrong way. Ugh.

Another concern I have is that I don't want my praise to be the only reason she pursues something. Especially in spiritual matters. Especially in a gospel that asks so much from its members.

But I do want her to know that she's asking good questions and experimenting on the word and learning from her mistakes and successes, slowly building a foundation of experiences that will shape her future decisions. She's tackling this growing up thing like a champ!

I guess I can tell her that :)