Lukas Update

Lukas sent me this after he read the last blog post :)

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LUKAS

German: Doing great with comprehension and speaking. Grammar needs some work but whose doesn’t. Working on the last few grammatical rules before there’s basically no more.

German Business: Comprehension is PERFECT. Or as perfect as it would be in English but this is business so… yeah. Connecting grammar rules into the assignments and conversations. Writing full paragraphs/emails in German with little to no corrections needed.

Speech: Super boring. Doing great in speeches, a little nervous but that’s normal. Done with 2 out of 4 speeches this year and currently working on number 3.

Ethics: Great understanding of topics, participates in discussions and brings up questions to further discuss with classmates.

Psych of Personality: So boring that it’s difficult to pay attention in class. But the material is so memorization based that it’s easy to just catch up on facts that are needed for memorization.

Forensics: A little behind, but only in my schedule which puts me three weeks ahead of the due dates. Fascinating material, but watches the videos on x.75 speed because the professor talks SO SLOWLY.

Extra Curricular/Free time: Reading a lot more, teaching myself Danish, playing Minecraft with Ian, sleeping

Friends: Doing great with my set group, making other new friends as well!

Now you’re updated on my life too!

Parent-Teacher Conferences March 2026

I'm writing this down here while it's still fresh on my mind:

JAMES

Science: participates really well, loves to tinker and think about the next step. Engaged, engaged, engaged. Great personality. Encouraged him to go to science summer camps at the U of I. When asked, they said he struggled with a few kids in the class, but he keeps his distance and is mature about it.

History: Engaged, engaged, engaged. She wishes she had more time to just sit and discuss history with him. Great questions, really thinking about the subject and its implications. Very active participant in class discussions. On written tests, he doesn't always answer in complete sentences, use correct grammar, or write as much detail as she asks for, so that hurts his overall grade.

ELA: agreement with the grammar issue, but she's seen a lot of improvement this trimester. Again, he's completely engaged and insightful every single class period. Active participant in discussions. This teacher is also with him during the lunch period. She says his usual lunch group started talking about things that he didn't want to participate in. He talked to them about it, talked to teachers about it, and ultimately decided to sit somewhere else for lunch. He wasn't the only one from that lunch group to split off. She said he handled it with incredible maturity. No drama.

French: he struggles with French grammar and doesn't always follow the written exam instructions, but he'll always work diligently on making corrections afterwards. He's an active and lively participant in class. When he reads out loud in French, she says it's like he's on stage. Lots of dramatics and artistry. She thinks he would benefit from more one-on-one instruction and taking the time to really understand the grammar. 

Math: this is currently the hardest unit of the year. James struggled at first, but now he's getting it. He's incredibly responsible, engaged, and tuned in during class. He uses his time effectively, listens to the teacher's pointers, and incorporates those tips into his work. 

Art, PE, Music, Dance, Drama...these teachers weren't part of the Parent-Teacher Conferences.

MATTHEW

Math: he gets the math concepts, he just needs significantly more time to complete the assignments. He's taken 3 standardized math tests this year so far. In the first two, he earned the EXACT same below-grade score: mid-4th grade. That kind of surprised his teachers because he didn't struggle with comprehension. On the most recent one from a few weeks ago, he scored mid-6th grade level. It took an extra hour to complete the exam, but she feels it's a better representation of his understanding.

ELA: standardized tests for his grade max out at mid-8th grade level, and he's been hitting that consistently for reading and comprehension. Handwriting, spelling, grammar, and punctuation are still a struggle, but his teachers have seen some improvement this trimester. His once-a-week tutoring with one of his teachers has been a great help keeping him caught up on his work in every subject. She says he doesn't need much "tutoring" per se, because he understands the tasks and follows the instructions well, but he gets a lot done with her there. When he's mostly caught up, he's less anxious, and he can do more.

Social Studies: this is more of a discussion-based subject compared to the other two. Matthew is consistently one of the most involved students in these discussions. His teacher has found Matthew's depth of empathy and compassion remarkable. Matthew said recently that social studies has become one of his favorite subjects. 

Both of his teachers mentioned that Matthew's difficulties with school aren't intentional/lazy or any sort of intellectual issue. He just needs more time to do everything. He'd rather turn in an incomplete project on time than ask for a later deadline, even though he's worked on it consistently and knows exactly what's missing.

I asked about 6th grade next year...which math track would be a better fit, if they knew of any tutoring options, tips for transitioning...

We all agreed that while he was technically capable of the higher level math class, he would probably do better in the regular grade-level math that works at a slightly more relaxed pace. 

His current teacher and tutor said she would be willing to continue as his tutor next year. I almost cried on the spot. There are so few things that other people can do to help Matthew directly (and therefore relieve some of the pressure/weight on me/us). This woman can help. It's just an hour of her week keeping a kid on-task, but it's an enormous relief and blessing to ALL of us. I don't think she understands how important she is to me in particular.  

As for Matthew's transition to middle school, it'll be kinda rough, like with most kids, but he's got a few things working in his favor. First off, it's the same exact same school and half of his teachers will be the same ones he's already seeing for specials. Second, he already has friends and extracurricular activities he loves. Third, I know the 6th grade core teachers and they're great. Finally, he's got a big brother in middle school who has gone through this and can commiserate. He'll be alright.

Both of his teachers have noticed a change since Matthew started taking the higher dose of ADHD meds. He asks his ELA teacher clarifying questions more often. He seems to get more done in class, too. So, it's not a miracle cure, but it's progress.

I didn't get to speak with any of the "specials" teachers. 

I did meet with Matthew's psychiatrist this morning. We talked about his progress and what more can be done. We tweaked his med regimen just a bit, too. I asked about addiction/dependency on these ADHD meds. He likened it to wearing glasses. Is that a dependency? He reminded me that Matthew's brain is still developing. Medication now helps him refocus his attention on positive neural pathways and practice putting aside the anxious ones. The less time he spends on the anxious ones, the weaker they will get. The more time he spends on pursuing other rewarding behaviors, the stronger those will get. Will he ever go off of the medications entirely? No clue. But that's not the goal right now. 

Time. 

Patience. 

More time. 

More patience. 

I got this.

Good things

Robert's happiness has improved SIGNIFICANTLY over the last 6 weeks. He's making progress on all sorts of personal goals...strength training, driving, schooling. He has a sense of humor at home. He's patient with the boys' noise. He's even offered his friend a ride in our car with me. More than once. We've developed a new pattern of communication. It's been a while since his last prolonged discussion/argument with me over painful minutae. Yesterday, he even said, "I'm glad you're my mom AND my friend." I asked him what the "friend" part entailed. He said the "mom" part is all the stuff I have to do for him, and the friend part is all the other things like chatting about health/nutrition, joking back and forth, and the tiny acts of kindness/service I do just because I know it matters to him. I think I just figured out Robert's love language. 

Matthew has experienced a series of good moments, too. I'm recording them here for a couple of reasons. First, when all this anxiety is sorted out in the future, I don't want to forget how hard it was and how beautiful small moments like these could feel. Second, if this is a turn for the better, I want to document when it started.

1) We had an honest discussion with his psychiatrist where Matthew and I finally felt heard. Matthew even opened up a little. Our current hypothesis about Matthew's anxiety is 2-fold. First, he's anxious about everything, but especially anxious about things that are difficult for him. Second, he's genuinely riddled with guilt about being anxious about these things that are difficult for him. So, he avoids things out of anxiety, then feels guilty about it, which makes him want to avoid it even more, which leads to more guilt/avoidance/anxiety, etc. His doctor recommended sit-down dinners with the family and ice cream in the shower. It makes sense in context, I promise. 

2) It's the Sunday before school starts, 8am. Church is now at 9am (instead of 12pm), and Matthew just realizes both facts. Cue the paralyzing anxiety and guilt! He hasn't been to church in a few weeks. I remind myself that he's already beating himself up about not being able to go to church. I ask him how far he feels he can go today, and throw out a few scenarios: get dressed and sit in the chapel? get dressed and sit in the foyer? sit in the foyer in play clothes? sit in the foyer in play clothes with the tablet? So on and so forth. He decides that he can sit in the car with me while we watch Sacrament Meeting on Zoom, and I can run into the foyer for the Sacrament itself. He was actually giddy about it. He has his limits, but he hates that his limits prevent us from doing what others need/want to do. So, in this scenario, I get to attend my meeting, take the Sacrament, and he listens stress-free. That's as close as we've gotten in a long time.

3) It's Monday morning, the first day back at school after the winter break. Matthew is in a crazy good mood. I keep bracing for it to fail, but it lasts. It lasts through to the moment in the car when he picks up his backpack to leave...and it's dripping wet, all over his clothes. His lunch drink had leaked everywhere. Cue the screaming, frustration, and disappointment. There are a few desperate moments when I think I can pull this together in the drop-off line, but no. Matthew needs to change his clothes. I turn back home. Matthew is completely freaking out in his seat. Two minutes later, he's quieter. Two minutes later, he recognizes that this is a special case where being late is out of our control and his teachers will obviously recognize that. A minute later, he's digging through his lunchbox calmly assessing the damage. It's not that bad. At home, he changes clothes, then we assess the damage throughout the rest of his backpack. Some important papers get wet, but he asks me to write a note explaining the situation (just so they didn't think he was eating/drinking sloppily while doing his work) and he's happy with it. He's fine with a new backpack for the day. He's in a good mood and making jokes on the way back to school. He gets out of the car and waves goodbye.

4) It's Monday evening. I'm 15 minutes late picking them up from archery practice, and Matthew is fine. They give me a raised eyebrow and tease me a little, but that's it. Matthew even tells me he did his homework during the downtime. Who is this kid?! 

5) It's Tuesday morning. We are just about to leave for school when Matthew remembers he didn't do ALL of his homework after all. I brace for impact. The kid asks for a pencil and calmly finishes his work in the car on the way to school. There's one more thing he has to do on the computer, so that can't be finished now, but he says, "It's okay, my teachers will understand." 

Writing these situations out, they seem so trivial and mundane. These are things that normal kids do all the time, right? We get five normal moments in two days and I'm blogging about it! I might even cry.

Family Photo

Really bad day

After a full day of fun on Saturday (see Winter Fun post), Matthew somehow crashed in the early evening into a stress episode that lasted 2 full days. These were 2 very hard days. 

He barely ate

He couldn't get dressed on his own

He couldn't go to church

He couldn't spend time with the family

He didn't sleep well

The first evening of this, I was so wrung-out and exhausted that I crawled into bed at 7pm and willed myself to sleep.

The next morning was one of the worst in a while. A minor disappointment triggered a terrified, angry, screaming Hulk attack. I literally had to dress his screaming little body and half-carry him to the car. I knew that if I could get him to school, he could reset. He sobbed the whole way up to his classroom saying that he couldn't do this. He sobbed loudly outside his classroom door saying that he couldn't do this. His classmates watched, but fortunately for us, another classmate had just thrown up all over the floor, so the class' attention was divided. They may never remember Matthew's episode. He had me walk with him to the closet to put his jacket away and pull out his workbooks. He was still crying as he went to his table. I turned and left. 

It's periods like these that I want to crawl into bed and disappear. I lose my desire to do anything but fall asleep and escape the weight of this fear and ignorance. I don't know what to do. Bobby doesn't know what to do. We're just getting through episodes like this one hour at a time. 

Sometimes I think about how great it would be to not to have to deal with this...like if I died or ran away somehow. These are not serious thoughts, of course. I'm in no danger of self-harm or abandoning my family. All I have to do is imagine what either of those things would do to these people I love and that hurts more than anything. So, I tell myself that things will change. I lock in to self-care: prayer, scripture study, personal hygiene, time with friends, and exercise. Kids grow up. Medication and therapy eventually work. Prayer and faith carry me. We do have good days, and these bad days don't last forever.

Matthew did fine at school. He struggled in the evening, putting himself to bed at 7pm. He woke up this morning happy and lovely. No problems. Cheerful, excited for this, that, and the other thing. Getting ready for school was easy. Dropping him off was easy. 

We did NOTHING differently. Nothing. 

And I feel better.