We have LOVED having Erin come hang out with us for a few days this Halloween weekend. So many favorite parts, but one moment in particular made my heart skip a beat. Alice and her friends had just finished performing their play. The girls were all over the place playing and having fun, but Alice was snuggled right up to Erin having the time of her life. Her friends even came over and asked Alice to come play, but Alice just smiled and said, "No thanks, I want to be with Erin." Yeah, that's love.
We. love. Erin.
I will tell the tales of our grand adventures in another post, however, since tonight I'm pondering something kinda tricky and I'm seeking a place to think it out.
Erin, Bobby, Alice and Robert just spent a couple hours working on a 3-D puzzle of Earth. No small task. They weren't done by bedtime, so it's sitting on the counter in the kitchen...two mostly-done portions, and an assortment of blue ocean pieces left to connect the continents together. I see it there and immediately think of two things:
1) If James gets up tomorrow morning before everyone else, which he usually does, and discovers this treasure, he will likely destroy it.
2) If James destroys it, how upset will the kids be? Is this a good time to allow such a learning experience? Do I have the energy to work the family through another learning experience, or should I just hide the puzzle away before James even has a chance to mess with it?
This is only one example of the same decision I end up making a hundred times a day. I see situations all day that offer James the opportunity to tinker/pester/tease/disrupt something that's important to another child.
One part of me sees these situations as learning opportunities for James and his siblings. He (hopefully) practices self-control and learns to respect other people's property, and they (hopefully) practice forgiveness and learn to take better care of their things. This side of me pushes to leave the situation as it is and deal with whatever choice James makes. It's wrong to assume that he's always going to choose the destructive/disruptive path, right? It would be nice to see objective data on this. I wish I could quantify it in some meaningful way.
The other part of me sees these situations as a sting operation. Like I'm baiting James with irresistible temptations and then punishing him for it. This side of me wants to remove the item or change the circumstances. It assumes that James will hurt his siblings whenever he thinks he can get away with it. This side also offers me relief from having to deal with the aftermath (i.e. discipline, comforting the victim, working everyone through reparations).
So, most often, I will weigh the perceived risks against the perceived benefits. If it's an item of little worth and the victim won't be THAT upset about it, then I will leave it for James to (probably) destroy.
Is that wrong? I would LOVE to find a way to stop James from doing it at all. Suggestions welcome. Right now, I can't keep everything safe all the time. I purposely sacrifice the things with the smallest value.
The middle ground here is leaving things out, but being present enough to intervene early if James makes the destructive choice. That isn't 100% possible, either.
ARGH! Wish this were easier. Not much closer to a consistent game plan, but I'm feeling like I should put the puzzle away tonight. I'll do that now.
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Not having multiple kids myself, I have limited perspective on this, but I say good for you for putting the puzzle away! Some things seem like fair game (like if somebody leaves something out that more obviously should have been put away, and - as you said - smaller value), but something like a big puzzle seems like the kind of thing that would make sense to leave it out until it's done. I see your dilemma! Good luck.
ReplyDeleteI think there are enough spontaneous opportunities that arise during the day to experience the give and take, repentance and forgiveness. I would put away the puzzle.
ReplyDeleteI am SO glad for your family and for Erin to have the time to be together! There is a lot of love there.