Bad Day

Today was an unusually bad anxiety day for me. I felt sick to my stomach and my mind was scared, on-edge, and irritable. Peaks of anxiety came and went again and again at even small things like doors opening or my phone getting a text message or Bobby clearing his throat. The anxiety starts in the middle of my abdomen, spreads out into a flush of heat all over my body that makes me sweat, my heart rate and blood pressure go up, my respiration increases, and my mind is just filled with fear. Fear of everything and nothing. Then my gut hurts a little worse and I feel the urge to use the bathroom, but I know from experience that nothing will come. The worst of the wave lasts for 20 seconds or so, but it never really goes away entirely. It's exhausting. It makes me pretty tired. 

I forced myself to move around the house this morning, tidying things. I forced myself to make a grocery order, even though everything on the list made the nausea feel worse. I forced myself to attend Jury Duty Orientation online. I forced myself to load the dishwasher. I forced myself to get dressed, brush my hair, put in contacts, and brush my teeth. I didn't have to force myself to read scriptures and pray, though, that is often the only piece of my morning routine that brings relief. But by 10am, I was completely wasted. I spent the rest of the school day on the couch drifting in and out of consciousness. By 3pm, I could be functional for the kids. We buried Matthew's pet chicken, Pecky Coconut, who had died in her sleep the night before. Everyone took that news pretty well. I helped Matthew practice the piano. He and I played Battleship. I took some of the kids to Curtis Orchard to pick up fresh cider and apple cider doughnuts for our Monday Night Fun activity tonight. After dinner, we used Bobby's new Dremel to carve out a wooden headstone for Pecky's grave.

Right now, I feel totally normal. Somewhere between the dinner bell and my bedtime, the nausea and anxiety tend to dissipate. I can smile again. Some days, the anxiety lifts earlier. One day, it didn't lift at all. 

In the midst of the anxiety today, I saw myself lying on the couch and it was very, very easy to get discouraged. It felt like things would never change. My mind swung from terror to utter despair to watchful vigilance to the cusp of a deep, deep depression. I pulled myself away from the edge with this phrase, "It's just the anxiety making you feel this way." And that's true. I am so blessed that my evenings are almost anxiety-free because I can point to the night before and say, "I felt normal then. I will feel normal again."

I'm blessed to have a supportive ward family. My ministering sister has begun visiting me every week through this period of anxiety. She checks up on me and genuinely cares for me. We had a ministering visit from Brother Miller on Sunday and that was a real spiritual boost for me, too.

So much has happened over the last month and I have not felt well enough to record any of it here. I'll throw a few headlines out there now and maybe I'll get around to telling the whole story another time.

Two kids cut their hair significantly shorter and my hair has never been longer.

Robert tested into a 7th grade math class and decided to make the move up once he learned his friends would be doing it, too. 

James has grown a lot taller and thinner.

Matthew STILL hasn't lost any baby teeth. Not a single wiggle. 

I was released from the Primary Presidency last week. No new calling yet. The bishopric member who released me said that the bishopric is considering me for several callings, but the Lord hasn't made it clear yet that any of them are the right fit. I'm okay with a break, when I'm not in the thick of my anxiety. My mind comes up with all sorts of worst case reasons when it's blinded by anxiety. I can't begin to tell you how much I've had to rely on faith and hope these last few weeks. 

I had to back out of a couple 50-mile bike rides with my friend Rachel this month, but she was able to find a new partner last-minute. Yay! I'll be a couple states behind on our "50 miles, 50 states, by age 50" goal. Sigh. Thankfully, I've got a couple extra years than Rachel does to accomplish it ;)

Robert looks forward to school every day. Middle school makes him feel so grown up. He officially large enough to sit in the front seat safely. It won't be much longer before he's our tallest child, though James will surely give him a run for his money.

Seminary is way better now than when I was taking it in 9th grade. 

I love Bobby. He works so hard for us. He takes his responsibilities as husband and father very seriously. It's too easy to take him for granted when things are going well. When things have been so hard, though, I realize that I don't get on very well physically, spiritually, or mentally without him. And that's not just the anxiety talking. I am grateful for Bobby. So glad to be sealed to him for eternity. I'm doing my best to make sure it stays that way.