Anxiety Echo

The initial depression I was feeling when I wrote the entry "5 Things" has grown into an anxiety flare-up. Alex came out to us just before my birthday last year. That was really hard. So, I guess having my birthday and preparing for the new school year cued my body to remember the intense emotions and stress of last summer. That couple days of mild depression sharpened into tension/fear upon waking and then the unrelenting emotional "buzz" in my brain/body that "something is wrong, something is wrong, you don't know what it is but it's scary and real and coming any second." 

Thankfully, the buzz has remained largely in the background. It hasn't been too terribly difficult to make myself do the things I need to do. Cutting out gluten has helped with the nausea and the meds are clearly helping with mood regulation. When I think of something that would normally send a wave of panic throughout my body, there's nothing. I have a chance to back away from it. Such a relief.

I was thinking a couple weeks ago that the anxiety was so well controlled that I might want to try and cut back on the second medication my doctor prescribed last year. I'm glad I talked myself out of that. 

I feel like the anxiety echo has plateaued for now. Some days are better than others, of course, and it makes me sleepy, but it's okay for now. 

This last weekend, I got to fly to Houston as part of an 80th birthday surprise for my mom. More about this later. It was a GREAT trip. The anxiety was present, but manageable. I wasn't anxious about flying. At all. That's not how my anxiety works. My anxiety springs from the feelings that I am 1) personally responsible for others' happiness and 2) obliged to meet others' expectations of me. Traveling to Houston is easy peasy compared to that! My calming mantra goes something like this: 

"I am not responsible for making so-and-so have a good time."

"I don't have to sparkle. I am enough just the way I am."

"I don't need to cure/solve all hurt or injustice. Supporting someone through it is enough."

As I say these things to myself, I imagine the weight of those burdens lifting and floating away.

My physical calming routine includes a good, deep breath followed by a deliberate unclenching of all the muscles in my body. Especially my jaw and shoulders.

I have a specific list of self-care tasks that I force myself to do every morning (take morning meds, eat breakfast, use the bathroom, get dressed, wash my face, put in contacts, brush teeth, floss, read scriptures, and pray) and bedtime (put on pajamas, take evening meds, wash face, brush teeth, take out contacts, use the bathroom, and pray).

These mantras and routines help me 1) manage my anxiety on a daily basis and 2) feel human during an anxiety flare-up.

So, while I'm not exactly comfortable today, I am okay. Who knows how I would be feeling today without those measures in place?!