School Year #11

This fall marks the 11th school year for me as a mom. Well, maybe the 13th if you count preschool.

Anyway, some school things are old hat and many of the things the older kids are going through are totally new. Nothing stays the same. Just when I get a handle on the current situation, it changes again, pretty much since the day Alex was born. So, I can't really get better at my job. I just get used to learning something new and hard all the time. Wheee!

When my anxiety "echo" started mid-to-late August, I initially thought it was solely due to Alex's coming out, but as the days went by, I realized that I was more anxious about my time at home without the kids than anything else. I felt an enormous weight to fill that time with something. What do I do with myself after years of spending myself on my kids? I didn't know what or how to choose. After much thought and conversation with friends and family, I realize that I was paralyzed with the expectation that this time should be used for something important and meaningful...the next chapter of my life...my new purpose as a human being on this planet.

I remember my first purpose in life was to get through K-12 so I could go to college.

My second purpose was to attend college and gain the education (and maybe spouse??) that would propel me into the adult world.

My third purpose, since the spouse thing worked out, was to grow and mature until I/we were ready for kids. Grad school filled that space nicely.

My fourth purpose was to be a mom to very young children. I dove in head first and gave it everything.

My fifth and current purpose is to be a mom to school-aged kids and teenagers. It's very different from the young children routine. Even with all 4 kids in full day school, my current purpose consumes 75-80% of my time and energy. I use that little bit of wiggle room to meet more of my own needs and focus on other relationships. I exercise more. I communicate with my mom and siblings more. I volunteer doing things I love. I clean the house more. I serve others more. 

And sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting around for my kids to grow up.

Is this a midlife crisis? 

And then I think of Alex with all that raw potential. He can go just about anywhere and do just about anything after high school. No one to worry about but himself, able to reinvent himself at any moment, try new things. My sister Heidi reminded me that this stage of life also comes with heaps of uncertainty. I didn't like that feeling back then. All I wanted was security. But now...immersed in security and control and comfort...

I'm getting antsy.

Deep down, I *want* to add something more to my life and do something totally different. I want to become a bike mechanic so I can fix my own bike. And a pharmacy technician who knows biochemistry and drug interactions. I want to ride the Great American Rail Trail. I want to spend a summer working at a lodge in Alaska with my sisters. And take a year to dig wells in Africa. I want to try a European river cruise. I want someone else in my family to learn massage therapy and practice on ME. I want to start a small-group guitar ensemble. And work at a farm plowing and mowing and weeding crops, caring for livestock.

None of these things fit into my 20-25% energy flexibility. Will they ever fit? Even with an empty nest? I am anchored to this place and these people. And this place and these people mean more to me than any of those other things.

So, what do I do? What is my next great purpose? What could possibly drive me forward from now to the end of my life?!

This must be a midlife crisis. 

Then I remembered something someone said about humans tending to reinvent themselves about every 7 years. I looked back at my life...the pattern works for me, anyway.

What would I like the next 7 years to be like? That's a lot less intimidating than choosing something to do until I die.

Maybe this coming 7 years can be the bike mechanic part? I've got 40 more states to ride in before I'm 50 and bike mechanic skills will come in reeeeeeeeal handy. Especially if I need to disassemble and reassemble my bike every time I fly to a riding location. 

And Heidi mentioned something else that made me happy. She told me about a retiree who worked for a temp agency. He was happily retired, but when he wanted a little extra cash for his next great adventure, he'd take on temp work. He'd earn what he wanted, quit, and go have fun. His work was a means to an end, not the end itself. 

What do I feel I need to have a full, happy, and meaningful life? It's not a job. But, maybe a job now and then will help me achieve the "rich" life I'm looking for. 

Still thinking about it.