This Worked...

...for now.

Matthew's paralyzing meltdowns seem to have lessened significantly over the last couple of weeks. He's a totally new kid: confident, funny, kinda snarky in playful ways, and about 50% more resilient to external stressors. That last one is especially important at home. When triggered by a distressing event/topic, Matthew has had smaller, less distressing anxiety episodes that we can talk through before they explode out of control.

One part of this change is clearly school. He finally feels safe! 

Another part of the change stems from something he discovered about himself. Towards the end of one meltdown last week, he recognized that routines were very, very important to his feeling secure and happy. He suggested we adopt a more structured bedtime routine to help him calm down for sleep. 

I raised an eyebrow.

"That sounds like a great idea. Let's try that," I replied. Then asked, "What happens if you're scared or sad during the routine and don't want to finish it?"

*deep breath* "Then remind me of this conversation and I'll finish the routine without complaining."

Well, heck! Sign me up. I immediately set to work on a very specific bedtime routine that addressed the most common problems we had been experiencing. One major trigger for Matthew is feeling rushed. Another big hangup is feeling like he's disappointed you or done something wrong. Even saying the words, "You haven't done anything wrong," suddenly puts the possibility of error into his head and can paralyze him for a short period of time. 

So, we always start on time, but the rest of the times are flexible. The order of the steps is the important part. One thing at a time. And it's very important not to skip any steps if we're a little later than usual or if the adults are feeling done. That's rushing. And that's him feeling like he's let you down. 

I can tell you that it's been in place 1 week and Matthew has managed to fall asleep on his own every night. Before this week, he had me or Bobby in there pretty much every night because he was too scared to fall asleep on his own. 

Even tonight, when a random fit of unnamed anxiety crippled him at 7:30pm (where do these come from?!), he gathered himself together after the worst had passed and we just moved on to the next step on the list. He needed one reminder a little later to give the next-to-last step the full 20 minutes, but fell asleep soon after. 

This has been a miracle. I just wanted to record it here as proof that something has made a difference. For now. Who knows how long it will last, but I'll gladly take it any time. 

The routine: