Anxiety Plan

Matthew is home sick today with a fever of 102F. Ibuprofen lowers it to something more reasonable, but he's still pretty much sleeping on the couch between beverage breaks. That forces me to slow down, cancel plans, and take a morning to blog.

I'm not gonna lie. Life at the Evans household is pretty intense right now. We're grappling with paralyzing anxiety, which takes some time to stabilize, especially in children. I'm leaning on some great advice a friend gave me about her own children, "The child is not the problem. The [XYZ] is the problem. Your child just needs to be loved and feel loved." 

It's kinda rough, adjusting some expectations that I thought were set in stone. I think that's the hardest part. I catch myself thinking, "Why can't my kid just [XYZ] like other kids? How can I fix it?!" 

Why can't they make friends?

Why can't they just go to class?

Why can't they adjust to unexpected changes in their schedule?

Why don't they have words for what they're feeling?

Why are they so anxious about something that 90% of their peers just take in stride?

Why is this such a big deal to them?

Why can't they just sit down and do it?

I've run into these frustrations so many times now that the sharp sting has turned into something of a constant, dull ache. It's more like, "Oh yeah, this again. Well, let's go." Am I worn down? Am I giving up? Or am I finally seeing things the way they really are? Maybe something in-between? It's really hard to tell on my end. 

Our current plan is a good one, but it will take some time to see results:

--We've got both boys in therapy and one on meds. They like therapy, but it's not a quick fix. It takes time to build habits and thinking patterns that allow a person as anxious as they are to self-regulate. Alex has come so far over the last 6 years! 

--Specific training and a support group for parents. Organizations like The Child Mind Institute, International OCD Foundation, Anxiety and Depression Association of America, and the American Academy of Child-Adolescent Psychiatry all offer education and training. A couple offer online support groups for parents. When I need to face difficult things, I find a little empathy goes a long way. 

--Anxiety/Depression meds are tricky in kids. The kids' brains are still developing and their bodies are constantly growing, so an effective dosage is a moving target. Sometimes the side effects are worse than the benefits. And sometimes the side effects are more anxiety! But, antidepressants can also be highly effective and make a big difference right away. We saw that in Matthew. 

--Patience. So much patience, recognizing that my own plans/schedules might be disrupted and it's not the end of the world.

--Prayer. So much prayer, seeking inspiration for the big picture and insight into the daily struggles. 

--Courage, knowing that my parenting strategies in these situations won't align with others' opinions on the matter, and still doing what I feel is best for my family. 

So, that's the plan for now. It's actually something of a relief to have Matthew down with a virus. A virus is easy. The kid feels miserable for a few days, but then it's over. Even if it triggers an asthmatic episode and pneumonia, that's something I know how to work with. I've done that a hundred times. Even if he doesn't sleep for three days. Even if I have to clean up vomit or diarrhea. Even if every other person in the house gets it in turn, it still comes to an end. Easy peasy. 

This anxiety stuff, though, is gonna take a whole lot more practice.  

A Few Pictures

Christmas morning, Alex brought out enormous rawhide treats for the dogs. Ruby, the little dog on the right, instantly went for the enormous one. Nova, on the left, leaped onto Alex to get to the smaller one. 

Alex created an enormous cake in the shape of a Dalek from the Dr. Who series.

Eleven layers of cake!

James just chillin' at the Ward Christmas Dinner.

Christmas Eve, Erin brought over matching dog sweaters for the pups. They left them on (yay!), and I'll be using that on Nova once the weather actually turns cold. 

Alex had some grad photos taken at the U of I Conservatory. This one is his favorite.

Nova found a spot of sun in the front room.

We traveled to Rockford for New Year's to spend time with Bobby's brother's family. We tried a new-to-us restaurant called Beef a Roo.

Fun at the natural history museum in Rockford.

A giant mosaic sculpture of a cicada just outside the natural history museum in Rockford.

Nova feeling lazy and playful all at once.

Our most recent family photo!

 

Merry Christmas!

The kids tell me this was a great Christmas this year. One of the best. I've been trying to pinpoint what exactly made it so special. James and Alex have told me several times that holidays and birthdays just aren't as fun as they used to be. The magic and excitement are gone. This year, though, the kids spent a lot more time thinking about and preparing Christmas for others. All the kids except Robert. More on that later. Alex, James, and Matthew took initiative in choosing gifts for family members. They put out the decorations and asked to do the activities that meant the most to them: putting up the tree, singing carols a capella in our living room, attending the ward Christmas party, planning Christmas meals/gifts/surprises for a friend in a nursing home and for the sister missionaries we love. My favorite part of this year was doing gifts and special things for people who had no expectation of that from us. Those folks were surprised and delighted and happy, like my kids used to be on Christmas when they were much, much younger. Alex noticed the change in tone, too, and said he'd like to make that surprise and delight a regular tradition.

Robert opted out of many things, but only because he didn't want to go through the effort of putting ornaments on a tree that he would have to take down in a couple weeks. He didn't want to sit and think about gifts for his siblings, either, so he opted out of those, too. He didn't want any responsibility for what we ate for dinner or for how we celebrated on Christmas Eve. I tooooooootally get that. It also makes me scratch my head a little. He wasn't a scrooge about it. He had fun and seemed to enjoy the experience. He just didn't want to do any work.

Here's a photo Erin took on Christmas Day after we loaded up the Sisters with gifts, treats, and leftovers:

Finally Feeling Something

It's been a long December. My life has been full to overflowing "doing things for" and "spending time with" the people (and pets) that I love.

The reality of middle-aged life with four kids in school, though, is that those things I do and the minutes I spend don't always come when I'm well-rested and ready. It's a school project that I didn't hear about until the night before. It's a long, emotionally-charged conversation after bedtime. It's sitting by a child taking two hours to finish one stinking word search worksheet. It's a child who just can't calm down to sleep. For hours. It's taking the kids on Nova's walks and on errands because they just want to spend time with me. It looks like getting all my winter gear on to work on bikes in the unheated garage...alone...and the kids opening the door every 10 seconds coming in and out, checking on me with a question or a request or some kind of crisis that requires my immediate attention in the house. Even Nova desperately wants to be in the garage with me, but doesn't like the cold, and will sit at the door with a puppy-dog sad face begging to be on the other side, regardless of whether she's already indoors or in the garage with me. 

Another stark reality in all of this "doing things for" and "spending time with" is that it's often very hard work. It's getting up at 6:30am on school days, no matter how late I was up the night before by choice or otherwise, keeping a calm and cheerful demeanor as I carefully shepherd kids through the morning routine. Matthew is extremely sensitive to negative emotion. He has several trigger words and situations that can lead to all-out meltdowns. I spend a lot of energy these mornings smoothing out relationship bumps, guiding the kids through minor disappointments, and acting playful, silly, and downright goofy just to distract Matthew and redirect his attention. Medication has helped him immensely, but we still experience the occasional meltdown crisis. Sometimes it's Matthew, sometimes it's James. When I hear one of those trigger words or situations, I emotionally gear up and lock down: rock-steady tone of voice, light conversational mood, and a steady stream of verbal reassurance until the crisis has resolved. I picked up the younger boys from school today and soon discovered myself hiding in the bathroom, anticipating an episode that might randomly occur at any moment. 

I am complaining. I am also fully aware that I like being important to these people and that I like seeing my efforts matter to them. Even when I'm feeling totally drained, there is almost always a little bit more to give in an emergency. 

Bobby's energy level has been low and unpredictable over the last several months. He's started going to bed at 8:30pm to give himself the best possible chance at functioning well the next day. That means I do the hardest bits of the bedtime routine on my own...smoothing contention, navigating Matthew's intense bedtime anxieties, and negotiating between 1) my need to be utterly alone and uninterrupted, 2) my desire to engage with an empathetic peer, and 3) the kids' needs/ wants. Lately, I've caught myself grumbling, "Why do *I* have to perform this particular family task/duty?" only to answer myself, "Because there's no one else right now." It's hard. I've had to lower some expectations. Nothing too egregious just yet. Ha!

With all this responsibility looming and then adding the sweetest, gentlest, quietest, and most affectionate dog to our household, there hasn't been any room for Christmas in my life. 

Until today. 

I just started feeling the Christmas spirit today. My mom mentioned her nativity and I decided that I wanted to put mine up this year. We haven't had a good/safe place to put it for years. I made a place, put all the pieces down in random order, and left it in disarray for one of my kids to discover and put together. I knew it would be James. I knew he would do it without a second thought, without even asking me, and enjoy himself immensely. I asked him to string more lights up in the front room for the same reasons. 

A few more things happened today to Chistmas-ify me a little more:

--Alex and Robert had their last day of school before winter break.

--Alex finished the Christmas Stocking shopping today. He picked up a couple extra stockings for the Sister Missionaries in our ward. James invited them to spend Christmas with us! James, of all people, invited non-family members to come into our home. Will miracles never cease? I've had fun collecting gifts for the Sisters to open on Christmas. Alex color coded and wrapped everything. We're also doing a tree and gifts for my friend who recently moved into a nursing home. That's been rewarding. 

--I made Lebkuchen. It's amazing. Not everyone is into dry, crumbly gingerbread cookies filled with plum jam and coated in dark chocolate, but I sure am. Soooo good. The first batch was a successful test case. Now I know how to make them just right. 

Unrelated to Christmas, I crunched more numbers looking at tuition and housing costs for universities that Alex has applied to. It's astounding. Even a state school nowadays costs 10x what I paid in 1997. I was able to pay for college with a partial scholarship, a part-time job, and a single small interest-free loan. Alex will need a whole lot more than that...the state college will cost $100,000 for tuition alone over 4 years. It's a daunting figure. Now comes the fun part where we move pieces around until we formulate a workable plan.

Tired Tonight

I'm tired, but I don't get much quiet alone time, so I wanted to write this while I could :)

It's Sunday night, Thanksgiving weekend. I'm on the living room couch with a computer on my lap. The whole house is dark except for the three little lights above the fireplace. It's quiet. Bobby is in bed after having sat with Matthew in his room until Matthew finally fell asleep. 

• Today was a really stressful day for Matthew. He desperately wants to meet folks' expectations of him and Fast Sunday is rife with land mines in that regard. He had a panic attack or two, a serious case of decision paralysis all day, and pretty much felt stressed every moment he wasn't actively playing or laughing with someone else. 

There's a telescope on a tripod in the middle of the living room. It's pointing at the gas fireplace's pilot light. 

• James and Matthew were working with the telescope this afternoon and discovered all sorts of fascinating things.

There's an enormous pile of library books stacked between the couch and the brick mantle. I've got to find two long-overdue books, return literally 100 others, and pick up a couple of holds. 

• Matthew's teachers tell me he reads and comprehends texts at the 5th grade level, but he spells like a 2nd grader. That is pretty unusual. When you put that with his math performance scores, there's reason to suspect dyslexia. I wouldn't be too surprised about that. And I'm not too surprised that his previous teachers may have missed it. It's subtle. He's still young. And his previous teachers have always had bigger, more damaging issues to work through just to get the classroom under control. 

Half of the kitchen island is covered with a sheet of cardboard littered with cups, silicone molds, and spilled epoxy resin in 4 different colors. 

• James made chess pieces and a chessboard out of epoxy resin this weekend. What a mess. What a cool experience. Once the resin fully cures, I look forward to having my kitchen island back.

The kitchen sink is full of so. many. dishes. Most of them are too large for the dishwasher and need to be hand washed. 

• Alex generates a whole lotta dishes when he bakes. And since it was Fast Sunday today, I made Chicken Parmesan for dinner and that also generates piles of greasy pans and cooling racks *sigh* Bobby and I try to keep up pretty well with the dishes, but Sundays are just plain crazy.

Robert is in bed, too. 

• Normally, he stays up late in the living room doing homework or playing video games, but not on Sundays. That's the main reason I can sit here quietly and blog. 
• Robert seems to have jammed or broken his toe this weekend. He was playing tug-of-war with Nova and caught his toe on a wall corner. It hurt a lot at first, but is getting less painful. 

Alex and James went to bed as soon as we got back from the Sister Missionaries' place. 

• This afternoon, Alex had made 2 kinds of (full-size) cheesecake and a quintuple batch of muddy buddies. He took a lot of it to the Sisters. I waited in the car with Nova. Nova is usually content to hang out with me no matter what I'm doing, but this time she was watching the kids interact and share food with the Sisters and she wanted to be part of that action. 
• I've started taking Nova with me on car trips where I don't have to get out of the car. She's a whole lot happier being with me/us than being home without me/us. She's very polite and disciplined in the car. She hops in, scouts the interior for crumbs, then curls herself into a doggie doughnut on one of the seats and goes to sleep. Seriously, folks, we got crazy lucky with this one. And I'm super pleased that she sleeps with James. That gives me a break from 9pm until 6:30am where no human nor animal in the house is needing my attention.

Matthew is currently asleep on a cot in the middle of his room. 

• His loft bed can be too hot/scary/isolating sometimes and then he prefers to sleep closer to the floor. As soon as I had finished reading out loud to Matthew, Bobby came in and tagged me out. We've tweaked the bedtime routine here and there. Some parts are much better now and some parts still have much room for improvement. Matthew does better with a variety of audio books to choose from. This week, I've even started singing to him a little. He said tonight that he thinks the anxiety meds aren't helping anymore. I'll be keeping an eye on that. 

I'm even more tired now. It's getting hard to keep my eyes open. 

• In the midst of trying to get dinner made while Matthew is having a panic attack and James is pointing out one of the extra-crispy (i.e. BURNED!) chik'n patties I had prepared for Matthew's vegetarian version of Chicken Parmesan, and Robert grudgingly clearing the table before setting it for dinner (e.g. "I don't want to do this. Why don't people just clean up their own stuff when they're done with it?!"), Alex asked if I wanted a hug. What I really wanted was for someone to do or give something to me without expecting something back for it, and I said so. In a nice way. I gratefully accepted the hug, though, for what it was: an effort to relieve some of my readily-apparent stress. Then I noticed that Bobby had unloaded and loaded the dishwasher, Alex had started the noodles cooking, Robert said a genuine "thanks" when I pulled out a clean tablecloth for him to use, and Alex and James were actively comforting Matthew through his stress. By the time dinner was on the table, I was feeling significantly better. 

And I'm not ready for Christmas. 

• It occurred to me that Christmas falls at the end of the calendar year, but at the very beginning of winter (winter solstice, Dec 21). Christmas should actually be celebrated at the end of January when we really need something warm and light to look forward to.
• I'm thinking about a lot of things these days. I desperately want to be respected as a mechanic at the bike shop. I feel like I have to prove myself to them again and again. The reality is, though, I'm struggling to accept myself as a mechanic. I want their approval first, then I'll believe it for myself. I recognize that it would be better/healthier for me to go about it the other way 'round. I just don't know how to do that yet.

I hear Robert laughing in his room. His phone is out here with me, so it must be something he's reading. 

There's a faint odor of dog urine coming from the front room. 

• I'm renting a steam cleaner for the carpets tomorrow. Nova is fully potty-trained, except when she's particularly nervous about me being gone. She continues to help our family far more than she messes up, so I'm not complaining, per se, but *sigh* Urinating is better than destroying furniture with her claws, right? Just say yes.