Family Photo

Really bad day

After a full day of fun on Saturday (see Winter Fun post), Matthew somehow crashed in the early evening into a stress episode that lasted 2 full days. These were 2 very hard days. 

He barely ate

He couldn't get dressed on his own

He couldn't go to church

He couldn't spend time with the family

He didn't sleep well

The first evening of this, I was so wrung-out and exhausted that I crawled into bed at 7pm and willed myself to sleep.

The next morning was one of the worst in a while. A minor disappointment triggered a terrified, angry, screaming Hulk attack. I literally had to dress his screaming little body and half-carry him to the car. I knew that if I could get him to school, he could reset. He sobbed the whole way up to his classroom saying that he couldn't do this. He sobbed loudly outside his classroom door saying that he couldn't do this. His classmates watched, but fortunately for us, another classmate had just thrown up all over the floor, so the class' attention was divided. They may never remember Matthew's episode. He had me walk with him to the closet to put his jacket away and pull out his workbooks. He was still crying as he went to his table. I turned and left. 

It's periods like these that I want to crawl into bed and disappear. I lose my desire to do anything but fall asleep and escape the weight of this fear and ignorance. I don't know what to do. Bobby doesn't know what to do. We're just getting through episodes like this one hour at a time. 

Sometimes I think about how great it would be to not to have to deal with this...like if I died or ran away somehow. These are not serious thoughts, of course. I'm in no danger of self-harm or abandoning my family. All I have to do is imagine what either of those things would do to these people I love and that hurts more than anything. So, I tell myself that things will change. I lock in to self-care: prayer, scripture study, personal hygiene, time with friends, and exercise. Kids grow up. Medication and therapy eventually work. Prayer and faith carry me. We do have good days, and these bad days don't last forever.

Matthew did fine at school. He struggled in the evening, putting himself to bed at 7pm. He woke up this morning happy and lovely. No problems. Cheerful, excited for this, that, and the other thing. Getting ready for school was easy. Dropping him off was easy. 

We did NOTHING differently. Nothing. 

And I feel better. 

Winter Fun

Saturday was the school ice skating party for James and Matthew. Matthew reeeeeeeally wanted to go. He wanted to ice skate and his friends had said they would be there. James opted to stay home and run some Christmas errands with Bobby. 

We got there just as it started. It took a little while to get the right size skates, but that only increased his excitement. His first few laps around the rink were slow and very close to the wall. He got a little faster every time, though, and was having a lot of fun skating on his own. I chose not to skate. His friends hadn't arrived yet. 

Heading out onto the ice.

Ice skating! All those weeks roller skating in P.E. paid off :)

A lot of kids were using the skating scooter to gain confidence. Matthew gave it a go, too.

Throughout the event, there was an administrator on the ice taking pictures of everyone. I saw her skate right up to Matthew's side and say something. Later, he told me she said, "Now who's the little lady skating here?" Matthew turned to face her and she instantly recognized him. A little shocked, she cried, "Oh! It's you, Matthew!" He thought it was hilarious. 

When they give us access to those pictures, I'll see if she got any with Matthew.

We took a cocoa break and some boys from Matthew's class said hi. Matthew turned to me a little sheepishly and whispered, "I don't know what to say to kids outside of school." These kids weren't his good friends. I learned later from Matthew that these were the "cool" kids and Matthew is a "friendly" kid, so they get along nicely but don't play together routinely. When we hit the ice again, these boys aggregated around Matthew and included him in everything. They started timing their laps. They told Matthew it was his turn, and he declined. They just told the next kid it was his turn. No teasing or excessive persuasion. Eventually, Matthew decided to take a timed lap. He was obviously slower and much less experienced. Halfway through, one of the kids skated out to skate next to him. the other kid continued timing. When Matthew finally returned to the start, his time was 3x longer than the worst time of any of the other boys. I wondered what might happen. It wasn't a true test...the boys knew I was watching, even though I was standing a ways off...but their reaction surprised me all the same. 

The kid with the timer excitedly told Matthew his time. Matthew was a little embarrassed. The kid was supportive, though, and genuinely praised his efforts. The group kept timing each other and being friendly and doing silly things for fun. When Matthew went for another timed lap, he shaved off 30 seconds! They were excited for him again!

Matthew had a GREAT time at the skating party. His good friends never showed up. That didn't really matter. He skated by himself and skated with the other boys from his class. At the end, as we walked to the skate return desk, Matthew said, "NGS is a really good school for me. I'm so glad I go there."

*********************************

Later that afternoon, James and Matthew decided they wanted to go sledding. Conditions were great. I wasn't too thrilled about going, but somehow I knew it was important that it happened that day. We arrived at the sledding hill and ran into James' closest friend from school. The three of them played (carefully and well-supervised by parents) on the frozen lake. I didn't take any pictures of James' friend, and I don't think I would post them here if I did, but he was there. I promise :)

Exploring the ice by the fishing dock

Matthew on a good day...friendly, cheerful, funny, brave, and happy to lie down on a frozen lake.

James managed to dislodge a hunk of ice from the lake surface. You can't really see it here, but it's several inches thick. Maybe 3-4 inches. He. was. thrilled. They tried to use this huge, heavy, pointy piece of ice to break other ice further out, but it just bounced off the surface. Crazy.

Then the boys went sledding together. We parents just watched, laughing at the hilarious outcomes. At one point, the boys were trying to sled onto a little ramp/jump someone had built at the bottom of the hill. Matthew was the first to hit it. He flew 3 feet straight up and landed hard on his back. He got the wind knocked out of him and used the rest of his energy to warn the other boys away from it. It was a hard target to hit, thankfully, and no one else got hurt. 

James just couldn't stay on his sled for whatever reason. His hair is wet with a delightful mixture of snow spray and sweat. It's a really big climb up this hill.

Matthew loved it!

Pink

Matthew needed a new winter coat. I was totally in agreement. He really wanted it to be pink. I hesitated.

Won't kids make fun of him?

I don't know.

Am I overreacting? 

Definitely.

A boy's pink coat used to be grounds for bullying and shame. Pink meant girly, which was synonymous in my mind with weak, silly, and frivolous. It was fine (and expected?) for girls to be these things (though I did NOT want to be seen that way), but not for boys. It turns out, however, that kids are growing up watching movies and reading books where girls and women have a broader range of socially-acceptable behaviors. They still have to be thin and beautiful, but they can also be smart, fierce, and compassionate leaders. They have autonomy. They are powerful. If I grew up when pink meant THOSE things, I might have developed a better feeling about pink. 

Well, whatever pink means now, Matthew just likes the color. He likes it as much as I hate it, actually. I tried to get him to choose purple just so I wouldn't have a pink coat in the house. No dice. This kid knows what he wants. 

When I was dropping Matthew off at school for the second day with his brand new pink coat, he pointed out one of his classmates hopping out of his car in front of us. He told me his name, which I promptly forgot because 1) he wasn't one of Matthew's closer friends, and 2) that kid was wearing a pink coat, too!

Icicle sword fighting

Note to Self

I was going through Matthew's school folder and discovered this little gem:

Transcription:

hi matthew

Here is some things to do when you are having a panick atack

Please acshaly use theas

• Breat in till you can't than do a little more the let it out
• go upside down
• try a cart wheel / gym nastincs
• think about hiyperfixsshons
• smile

I'm not sure who or what exactly gave him the idea to write this all down, but I suspect his therapist had something to do with it. hiyperfixsshons = hyperfixations = his absolute favorite things to obsess over lately.

[P.S. I asked Matthew later about this list when he was slowly but surely devolving into a panic attack. He scoffed. He said they HAD to make that list for his Social-Emotional Learning lesson and that he just made it all up. It meant nothing. Dang.]

[P.P.S. Yesterday morning, Matthew feels a panic attack coming on. He sucks in his breath, holds it, then sucks in a little more and holds it. Then he lets it all out and declares in shock, "I'm not stressed anymore! The breathing thing ACTUALLY works!" He was happy the rest of the morning and got to school just fine.]