The Next 10 Years

I've been giving considerable thought to the next 10 years of my life. The kids are older now, their needs continue to evolve, and my day-to-day role in their lives grows ever more unpredictable as they take greater control of their own future. And I love seeing them grow like this! I have no idea how much or in what ways my kids may need me once they move out, but I have complete confidence in their ability to navigate adulthood. I look forward to seeing what they do with their time and talents.  

Now, what am I to do with my own time and talents over the next 10 years? It's an especially pressing matter at this moment because I'm on track to finish my 50-50-50 cycling goal this December. 

I've decided to let my future mission application guide my current time and energy choices. Like I'm building a resume. What sorts of skills am I excited to offer in service to others, and how much experience do I want in each of those skills before I apply?

For example, I have 24 years experience in vegetable gardening, but only 2 seasons experience in larger scale farming. I'd like to get that up to at least 5 seasons. 

I have 1 year professional experience in bicycle repair, and this is my 3rd year refurbishing bikes for a local charity (over 100 bikes done so far!). I'd like to get more professional training. There are a couple of 6-week bike mechanic courses in the country that offer certification. There's also an opportunity for me to work in partnership with a small bike shop in town. I may be able to coordinate a bike repair clinic in the local charity I'm working with.

I have 4 years of French language training from high school, and 2 years of Spanish on Duolingo. I'd really like to take college Spanish language courses so I get more proficient in speaking and writing it. And since learning a language is more motivating when I have a purpose, I'm looking into Medical Translation Certification. That requires at least 24 credit hours of Spanish courses. That will take a few years.

And I'd like to take courses in Residential Electrical work. 

And stay physically active.

And maintain a healthy weight.

Another important element to this series of goals is spiritual preparation. It occurred to me just this week that I might benefit from praying about which talents and skills to work on. In prayer, I gushed about all of my neato ideas and felt like that was all well and good. Whew. Then I calmed down and listened a little. It was the strangest thing that happened next. I literally felt in my heart a growing desire to minister to others. Like, not the guilt-driven feeling, but an actual want in me. It's not something I have felt before, even with all of my trying to love ministering. This felt very much like a literal, physical softening of my heart, and with it came a self-assurance that I could minister to others from a place of love, not fear or obligation or whatever else was holding me back. That feeling carried over as I took my family to church. I saw several people at church that I hadn't seen there before, and genuinely enjoyed saying hello to them and making a little conversation. 

Mind. Blown.

The feeling is now gone, but the memory of the feeling remains. That means it's time to act. So, okay, I'll work on ministering more, too ;) 

And I'm open to any further suggestions you might have. I would love to hear what you think is something worth putting on a mission application!

Grind to the end

This was written early-May, but only published today.

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It's the last few weeks of the school year and we're all feeling it...

Lukas is slogging through finals week, packing up his dorm, and getting ready for his job as a Summer Camp Counselor at the Anita Purves Nature Center. We pick him up this Saturday!

Robert is swamped with coursework and studying for AP exams. He's not sure his independent study of BC Calc this year will pay off. He says he didn't sign up for the test to get anything short of the highest score (5/5). That anything less than that would be a waste. He's also had a string of health issues one right after the other...sprained ankle, crazy seasonal allergies, ear infection, nasty cold, and now virus-induced asthma. Last night, he told me that he feels an immense drive (compulsion?) to develop his full potential or else it's all wasted. He berates himself for his lack of discipline, which makes me laugh, because that kid has more self-awareness and drive than any of us. He decides to do something and then makes it happen. He says it's probably the OCD in him, but he feels like he doesn't have the will power on his own to be/do/achieve all the right/ideal/perfect things. He wants someone else to force him to do the things he knows he should do. He even wishes AI could choose the perfect music for whatever mood he's in because music selection takes more time/effort/perfection than he wants to invest. That's some serious perfectionism. He recognizes that it's harder this way. The struggle itself tends to ebb and flow.

Some great things have happened lately, too. Robert turned 16! He finished his practice driving hours and can now get a license. He's built a really great relationship with Matthew. He did it deliberately, for a specific purpose, and it's gone splendidly. Anyone else see a certain level of discipline, self-awareness, and drive in this kid? 

James' moods have been more volatile lately. He pretty much oscillates between pestering us and feeling emotionally devastated. He, Matthew, and I were watching a movie together, and Matthew and I were really into it. James finds the serious parts of movies pretty unbearable and made a move to fast-forward one part. I said no. Matthew said no. James smiled and laughed and pulled his hand away. Funny joke, right? Well, he did it again for the next serious part. We said no a little louder, with furrowed brows. I told him the next time he did that, he'd be excused. Then he did it AGAIN during an especially important part of the story and I got angry. Matthew got angry. I snapped at James, "Stop! That's not okay!" James instantly wilted, completely hurt, and slinked off to his room. A few minutes later, I heard him making distressed noises and knocking things into his walls. When the movie ended a few minutes later, I was torn between going to chat with him and just letting the consequences speak for themselves. I went to invite him to family scripture study and prayer. He declined. After prayer, I went back to talk with him. He was totally crushed. We didn't really resolve anything in that chat, but at least he didn't feel ignored. 

The very next day, as we were getting in the car for school, he and Matthew were chucking a half-filled water bottle at each other in some sort of playful consternation game. At one point, Matthew said he'd had enough. When I turned on the car, Matthew suddenly imagined the water bottle distracting the driver (me) and us getting into a horrible crash and burning to death. He said so. James playfully waggled the water bottle in Matthew's direction as if he were going to toss it to him again. Matthew and I both said no. Matthew didn't want to play anymore. It was really freaking him out. I backed out of the driveway and started to move forward when James got a mischievous grin and threw the water bottle over his head towards Matthew. Matthew screamed in angry frustration. I yelled, "Stop!" in a pretty terse tone, then I hit the brakes. I turned to James and said, "This is why we yell at you! We ask you to stop again and again and you don't stop!" He wilted instantly. Then I took it too far, in a much calmer but clearly exasperated tone, "Would it be better if I just started with the yelling part??" James sank even lower into his seat. Matthew, miraculously, took this emotional upheaval in stride and got off to school just fine. James, however, grew more and more agitated as we drove to school. He made distressed sounds, hung his head, and writhed in his seat more and more. If I tried to ask him about it, he got worse. In the end, he stormed out of the car and slammed the door behind him. 

The tendency to take things too far is not surprising. James likes to tease and laugh with people through pushing those kinds of boundaries. Maliciously or innocently, James also likes to try new things without asking, especially if it's in the gray zone of "allowed." That approach can really pay off..."Oh, I thought that rule only applied when XYZ. Oh well, I'll know for next time." It kinda stresses me out. I've had recurring nightmares for years where James ignores my rules and my pleas. I ask him to stop repeatedly in bigger and louder ways and he doesn't stop, even when it's for his own safety. I often wake up from those dreams in tears. 

The hard feelings around the movie and the water bottle have since dissolved, but the emotional roller coaster undercurrent remains. I can chalk some of it up to adolescent hormones (Robert got really volatile at this age), some to the reality of living with anxiety/depression, and some to the fact that Matthew doing better means the other kids finally feel safe sharing some of their own struggles. 

James is doing really well with his personal goals. He works and works on them, even when he doesn't want to. He cannot wait for school to end. He knows he'll be bored over the summer, but he also knows we've got several things planned to break up the boredom a bit.

Matthew is feeling more stress as year-end assignments and projects come due, but he's also coping pretty well. Really well, actually, compared to what it was only a couple months ago. He decided that he would like to try and do homework again. He asked to do it at the library so he could keep his "school mode" on and delay his "home mode". We've done that a couple times already and it's been REALLY successful. Unbelievable, to be honest. I had pretty much given up on homework at home before this. 

As for me, this is the first May in a long time that I'm not dreading the last day of school. Kinda weird. I'm trying to parse out why, but it's not coming easily. I've recently made HUGE progress on my bike refurbishing goal. I've had energy to serve at church and in my community. My garden is underway. The chickens are much, much larger and Nova seems less intent on murdering them. With Erin, I get out to exercise regularly. For my church calling, the hardest part of the year is over and now there's a lull through the summer months. By the end of this calendar year, I'll be done with my 50 states cycling goal. At that point, it's just 7 years until Matthew graduates from high school and we go on our first mission for the church. So, my goals for those 7 years will be pretty intense and specific...bike work, physical health, spiritual growth, larger scale farming, foreign language proficiency, perhaps training as an electrician...not sure what 4 adult kids will be needing from me, so I'll try to remain flexible there.

Bobby is chugging along. He gets up really early to take Robert to seminary, unloads the dishwasher, exercises several times a week, works and works all day, makes dinner for the family, and then goes to bed early. Every once in a while there's a really bad day at work, or his digestive issues flare up and make him miserable, but most of the time he is just doing his own thing at his own pace and making things happen. On Sundays that he's not assigned to speak as a high councilor in another ward/branch, he manages Matthew and James so that I can attend all of Sacrament Meeting in person. If/When I overschedule myself, or there's a medical issue with one of the kids, Bobby works from home to support me. He's started working with the kids on their personal goals, too. It's a huge relief to have someone else do the emotional labor of following up and following through with the kids.

Altogether, it feels like a grind to the end. Almost there...and then what?!

This week

I've got a pain in my left foot that's been really bad the last couple of weeks. Turns out I've got a teeny bit of age-appropriate arthritis in one metatarsal, and one bone that's a little longer than ideal. The solution is a funky pad in my shoe. It's already made a HUGE difference. Sweet relief. The foot doctor made an audio recording of our visit and used AI to generate the note for my chart.

James had a great visit to the dentist. Still no cavities, but when the dentist ran James' x-rays through an AI program, it identified two "weak" spots that could eventually turn into cavities. The dentist recommended a few extra things James could add to his tooth brushing routine to slow the decay and maybe even restrengthen those spots. 

Matthew had a rough weekend, but still not as bad as what used to be normal. By Monday morning, he was his "new normal" again and cracking jokes like a pro. He's full of big ideas and enthusiasm these days.

Robert had his first tennis match. Apparently, only the varsity team has scheduled matches. All the junior varsity kids just spar with whoever is free from the other team. Their matches don't count towards anything. Robert doesn't care. He had a great time and learned a lot by playing against strangers. 

Bobby hid the kids' Easter candy again this year. The kids really enjoy it. None of the hiding spots were ridiculous, but it brought to light how many nooks and crannies and little spaces we ignore in our daily life. You think you've searched EVERYWHERE, but you haven't. 

Our praying mantis died :( She didn't survive her final molting. Poor girl. She was about to get her wings!

Our baby chicks are growing quickly. We've moved them from James' room to the garage because they were just too messy and stinky to stay. Nova is obsessed with them. She has attempted murder on more than one occasion, and she goes ballistic if they're outside and she can't get to them. We have hopes that they will look less delicious when they're bigger, but who knows? This is a terrifically docile breed, quiet, super chill. 

I've started planting my garden. I lost some young broccoli and cabbage to bunnies who found a weakness in my fencing *sigh* but I've patched things up and will plant again. James saved some seeds from his giant Halloween pumpkin last year and planted them indoors. I had no idea how well they would sprout, so we planted them all, but it looks like 95% of them survived. We have a TON of pumpkin seedlings now. More than will ever fit in my whole garden. I've told him to pick his 10 favorite seedlings to plant outdoors. No more. I also know he's devising ways to sneak in a couple dozen more. The stinker. 

James and Matthew are at the end of their archery season. Matthew continues to get better and James has made SIGNIFICANT progress. Matthew still loves it, James still hates it *shrug*

I don't have much of an update from Lukas. He's been pretty busy with school. He did send me a picture of a chocolate lemon meringue pie, though, which made me gag. Thanks, Lukas.

Even more progress...

In the last week, Matthew has:

--seamlessly slept in his own bed every night

--attended dinner with us naturally every night

--happily read scriptures out loud during family scripture study every night

--attended church in-person, in church clothes, on a pew in the chapel, for the whole hour (his own idea)

--successfully completed one night of homework at home for the first time in 6 months

--sat on the couch to read quietly

--brushed off countless triggering comments and situations 

--had only three panic episodes

--baked jam cake

--initiated several big projects

--made significant progress developing his own epic Dungeons and Dragons quest

--decided that he likes to get to school really early

Some of these miraculous changes are becoming commonplace, but I still get a catch in my throat every time he hops out of the car at school after a successful morning. This has been an enormous relief to our family. Astounding. Unbelievable. 

We laugh together more. 

We have more conversations of all types.

More light, more warmth, more hope. It's like spring.

More changes...

Last night, Matthew ate dinner with us and chatted happily. That's new.

Later, he hopped off the computer and declared, "I want to do a big project!" He brainstormed with Bobby and Robert and spent an hour cutting cardboard and going through the dress-up clothes. Also new.

He joined us for family scripture study and read out loud with us. No tablet. Totally new.

He worked on his project a little more and then went to bed, no anxiety. Unbelievable.

This morning, he woke up and hopped into the shower. Unprompted. No warning. I was completely taken aback and asked him why he did that. He replied, "I just wanted to feel clean and help myself wake up more." 

"Did it work?

"Yup!"

I'm still utterly flabbergasted.

He got dressed, ate a hearty breakfast, and went back to his project until it was time to leave for school. Tweaking and adjusting things, collaborating with Robert some more. Who is this kid? Is this what normal Matthew is like?

When it was time to leave, he experienced a series of delays and unexpected issues: the only clean socks were long socks so he had to change from pants into shorts, then he tried on several pairs of shorts and they didn't feel right, so he went back to pants and wore the long socks with pants. All of this he did on his own without meltdown or coaching or coaxing from anyone else. He just considered his options and made decisions like some other regular kid. Then he realized he had to use the bathroom. He started to get concerned about being late. Concerned, not anxious. I assured him we were still within our normal leaving time. He believed me. He actually listened and calmed himself. We got in the car just fine. As we drove, he voiced his feelings about the timer his teachers put up on the board before class starts. He listed all the things he needed to do before that timer ran out and the school day officially began: change his shoes, unpack his bag, get his workbook and supplies. Calmly. He was talking about something that stresses him out. Out loud. With words. Then he suddenly remembered that I needed to sign a couple things. No meltdown. He just pulled them out of his bag and handed them to me nonchalantly. Like a regular kid. 

LIKE A REGULAR KID!

I'm still in shock.