Boy Growing Up

I've been reluctant to see Robert grow up. As eager as I am to see him accomplish each milestone, I still find myself a little sad after his second first haircut. The thought of him turning one in a couple months is an enormous turning point. I have long looked forward to it with much anticipation. I also feel like I'm about to lose something.

What am I afraid of losing?

It's not the baby-ness. Not really. Babies are hard, hard, exhausting work. That's why you love them so much and love to see them grow.

No, I'm cool with leaving the baby behind. I'm actually worried about who Robert will become. Why does it worry me so much? Why does it worry me NOW? Why don't I worry about Alice in the same way? I don't know. It's there, though, in the back of my mind. I'm always scrutinizing his behavior for signs of the boy and man he'll become. Well, "always" when I'm not interacting with Alice or cleaning the kitchen or something else. That's frustrating. I don't have the time and brain power to focus 100% on him like I did with Alice. Having another child means giving up a little more control that way. Maybe that's the real reason I'm worried...having a child grow up in my own home that I don't know as well as I want to.

So, Robert will turn one in a couple months. I feel like I've only known him a little while. Then again, he keeps changing, so the boy he is now has really only been around for a little while. Maybe that's why a year seems so impossibly long and inaccurate. Let's see what the next couple of months bring. Walking, for sure. Words? Maybe. Plenty of surprises.