Epiphany about Alice

Ever since I found a painting that perfectly illustrates my feelings for Robert, I have been searching for something similar to describe my feelings for Alice. Yesterday, the search became an obsession as I looked through all of Brian Andreas' Story People prints online, ignoring my kids, getting more and more agitated that I couldn't frame my feelings for her. Mr. Andreas' work pinpoints quite a few tricky feelings for me, but nothing felt right when it came to Alice...

...maybe my feelings weren't normal

...maybe I was a bad mom because I couldn't exactly say all these other things about my experience as a mother, especially with Alice

...maybe I didn't actually have a clear picture of my feelings for Alice

...and that was the real answer. I didn't know how I felt about Alice.

So, I thought about that the rest of the day. I thought about my relationship with Alice. I can't say that I figured everything out, but I got this far:

She's my first, so everything she's experiencing is new to me. I feel like we're exploring together, but she's dependent on me, and I'm kind of dependent on her, but we're trying to learn independence from each other. And I'm insecure about all of that. Sometimes I'm even afraid of what Alice may say or feel or do in certain situations because I might not know how to respond.

I guess that could be said about any of my children. But Alice is old enough to see my mistakes and confront me. It's a new playing field.

And in all this thinking, I finally acknowledged to myself that Alice needs physical touch in order to feel and express love: hugs, kisses, sitting on laps, holding hands, playing with hair. I'm not much of a toucher. Her need for physical touch has actually been a source of anxiety for me. But once I recognized the complexity of my feelings for her, and how I had avoided physical touch for so long, I suddenly wanted to let her know how much I truly, deeply loved her. I scooped her up right there and hugged her tighter and more meaningfully than I had ever done before.

She means so much to me that it hurts to think about it.

I guess that's it. That's how I feel about Alice.

If you find a piece of art that illustrates this feeling, please pass it on :)