Scared

Alice told me a boy on her 6th grade team broke his arm yesterday doing something she couldn't really describe clearly. I don't think she even knew...she wasn't an eye witness. She was kind of shaken up about it. She had a Concert Band concert last night, too, which made her nervous and excited. Then some kids and teachers were crying a little since this would be the last Concert Band gathering of the year and the 8th graders would be moving on. Such a series of emotions all within a few hours of each other, and Alice snapped. She couldn't sleep. The weight of her life came crashing down on her and she was nervous and scared and exhausted and panicking and lonely all at the same time. She was awake a long time.

She said something that pierced me to the center: she said she didn't feel safe anywhere at school, except in a couple small spaces/times. She's said this before to me and several other people, so I'm not revealing any personal information here. But this time, it struck me with more power than ever before.

This is the girl who has friends in every class.

The girl who doesn't care what she wears or what other people think of her opinions.

The girl who makes straight A's.

The girl who teachers and adults praise for being so level-headed, responsible, sympathetic, warm, and honest.

No one teases her. It's not a bullying situation, or exclusion, or in any way connected to popularity.

She just doesn't feel safe at school. What does that mean? In the past, she's mentioned swearing, discipline issues in class, physical fights between students, and lunch being unbearably loud. Police have been called to the school several times this year to intervene in various situations. Teachers and the principal assure me that things ARE getting better since the beginning of the year and they will continue to get better as everyone grows accustomed to the new discipline structure.

Her friends feel safe. Their parents assure me their daughters have emotional breakdowns, too, but not one of them is scared to go to school like Alice, or triggering anxiety attacks when a teammate breaks an arm. 

Maybe this is why Alice is willing to leave everything she knows and loves about Urbana Middle School (friends, band, German, walking to Erin's house) and start over at Campus Middle School for Girls next year...maybe all the difficult things at school wear her down faster than the good things can build her up.

I wonder if it's a mistake to let her leave. When she goes into public high school in a couple years, this will all come back to greet her full-force. Will she be better prepared for it? Or worse off?

I wonder if it's a mistake to encourage her to stay. Middle school is a lot like the real world, but it's also its own psychotic, self-absorbed, passionate, insecure, questioning everything and everyone sort of microcosm. Some of that will be found in ANY middle school she attends. She can't run away from difficult social situations her whole life.

She's thought about this a long time. We've talked over the pros and cons all year. We've practiced coping strategies and self-care. She's fasted and prayed about it repeatedly. She feels Campus Middle School for Girls is what she needs now, and she's willing to sacrifice everything she loves at UMS for it. Does she fully understand the trade she's making? And how much unknown she's jumping into? She'll be a year behind the other girls in math, Spanish, computer science, and friend-making. Will she hit the ground running? Or will it just create a different kind of stress that blows her gaskets? Or will she find the safe, supportive community she's looking for? Or, or, or...so many possible outcomes from here.

*sigh*

For better or worse, whatever happens this next year, I am wondering if she will look back on this decision in 10 or 20 years and be proud of it. How will it shape the rest of her adolescence? And her approach to her own kids' adolescence?