Lessons learned!

I learned a couple hard things this week. I'm writing about them on the blog so I don't forget. So my kids ask me about it later. So I can be held accountable for these lessons learned, and grow from them.

*****

I backed out of the garage a little too hastily and broke the driver-side mirror. Because it's motorized, and embedded in the door panel, and the same color as the rest of the car, it will cost me $500 to fix *SOB* with a hefty dose of embarrassment and frustration on the side.

It crossed my mind to remember this experience when (not if) my own kids damage our cars.

*****

Sadly, I didn't pay attention to the refill info on my anxiety meds, and it took three days between me, the doctor's office, and the pharmacy to get a new Rx filled. There's a really good reason they tell you not to quit anti-depressants cold turkey like that. Day one felt like normal. Day two, the gut issues started and I woke up in a bit of a panic, but it subsided quickly. I experienced brief flashes of vertigo all day. Later, I noticed a faint sluggishness in my thoughts. Robert's conversations were suddenly too wordy and fast for me. By the end of the day, I literally couldn't keep the first part of his sentence in my mind long enough to understand his complete thought. Too many details. Day three, I woke up feeling normal. I thought, "Hey! Maybe I'm over it! That was easy."

I was not over it. I lost my temper that morning getting the boys off to school. Really, really lost it. I'm not a yeller. I can't stand it. But something inside me snapped. I found myself screaming until I was hoarse and literally push-sliding an angry, hurt, defiant, and also-screaming James across the kitchen floor to get his shoes on. He eventually left for school sobbing and screaming things like, "You don't care about me!" and "This makes me feel like I'm nothing!" and I didn't care. I was so disconnected.

But man, I felt horrible after that. My worst mom moment ever. When James got home from school, I apologized and explained that due to problems with my medicine, I wasn't feeling normal that morning. That I didn't like yelling or pushing or scaring anyone into submission. That I felt terrible for losing control like that and I never wanted to do it again. He hugged me and said it was okay now, but what else can a 7-year-old say to his mom?

As day 3 cold turkey progressed, my gut issues persisted, the vertigo got a lot worse (I didn't feel safe driving anymore), my thoughts were cloudy/confused, I wasn't emotionally available for much of anything, but my temper stayed in check. I researched withdrawal symptoms for the particular drug I'm on and felt relieved that my craziness was normal and temporary. Help was on the way. And, fortunately, it only took one dose for all the withdrawal symptoms to disappear and return me to my predictable and productive normal.

This experience was eye-opening. I thought about people with undiagnosed neurotransmitter imbalances. I thought about going through life like that all the time, thinking that's the best I could do. Sure, I wasn't anxious or depressed, but I wasn't okay, either, and the condition itself made it harder for me to get help (confusion, inability to concentrate, no emotional resilience).

*****

Matthew meditating as Alice taught him in "Ninja School". When I took this picture, he was using it in his imaginary game to increase his Chi power for fighting off bad guys...as a ninja kitty.