Snippets of Susan

The birds have started making noise again. It's such a shock to hear birds after so long without them! Even Alice and Robert noticed.

The chickens are starting to lay again, too. The Persephone Period is over.

Erin and I have been learning to play "Country Roads" (John Denver) and "The Boxer" (Simon & Garfunkel) on our guitars. It's satisfying to play something so nostalgic. Our teacher drew the line at ABBA, though. We are also grinding through some pretty tough chord combinations and a less-than-satisfying Duet in B-flat, so it's not all fun and games :)

I had a chance to give away the first of those kits I put together for people soliciting help in public places. I'm trying not to use the term "blessing bag", but struggling to find a suitable replacement. 

I saw a man solicit a shopper as I drove by the store on my way to an appointment. I decided to swing by on my way out. Well, after my appointment, I turned around and found myself at an intersection. I could turn left to engage the man, or I could turn right and go home. I turned right. I rationalized it by saying, "Well, it's not like he asked ME for help. I'll only be comfortable helping people who ask me for it." I got halfway home before I realized how stupid that sounded. Don't be ridiculous! I turned around, went back to where the man was sitting, and pulled up right next to him, masked. He approached my window and asked if I had an extra $20. I said, "No, but I can give you this," as I handed him the kit. He smiled big and asked how I was doing. I said things were alright. He said he was robbed again. I said I was really sorry to hear that and I hoped the stuff I gave him would be some help. Then he backed away smiling, saying thank you and waving as I pulled away. 

Whew. That was tough. 

Later that morning, I was bringing my friend home from getting her second and final dose of a Covid vaccine when we passed another man asking for help. It was easier to stop this time for a couple reasons 1) I had already done it earlier without hyperventilating, and 2) the man was on the passenger side of the car and my friend would be doing the actual handing out. She was happy to help :) The man was super appreciative. And so was the second man we saw later on that same trip home. That's THREE opportunities in one day. Three times I would have felt a sick darkness in my gut as I avoided making eye contact and pretended not to see someone asking for help. I don't think handing out supplies on the street is a perfect solution, but it sure feels better than what I was feeling before.

I'm having escapist dreams...things like moving to a larger, brighter house or discovering another floor on our current house. There are dreams where I have big parties or make plans to volunteer in a 3rd world country for 6 months until I suddenly remember it's Covid times or I'm married with 4 kids, respectively, and these things can't happen right now. I have to wait. A long time. 

How long?! That's on my mind when I wake up. 

So, the other day, I took some time to roughly map out the next 19 years of my life. Just thinking about my life between now and when Matthew graduates from college :) Here are the numbers:

Columns (L-R): My Age, Fall School Year, Grade Levels of All 4 Kids That Fall (A, R J, then M), Age of All 4 Kids the Summer After That School Year (A, R, J, then M). The dashed line marks when all Covid restrictions are likely to be lifted and full-time, in-person school is most likely to resume (Fall 2022), and the solid horizontal line is five years from today. The zig-zag . line marks the summer each child is likely to leave home for college or a mission (Alice does not plan to serve a mission at this point).

I thought seeing it all laid out would help me understand it better. Turns out, I cannot comprehend in the slightest what it's like to have proto-adults living in my house with me. And a lot of this family's future depends on choices that are not mine to make. Rightfully so. Somehow between now and age 53, the control I have over these kids will naturally (and necessarily) diminish until...until...what? What does that even look like? I don't remember enough of my own growing experience to make sense of it from this side. Uncharted waters. I need more empty nesting friends to help me prepare :)

The J&J vaccine was approved for emergency use on Friday! Some friends are concerned about the symptom numbers being not as good as they appear to be for Pfizer and Moderna's vaccines. I'm not concerned. I can explain my reasoning to you another time if you're curious. I will take whichever vaccine is available to me when it's my turn.