Introducing Alex

Dear family and friends,

Eight weeks ago, Alice got her ears pierced and selected a spiffy new haircut for her soon-to-begin high school adventure. A couple weeks later, she let us know that she hasn't felt comfortable in her body for some time. Her female body feels foreign and wrong (gender dysphoria) and she wants to live here on out as a male. With those feelings in mind, she has carefully and respectfully asked that people call her Alex from now on. She would also prefer the pronouns he/him/his instead of she/her/hers, so I will use those pronouns to refer to him on this blog starting now. This news was a considerable shock to us, but his feelings are real, and we are working to make him more comfortable in his skin.

I'd like you to meet Alex.

 

We love Alex. He's an important part of our family and our lives. The months before he came out to us were kinda dark. He isolated himself. He experienced increased depression and anxiety. Now that he's out and feels safe at home, we have our extroverted, hilarious, warm, and clever child back in our lives. I love him so much*. 

It's an ongoing adjustment for all of us** but Alex doesn't mind answering questions about his transgender feelings. I don't mind answering questions, either. I don't have all the answers, but I find it's much easier to deal with stressful changes in life when I'm open about it and actively learning. Alex has given me permission to share this information on the blog.

Alex is not Alice, but they have a lot in common. Alex is obsessed with the Marvel Cinematic Universe and sketch comedy and Funko Pops. He's doing well in 9th grade so far, enjoying a wide variety of classes and extracurricular activities. He auditioned for A Cappella Choir and got in. He auditioned for the fall musical and got a speaking part, which is apparently awesome for a freshman (someone in theater had to tell me that. I'm TOTALLY new to all this drama/theater/performance stuff!). He plays flute, loves reading and creative writing, and plans to be an actor. He's also taking a few parenting and child development classes this year because he's so darn good at nurturing kids and just plain loves it. 

When trans kids take on a new name, the old name is referred to as their "dead name". In some ways, the Alice I've known for 14 years is dead. The future I imagined for her is certainly gone. Feelings of grief and loss are normal. To Alex, he's finally becoming his true self and this "Alice" is a foreign stranger. A completely different person. 

I want to share something personal here. Alex's transition reminded me of the day after Alice was born. I had carried this baby for nine months, feeling her move and kick and squirm, having imagined conversations with her, envisioning her as this perfectly content little friend in my belly who understood me and laughed at all my jokes. Bobby and I playfully called her Barriga (pronounced buh-HEE-ga, which is Portuguese for "belly"). The day after Alice was born, I lost Barriga. I had a beautiful, bright little baby Alice that I loved more fiercely than I had ever loved anyone or anything before, but my wriggly and content constant companion was gone. I loved them both. I mourned the loss of Barriga and I cried for her. Just like I cry for Alice now. Seeing Alice's name and old pictures reminds me that I've lost a daughter. It's painful. And while the baby I carried and the daughter I nurtured and the teenager I adore are in reality the same person, my dreams and visions and expectations for each of them have had to change. I mourn the loss of those dreams and expectations. 

And just as I came to develop a new, powerful, and fierce love for Alice, I can feel a deep, intense, and eternal love for Alex. My hopes and dreams for him do not diminish my love for Alice. Nor do my hopes and dreams for Alice diminish my love for Alex. I love them both. They are both my children.

Alex is upbeat and hopeful for the future. He has supportive friends, family, and mentors. I'm hopeful for the future, too. I understand if Alex's news comes as a shock to you. I totally get it if you need time to process this. And I understand if it makes you uncomfortable. That's okay. This hasn't been particularly comfortable for any of us, especially Alex, but we're working on it together. One day at a time. If you'd like to reach out to him or me with questions, please do. Your questions help me process and understand my own feelings better :) You can contact me via email or text. I'll respond.

Much love,

Susan

 

 

*understatement of the year. 

**another remarkable understatement. We've cried, we've mourned, we've learned a whole new vocabulary, we've laughed, we've asked questions and had long, frank discussions, we've sought priesthood blessings, we've seen miracles and felt the tender mercies of the Lord, we've seen an outpouring of love from local friends and church leaders, we've connected with trans therapists and support groups, we've come a long way in 6 weeks, and we continue to take this one day at a time.