A little relief...

It's been 5-6 weeks since Matthew's new medication regimen started. The last couple of weeks, we've seen a series of minute and yet remarkable moments that indicate we are headed in the right direction...

SPRING BREAK

--Matthew stayed out in the house with us MOST of the time. There were only a few hours in the week where he had to retreat to his bed and stay under his blanket.

--There were several instances when he and James did not agree, or something Matthew did made James upset. James flared up, Matthew grew concerned and held firm. They TALKED about it. Even if they didn't end up agreeing, Matthew was OKAY. He brushed it off. Months ago, he would have retreated to his room screaming "sorry, sorry, I'm so sorry" and stayed there for hours. 

--Matthew agreed to one outing a day, and he DID IT. Once or twice on these outings, he started feeling anxious, but then he was able to refocus. He had a great time. For hours. 

--He got dressed for these outings WITHOUT PANIC. 

--He ate dinner with us a few times.

--He volunteered to pray a few times, even when it wasn't his turn.

--He participated in family scripture study a couple times without a tablet in hand.

OTHER DAYS

--I told him about a summer class for kids his age and he actually WANTS to go. He is excitedly anticipating it. He'll be writing/coding a 2D video game.

--Talking about our family vacation this summer, I asked him about several possible excursions. He decided that he wanted to try the gondola ride over the forest. He said, "I know that I'm really afraid of heights, but I think that once I'm on it and it gets going, I'll like it and be really glad that I went."

--There was a thunderstorm and tornado siren after bedtime one night. He didn't like it, but he calmly hung out in the bathroom with us and GLADLY/GRATEFULLY went back to bed afterwards.

YESTERDAY

Sundays are the worst. They have been so, so hard. Yesterday, however, even though we were running a little late, Matthew kept a calm (cheerful?) attitude. Realizing it was Sunday did NOT trigger a panic attack. Asking him about how much he could do at church that day did NOT trigger a panic attack. Matthew usually attends church over Zoom in the car in the parking lot with me or Bobby. Then we pop into the foyer for the sacrament, and go back to the car for the rest of the meeting. He decided this time, however, that he could take the sacrament IN THE CHAPEL. I was completely flabbergasted. It was Bobby's turn in the car, so I sat in the chapel near the back door. When the sacrament hymn started, I wondered if Matthew would actually do it. A second later, he plopped into the pew next to me. He was nervous. He was still wearing pajamas. He was snuggled right up close to me gripping my arm, but he was smiling and HE WAS THERE. We participated in the sacrament together. Amazing! Then, he said he was thirsty. I figured this was the end of his visit. Nope. He got a drink at the water fountain and CAME BACK. He stayed in the pew for the rest of the hour-long meeting. Later, the bishop and Matthew's quorum leader both commented on how amazing it was to see Matthew in the chapel. They have been working with us for months to help Matthew feel more comfortable at church and weekly activities. 

TODAY

The door to the yellow bathroom somehow got locked while no one was in there. This is the kids' main bathroom, and James was already tired and grouchy about school starting again, so he made a comment that it was Matthew's fault. Weeks ago, this would have derailed the ENTIRE morning. Matthew would be in tears, completely panicking, unable to dress or speak, and probably end up 1-2 hours late for school. Instead, Matthew said, "It's just a locked door," and went to get dressed UNPROMPTED, UNFLUSTERED. James persisted in his accusation, which irritated Matthew a bit more, but not to the point of being upset. Bobby fixed the door, James and Matthew finished getting ready for school WITHOUT FURTHER INCIDENT, and everyone got to school on time. 

Make no mistake: these are small (and not so small) miracles. 

Even if things get bad again (or worse) tomorrow, these days still happened. If things can get this good once, I have a greater hope that they can get this good again. That's one thing that pulled me through my second mental health crisis some years ago. I knew normal was possible, no matter how broken and dark everything seemed at the moment.