A Lesson About Matthew

Robert and James left for Youth Conference this morning. They'll be spending the next couple of days in Kirtland, Ohio. Once Bobby left for work, it was just me and Matthew at home. I went to the gym with Erin, took Matthew to therapy, made lunch for the two of us, then we headed out to run some errands. Matthew was in a pretty good mood all day, except, he had a low point. We were driving to our next destination and Matthew tried to whistle. He couldn't get any sound to come out. He has tried to whistle off and on for years. No luck. Then he tried rolling his R's and remembered how hard that is for him, too. Last semester in Spanish class, he FINALLY got his tongue to cooperate, but it takes a lot of effort and doesn't produce much sound. It's not anything he could use in a real word, anyway.

That's when he got sad. He said that everyone he knows can do one or both of those things without trying very hard at all. He said that's what it feels like in a LOT of things. He hasn't found a single thing that he's good at without having to work harder than everyone else at it. Then he slumped down in his seat and asked to go home. He said he was feeling stressed. These thoughts had triggered his anxiety.

I then remembered something from this morning. Matthew woke up frustrated and angry. He said he had just had a nightmare where he was winning a race, but eventually came in dead last. 

Being behind/last is one of Matthew's nightmares. I finally made the connection! He's always catching up in some form every day of his life...

--Baby of the family, the last to reach every milestone

--Spelling, multiplication, and multi-step projects take 100x longer for him than for other kids in his class

--Anxiety causes him to miss out on church functions and social events, so he never really knows what's going on

I assured him that he needs more time than the other kids but he's just as capable as them. Taking more time won't make any difference in the end. He has everything he needs to be successful in life.

He wasn't comforted. It still feels like constantly catching up. 

Thankfully, we had three more stops before we were done with our errands. Matthew didn't feel like going into the first store with me, but by the time I got back, he was giggling and doing something sneaky with my phone. 

(He had set a reminder every year that contained a bucket load of unicorns, rainbows, and other such froofiness. Goofy kid.)

Next, we dropped off a bike and picked up two more from Salt and Light. I love it when there are bikes to pick up!

Our last stop was the grocery store. It was hot today. Crazy hot. Mid-90s and humid. UGH! I wanted something cold and sweet and Matthew readily agreed. Better yet, we wouldn't have to share any of it with Robert or James! So, we picked out a few frozen treats (and a package of cinnamon rolls from the bakery *cough*) and took them home. Matthew spent the rest of the day in a great mood.

Y'know, car rides have created the most remarkable opportunities for real conversations with my kids. Each one. Yesterday, with James, we talked about something that has been really hard for him/us. He spoke candidly and we made a plan together. As we walked away from the car, he said he was really glad that he could talk to me about things that he couldn't talk to other people about. 

I was glad to get this peek into Matthew's mind today. Unfortunately, I don't have any answers for him. I don't know what it's like to struggle with spelling, math facts, and his degree of anxiety. I wish I could give him a broader perspective, though, and the faith I have that his work will be rewarded. These last couple of decades have changed my feelings about work. You do the work that creates the outcomes you care about. Nothing is achieved without work, and 99% of work is inconvenient, tedious, and taxing in some way. Eventually, though, you create what you were working towards: a beautiful garden, greater faith in God, 2500 miles of bike rides across the country, meaningful relationships with people I love, a strong body, and a new skill or two.

I'm rooting for you, Matthew!

The Next 10 Years

I've been giving considerable thought to the next 10 years of my life. The kids are older now, their needs continue to evolve, and my day-to-day role in their lives grows ever more unpredictable as they take greater control of their own future. And I love seeing them grow like this! I have no idea how much or in what ways my kids may need me once they move out, but I have complete confidence in their ability to navigate adulthood. I look forward to seeing what they do with their time and talents.  

Now, what am I to do with my own time and talents over the next 10 years? It's an especially pressing matter at this moment because I'm on track to finish my 50-50-50 cycling goal this December. 

I've decided to let my future mission application guide my current time and energy choices. Like I'm building a resume. What sorts of skills am I excited to offer in service to others, and how much experience do I want in each of those skills before I apply?

For example, I have 24 years experience in vegetable gardening, but only 2 seasons experience in larger scale farming. I'd like to get that up to at least 5 seasons. 

I have 1 year professional experience in bicycle repair, and this is my 3rd year refurbishing bikes for a local charity (over 100 bikes done so far!). I'd like to get more professional training. There are a couple of 6-week bike mechanic courses in the country that offer certification. There's also an opportunity for me to work in partnership with a small bike shop in town. I may be able to coordinate a bike repair clinic in the local charity I'm working with.

I have 4 years of French language training from high school, and 2 years of Spanish on Duolingo. I'd really like to take college Spanish language courses so I get more proficient in speaking and writing it. And since learning a language is more motivating when I have a purpose, I'm looking into Medical Translation Certification. That requires at least 24 credit hours of Spanish courses. That will take a few years.

And I'd like to take courses in Residential Electrical work. 

And stay physically active.

And maintain a healthy weight.

Another important element to this series of goals is spiritual preparation. It occurred to me just this week that I might benefit from praying about which talents and skills to work on. In prayer, I gushed about all of my neato ideas and felt like that was all well and good. Whew. Then I calmed down and listened a little. It was the strangest thing that happened next. I literally felt in my heart a growing desire to minister to others. Like, not the guilt-driven feeling, but an actual want in me. It's not something I have felt before, even with all of my trying to love ministering. This felt very much like a literal, physical softening of my heart, and with it came a self-assurance that I could minister to others from a place of love, not fear or obligation or whatever else was holding me back. That feeling carried over as I took my family to church. I saw several people at church that I hadn't seen there before, and genuinely enjoyed saying hello to them and making a little conversation. 

Mind. Blown.

The feeling is now gone, but the memory of the feeling remains. That means it's time to act. So, okay, I'll work on ministering more, too ;) 

And I'm open to any further suggestions you might have. I would love to hear what you think is something worth putting on a mission application!

Grind to the end

This was written early-May, but only published today.

**************************************************8

It's the last few weeks of the school year and we're all feeling it...

Lukas is slogging through finals week, packing up his dorm, and getting ready for his job as a Summer Camp Counselor at the Anita Purves Nature Center. We pick him up this Saturday!

Robert is swamped with coursework and studying for AP exams. He's not sure his independent study of BC Calc this year will pay off. He says he didn't sign up for the test to get anything short of the highest score (5/5). That anything less than that would be a waste. He's also had a string of health issues one right after the other...sprained ankle, crazy seasonal allergies, ear infection, nasty cold, and now virus-induced asthma. Last night, he told me that he feels an immense drive (compulsion?) to develop his full potential or else it's all wasted. He berates himself for his lack of discipline, which makes me laugh, because that kid has more self-awareness and drive than any of us. He decides to do something and then makes it happen. He says it's probably the OCD in him, but he feels like he doesn't have the will power on his own to be/do/achieve all the right/ideal/perfect things. He wants someone else to force him to do the things he knows he should do. He even wishes AI could choose the perfect music for whatever mood he's in because music selection takes more time/effort/perfection than he wants to invest. That's some serious perfectionism. He recognizes that it's harder this way. The struggle itself tends to ebb and flow.

Some great things have happened lately, too. Robert turned 16! He finished his practice driving hours and can now get a license. He's built a really great relationship with Matthew. He did it deliberately, for a specific purpose, and it's gone splendidly. Anyone else see a certain level of discipline, self-awareness, and drive in this kid? 

James' moods have been more volatile lately. He pretty much oscillates between pestering us and feeling emotionally devastated. He, Matthew, and I were watching a movie together, and Matthew and I were really into it. James finds the serious parts of movies pretty unbearable and made a move to fast-forward one part. I said no. Matthew said no. James smiled and laughed and pulled his hand away. Funny joke, right? Well, he did it again for the next serious part. We said no a little louder, with furrowed brows. I told him the next time he did that, he'd be excused. Then he did it AGAIN during an especially important part of the story and I got angry. Matthew got angry. I snapped at James, "Stop! That's not okay!" James instantly wilted, completely hurt, and slinked off to his room. A few minutes later, I heard him making distressed noises and knocking things into his walls. When the movie ended a few minutes later, I was torn between going to chat with him and just letting the consequences speak for themselves. I went to invite him to family scripture study and prayer. He declined. After prayer, I went back to talk with him. He was totally crushed. We didn't really resolve anything in that chat, but at least he didn't feel ignored. 

The very next day, as we were getting in the car for school, he and Matthew were chucking a half-filled water bottle at each other in some sort of playful consternation game. At one point, Matthew said he'd had enough. When I turned on the car, Matthew suddenly imagined the water bottle distracting the driver (me) and us getting into a horrible crash and burning to death. He said so. James playfully waggled the water bottle in Matthew's direction as if he were going to toss it to him again. Matthew and I both said no. Matthew didn't want to play anymore. It was really freaking him out. I backed out of the driveway and started to move forward when James got a mischievous grin and threw the water bottle over his head towards Matthew. Matthew screamed in angry frustration. I yelled, "Stop!" in a pretty terse tone, then I hit the brakes. I turned to James and said, "This is why we yell at you! We ask you to stop again and again and you don't stop!" He wilted instantly. Then I took it too far, in a much calmer but clearly exasperated tone, "Would it be better if I just started with the yelling part??" James sank even lower into his seat. Matthew, miraculously, took this emotional upheaval in stride and got off to school just fine. James, however, grew more and more agitated as we drove to school. He made distressed sounds, hung his head, and writhed in his seat more and more. If I tried to ask him about it, he got worse. In the end, he stormed out of the car and slammed the door behind him. 

The tendency to take things too far is not surprising. James likes to tease and laugh with people through pushing those kinds of boundaries. Maliciously or innocently, James also likes to try new things without asking, especially if it's in the gray zone of "allowed." That approach can really pay off..."Oh, I thought that rule only applied when XYZ. Oh well, I'll know for next time." It kinda stresses me out. I've had recurring nightmares for years where James ignores my rules and my pleas. I ask him to stop repeatedly in bigger and louder ways and he doesn't stop, even when it's for his own safety. I often wake up from those dreams in tears. 

The hard feelings around the movie and the water bottle have since dissolved, but the emotional roller coaster undercurrent remains. I can chalk some of it up to adolescent hormones (Robert got really volatile at this age), some to the reality of living with anxiety/depression, and some to the fact that Matthew doing better means the other kids finally feel safe sharing some of their own struggles. 

James is doing really well with his personal goals. He works and works on them, even when he doesn't want to. He cannot wait for school to end. He knows he'll be bored over the summer, but he also knows we've got several things planned to break up the boredom a bit.

Matthew is feeling more stress as year-end assignments and projects come due, but he's also coping pretty well. Really well, actually, compared to what it was only a couple months ago. He decided that he would like to try and do homework again. He asked to do it at the library so he could keep his "school mode" on and delay his "home mode". We've done that a couple times already and it's been REALLY successful. Unbelievable, to be honest. I had pretty much given up on homework at home before this. 

As for me, this is the first May in a long time that I'm not dreading the last day of school. Kinda weird. I'm trying to parse out why, but it's not coming easily. I've recently made HUGE progress on my bike refurbishing goal. I've had energy to serve at church and in my community. My garden is underway. The chickens are much, much larger and Nova seems less intent on murdering them. With Erin, I get out to exercise regularly. For my church calling, the hardest part of the year is over and now there's a lull through the summer months. By the end of this calendar year, I'll be done with my 50 states cycling goal. At that point, it's just 7 years until Matthew graduates from high school and we go on our first mission for the church. So, my goals for those 7 years will be pretty intense and specific...bike work, physical health, spiritual growth, larger scale farming, foreign language proficiency, perhaps training as an electrician...not sure what 4 adult kids will be needing from me, so I'll try to remain flexible there.

Bobby is chugging along. He gets up really early to take Robert to seminary, unloads the dishwasher, exercises several times a week, works and works all day, makes dinner for the family, and then goes to bed early. Every once in a while there's a really bad day at work, or his digestive issues flare up and make him miserable, but most of the time he is just doing his own thing at his own pace and making things happen. On Sundays that he's not assigned to speak as a high councilor in another ward/branch, he manages Matthew and James so that I can attend all of Sacrament Meeting in person. If/When I overschedule myself, or there's a medical issue with one of the kids, Bobby works from home to support me. He's started working with the kids on their personal goals, too. It's a huge relief to have someone else do the emotional labor of following up and following through with the kids.

Altogether, it feels like a grind to the end. Almost there...and then what?!

This week

I've got a pain in my left foot that's been really bad the last couple of weeks. Turns out I've got a teeny bit of age-appropriate arthritis in one metatarsal, and one bone that's a little longer than ideal. The solution is a funky pad in my shoe. It's already made a HUGE difference. Sweet relief. The foot doctor made an audio recording of our visit and used AI to generate the note for my chart.

James had a great visit to the dentist. Still no cavities, but when the dentist ran James' x-rays through an AI program, it identified two "weak" spots that could eventually turn into cavities. The dentist recommended a few extra things James could add to his tooth brushing routine to slow the decay and maybe even restrengthen those spots. 

Matthew had a rough weekend, but still not as bad as what used to be normal. By Monday morning, he was his "new normal" again and cracking jokes like a pro. He's full of big ideas and enthusiasm these days.

Robert had his first tennis match. Apparently, only the varsity team has scheduled matches. All the junior varsity kids just spar with whoever is free from the other team. Their matches don't count towards anything. Robert doesn't care. He had a great time and learned a lot by playing against strangers. 

Bobby hid the kids' Easter candy again this year. The kids really enjoy it. None of the hiding spots were ridiculous, but it brought to light how many nooks and crannies and little spaces we ignore in our daily life. You think you've searched EVERYWHERE, but you haven't. 

Our praying mantis died :( She didn't survive her final molting. Poor girl. She was about to get her wings!

Our baby chicks are growing quickly. We've moved them from James' room to the garage because they were just too messy and stinky to stay. Nova is obsessed with them. She has attempted murder on more than one occasion, and she goes ballistic if they're outside and she can't get to them. We have hopes that they will look less delicious when they're bigger, but who knows? This is a terrifically docile breed, quiet, super chill. 

I've started planting my garden. I lost some young broccoli and cabbage to bunnies who found a weakness in my fencing *sigh* but I've patched things up and will plant again. James saved some seeds from his giant Halloween pumpkin last year and planted them indoors. I had no idea how well they would sprout, so we planted them all, but it looks like 95% of them survived. We have a TON of pumpkin seedlings now. More than will ever fit in my whole garden. I've told him to pick his 10 favorite seedlings to plant outdoors. No more. I also know he's devising ways to sneak in a couple dozen more. The stinker. 

James and Matthew are at the end of their archery season. Matthew continues to get better and James has made SIGNIFICANT progress. Matthew still loves it, James still hates it *shrug*

I don't have much of an update from Lukas. He's been pretty busy with school. He did send me a picture of a chocolate lemon meringue pie, though, which made me gag. Thanks, Lukas.

Even more progress...

In the last week, Matthew has:

--seamlessly slept in his own bed every night

--attended dinner with us naturally every night

--happily read scriptures out loud during family scripture study every night

--attended church in-person, in church clothes, on a pew in the chapel, for the whole hour (his own idea)

--successfully completed one night of homework at home for the first time in 6 months

--sat on the couch to read quietly

--brushed off countless triggering comments and situations 

--had only three panic episodes

--baked jam cake

--initiated several big projects

--made significant progress developing his own epic Dungeons and Dragons quest

--decided that he likes to get to school really early

Some of these miraculous changes are becoming commonplace, but I still get a catch in my throat every time he hops out of the car at school after a successful morning. This has been an enormous relief to our family. Astounding. Unbelievable. 

We laugh together more. 

We have more conversations of all types.

More light, more warmth, more hope. It's like spring.